I have a problem - Going down dangerous path again after very good success (multiple 60, 90 day PMO free phases)

Submitted by daneman on
Printer-friendly version

I haven't been on this site for a while, and that's because I was having great results. I've gone through various phases... A extended phase of no M/P (45 days) where I was very actively going out, talking to women, and working on my confidence, and two extended phases of total spiritual celibacy, with many hours a day of spiritual practice (60 days, and 90 days). During the former, my confidence was skyrocketing quickly, and I felt as I would be able to easily pick up women very soon if I continued. Upon realizing that I could, I realized I didn't really care, and then I went deeper into my spiritual path. The spiritual phases were definitely the best times of my life... Extreme Focus, Evenness of Emotion, Extremely joyful states, high awareness of what I need to do in my life, immense emotional purification

However due to certain pressures, a few weeks ago I slipped and broke my 90 day celibacy, which set the addictive cycle back in place. Since then I have masturbated perhaps 7-8 times.. all in groups of 2-3 times separated by a period of days. I feel much weaker but tonight I have made the decision to turn this around, and I realized I needed help outside of my help which is why I'm writing this. This site has definitely helped in the past.

My concern is less actually the fact that I masturbated (though disappointing, because the spiritual results of brahmacharya are so great), but more what to. The fantasies are becoming more and more intense and uncontrollable. I was already into shemales, now I have an interest in bdsm, and not only have I been masturbating about this, but have been taking steps to try to find someone in real life to fulfill this. I contacted one TS, but before writing this post I deleted that email account so I won't be able to maintain contact.

It does not matter to me whether I"m actually bi, or whether this is a result of porn rewiring my brain. Either way, I don't want to feel like such a slave to the senses. I have experienced freedom from this and I'd like to be there again... ! Each time after i masturbate, immediately the post-orgasm clarity rushes in.. "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?." I guess i just have to remember that, and remember that these are just patterns in my brain playing out, trying to trick me into acting a certain result. Logically there is no basis for this kind of behavior, it is purely impulsive. I wasted the whole day today... and feel awful as a result!!

On an up note, I was able to see where some of these fantasies are coming from (in relation to childhood). I don't think however that knowing why you have them makes them good or beneficial. THese are highly addictive patterns of behavior that cause dysfunction in life.

My plan is to do a lot of yoga, running, spiritual practice, reading, music, and stay in the company of people who i consider to be pure of heart.

If anyone has any advice or comments let me know!

Sounds like you

have enough experience to have a good sense of direction. Congratulations on all your progress.

Binges can set off those spirals really easily. Did you read this?

What is "the chaser?"

Here are some tips if you want to put the brakes on:

I relapsed or am in danger of relapse. (EMERGENCY MEASURES) | Your Brain On Porn

Why not consider finding a partner and trying karezza? That's what this site is actually about.

Welcome back!

 

The desire to email this she

The desire to email this she male this morning was incredibly strong--- I have not woken up with my dopamine so fucked up in a long time- yikes. Thanks for the links. Partner isn't a likely option. I do get along with girls well (something I learned during previous reboots) but its pretty tough to find one I resonate with at the level where I'd want to have them around all the time and practice karezza. I am very hesitant to get another partner after last girlfriend. Breaking up was just too hard- the end of the world- and I really enjoy solo celibacy more than relationship (in my experience thus far- and in the relationship we were truly head over heels In love until things went sour --- she wasn't really feeling karezza)

Something that can help get some oxytocin is natural grounding... Or solo tantra with the key sound. Ultimately my path is total celibacy (sooo blissful and perfect peace) but now that I screwed up these solo sexual practices might be a positive transition into that.

This site

is about the synergy available between partners. There are way better sites for those whose objective is solo celibacy. Good luck on your journey.

Fair Enough - i just remember

Fair Enough - i just remember having good help here in the past. you are probably right - I should find the communities that most line up with my own goals. The reason i particularly like this site is the intense understanding of how porn and other intense fantasy effects the brain -- very comforting. So even if I dont hang around here I thank you for your work.

what you describe daneman

is a very dopamine fueled path that is very normal with most of us.

It's the wanting cycle.

The point of what we do here I think is although there is no right or wrong, it avoids the intense wanting, desire, attraction, feeling of lack. With it is the intense excitement of the forbidden or the naughty or whatever it is.

But once you get into Karezza, if you ever do, which I think requires a partner BTW, then you stop experiencing the desire for all this as the intensity of wanting instead becomes an intensity of what you already have and where you are right now.

That is the greatest gift I've received from the time I started frequenting this website.

If you REALLY don't want to go further down the path you are going, then you will need to make major changes. I would think avoiding masturbation porn and orgasm, avoiding exposure to these types of websites and shemale individuals would be just the start. Finding replacement behaviors for the times you are spending now thinking of these situations and people or acting out on it. And above all finding a partner who is not part of the dopamine fantasy game.