I haven't been on this site for a while, and that's because I was having great results. I've gone through various phases... A extended phase of no M/P (45 days) where I was very actively going out, talking to women, and working on my confidence, and two extended phases of total spiritual celibacy, with many hours a day of spiritual practice (60 days, and 90 days). During the former, my confidence was skyrocketing quickly, and I felt as I would be able to easily pick up women very soon if I continued. Upon realizing that I could, I realized I didn't really care, and then I went deeper into my spiritual path. The spiritual phases were definitely the best times of my life... Extreme Focus, Evenness of Emotion, Extremely joyful states, high awareness of what I need to do in my life, immense emotional purification
However due to certain pressures, a few weeks ago I slipped and broke my 90 day celibacy, which set the addictive cycle back in place. Since then I have masturbated perhaps 7-8 times.. all in groups of 2-3 times separated by a period of days. I feel much weaker but tonight I have made the decision to turn this around, and I realized I needed help outside of my help which is why I'm writing this. This site has definitely helped in the past.
My concern is less actually the fact that I masturbated (though disappointing, because the spiritual results of brahmacharya are so great), but more what to. The fantasies are becoming more and more intense and uncontrollable. I was already into shemales, now I have an interest in bdsm, and not only have I been masturbating about this, but have been taking steps to try to find someone in real life to fulfill this. I contacted one TS, but before writing this post I deleted that email account so I won't be able to maintain contact.
It does not matter to me whether I"m actually bi, or whether this is a result of porn rewiring my brain. Either way, I don't want to feel like such a slave to the senses. I have experienced freedom from this and I'd like to be there again... ! Each time after i masturbate, immediately the post-orgasm clarity rushes in.. "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?." I guess i just have to remember that, and remember that these are just patterns in my brain playing out, trying to trick me into acting a certain result. Logically there is no basis for this kind of behavior, it is purely impulsive. I wasted the whole day today... and feel awful as a result!!
On an up note, I was able to see where some of these fantasies are coming from (in relation to childhood). I don't think however that knowing why you have them makes them good or beneficial. THese are highly addictive patterns of behavior that cause dysfunction in life.
My plan is to do a lot of yoga, running, spiritual practice, reading, music, and stay in the company of people who i consider to be pure of heart.
If anyone has any advice or comments let me know!