Having a difficult time here

Submitted by keygrove on
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I'm having a hard time staying away from orgasm. I'm not using PMO anymore, although I'm having a very difficult time staying away from that too. My wife and I have great sex, always have. Never had that problem. Never has it felt dull or habituated. But the aftereffects have always stunk. I've never once not felt a passion cycle, and after understanding what it's like to be on the other side of one I would really like to learn how to stabilize it. I've tried karezza intercourse but it always leads me back to the genetic promise land.

My question to everyone is this: putting esoteric teachings aside, what can we do to settle down as human beings who choose not to persue sexual gratification through intercourse and/or orgasm? What can we do, both as individuals and as couples, to support a bonding-based celibate lifestyle?

The longer you are consistent

the easier it gets to stay "pre-orgasmic" as one commentator calls it. Smile

But whatever method you use, you have to walk through the Void for a while, where you wonder "WTF??" There's no magic bullet, although a structured program for a few weeks helps some of us.

Some things just take

Some things just take willpower and determination....this seems to be one of those. In my opinion you have to really want it. The problem is, you dont REALLY know whats it fully like until you get past the intial hump so it can be hard to have the commitment and desire it takes to push through the orgasm urge. Just know that the urge will subside and it will come easier.

Think of it like gravitational force, the pull is strongest in the beginning when you're trying to lift off. As you get some distance from the orgasmic urge its magnetic effect gets less and less.

Its well worth the effort...its life changing.

It’s Simple, Just Don’t Cum

Marnia and Darryl both paraphrased the Nike motto of “Just Do It”. Maybe more appropriately in this case, “Just Don’t Do It”—orgasm that is. I don’t disagree, but non-orgasmic intercourse is like any other skill there is a certain learning curve. You are going to start out slow, stubble, and then as you develop more skills your proficiency develops faster. The problem is how do you “walk through the Void” Marnia talks about without becoming discouraged. Darryl is correct about his gravitational attraction analogy the more distance from an orgasm the easier it is to resist them, especially early on.

I think with any skill there are a few key tricks that other people do that can help to jump start you to success. By the way there is no “Right Answer” just these are a few things that helped us, for some people they may be totally wrong. Here they are:

Stay aware of your body and your partner’s. It is easy to get worked up in the moment and forget the main objective was not to orgasm—this speaks directly to your “genetic promised land” comment. One of you plays “monitor” for awhile. You know what your partner’s “O-face” looks like, their breathing, whatever; the monitor calls a flag on the play and you slow down. Then when things have cooled off you start back up. Self awareness becomes easier the more you do it; you will not even think about—sort of like driving your foot automatically goes to the brake. Then you alternate who is monitor the next night.

Watch your breathing; this is something I read regarding Tantra. You can slow your whole body down by relaxing and slowing your breathing. I am certain you can find plenty on this technique somewhere.

Relax your stomach muscles, something else I read somewhere. I think this is more effective for a man than a woman. At least for us, my girlfriend finds breathing and centering about her chest to help more than the stomach muscle thing.

Keep trying different things that people suggest until you find stuff that works for you—pretty soon you realize, “Hey this works”. We have read things that we both go WTF, everything isn’t for everyone.

Try these and let us know how they worked for you. If you try something else report back on that too, can’t hurt to try something new—we’re always game.

Advanced Degree

Intercourse without orgasm is like a Masters Degree. Ya gotta start small. Sharing sex without intercourse creates the space to feel when you're heating up and note the choices you make toward or away from Karezza. Explore the Lazy Way. The HS diploma comes after several months without intercourse or orgasm. I'm in the sixth grade myself.

Thank you to all who

Thank you to all who responded. I've been in this cycle of abstinence violation where I'll go anywhere from 7 to 50 days in between orgasms over the course of the past three years. I'm finding that the answers to all of my questions, sexuality or not, are pretty much the same. Patience, consistency, diligence and non-attachment to results. It's more about letting go of how you feel in a moment and staying on course. I KNOW it felt better at 50 days than it does the day or week after an orgasm. That's a known. But like Daryl said, achieving that escape velocity is a place I haven't been yet. I'm interested in finding out at what point that is for my own self. What point does the brain stop looking for the orgasm? I think these questions have entirely individual answers. I'm looking forward to finding out. One of the most interesting ideas thrown out in spiritual/consciousness evolution circles is the idea of celibacy and how it effects one's growth. It's time for me to stop thinking and talking about it, and begin being it.

what does it for me

I have enough cause and effect experience. I have a 2 week post-orgasm cycle that is miserable, with poor erections and feeling crappy. I just remember that, and then I don't have an orgasm because I really don't want to.

I think this is a habit, like anything else, that develops when you want it to and you practice.

I have gone months and months without an orgasm, but nowadays it's more like 3 to 5 weeks, which is still more often than I'd like. But it starts with resolve, cause and effect to keep the resolve, and then patience as you develop the habit.