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Hello there.

I'm a 31 year old male. I have the sex drive of a 15 year old boy. I'm in a committed relationship. I'm an artist by profession and have lots of free time. I don't answer to a boss. I'm currently doing psychotherapy for my intense mood swings and traumatic past. I refuse to take medication. I love music and books and mostly spend my time alone when not performing or with my girlfriend. I don't like modern society much and support a different kind of approach to society. More science. Logic, reason, etc. Idealistically I support the concepts of Agape and Ahimsa but haven't managed to put that into practise yet.

I first read the Cupid book back in 2010 and tried to implement some of the things I learned with my then girlfriend. She eventually got into it more than me and never looked back. We broke up that summer because I got pulled back into my own addictions, food, alcohol, porn, sex, etc. I didn't want the karezza life then. I wasn't ready for happiness. And it also wasn't the right partner for me.

But things have changed. Now my goal is simple: happiness and success (two sides of the same coin). The world needs a happy me. That is the greatest gift we can give ourselves and each other. But it's very tough to practise. I am an utter failure in this regard. But failure is also a good teacher. I try to remind myself that my problems are only challenges. I constantly try to read and research about this stuff. And of course find that extra edge as an artist. But also to become whole and healthy. I want to help others do that also once I find my own way. Art is a good tool to bring them in, and then give my own message. Share my truth...

And ever since when I came acrosss "Cupid", I've sort of tried again and again to "get back on the horse" and kick my destructive habits. But have not succeeded. I feel like i've tried everything. It's possible that I just lack the consistent discipline to apply what I have learned for a longer period of time. My record is 75 days without orgasm (in 2010 when in that relationship) and since then I've never got that far. This summer I went a few months without porn but now and then I have these porn-athons where I just go crazy. I literally just surf the internet all day and wait to recover from my previous porn "session". I let myself do this until midnight and swear that this is the last time. And telling myself that "starting at midnight I will kick this habit once and for all". I've done this so many times I've lost count. I even have an account on Nofap reddit site where I can track my progress. To no avail. Sometimes I give up for months and write all this off as hogwash.

Last summer I fell in love once again. The sex was incredible from the beginning. And interestingly enough we found our way into some meditative poses by default and she had never even heard of this before (5 years younger than me). We were also listening to Ram Das lectures after having intense "porn" sex combined with more gentler sex. She said that no guy has ever combined these and it was by far the best sex for her. It's always nice to get compliments such as this but I knew that there was much more we could find. SO yeah we fell in love and we are still together. The relationship is quite good even now.

About 3 months into our relationship I bought her the Cupid book and we read it together. She was very interested at first but then seemed to lose interest. I finished it again and hoped we could integrate it more into our lives but she didn't seem to want it. A few times she stopped having sex with me because I was just "being still". She was tired and wanted to be f'**d hard. So naturally I was confused. It's important to me to satisfy my girl and not just pursue my own selfish experiments as I have always done in different areas of my life. So I kind of let it be and thought I would respect her request to not bring it up anymore until she wants to pursue it more.

But I think it did plant some seeds in her because gradually she stopped enjoying orgasms. And doesn't have them too often now. Female sexuality is a strange phenomena. It seems to constantly change. Or I just don't understand it. Or maybe it's related to the evolution of the relationship. She was more hornier a year ago and nowadays wants more and more bonding stuff. Nothing's changed for me.

I'm still addicted to porn. I find her incredibly attractive and basically want her constantly (maybe a male thing to ensure that she's mine?) At first I always told her if I was watching/using porn or if I masturbated but now I don't anymore. Well, unless she asks. And she doesn't like it that I watch porn. I wouldn't mind not watching it if we had sex more often but she doesn't seem to want to have sex more than once per week. I need more if it's the old kind of sex. I just gather this tension and I need to let it go. It's too much to handle for me. I read a few books on the matter like Sexual Transmutation but these are just too pseudo-scientific for me. I haven't found a way that works.

So it seems I'm the one stuck here.

How to proceed, I don't really know.

I love her and we both want to share our lives with each other. We don't live together and are very careful to take these kinds of steps because often people just become roommates and stuck with each other out of fear and habit. Neither of us want that.

I fear that unless I get my sexual thing in control, I will somehow mess up the relationship. Even now, I become needy and a few times I've gotten upset because she didn't want to have sex and we get into an argument. This makes me feel utterly worthless. The "chimp" inside needs sex and pleasure constantly. And clearly this is not attractive at all. It pushes her away even more and creates emotional distance between us that sometimes takes days to recover. She accuses me of "just wanting to cum" and although I lie to her that this is not so, deep inside I kind of know that she's right.

