Fetish porn little relationship experience

Submitted by Spiritualhealing1988 on
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So to give a little background about me I'm on day 16 of no pmo. I have been masturbating to porn since I was 13 and only t foot fetish porn which escalated to domination s and m and even she male porn a couple times. After reading that a fetish is a neural pathway that is very strong I am scared that I will never have the ability to have a normal relationship based on love trust, close intimacy and regular sex. Does anyone have experience with this? Have you recovered? If you could post it would be greatly helpful. I know people that have already had regular sex and relationships in the past recover easier and faster. What about someone that has never/ very little drive for pure sexual intercourse. I am an athletic guy and have been eating healthy and am in good physical shape, have had gf in the past and have had oral sex ( while thinking about feet or being dominated) but have had Ed issues with one ex girlfriend. I would also like to mention that I had a girl that I could say I had strong feelings for and we dated and talked about getting married. We never had sex but every time I was around her, my attraction for her beauty, our relationship and her characteristics would have me aroused physically emotionally psychologically. This makes me think that there is a very weak neural pathway for real life attraction. But if there wasn't, is there a chance for what I want? Any research done? If marnia could provide some insight it would be much appreciated. I read about rewiring and wanted to know when that is appropriate ( since sometimes it can lead back to relapse) so I'm scared to start talking to girls and meeting them. I am also a virgin by the way and want to lose it to someone I lOve.

Fetish

I have a related fetish and yes, it has been a real bitch for me. I've had periods where it seems to go away, but it comes back.
On the plus side I have not looked at porn related to the fetish in two months. In the last five years my porn and masturbation to it has decreased significantly.
And I do have a great relationship, sexual and otherwise with my wife.
I don't need to think of the fetish or anything when I have sex with her.
And believe me, the fetish is strong with me. Keep trying to reduce your thinking about it, read anything you can, join a 12 step group around sex- I find that talking to other addicts can reduce the cravings and shame.
There is hope for sure but it takes patience and humility one day at a time.

Just before I read your comment

I read this one: http://www.reuniting.info/comment/76217#comment-76217

We hear all the time that the intensity of porn-related themes lets up with time. There may always be an occasional flashback, but it's meaningless. Just keep steering for where you want to go...and you'll get there.

Brains are plastic...and weird sexual stuff is just plastic brain loops formed from "feeding the wrong wolf." http://www.rosannebane.com/newsletters/InkLinksv11-i4.pdf

I've wondered whether porn

I've wondered whether porn might be hijacking some natural curiosity. I didn't escalate in the sense that what I liked, I liked in some sense before porn was on my radar. That proclivity probably increased. Who can really say what might have happened without that increase?

If it's not serving you, you've got to find some way to at least expand the options so things can work for you.

What did she say to that?

Who knows where that came from?

But childhood experiences certainly can get wired up too. Doidge talks about similar issues in his chapter on sex in The Brain That Changes Itself. I'm still not convinced you're hopelessly "stuck" with random tastes like that, but there's much to learn about this subject.

Did you read his chapter? http://www.recoverypath.ca/UserFiles/File/Acquring%20tastes.pdf

Did I give you this link before? I'm too busy to go back and check, sorry.

‘Straight Men, Gay Porn’ and Other Brain Map Mysteries

It has a childhood story, and change was possible...but only by giving up orgasm (to the familiar turn-on) for a long time.

What's long? I went 77 days

Until I relapsed by reading erotic stories online and masturbating to porn ( probavly 5 times within the last two days)iI mean do you think it can take more than 6 months of no pmo and fantasy. Thanks for the links, I have read them and have read the whole chapter in doidges book. I feel like doing this reboot without a specified time period almost seems bad.

"Long" is different

for different aspects of a reboot. The things that seem to turn around first are an increase in sensitivity to dopamine (which makes normal pleasures interesting again) and increased activation of the frontal cortex (which makes executive control easier).

But sensitization--that is, finding cues related to one's addiction exciting--continues for much longer. Sensitization (overreaction to cues) relates to extra "spines" growing on key neurons, and no one knows how long they remain. Not only that, there's probably a wide variation among individuals.

However, sensitization does seem to fade eventually. Read men's comments about what this felt like in this article: Why Do I Find Porn More Exciting Than A Partner?

In short, you may see various improvements before you lose your attraction to feet.

So, how long? There are many answers. Some people say it takes two years to really stabilize after a porn addiction. I've also hear 18 months. Yet many guys feel pretty much back to normal and less reactive to cues before then.

Are you trying to choose a time for not PMOing? Or just for not using porn?

Well for porn use and erotic stories I want it to be forever

For not pmoing, I could do without the masturbation but want to have a successful orgasm during sex to truly know an believe that I can have a normal intimate sex life... Leading to a marriage and family. The orgasm has to be without thoughts of submitting to a dominant women, femdom or feet to be considered successful. I want it to be from intimacy, closeness and love. I need to work on many things before searching for a life partner thought so right now I am trying to practice abstinence from pmo for as long as I can.

If anything I would rather want to be

Able to get off to fantasies of me being dominant. I say this because after doing much research through Internet searches it seems that women prefer sexually dominant males in the bedroom. I'm quite dominant in the relationship but in the bedroom I am definitely submissive.

this is my experience

I was heavily into bondage and spanking type scenarios in erotica and my fantasy life. Those days are gone. What made the difference is that I committed to Karezza and to a lot of bonding (not bondAGE hahaha) with my partner. It is often the way of it, that we get what we want when we don't pursue what we want.

If you pursue a healthy relationship the rest of it wears off naturally. The key is replacement behaviors. Finding things to do to replace the role of PMO in your life. Not fantasizing actively, letting the fantasies that appear, have their life rather than resist them. Avoid all triggers. Look away from the TV if there is something that excites you or activates a fantasy, for instance.

Oxytocin removes all the stress and anxiety you have now. It's that physical bonding and love that builds the oxytocin and then nothing holds a candle to that, and the fantasies and feet and submission recedes and is no longer even an issue.

i am not focused on ejaculating

if you don't care if you ejaculate or not, are you in a better place than if you are focused on it?

I could easily have an orgasm at any time just focused on the sensations when I am inside my lover. I choose not to and have an amazing sex life (and all around life) I never had before. Bondage and spanking are of no interest to me anymore. I don't think about it and I also refuse to let triggers into my life.

It's like this. I am committed to my wonderful woman and yet I see very attractive young women that I could probably go to bed with if I put myself in situations where that could happen. So I don't go there.

If you are not focused on orgasm, but instead are focused on a loving relationship with lots of skin on skin contact and lots of fun in and out of bed, you will be able to transcend the whole question. It will no longer be an issue for you (so long as you avoid PMO and triggers.)

you have a marketing problem

how do you get out there and find a woman you can spend time with, cuddle with, have fun with, and yes have sex with?

You need to advertise what you are looking for, and present yourself in a package that appeals to those types of women.

There is some great pick up artist material actually. But you can put out what you want and stop being needy and desperate, and when you do, you will begin to attract those women.

You are so focused on avoiding something, that you aren't focused on getting something. Focusing on getting what you want is the key, and what you want isn't avoiding porn or fetish fantasies (which is a given) but what you want is getting a good loving relationship. When you are straight on this you'll be aligned with the goal and you'll know what to do.

On line dating, dance lessons, speed dating, whatever. There are a lot of ways of meeting women.