Not quite sure how to begin, because in my opinion this is a long and complex story, I apologize for how long this will be but I have some things that I would like to share with all of you wonderful people, hence the reason I'm here.
I'm a 24 year old straight male, I'm athletic, good looking, intelligent, everything you could ask for...physically. But my mind is another story, my Achilles heel if you will. I've struggled with ocd my entire life, it started out with a fear of death, then germs/cancer, and within the last few years has morphed into hocd/sexual dysfunction, and as bad as the others were I think the hocd has been the most detrimental to me as a person. I've always known I liked girls, ever since I was young. Their body, their legs in particular would drive me absolutely nuts! But I always had a "man crush", not that I wanted to hook up with them, but I wanted to look like them. I would literally imagine myself looking like them and hooking up with girls, I guess this is a self esteem issue (I have freckles, always been kind of embarrassed of them). I've also always been very shy, never really talked to or approached girls on my own. Fast forward about 10 years to high school to my junior year, i got my first girlfriend. It was awesome. The relationship aspect, the chemistry, and of course the sex. From that point on I always had a GF and everything was great for me sexually, I used to be great in the bedroom, no problems no nothing. Then college happened...one time being flaccid mounted on top of another, before I knew it whenever it came time for sex, my penis simply wouldn't function. You can imagine how embarrassing this became. Plus I think I rumor began to circulate that I would never seal the deal when with a girl or that I was gay, either way not good!
Then I saw the movie that would change my life.."whatever works". Where one of the characters in the movie realizes later in life that he is gay. For whatever reason this triggered my OCD and it put it all together. I thought well, clearly i must be gay because I can't get hard whenever I'm with a girl, I used to have man crushes, people were talking behind my back, and when there's smoke there's fire they say...I must be gay! It FREAKED me out. It was all I could think about, like holy shit I'm gay! How did this happen?? Why me?? How do I get rid of this? And it wasn't until finding this website that I realized this was a form of OCD, thank god for this community. Now I'm at least able to rationalize that I know I'm not gay, but I feel like everyone thinks I'm gay and it really freaks me out. It's changed who I am as a person. I don't have the same relationship I used to have with many of my best friends. But worst of all is that it has left me with a severe sexual dysfunction. Whenever I'm getting it on with a girl, I almost have mini panic attacks about not getting an erection and before I know it, the whole process becomes my nightmare. It's like I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm there with a naked girl but paralyzed by my own fear! It's unexplainably horrifying. I simply don't possess the mental strength to perform sexually anymore, and it's terrible because at one point I was great at sex, I mean I used to get hand jobs in English class for christ sake! I was the man ! Lol sorry i'm not trying to brag, i promise. But the point
I'm trying to make is that I would get hard every time whenever I needed to. Now I know that if I was just able to relax and enjoy it and stop thinking about it, I would have no problem. But I can't, I'm like a prisoner stuck in my own mind.
So here I am today, I haven't had sex in almost 2 years. The worst part is that i can go out and come home with a girl every night, but when it comes time to get down, I just can't. My sex life is all I think about now, like why me? Why can't I just be like everyone else and have a normal sex life? I'm sure there are quite a few girls that I've failed miserably with that think I am gay when they are laying there ready to go and I'm sitting there with wet spaghetti in my pants. All this does is trigger my hocd about it must mean that I'm gay and that everyone thinks I'm gay and it has just become a vicious cycle. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to try and hook up with a girl that is friends with my friends, because I know that I will fail and then all my friends will hear about it and think I'm gay. I've had numerous potentially great hookups that I've not even made an effort to pursue out of fear of failure.
So I ask you, the reuniting community, for help. How do I go about attacking this? I know that one day I will be fine and this will all be behind me, but I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel just yet. Any help is much appreciated and I promise that once I get this figured out I will help all those who are struggling. Thank you all for reading.