Submitted by gemlou78 on
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My H and I are trying to heal through learning karezza. H is recovering PA. He's very keen on going down the karezza route as am I. We've read that once you get to grips with it some couples allow themselves to O twice a month. If we eventually did do this do we have to leave behind all that may have been once connected to that way? Eg I liked to dress up on occasion (bedroom dress up) I wouldn't feel 'safe' doing this right now due to finding out about his PA. I'm unsure if I ever should again in case it triggers him (scared to ask so haven't yet). Also unsure if it's a nono with regards to karezza?
I'm thinking ahead ..not now.
I know from reading other posts that eventually we both may not even want to bother with O at all. H hasn't O'd in maybe close to a month. I've had the odd unexpected one during karezza that perhaps got too heated but not stimulation.
The past two days I've felt very low about his PA and so we've only talked and cuddled clothed.

Any thoughts appreciated?

Are you still in

your 2-week post-O period? That would explain your mood shift perhaps. It certainly does for me. Women: Does Orgasm Give You A Hangover? | Reuniting

As for dressing up, I don't know what to say. In general, trying to heat your partner up that way is unwise because the more intense the "superficial" stimulation, the more likely he is to feel a sense of a neediness for additional stimulation afterward. (Which may be what's driving you too right now, since you're pondering the appeal of the buzz from dressing up and seducing him.)

Did you ever watch this? It's about food, but it's a really good explanation about why more intense stimulation creates deficits in satisfaction, and why 'fasting' is really helpful in maximizing pleasure. The pleasure trap: Douglas Lisle at TEDxFremont - YouTube Same reward system in the brain drives both appetites.

Hi Marina, yes I'm still in

Hi Marina, yes I'm still in that two week period. I think as well I'm really struggling with the PA stuff. I've woke up this morning (7am here) and feel pretty daft for asking about the dressing up. I can see how it's about 'thrill' i think I've been wanting him..to only want me and my brains gone to default 'dig the dress up out'.

I really want this to work. We both do. We've been reading your book a chapter a night (it only arrived the other day) wrong just finished Elephants in the room. It's after reading that about your experiences I felt daft for having already posted the above question!

We made love again last night after reading. He got close a few times and had to press to make sure it stopped.

He has a question though. He said normally when he gets 'that' feeling the throbbing he feels is fast. The last few times its happened he's had 'that' feeling but the throbbing or pulsating has been slower.. He presses because he absolutely doesn't want to ejaculate but he's not sure if he actually would or not..because it's slower? Could he be experiencing a normal part of the male karezza experience and it's not a signal of ejaculate.
I've read men can get o like feelings without ejaculating but we're both so scared of ruining the bonding he stops.

We're both loving your book so far it's so interesting!

I'll let the men here answer

the "throbbing" question. In general, if he's having to use force, you two might be getting a bit too close to the edge - which is very normal during a post-O period, because you want to find those ecstatic highs again. This is biology's sneaky little trick. Bomb Some people call it the "chaser effect," and it can be quite...demanding. What is "the chaser?"

The way back to the highs is to be patient and let your brain get back into balance, not to "edge." As you've heard from people here, during that hangover period, you want to be sure to spend some affectionate, preferably skin-to-skin, time together each day. But don't 'try' to get the highs back. They'll be back "in the fullness of time" as my Scottish friend says.

Also, when the "hangover" affects us, we tend to project our unexplained (neurochemically induced) anxiety/irritability/insecure feelings onto something out in the world. That's why it seems like his PA is the real problem.

I'm not saying PA is never a reason for concern. I'm saying that your feelings about it are likely to shift, depending upon how many orgasms you had and how recently. Wacko If your bond is solid and your brain is not fluctuating with uncomfortable feelings, your relationship and its future will seem much more manageable and promising. But when those perfectly natural, temporary feelings get projected onto the situation, it will feel overwhelming and hopeless - and definitely like it's all his fault. Acute It's easier to heal a long-term problem with the first mindset, although there are never guarantees in life. His choices matter too.

I think of this as Planet Projection, where our inner state strongly colors what we "see" and "how we react" to the events in the world around us. That's why practices that keep the brain in better balance have been popular in traditions all over the world. Sex is a particularly powerful one (because both the highs and lows are strong), but meditation and diet and exercise, etc. all are used in this way as well.

This inner state-projection issue is closely tied to a deeper understanding of "morality" too: Sex and Morality: A Debate Between Competing Neurons | Your Brain On Porn

That's probably TMI, but you caught me when I was fresh in the day!

Thank you for this. I hope we

Thank you for this. I hope we all catch you fresh in the day more often! I love the idea of "Planet Projection". It definitely seems that brain chemistry and cycles have a significant effect on our psychology. The celibate monks who sit there, smile and say "I have no need to come, I feel like I'm coming all the time" may have truly found their happiness through the patience of the Scottish "Fullness of Time". They have eliminated cycles, and learned to be content with only a moderate amount of external stimulation. I feel like that is what CPA and Karezza asks of us. You and your partner turn off the TV, put down the bowl/bottle, lay together and visualize love flowing between each other. For my wife and I it's been a huge shift from past patterns. Letting go of sexual stimulation and cannabis has been a huge source of tension for us the past few weeks. The instant highs are not there... but there is a strong sense of Something building.

I think he got too closer to

I think he got too closer to edge and thinking too much about that throbbing feeling. When I remain still inside my wife, of course there are some pulsating movements that happens on its own naturally. I sensed pleasing throbbing feelings but not the way you mentioned that your husband had to press his perineum. I think you two should believe on your bodies and let both of your organs "talk to each other and enjoy themselves". Don't get bothered too much whether he has ejaculated or not. I think he would have realized if had done that and if even not, does it matter? The closeness and intimacy do matter and you should not ruin it worrying about that.

That's great thanks, I'm

That's great thanks, I'm happy to get all the help and advice I can.
I actually tried guided meditation while in the bath after my counselling appointment yesterday. I'd never tried it before but it really helped and I'm going to make it a regular thing. H wants to try it too. Hopefully it'll help us on our karezza path too.