HOCD or GAY

Submitted by Ruud on
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I stopped my severe porn addiction and in a few months time, after some typical withdrawal syptoms hell opened up for me.
I felt anxious being transformed and losing all feelings i know. Completely disconnected with my life. My addiction was always directed to women in general but also very specific fetishes. Also acting out some of my fetish fantasies.
After a few months of abstinence i lost all sexual intrest in women/girlfriend incl. fetish feelings and got erections for guys. Never have a complete erection but there's only response for guys it feels like in the future it will. My identity, as a man/father has changed and every step i take and every thought seems different from before. I feel like different unknown person. There are some good effects of quiting porn but they stand in the shadow of my shocking transformation. My future en my past seemed to be rewritten and i must start all over again. This is very very scary i feel things i never have dreamt of feeling

The last few weeks it all goes very fast. I'm completely obsessed, mental checking and spent every minute and looking at fora's like these for answers. I have lot of (H)OCD symtoms but i also have erection for men and masturbate thinking of men (mostly men i know, male friends, i never felt this way before). Porn addiction is gone altought i check everyday for gay and straight porn what it does to me. But masturbating in front of a screen doesn't arouse me that much anymore. with mental checking my feelings are not only of lust but also becoming emtional and romantic. It feels like two wires have been switched. The chick bouncing on my cock and the girl i take to the cinema are guys now in my mind. at first i thought it's a joke but it won't go away and becomes stronger every day.

My BIGGEST question
Am i complete messed up by years of porn use combined with cold-turkey and did i slip in a severe form of HOCD ? It is taking very long to get back to the old me then.
Or have i been gay all along and the hetro arousal pathways, carved in my brain for decades, overrulled my true orientation and are coming to the surface. A 360 degree turn that pushed me to the brink of madness.
Love to hear some of your opinions read my history below for more info. Don't spare me cause i'm n hell already and feel like there's no way back.

My history
I discovered sex and porn very early on in life and ever since masturbated a lot. I became very sexual. Masterbating and edging to girls and women on TV, magazines and fantasies. If i had nothing to jerk of to i drwa a women myself. loved women. When i was teenager i went to the film Licence to Kill (James Bond) and was so in love and aroused by the two bond girls. I very exciting feeling. From then on playboys and penthouse became my friends. Later on my fantasies became broader and mature women also gave me a thrill. Big breast and butts, my god how much did i loved that. I 've had a few girlfriends and i loved the fact that they were curvy. I usually had problems with sex the first few times but then when thing got going i flourished and loved it. I did not only see women as objects of lust but the precence of a women made feel very nice and behave like a true man. I found it very difficult when a relationship ended and that really got me down.

After a one breakup i had a periode of absence of hetro-feelings and fear of becoming gay. I don't know how long but it dissapeared but it was very traumatic saw a therapist for it. Internet came along and things started picking up quick. Before i knew my addiction was huge. Porn gave me relief for that stress of life and became a way of life. Looking back i see that i organised my life around porn. It cost me lost of money and stress and a waste of talent and changes. To relief this stress more porn and that became a visous circle. It was then when i developed some fetish feelings for big women (BBW) and acted them out. The more women the better this lasted for at least a decade. I decided to quit because a wanted go forward in life. I don't know if my fetish started wearing off first or i decided to quit first but the end result is that i'm totally confused and all of my histroy is gone like it's never been there.

Honestly,

no one, including you, can figure out the answer to this question until you give your brain a few months off of porn, porn fantasy, "testing" and so forth.

However, I can certainly tell you that your story is one I have heard over and over, and so far, no one has "turned out to be gay."

I think the anxiety is normal during withdrawal. And it's normal for it to get worse before it gets better.

Have you read this page and the links at the bottom? I'm straight, but attracted to transexual or gay porn. What's up?

THANX,

I agree with you. Mabye you never know for certain but i also feel that taking time off from these issues and focussing on work and social activities will help in getting back a balance. At this stage i'm tired of worrying and want to embrasse life again.

