getting tired of posting about this is my last time. HOCD OR BI?

Submitted by Brushogun on
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i'm getting tired of posting about this topic. this my last time after this i'm done, being on these forums don't help at all. its a little lengthy so sit down and grab a drink.

hi im mark im 16 and i think i maybe gay or bi or have some ocd or something. ok lets start, ive liked girls since i was 3 at least i know definitely by the time i was 5 cuz i had a crush on this girl in kindergarten. i think i may have ocd because i have a history with anxiety. in the 4th grade i started pulling my hair a lot just because i couldnt stop it was fun really. in the 6th grade(2008) i found about 2012 threw the history channel and i was worried about that quite a bit not too much to bother my life just a little. i was pretty done with fears and phobia and obssesions and all that stuff until the 9th grade when i watching the OWN channel about a little that had schizophrenia and started to think i had it too. during that same school year i also started to think i had tapeworms which caused me to become a vegetarian which i still am today.the schizophrenia fear pretty much killed my whole summer of 2012, it was all i thought about plus my parents where going threw stuff so that was a hard summer. then in the 10th grade( im in 11th now) i started being homeschooled by my choice which was a huge mistake. i draw its what i wanna do for a career someday so i started talking to a artist that works in the animation industry over gmail chat and we would chat all the time about different things. one day i asked him " why is your blog called devil in my head?" which he explained and i dont feel like going into detail about that. then he started telling about all this spiritual stuff like astral projection and what not that night i was terrified to sleep cuz i thought i might astral projection. around the same time i found about slenderman the internet meme and i thought it was real so i didnt sleep for 3 three days cuz i thought slenderman was gonna come for me. he told me about different secret societies like the illumanti or whatever and i started to get scared i thought they were watching me. i didnt be in the animation industry anymore cuz ive heard they're in that too and i didnt want to be a part of it at all. i started to worry and wonder if god was real or not so i would spend hours researching on the subject. i also started to think i was reincarnated i felt like **** i thought my parents reallly my parents and im not really me. keep in mind i was depressed and in isolation threw all this because im homeschooled i dont get out much if at all. while i going threw all this i meet this girl at one my friends house who at first i didnt really like and thought was kinda annoying to be honest but she grew on me. this was back in by the way before i started questioning my sexuality. she would touch me and i would get a boner instantly no problem, she was the first who i felt like i loved. like i would have married her really. then in late april about 25 i think i found some horrible news. i was talking with a friend of mine on facebook and i said( ill change her name to protect her identity) "its weird how we all like jane" he then said " i dont really like her i just play around with her" after that he said "you she has a boyfriend right?" and i was like "what no you have to be kidding me why would she do all this stuff with me then?" my whole was broken i was finally happy with my life again. i had friends who i cared about and i girl i loved but i guess not. my whole body was trembling when he started telling me about it. i felt lied to i thought she cared i was so hurt. then after that in sometime in may i started watching gay porn for whatever reason. i liked it but i wasn't sure if i was straight watching it. then has happened to me three times i think no i think it was two anyway. one day in the summer i think it was 2012 girls just didn't look attractive for some reason so downloaded a bunch of pictures of this female celebrity i liked to see if still liked girls it didn't work but so i stopped worrying about it and i was back to normal after after that. in November i was looking for pictures to draw and found this one pic of two male cartoon characters sucking ****, these characters where animals and the pic wasn't that sexual but i still thought i still thought i was gay because of it. anyway i found about hocd may of this year ans started to do research on it and it seemed to fit. i worried about this the whole summer of this year and i haven't stopped yet. i keep looking to my past to see if i didn't anything gay. if i looked a guy in a sexual or secretly liked a friend, how i felt while watching porn. so may questions that never got answered. then in august 28 i joined a lgbtq forum to see if i was really gay or not. i massaged people all the time on there and started to think i was really gay or at least bi. i didn't turned on by the thought of gay sex until i joined that forum. those types of thoughts weren't even in my head back then. i has since been banned from that forum i guess cuz i messaging so many people all the time. i got on another ocd forum recently and posted there. a bisexual man man was helping in the forum then he messaged me about all things we would if he met me. when i read it i was like "the ****?" i didn't even finish it. then i read it again and i kinda liked it i guess so i went to jacked off so some gay porn and felt nothing. nothing good nothing bad just nothing. everytime i jacked off now i feel nothing really. i used to feel gross now its nothing.recently i have been sexting a female friend of mine about stuff and she sent me things which i like a lot. my heart started beating outta my chest based on what i saw and read. im getting closer to the end of my rope and really need help any help from anyone. can anyone help me?

ok so i just watched some gay and before i came my chest got tight and when i came i let out this heavy breath. it was like i was trying to breath but couldnt. was it a panic attack or did i like it?

here are some things i've written on another forum in private messages to another user.

