Having a bit of a hault

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Submitted by MeganW on
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Ok. I have been trying the touch, cuddle, and slow Karezza love making. We did not get to do it Saturday (he was to tired) and promised we would do it Sunday night. Well Sunday night gets here and we cuddle a little, but never do Karezza. Why am I feeling this impatience? I feel like I long for it so bad and I'm getting frustrated and irritable. I have sat within myself watched the thinker and there are no negative thoughts towards him or the fact that we haven't made love it's a feeling deep in my gut. It's hard to explain it's more physical feeling impatience than thought oriented impatience. I guess I'm going meditate. I think it's more dopamine withdrawals. Nice to have people to talk to this about. Maybe I could tell him too, but I'm nervous to he gets sometimes irritated about it. I don't want the pushing him away feeling again so I will just meditate for some patience. This is such a struggle in me and I'm going to brake through somehow.

Impatience

I can sympathize with the feelings of impatience. You have a way that you want to move forward, but it seems like you need your partner to cooperate first and they are not going out of their way to make it happen.

Although it can be very frusturating it is also a form of grace. There is a danger in practices like karezza of projecting your path of spiritual growth onto your partner and the relationship. Then when you feel stuck, you blame your partner.

In reality all spiritual growth is individual growth. We can pursue parts of it in cooperation with others, but sooner or later the healing has to happen on an individual level. Many people resist doing the deep internal work that is required. They would prefer to focus on external stuff like karezza, work shops, books, religious ceremonies and other things that help them to feel supported by other people and the universe. All of that is great, but it is NOT a replacement for the deep internal work.

In addition to all of your external stuff, you also have to sit with yourself and do the personal clearing that is required in order to grow. You have to find your personal wounds and release them. You have to forgive yourself and all others for the dramas that you have endured. You have to direct lots of love into yourself. Self love is what spiritual growth is all about. The love of someone else is NOT a substitute for self love. Sooner or later you have to let go of the idea that you need proof of your own value in the external world in order to love yourself.

If we are hitting obstacles in the external world that is usually a clue that we have some internal work to do before we can move forward again. Our higher self is calling us to let go of an idea or a block that stands between us and what we want. Sometimes the universe takes away the very thing that we think we need in order to show us that we don't really need it as much as we think we do. It does this to help us see our own limiting beliefs.

Right now you are frusturated with your partner. It is tempting to think that he is an obstacle for you, but in reality, your obstacles are always within yourself. You do not need him to cooperate in order for you to advance. You do not need any proof whatsoever from him. In fact, you may just find that if you let go of all expectations for him, and focus on loving and healing yourself, that eventually the karezza will come into place on its own.

Wow

Thank you so much. Very beautiful. You know I get told a lot from very spiritual friends that I need to let go of some past things. Here it is again confirmed there is something still there blocking me. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but that's why I've been trying to do a lot of self love things. On the (my) own value note I have never had that brought to my attention and I couldn't agree more that I wonder what my value is. I am beyond words here and feel bittersweet to read this because I know it's true. I am thankful for people like you who have such wisdom. Lately I've been feeling a little distant on my own and don't care. I hate feeling this way it's makes everything out of whack at home and I am in a place that I feel I can't get out of my own misery. Just feeling a little lost.

Confusion

My favourite spiritual teacher, Adyashanti, once wrote that spiritual growth is a project in demolition. It is about taking apart all of the ideas that limit your ability to love and accept yourself completely.

We all have ideas about what needs to be true in order for us to be happy in life. We have ideas about what our health needs to be, what our relationships need to be and what our finances need to be in order for us to feel safe and secure and loved and supported. It all seems logical, especially when everyone else seems to have the same ideas. However, it is a huge trap that we lay for ourselves.

What happens when our health is NOT the way we want it to be? What happens when our relationships are NOT the way we want them to be? Does that mean that we are not allowed to feel safe? Are we not allowed to feel loved and supported? Conventional wisdom is to say No, we are not allowed to be happy if our life is not the way that we want it to be. We need to go and work hard to make it be the way that we want it first, then we can be happy. Conventional wisdom is that we need to bend circumstances until they match our idea of what is ideal. This supposedly will allow us to then feel perfectly happy.

It dosen't work.

