FRUSTRATION! (Non-perfection of Karezza)

Submitted by makelovenotbabies on
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My boyfriend and I started our karezza adventure a year ago, and I am frustrated because *I* still feel like an amateur. I thought that it would be harder for him, and somehow it's been harder for me. I am the one who has a problem with getting over-heated, having accidental orgasms, etc. He is going on two months now since his last orgasm, and me... I'm going on one day. I always get close to two weeks without an orgasm or a little over it (the most I went was a month and a half... and what a blissful month and a half it was!) but then I fall short and disappoint myself once again. I want so badly to be at that blissful state of mental/emotional/relational stability that comes with karezza!

I. am. so. frustrated.

The most recent fall off was last night. We were a few days into "rebooting"... no kissing.. sleeping in underwear.. you get it. He fell asleep while I stayed awake reading (Bust magazine... I think I should avoid it from now on... they have an erotic written piece every month...) and I got to feeling uncontrollably horny. I woke him up and.. well.. it ended in an orgasm. But not one of those "I'm GOING FOR IT!" orgasms... but an "OH NO! I am too close! Oh shit... fuck.." Luckily I don't feel as shitty after an accidental orgasm... but I still don't feel good.

I feel frustrated. I feel uncontrollable. I feel disappointed in myself. I feel like my heart is battling my body... and my body likes to convince my mind to be on it's team a lot, which sends me back into the loss of control-frustration-disappointment cycle.

I know where I am making mistakes most of the time, but for some reason, I keep making these same mistakes. Or WE keep making these mistakes. For instance, oral sex.. I love it so much.. it's so hard to give up. And the way that we have sex isn't "slow" enough like I have read from others, but I love the sex that we have (physically) but have been recently feeling that it is lacking (emotionally). Also, I fail at rebooting completely.

I don't know what I'm looking for here, sharing this. I guess I'm venting, but I'm also reaching out for help. I don't know what that help is... but maybe some advice, maybe some "I've been there and I overcame it"... I don't know. Help, that's for sure. I don't know how to move past the frustration and disappointment into discipline and peace.

We are starting the reboot process over again. I am so afraid to fail again.


I'm relating to pretty much everything youve said here. I've tasted 45 days, and i want it back so bad, but lately all i can manage is 7-14 days. It seems to alternate between uncontrollable body urges and my mind stepping in and 'making' me O.

Regarding overheating, sounds like youre just full of beans:) We did this at first. We lacked a concept of what still intercourse is or looks like. Or why you would really want to do it, esp in the beginning. I think i wrote about that in week 8. Rebooting or no, for the too easily overheated, we found real wisdom in just connecting and getting as comfortable as you possible can and laying there for at least 30mins. What have you to lose by just trying it. Worst comes to worst, you look back and say well that was interesting. Nothing ventured nothing gained. If you havent already, the Richardson's material has helped us a lot.


After reading your post I have a few thought for you.

First, celebrate your orgasmic capacity. Many women struggle to reach orgasm as well as a sink into their pleasure. Clearly sounds like you are in touh with your sexual pleasure. This is wonderful, period!

Second, congratulate yourself for doing as well as you have. You went a month and a half, thats great. Its a journey of exploration, getting to know your body and your partners in a new way. It takes time. I've been doing this for 14 years and I slipped over the edge just this morning. Granted its been a long time since that happened but sometimes it simply sneaks up on you and other times you crank it up just one more notch because it feels so good, and oops you're over the edge.

If you feel like you're afraid to fail again, as you say, this doesnt sound like a good way to sink into a relaxed place while making love. That would surely take all the pleasure out of it for me. Be easy on yourself. I always say, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and jump right back in the sadle, no regrets, no looking backwards.

What you can do is examine what causes the situation where you keep on going over the edge. Do you just keep on ramping it up, does your partner do that as well? Does he respect your desire to avoid orgasm and behave in a way that keeps you both away from the edge? Are there certain position that increase the stimulation and others that keep it quieter. Are you choosing the quieter positions?

My wife also has a tendency to sometimes slip over into orgasm in her entusiasm, its natural to loose yourself in the moment. Sometimes she asks me to monitor the energy level and bring it back down when I sense she's getting too close. I'm happy to do this as it lets her sink into the feeling without keeping tabs on the excitement level. Us guys are great with tasks and challenges.

Dont beat yourself up just examine what you can change to get where you want to be.

Darryl wrote:

[quote=Darryl]Do you just keep on ramping it up, does your partner do that as well? Does he respect your desire to avoid orgasm and behave in a way that keeps you both away from the edge?[/quote]

I think this is an important one. We are still very new to karezza, but my girl has a tendency to getting lost in the moment sometimes, and if things get heated she will often go with it, so it's then up to me to notice and slow things down again. And vise-versa.

We need to work as a team :)

Learning this

is kind of like learning to high dive. At first, you go to the edge of the board a lot...and walk back to the steps. Smile Eventually, your moment arrives and you make the leap.

Just do your best to keep relaxing during sex. By staying in relaxation mode, you don't release those intense "gotta have it" neurochemicals to the same degree. It makes it easier to stay on your snowboard.

Here's a link to excerpts from one of the Richardson's books, in case it's of interest: Tantric Sex For Men.RICHARDSON

If you can make it through two weeks, I think the "mistakes" will drop off a lot. Your brain will be in a different space where you won't be fighting yourself as much.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

Thank you!

Thanks everyone for your support and advice!

We are on day nine of fourteen of the reset... and it feels like something is different this time, like we are in this together, as a team, as it should be! We are actually sticking to the reset this time (which I think we had only done once before when we first started karezza, the rest were just half assed attempts) so that is also a big change.