But fundamental feelings and drives seem different to me, like some unknow identity, and it changed so rapidly. i'm scared that al the feelings i've had in life towards all kind of relations where fake and synthetic. Therefore it's hard to find the strenght to climb out of this 'hole' i'm in and take on new things.
The drive to do things you know for sure wo'nt help is great. Avoid contact, checking internet all the time and thinking about ending life. I have to make a plan of action i think.

I'm gonna read the article you suggested. THX

Some good but more bad

For me it's about 7/8 months when i quit porn. Sometimes used it for reasurance but not in the sick amount i used to. I can say i beat it and the urge for porn is not there anymore. When you say 'slowly' you mean longer then this period? Good part: i'm less anxious (cause of medicine) and have more time but i don't want to live like this. There are a few stange things i never read about from other posters :

1. I had a strictly straight but huge and long porn (decade) addiction but also a intemate loving relationship with my girl. (Sex was good and loving but not that often cause i often had my way during the day) She was in my heart and wanted to grow old with her. I loved everything that makes a women: tender, curves, smooth, soft and sweet.

2. Right now there is nothing left of it and i even wondered if it did exist. But i know in my mind it did and i asked it the other night. I'm so far away from that identity but in time it's only few months . shellschoked!
I don't rubberneck when i girls walks by. Only men can get something going. The moment i realised i got a boner (little more then groinal response) from the thoughts of men, i couldn't believe it. First time ever. From then that became leading and girls faded to the back ground. The attraction for men is different but the more i think and obsess about it the more it starts to look like the thing i had with girls. It feels like i slowly projected all the love and lust for women on men. My friends can n ot be my mates anymore.

3. My genitals changed. Penis looks bigger and balls feel twice the size. My scrotum hangs like a big balloon in my shorts. Feels like it's physically so different and impossible to get hardon for women because of this change. When i try to masterbate my balls retract them self so high up into my body.
This only happens with straight thoughts not gay.

For me there is almost no other conclusion than that i'm gay. I think i have the worst type of withdrawl.
Never got into gay porn, shemales and then it al tips over the moment i stop. Not straight, bi but gay. My live must have been based on feelings (that felt true) but where due to my addiction. The sex, the love and feeling of masculinity of being a man which felt good and familiar. Feelings i remember as long as i lived are gone.

I can't imaging HOCD doing this, Marnia. I think i masterbated myself into a false identity. Possible?

Now i feel like a stanger in my own body and life. I can't pick up my old life. I got some professional help but not therapy yet. Every inch of my body wants to stop living. But i loved life before. I breath on the smallest hope i'll ever be that guy again.

The idea that i'll never will enjoy a nice cleavage, a round butt, nice firm thighs, lovely legs, glinstering eyes, full lips, shiny hair, dimples, freckles and courting /flirting with a women i can and will never ever accept!

I think i stay of these forums for a while now. It's becoming an obsession on it's own.
But i think your doing good work, Marnia and this other guy Wink

THX

Masturbation

Hey Ruud,

You mentioned you quit porn, but did you ever attempt to quit masturbation/orgasm for a longer period, like 60 or 90 days? That may be feeding the HOCD. Since we wired our brains to think about fantasy, we have no connection with the real world. When we decondition our brain from MO, then we lose our urge for the fantasy and we come back to reality of cleavage and dimples, but more importantly a soulful male/female connection. Us HOCD people become numb or desensitized to women because of us wiring our fantasy to orgasm, and the biological downfall that comes after known as the orgasm cycle, which can last up to 15 days. Our sensitivity to women begins to return after a few weeks, but it takes much longer to overcome after years of wiring to your hand/sexual fantasy.

Hey Musician

I've been following your blog. How are you these days?