Today I saw an article on Yahoo about Kirtsen Stewart cheating on her husband and Twilight co-star Robert Pattison. To me, that was a very big reminder that the external world CANNOT fullfill us. Here you have a beautiful woman married to one of the sexiest men on Earth, with millions of dollars and millions of adoring fans, and she risked all of it in order to have an affair with a director that I have never heard of before. I am sure that CPA goes a long way to explain how that happened (sexual habituation) but there is also a lesson there about seeking fullfillment from the world. Kirsten Stewart is living the life that millions of other women desperately want, and yet she is still seeking something. She is not going to find it in any man.

The road to happiness is a journey inward. It is about learning to love and accept yourself fully and completely, regardless of what your external circumstances are. To me, the definition of enlightenment is unconditional love for self. When a person loves themselves completely then they no longer need to seek validation from others. They can let go of all demands for others to behave in certain ways. This is why enlightened people are so nice to be around. They are not demanding anything from you. They will happily share themselves with you. They feel no need to put up defences because they know that you have no power over their happiness. You cannot diminish their self love in any way, regardless of what you do. Therefore, there is no reason for them to fear you. They demand nothing and offer much because they have an infinite source of happiness within them (self love) that cannot be diminished by the actions of others. That is enlightenment.

An enlightened relationship is one in which both people are whole and complete unto themselves. They don't need anything in particular from each other, but they very much enjoy being together anyway. Neither of them is seeking completion. They are already complete. However, they are seeking a joyful collaboration. It is fun to make love. It is fun to share yourself with someone else who is also sharing themselves fully.

However, you have to come to it with an open heart and no agenda for the other person.

My wife has been in a zone that is not very sexual for the past few years. She has her reasons. I will not go into them now. Suffice it to say that her motivation to be sexual is low. I do not doubt that she loves me very much, but she is not motivated to express that love sexually. For a long time I thought that I had to cure her of this for the good of our marriage. I tried arguing with her, pleading with her and coaxing her. She is very good at resisting outside pressure :) No one could ever accuse her of having weak boundaries. Eventually I realized that she will either come to sex on her own terms, or not at all. I decided to focus on my own growth and let her do what she needs to do. After that, things slowly started to change in our relationship. For the past few months she has been steadily warming up. I am not putting any direct pressure of any kind on her, yet she is coming along anyway ... on her own terms.

I have decided that I like it this way. I am responsible for my growth and my happiness. She is responsible for hers. Both of us are doing what we need to do. What I needed to do (and am still doing) is to let go of all ideas about what I needed her to do while continuing to offer strong love. The less that I demand from her (outwardly or inwardly) the more she offers freely. She used to feel me pressuring her and she resisted. Now she feels that there is no pressure, but there is a space that she can step into if she wants to. Often she ignores it, but more and more often she is finding the courage to put down her defences and step into that space. When sex does happen, it happens because she wants to be there. That makes a world of difference to me.

Perhaps your husband will be the same.

there is a pretty good book about this

Passionate Marriage, by Schnarch, I think is his name.

The thesis is that marriage is a path to self realization. One partner moves ahead let's say spiritually or personal growth wise and the other has to move along too. Just to keep up. That kind of thing. And it's true. We move forward in our own lives in our own ways, spurred on by our partner in his/her own way. I've never forgotten this and really believe it works this way.

I started Karezza without consulting my wife. I just said, I'm not coming from now on. I'm not masturbating either. 

Wow was she unhappy with that. Bearing the brunt of my sexal wants and needs and not having me quietly self pleasure in the other room where she didn't have to take part. But it's all working out so well. I never asked her and I would do it that way all over again. 

She and I are moving forward for sure. And you will too. It's a natural progression that is inevitable and can't help but manifest.

Other Books

I have read many books on sex and relationships. I find that it really helps to get multiple perspectives on the subject. Each author has a unique way of approaching relationships and by reading their different points of view I keep myself open minded.

Obviously not all books will touch all people. I have started some relationship books that failed to click with me at all. Others have touched me deep inside somewhere. I just get a strong sense that the information in these books is very relevant to me as an individual.

If I was to recommend a short list of the relationship books that have affected me the most they would be:

Passionate Marriage (Dr. David Schnarch)
Super-Conscious Relationships (Margaret Ruth)
Slow Sex (Diana Richardson)
Cupid's Poison Arrow (our own Marnia)
Way of the Superior Man (David Deida)

In addition to these I highly reccomend the book "Falling Into Grace" by Adyashanti for people who want to explore issues of personal freedom from fear and insecurity. Although it is not about relationships per see, seeking freedom from your own fears and personal hang-ups will have a huge impact on the quality of your relationships with other people.