So glad to be here, happy to have found this site and its companion YBOP. Although this is my first post, I have been reading the blogs since I started my journey of rebooting my brain 44 days ago. The blogs and articles keep me going and have helped me not come close to relapsing. I am starting with the blogging now as I am hoping for advice, support and honesty from this community as I continue with my reboot.
Here is a little about me.
I am a 42 year old, white, divorced professional. 3 great kids that are with me half time. Actually, they are with me full-time, but that is for a different post. (And not really related to my addiction). I have been a constant user of porn and sexual fantasy since I was 14. Since around 9, I also have had an extreme habit of escaping into my daydreams. Daydreams where I would go for hours at a time. I have given up both of those habits and am proud of my 44 days of reality. :)
I have been a user of porn, phone sex, online chat, Second Life avatar sex. You name the solo fantasy, I've been there. I have gone a couple times to lingerie shows, but usually avoid them.
I have been in therapy twice before for my sexual issues and at times I wonder if my time in therapy did more harm then good. As a young man, I had serious questions about my sexual fantasies and thoughts. I also have OCD and the combination of both the OCD and deviant fantasies created tremendous shame in me regarding my sexuality. I was constantly testing myself to see what aroused me and when it did, I assumed that was who I was.
Over the years I have worked at being sober, involved with Sexaholics Anonymous and so on. I would go for a month or so and then relapse.
I think what is inspiring me today (and for the last 44 days) is the belief that I can "rewire" my brain. That with time I may come to look back on these past years (decades, really) and know that that person is gone. I look at the average 90 days of rebooting to get on track and I think for me personally that may be wishful thinking. Somewhere in YBOP I read that shame (when a part of the MO) acts as somewhat like an "amplifier" in making those neural pathways even stronger. Well, 25 years of shame with a twice a day masturbation habit....I imagine I'll be posting here for a while :)
But what do I have to lose? Nothing worth keeping.
And a life to gain.
Wish me strength for my journey.