I've quit porn and edging on a daily basis for more then half a year! The addiction is gone!
PMO i do now is pure related to reassuring. So i did not stop 100%. Let's say i brought it down to 10%. Last few weeks i took medican (SSRI's) that decreased my libodo futher more. That brought it down to nearly zero. I agree with you that we are trained and wired to lose ourself in fantasy instead of embracing real live.
I notice i'm constantly busy with thoughts. But then again this is not so strange if you experienced such a change as i did. I wonder if i would do the same and have all these problems if my POST porn days were straight and my identity the same.

I will try your suggestion: I'm gone try and quit everything until 2013 in related to sex except cuddle with my girlfriend without intentions. Altough it's strange and painfull that nothing leads from the cuddling like he old days.

Indeed i am a very suffere case and i feel that the struggle is far from over. I need a new things in life to fill up the huge gap that porn left. I notice i miss direction in life but porn days are defenitly over.
Best new drug of choice would be the love and dedication to my wife and kids but that connection sadly seems very low these days. And masculine energy i lack makes it hard to be ambitious in work or go out with my mates. That makes me think that only a new gay life will give me the energy i need to proceed. Pure speculation which makes the urg bigger. I have to live life primary based on my own achivements and ambition and enery not based on porn,sex or sexual partners. I hope the rest will work out later.

THX for your reaction

Sorry to hear about your

Sorry to hear about your experience. I think quitting everything can help, and rewiring with cuddling. I notice even when I look at faces of celebrities I get a rush and I feel happy, but then I lose it, spiking me a little. I was playing a gig yesterday and there was this STUNNING girl, and I fantasized about how if I wasn't single I could totally get her, and I could not even envision getting such a girl before my reboot. But then, I thought about it later, and couldn't think about her, but I could only think about guys. So that type of fantasy, even without porn, can be a trigger.

I think you just have to have faith. I very often don't have faith, but I think it's important. There have been lots of studies done, like on YBOP, so people have reported progress. I only hope that I can stick with the program and get better. I hope you can see the same results. But I think even fantasies without porn can be real bad, let alone firing up those same pathways through testing.

This sounds a lot

like me when I chose divorce. I didn't understand that the honeymoon neurochemistry in my relationship had (naturally) expired and that that I was habituating to my partner from having too much conventional sex.

I felt like I had just picked the wrong person. Otherwise, how could my feelings have changed so profoundly, right? Although I wasn't proposing to change genders, I still thought a new lover would be my "life's blood." (And a new lover always does provide a rush...for a while, because of that honeymoon booster shot that biology furnishes!) So, I can certainly see how a brain could get a rush from such a "daring" step such as the one now calling to you.

It took me many years to figure out that biology was the culprit, that it was conjuring up an illusion, and that karezza was (for me, at least) a solution. By having sex without climax, the magnetism in my relationship and my perception of my partner strengthened...and we have been together happily for a dozen years. Wow!

Whether you find any of this useful in your situation, I can't say. But you may find this article of interest: What If She Were Always in the Mood?

When brains habituate, they tend to obsess over whatever seems to offer the biggest potential "reward." That's how biology keeps us moving on to new partners. If you try a gay relationship and the obsession evaporates...you'll know biology was tricking you. If it doesn't, then maybe your instincts were trustworthy. Mine never were...although they certainly felt they were at the time.

Breakthrough and anxiety

I had a day were i try to accept all this bullshit and on the way home i looked at a girl little bit like in the 'old days'. A little bit, i must say, old days meaning months ago. I succeeded to have no expectations that day and just go with the flow and i didn't analyse or explain this moment. In a good or bad way. That evening and night i cuddled with my girl and even got hard i was very very much into her. Sex was in the air we didn't wanna push things. But it was nice. Nice feeling something again. I also did some non-sexual things that evening i hadn't been doning since my problems started that made feel like before and more in touch.

But is was so intense and full of love that it also scared me. Was this "the last supper" based on fear/anxiety or was the first light after period of darkness. Was it going back to relationship i already ended in my mind and had one last positive lookback sortof distance makes the heart...wanning it To much. But I really meant everything i said and felt. I started mental checking gay stuff and projecting it on the situation. But it didn't spoil the moment and i couldn't really graps the gay thing like before. It was more distant. The erection was clearly a result of our fine moment.