I also feel that becoming a member of this website has helped a lot, I feel less alone now and like I have a back up team of support and experts who understand what karezza is all about. It's nice to know that if something goes wrong or I need to vent frustrations or celebrate accomplishments, there is a community with which to do so. So thank you, Karezza community! : )


How old are you two?

Reading your OP, i can so relate to it. But we had a major breakthrough last night, but briefly heres what ive learnt, all in the last 24 hours:)

- the schedule is really important it creates intention, which means consciousness
- take the responsibility that you feel and use it, don't expect the other to do X or Y
- learn some form of breathing related art, tai chi, qigong etc, its not accidental that karezza has its roots in the ancient taoist traditions, where the breath, life force, and sexual energy are inextricably interwoven.
- it helps to remember that the key to really 'getting' CPA is that when one of you orgasms youll always struggle get your passions in sync
- again, i cant say it enough, henderson's [Ed. Richardsons] material has real answers


you are doing fine

Some random thoughts:

1. I wouldn't read erotic stories, though...LOL. They do have an effect on us, that makes us horny.

2. Oral sex is tremendous fun (duh) but it tends to be way too orgasmic for my partner most of the time.

3. I know these are obvious and you know them already. But it doesn't matter. If you are "working on" this goal, even one out of three sessions with your partner that don't end up in orgam is good.

4. And since he isn't having orgasms much, he'll bring you to this world in any event. You'll get those wonderful feelings after two or three weeks of no orgasm when you're really ready and then it will be amazing.

Hey everyone!

Thanks again for sharing your wisdom and being an ear! Update: I made it past two weeks!! I am now in clear territory, where orgasm isn't controlling my life! Hooray! Now... to stay in this place... and learn the rest of the bits on karezza to gain maximum emotional connection during sex...

Treehouse: I am 25 and he is 24. I recently tried doing some deep breathing during sex and it seemed to keep me calm and well intended. I really need to re-read Marnia's material as well as check out this Richardson material you speak of.

We tried the stillness thing the other night, and that was nice, it helped me to feel calm and have the intention to be on our intimacy instead of on a chase of pleasure. It was foreign so getting over that mentally can be hard.

For some reason my mind wants to separate emotions from pleasure and I am trying to correct this so that our intimate and pleasurable experiences are physically AND emotionally satisfying. I feel like I have so much to learn, so much unnecessary programming to let go of.

Question.. is there such a thing as "mini orgasms" for women? Not a big explosive, energy draining one, but a small oh-shit-I-almost-lost-it-but-not-quite orgasm? I have experienced these a few times, where there is a sort of orgasmic contraction involved, but not a full release and explosion. Does that count as an orgasm? I'm sure that dopamine levels spike during but I'm hoping not drastically...

There's no "one size fits all"

 Some women say they don't notice much fallout as long as they don't "go for" climax...even if one happens. Personally, I do notice some fallout...however mild.

Congratulations on making two weeks! Diana Richardson has a book on sorting out emotions so they don't get in the way of sex. I haven't read it, but it gets rave reviews from others here.


For me, I've found a lot of what I thought might be "fallout from orgasm" is actually a case of emotions coming to the front and not recognizing them as such (and dealing with them properly). Over time, as I've learned how to see them for what they are, let them out, talk about them, laugh about them, etc., I find they come to the forefront less and less often.

I highly recommend anyone who thinks they might need help with this to read Diana's book. For me, it's been *almost* as helpful as her books on tantra.

( Also, recognizing when the ego is trying to take over (thank you, Osho and Eckhart Tolle) has made my life so much more peaceful as well.)


>It was foreign so getting over that mentally can be hard.

Oh yes, it feels weird all right. Hence the rush away towards excitement!

You want something else that will feel weird? Try not clenching your pelvic floor. This will take a bit of practice so practise it before hand. But, remarkably i have found that if i dont clench those muscles i dont get excited, simple as that. But again its this totally foreign sensation, where you feel left kind of lost, wondering where i am and where I am going.

But in that void i find it easier to connect emotionally and meditatively. Now where all this leads to i have no idea, we simply arent that experienced. And some initial arousal seems to be required for her insides to tolerate me in there, at least if im really hard.

But one thing i am learning is that the degree to which our sessions satisfy isnt related to how turned on we/she is. We've had semi aroused sessions and barely aroused sessions both of which leave me satisfied. The difference relates for me at the moment to the quality of our connection and what i am just going to call the emotional resolution. If i feel met, welcomed, and loved then i feel sexually satisfied, afterwards, like i could get by without sex for ages.

And, this even works in our sleep. Sometimes if we are really tired, we just connect, then almost immediately both drop off to sleep. This is an amazing experience.

It's amazing

what connecting those male-female poles can accomplish. Gets rid of the "uncomfortable itch" and charges up your battery at the same time...with no hangover. We still marvel at it.

Treehouse: I have been

Treehouse: I have been practicing the whole keeping my pelvic floor relaxed (or at least trying!) and yeah it is hard at first, I find I have to be really aroused to enjoy it fully but once I'm there it's really nice. Not being tense during sex, who would have thought!?

We are still going strong in the name of karezza, although I know that there are parts of karezza that we haven't fully explored based on what I read from others experiences and what I remember from Marnia's book. I try not to get too hung up on the unexplored and unknown and try to just enjoy sex and be in the mindful moment... but sometimes the curiosity of if we are "doing karezza properly" drives me a little bonkers.

I have stopped counting the days but I'm sure if I tried I could do the math. I'm somewhere around a month without orgasm and he is getting somewhere close to three months I believe? This past year of sexual exploration via karezza has been an exciting adventure and a painful learning experience at the same time. But I hope that it will get easier and be more of a relaxed and easy going experience with time.