How can I be supportive while not being pushy?

Submitted by Openhearted1 on
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Hello all. So, my bf has been rebooting off and on for nearly a year. He's also in therapy, a men's group, and all that good stuff. The longest he has gone off porn is 5 months (which is great--huge improvement!), but the rebooting process is taking awhile. Here's the thing--I'm not sure what more to do--he knows that for a full reboot he has to not PMO or MO or M. And he's gone up to 3 weeks without M, but that's where he reaches his breaking point. I realize that by pushing him I become more of a nag, and I realize rebooting is really difficult!! And, I want so badly to have him want me physically the way I've been desired by past partners. I don't want to hurt his feelings by explaining what it's been like in past relationships sexually, but I think it's been so many years since he's had that natural drive toward an in-person female that he doesn't remember what it should feel like. I just am at a loss. I love him, I want to stay with him, and I know it's a process. I get that. Is there any tips for him to help him reboot more easily? To get over the hump? And finally---does the rebooting actually work---will he have that natural drive again---making him want to initiate sex with me? This is just so painful, and I have no one to talk about this other than a therapist. :(

Have you tried karezza?

It's gentle lovemaking where orgasm is _not_ the goal. It may be soothing for him, and it may actually alleviate his craving for PMO. It will be a lot different for you, if you are accustomed to conventional (pile-driver, orgasmic) sex, but you might find that you like it, too.

Hang in There my friend.

Rebooting is not an easy process for everyone here.
Frustrations are always at a rise, especially when we are into the process of things we aren't used to.
Focus your attention on the progress your partner is achieving, and that what you are both doing is for the long term goal of your relationship.
Try practicing karezza for as long as the focus of your lovemaking is your centered on how much you love each other and not for the goal of orgasm.
Also, focus on the positive aspects of each other. Compliment each other's achievement and not to dwell on each other's mistake.
It is a process, and that each person has a different way of progressing.
Be each other's support and stay happy.


If you think he might try karezza

for a month or so, it can help meet both partners' needs. But it also will be nothing like your past passionate relationships. Once you get the hang of it though, it can be delicious.

Some guys recovering from addiction have found it very helpful: Karezza is for addicts (too)

Sorry for what you're going through. It's tough to reset the brain while continuing to orgasm, but exploding with frustration isn't useful either. Karezza is a narrow way past both of those challenges.

So where

is the best place to get basics on Karezza---I know this site has a lot of information--but is there a specific book--is Cupid's Poisoned Arrow a book to start with? Thanks!

It depends on what kind of approach you like

Cupid is a blend of science and ancient traditions. Diana Richardson's books call the practice tantra, and are not scientific. They can be quite helpful. Here's a sample: Here's an interview with her:

There are some old, free books on karezza here:

There are lots of FAQs in "Karezza Korner" See lefthand margin for link.

Have fun!

Information is your friend

Firstly big congrats on getting involved with his reboot jounrey and signing up here. These things work 1000% better as a team.

Secondly information is your friend, and books are cheaper than theyve ever been.

So first read Cupid. Then Richardson's The heart of tantric sex, in that order. After that it will all make sense. I promise.