My grandma, my mom and I were talking and then my grandma said " mark has a girlfriend" and it just sounded weird for some reason. After that my mom said some looked up gay porn at her school on a teacher's computers. Then later right the in the middle of me writing this letter actually my mom asked if I like men and was like "no". She then said "do you want a boyfriend?" And was like "no why are you asking me these questions?" She said " you get so defensive so something's wrong, is there something you wanna talk about? I feel like the universe is trying to tell me my gay or bi. My parents might find out soon I can feel it. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want a relationship with men. I don't even like when my friends are thinking about me on they're own time it's creepy. I'm lost again. What if I don't have OCD? Maybe I'm just in denial. :(

i can't stop watching gay porn. I was watching lesbian porn but then I thought I thought about me and another man in the same situation. I looked for gay or bi porn on it. I watched bi porn and felt sick like I could throw up and very angry with myself. I was good for a week but it's getting stronger by the day. My heart is beating fast and I still feel sick. I tried to stay away but it's nothing. I won't talk to myself about it. I won't say gay or anything dealing with gay people or ocd people I'm trying to put it behind me. They say if you get mad when you cum to gay porn but enjoyed while watching you're really gay or bi and ashamed. I guess maybe I am. I keep searching for answers. If I watch gay porn and get grossed out or I'm not hard while watching I'm not gay. If I get a boner from watching a girl or I'll sing love songs directed towards girls and I liked singing them then I'm straight. I double take at a guy then I'm gay. This is madness and I know it. Help me!

The thoughts are getting easier to manage but when I try I say a girl is pretty I can't. Like I can say it to myself but I can't say around other people like I'll try to but it just won't come out. This wasn't a problem before. Don't know if it's ocd related but I thought I'd share it anyway.

I keep having gay dreams. Like someone in the dream will say they're gay or they'll talk about gay stuff in the dreams. It's so annoying when it happens it's like in checking in my dreams too. Other than that my past two days have been really awesome. These dreams aren't frequent but they happen every so often.

i tried being bisexual for a day but it only lasted a day. this is really bothering my life and i'm getting sick of thinking about it all the time. i will be done with after someone answers. this my absolute last forum, i'm leaving all of the other forums behind and i'll try my best to put this behind me. thanks.

i don't believe in HOCD really...

please help me!

Can't help you

because you don't believe in what you most likely are suffering from: OCD.

Most people, including your relatives, are completely ignorant of this increasingly common phenomenon. They're just trying to help you "come out" if that's what you need to do.

However, that concept isn't working for you, so that's probably not what you need.

My guess is that you need a good counselor who can explain how the mind plays tricks on people with OCD, and how today's internet can rapidly exacerbate such symptoms in lots of heavy porn users.

You say you can't stop watching gay porn, but isn't that because of the rush you get from the anxiety and the "testing"? Have you browsed around on this page? I'm straight, but attracted to transexual or gay porn. What's up? | Your Brain On Porn Take your time and read all the articles there.

My guess is that you won't actually feel sure of "what you are" until you have stopped using all internet porn for about 6 months (although you'll see improvements in clarity long before then).

Just be prepared, because the withdrawal from porn for OCD people is brutal. You may need counseling or meds. But find a good counselor who specializes in OCD, otherwise s/he will just make your anxiety worse.

Good luck!

really?

meds for not watching porn? are you fucking kidding me? i don't need meds for that i'll just do something else with my time. i will stop posting here or on any other forum on the 25th. i'll be fine, its just porn its not like i need it to live oh and i've been on the site you suggested. i beileve in OCD not HOCD. you don't get OCD from watching too much gay porn that's crazy. you either had anxiety or OCD before you watched which i'm pretty i did. thank you for the help.

You may need the meds

to cope with the anxiety of the withdrawal, which can be very intense for those with OCD. Sorry that wasn't clear.

Certainly OCD can precede porn use. But many people didn't notice severe OCD symptoms until they got caught up in internet porn. It may have something to do with how it alters the brain, or how easy it is to search for the "perfect shot," or "test" over and over, all of which are risky activities for a brain prone to OCD.

Also, you may not know this, but OCD seems to be related to having a dysfunctional reward systems in the brain, which has overlap with addiction. So the two may somehow feed each other.

In any case, good luck.