How to talk to a long-distance partner about Karezza

Submitted by whitedeer on
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Hi again everyone. After years of being single I've started dating a friend who I've known online for over a year, (long story) and we've slowly gotten to know each other despite a large physical distance separating us. He is going to be traveling to see me relatively soon.

I've discussed karezza with him in a relatively cursory way, and while he was not entirely closed-minded they seemed emotionally resistant to it (I wasn't happy either when I learned about the reality of orgasm!), and seemed to get at least somewhat angry.

I know Marnia has spoken in interviews about giving people a book to get the negative projection onto something other than herself, so I have given him a few videos and articles which he did watch/read (which while it doesn't sound like much, is much more open than my previous partner).

He is concerned about the prospect of blue-balls, and that is a very fair concern in my opinion. I gave him the "4 steps for men" article but he still thinks it will be a problem. I am worried that when we do meet, he'll be raring to go and skip over the exchanges period, and create a self-fulfilling prophecy of blue balls if he approaches intimacy in that mindset. From there it would be an excuse not to try this method moving forward.

I don't want to be a controlling partner or a "downer" on his attraction - how can I talk about this without coming off as controlling? I am afraid that if his mindset is on the conventional program, that there will be a) blue balls but b) hangover regardless as to whether there are orgasms or not, (especially if there are) which will then make it much harder to make karezza appealing/effective.

What I am planning to do is try to focus on doing exchanges and attempting to go slow and abstain from orgasm when he's here, but that's about all I can think of doing without basically attempting to force him to do things "my way," which is a very very bad place to be in any relationship and which I would not appreciate if he were to do the same to me.

Any help on this upcoming conundrum - whether it's information I can share with him before he gets here, or what I can try in person, I would much appreciate it.

It's difficult to feel you are genuinely right about something but also refrain from pushing that view/perspective on others.

I think it’s a mistake to

I think it’s a mistake to pressure a partner.

I know this is difficult, but the key is to do this yourself. Practice Karezza yourself. And he will try it himself. I think what works is what I did. I just said, I’m not coming this time...

Nothing permanent or long term. Just “this time.” If you try that I think it will work.

I wish great happiness to you both.

Karezza introduction isn't well suited

for short visits between new partners separated by long distances - except as Emerson suggests, where you quietly, resolutely set an example in a friendly manner.

Also, today's sexual environment is a particularly tough one in which to introduce a concept like karezza. It's unlikely you'll succeed in persuading him to forego ejaculation if you have sex. Count it a step in the right direction if you two manage to make love slowly and not rush toward orgasm. One old book says to stay connected for a while after orgasm for best results. You might try that too.

Should he decide to experiment and experience blue balls, send him here...or rather, be ready to share what to do: Help for blue balls. This page was written for men suddenly giving up porn, and many have found it helpful.

Hope you have a wonderful time together.


thank you

Thanks Marnia!

The visit won't be short as they are staying for over a month, (long story) thankfully, so the issue about long-term long distance shouldn't be as much of an issue as it might be in other situations where you have a day or weekend together sporadically.

Yes I think that unfortunately they may be a typical 21st century guy/person, ie, a regular porn user etc. So I am refraining from talking about the subject further, and will try to show rather than tell but also as emerson said above, will keep the decision to not go for orgasm my own decision rather than demand he do the same.

Am hoping that he will at least be open to reading CPA even if he doesn't end up wanting to practice this way, because I think it would be much less harmful if he reads about the concept in a book rather than have me trying to explain it myself and coming off like an evangelist.

Let's take it slow!

As the host of this visit, you have the right to set the rules. Whether you exercise that right is up to you.

I would suggest that you try to agree to no sex or heavy petting for the first week of the visit. You can say that you want some time to get to know him and feel safe and comfortable with him, without sex being a distraction. Sleeping together and cuddling are fine, just avoid getting too sexually aroused.

Your guy might even welcome the get-to-know-you time without sex, especially if he has performance anxiety or other ED problems.

See for some inspiration.

Perhaps this is already

Perhaps this is already irrelevant...

As it sounds like this is a new sexual relationship, it could be worthwhile exploring karezza without presure to do things in any particular way. I would think he would be more receptive to experimenting with you rather than having to agree to something he hasn't yet expereinced. 

As part of experimenting you might try agreeing not to orgasm initially with the option of later on during the visit. See how you each feel along the journey. That should delay any self-fulfillment of his concerns.