extremely difficult getting started

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Submitted by Calypso on
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me and my partner cant seem to get thru the reboot phase. last week we were on vacation and i drank a bit, and thats all it took to fall back in mating mode, since then i cant seem to go more than 2 days without asking her for sex. plus she has a habit of humping my leg which always gets me aroused. we have been trying this for like 6 weeks. our first try we went almost 2 weeks and it felt good but we gave in. she's not as excited about karezza as i am but i know it can help our relationship. i always feel distant from her after sex. and i dont think the connection was ever all that strong sexually speaking as well. any advice on how we can do this successfully? thanks

redefine your goal here

"Failing" is not failing, it's just a good thing happening. It's normal.

Not having an orgasm takes practice and you'll have one quite a bit when you practice and it can take months to really get the hang of it, so please expect this process to be like that.

You are doing wonderfully if you are even not having an orgasm some of the time.

The purpose of the exchanges is to handle the time so you connect without intercourse or sex in the window where you are both influenced neurochemically by the last orgasm. We didn't do the exchanges at all but it's always going to be a rocky road but an enjoyable one.

What I can say, though, is to concentrate only on yourself. If she does things that get you excited and make you lose it, then maybe you can stop letting her do those things. She can have her orgasms but you try not to have yours. Later on she can get aboard if she wants to. But maybe she won't want to.

It is very sweet and wonderful even when she has an orgasm, in my experience. It is a fantastic experience in any event. And you get better at resisting orgasms the longer you go.

I haven't had one in five months even though my partner has. I offer to help her along although I don't do some of the things I used to do that turn her on and I think she is losing the desire to have orgasms as her body gets attuned to Karezza. But if she wants to, that's her business and I do enjoy helping her, very much, of course.

Thanks Emerson

i think i messed up by letting her get on top. she wants to get rough which makes it hard not to come. one issue we have is she gets bored and wants to stop but i like to stay connected. plus her vagina gets itchy when we stay still. lol ever have this happen?

Thanks Marnia

i do have Cupid and i do intend on giving the exchanges another try. however i feel my girlfriend is a little resistent to them. i get the vibe that she finds them unromantic because they're not spontaneous. that is one reason why im not sure she will be thrilled about making love on a schedule either. she really doesnt like being told what to do, so when i showed her the solo practices and invited her to try them with me, i was met with a sort of half hearted attempt which im pretty sure she didnt benefit from and most likely wont do by herself. im having a really hard time geting her to grasp the concept and sparking enthusiasm. i explained yesterday that the diffence between orgasm seeking and karezza was that one is selfish and the other is selfless. is this accurate or too extreme? i wasnt implying she was selfish. she said she understood but this was thru text msg so i couldnt see her reaction. im not goin to give up though even if she contiinues to come and i dont.

I understand

You can't push a partner into this, so you may just have to cool it and focus on your own objectives. It's not unreasonable to ask her to slow down or stop when you want to maintain control.

Although she may not yet realize it, her "orgasmicness" will increase the more she learns to relax and not overstimulate herself. It's the latter that makes the rough stuff necessary to climax. But there's a gray area in there where she may not feel much...while her brain recalibrates to a more sustainable approach.

Would she be open to reading some of the FAQs in "Karezza Korner"? These may be of particular interest:

What do women say about karezza experiences?

Won't I be bored?

What's the woman's role in karezza?

Strange to say, many partners say the karezza experience works best when they focus on themselves - but not on "getting off." That is, they focus on the subtler feelings within themselves during the experience. This can make the experience more fulfilling for both. This is a concept that Diana Richardson emphasizes in her books. Your girlfriend might find Tantric Orgasm for Women worthwhile. There are excerpts from another of her books here: Tantric Sex For Men

It's hard to convince someone to reach for "pie in the sky" when they know how to get themselves off using vigorous stimulation. First, it seems pointless because they can't imagine better sex than forced orgasms. Second, they can't feel subtleties while their brains are desensitized, so they can't imagine developing the potential for greater pleasure by taking their "foot off the accelerator" for a while. Also, they sometimes feel judged, so suggestions are perceived as criticisms.

Sometimes you just have to wait, focus on where you want to go, and be really encouraging whenever she slows down for relaxes into openness. Did you ever read this article? http://www.reuniting.info/science/what_shamu_taught_me_about_happy_marriage

thanks for the links

i brought up one on her phone to read today while shes at the hair saloon. we actually had a conversation in the car where she actually opened up a little and voiced some concerns which is definitely a huge step foward. Can i ask you to elaborate on the following comment you made Marnia?
"Although she may not yet realize it, her "orgasmicness" will increase the more she learns to relax and not overstimulate herself. It's the latter that makes the rough stuff necessary to climax. But there's a gray area in there where she may not feel much...while her brain recalibrates to a more sustainable approach."

Relaxing into sex

and not pursuing vigorous motion allows the vagina to relax and feel more subtle feelings. At first, the subtle feelings don't fully register, but as the woman attunes to them, she feels them more strongly.

Until you can feel the subtleties, you "go for" the hot and heavy stimulation.

If she wants to learn more, she can read Tantric Orgasm for Women. Or listen to this interview with Diana Richardson: http://www.reuniting.info/interview_of_diana_richardson

yeah it's kind of pressure-y

I have gone through an adventure of learning how to not apply pressure and as we've adjusted to this way of life, it's great now. But it took awhile. And telling my partner not to orgasm didn't work out real well LOL.

I would simply work on yourself and as Marnia says, you might have her slow down or stop at some point. You can have a pre-arranged sign that you give if you want her to slow down or stop, or it's pretty obvious (hey stop!)

Just pushing her back works pretty well. Body language works wonders. Bass writes in his book that side to side motion can go on forever, but in and out motion leads up the arousal scale to orgasm.

I find that the key to starting out was being very still. Just being in a state with your penis in her vagina and hanging out. This does take awhile and your partner may find this is boring at first. My partner still isn't at a point where she really feels a *lot* of sensation during Karezza though she reports a lot *more* than she did at the beginning. This stuff evolves over *months*.