All my associations with sex and romantic feelings are with girls but the last half year changed that. So i have had i couples of times were i thought i was coming back because of the associations but then the gay thing popped up.

So in the last two days i had some moments that were different than the last months. Breaking of a trend more in touch with my body and feelings. But now i am super anxious that it's me goning futher on the gay road adjusting to it. I notice i somehow accpeted that i was gay and it was sort of becoming part of me and now this hits me. Bit surprised. Want grap it and not let it go but anxiety hits me now will continue to go better.
I cant dwell on it i am confused.

It is clear to me there is a new balance coming up. Either me as a gay or me just not reconising this new feeling of love attraction for my girl in comparison to the years of addiction.

I am very scared but also with a little bit of hope. Something i lacked for months.

Any thought? Keep ya posted!

Hi Ruud,

Hi Ruud,

I read your posts and I can relate to your story, had about the same experience! I also have major HOCD anxiety from time to time, but there is still something within me that tells me I'm not gay. I also started porn very early and all these memory's have come to my mind. Like: "I have lived a lie". "my attraction to women was becease of the dopamine". "I have to leave her someday beceause truly I'm gay". I stayed away from orgasm for about 2 weeks, and very rapidly I could see some hope and results! It can be very difficult not to engage in orgasmic sex but I think the solution lies here.

(I'm also porn free for about 7/8 months just like you). Are you Dutch btw?

I will keep my hopes up for you!

German (Grandfather was dutch )

Thx for your support! same for you! What are the "hopes and results" you experience? We can go PM if you' d like.

When i think back this could well be the first period in my life that i masterbate without external stimulation from magazines or movies or spying on the neighbours wife Wink I still masturbated but i think now, like you, the answer lies in abstinance from orgasme. It's at least worth a try! Don't know if my small victory has something to do with it! And i would like to let sex fade to the background for a while. But it is especially tough for people like us who until now had their addiction on the center stage in life. Losing your addiction is one thing but also losing your identity with it, is unbearable for me. Like losing your best friend and yourself at once.

The addiction was fundamental in life and i'm out in the open and suddenly naked myself. Coming to grips with renewed feelings. Whether it be straight or gay i'll have to accept that the feelings probably will be different forever, either way. That 's what makes it so confusing, i think. The love (also physical) i suddenly felt for my lady was deeper and different and makes that i dont regonize and trust it yet. The lust was based on love more then the other way around. The lust for other women down the street is close to zero that i miss a lot: the basic urge to fuck a women. But in my daydreams a regonizable straight feeling comes back whether it be one from way way way back. When all was clear to me!

My anxiety for the most part based on the lack of female attraction. Would have less problems with a gay thought every now and then but not without my dominant straight feelings that have been my compagnion over the years.

The first 20 years of my life where strictly straight witput a doubt. My hopes for the future are based on that fact. This includes a large period without a strong dopamine addiction like the internet get's you involved in. I read that internet is a highspeed train in addiction and the old playboy is like gently walking.

The fact that during the addiction no clue about being gay entered my life as disturbing as it now gives me some hope too. I believe porn has big impact but faking a complete straight life on all levels incl. acting out is something me and my body cannot believe.

Good luck to you!

orgasm affects your judgment

It affects it for weeks. Maybe a long term number of orgasms with porn affect it for months. 

If that is the case (and I think it is) then you can't really make any determinations about your orientation until after you have quit porn and masturbation and orgasms for awhile. That's when things will become more clear, in my opinion. Until then I wouldn't jump to any conclusions.

Part of OCD

is a miserable ache for certainty...at any price.

However, things are likely to bounce around for a bit. There will be good feelings with your honey and weird days with HOCD spikes. Either way...just sit back and observe for a while. No testing, no testing of fantasies, no questing for certainty. "Be like water...and flow."

In a couple of months you can look back and see which way things are shifting.

Live with the uncertainty and stay on your snowboard. Wink