And unless we really start practising karezza, I fear things will end in disaster.

I can already see some cracks starting to show.

I could really use some advice.

We still have the book. I finished it for a second time but she never got past the first 3-4 chapters because she said the author is repeating herself too much (I don't agree). She also doesn't have as much time as me for reading. I wish she would just read the damn book! Frustrating. Maybe there's another way to re-introduce the concepts to her? I think I'm the one addicted to the porn. But she's also addicted to the "hardcore" sex, intense stimulation, dopamine, etc. She also smokes and eats a lot of junk food and is on anti-depressants. So there are definitely issues for both of us regarding this need for high-stimulation activities otherwise we get really anxious and depressed. So it's a complex situation.

I don't know what to do.

Again, some practical advice would be appreciated.

Thanks for your time and sorry for the long post. I just really wanted to share my feelings because I'm having "one of those days" again. Just stuck in this weird zombie like mode. All I want to do is smoke, drink, masturbate, eat crap and basically temporarily destroy myself. I thought I would try something new to break my cycle of destruction so I came here and wrote this.

Enjoy your day friends. Looking forward to hearing from you.
I thought I would make this public so other people might perhaps benefit from it also one day.

I'm gonna fight this thing and live up to my user name!
I have hope! I think that's a good start at least.

Veteran

I'm amazed. You've been a member of this site for three and a half years but never posted before. What a way to start, though!

My main recommendation would be to make a commitment to yourself to have sex more slowly. About a quarter normal speed, as a minimum. This includes solo sex. If you can avoid orgasm, so much the better.

As you don't live with your girlfriend you can't do what I would also suggest which is to get together daily for a naked cuddle.

My wife, who has never read anything about Karezza, found it incredibly dull and pointless to begin with; but nowadays she relishes every moment. She's also become more sexually demanding than at any time in our relationship. She can't get enough of the cuddles, either. Honestly, I can't remember the last time she turned me down for either.

We've been practicing Karezza on and off for years now, with great difficulty to begin with; but I doubt either of us has ever gone 75 days without an orgasm. Half the battle, in my opinion, knowing how orgasm can create problems, is using that knowledge to prevent it from doing so, by being particularly affectionate when you least feel like it.

Thanks for telling us your story

I wish I had a magic wand I could lend you. It's so easy to get stuck on that disintegrating slope you describe. I spent w-a-y too much time on it. That's, of course, why I ultimately became consistent with this practice.

But it took me a while...and many rationalizations and many crash landings. So I totally understand what you're going through.

Your girlfriend's right that my book is repetitive, but the concept isn't an easy one to integrate in our current culture. Besides my husband is a teacher...and he tells me repetition is good. Wink

It's an annoying truth that the less satisfying conventional sex becomes, the more determined we are to reach for something more intense and "hotter" in search of satisfaction. This is not because we're genuinely hornier. It's because our responsiveness to pleasure is actually declining. And the hotter the stimulation, the more it declines. This sucks.

If we "see the writing on the wall" and don't want to go down the spiral again, then we have two choices: switch partners and get a temporary, deceptive burst of honeymoon neurochemistry that peps us up again...for a while. Rinse and repeat indefinitely. OR we try to reset our responsiveness to pleasure. This means taking a time out from intense stimulation.

Maybe show your girlfriend this TEDx talk. It's about food, but it explains why "less is more," and why "more" won't lead to more pleasure. The pleasure trap: Douglas Lisle at TEDxFremont - YouTube

Here's some inspiration for you two: Guys Who Gave Up Porn: On Sex and Romance | Your Brain On Porn There are also a bizillion more self-reports under that article.

Ultimately, it's your choice. And the withdrawal/adjustment period is going to seem pointless, dull, boring and stupid. So if you decide to cut back, be ready and make up your mind in advance how long you're going to stick to the new regime. I found something like the Exchanges helped by providing some structure, but everyone's different. If you're looking for non-intercourse activities (beyond the Exchanges in the book), there are more here: http://www.reuniting.info/resources/exchange_of_the_day

Let us know how it goes. Relationships are precious and you're right to stop the pattern if you can.

Also, if you need support in quitting porn, try this new forum: Reboot Nation You can see the founder here: Reboot FAQ - Wet Dreams, Porn Dreams, Morning Wood - YouTube

Thanks!

That's very helpful thank you very much.

Sood, your suggestion of taking it slower is a great one and something I will definitely start integrating. And the last sentence which is definitely a challenge. I think affection is a powerful thing and oddly enough we don't want to give/receive it when we need it the most. May I ask how you initially began introducing Karezza, how did it play out from there? Were you guys already together long before that?

Marnia, nice to hear from you also. I really respect your work and you seem to be a fine human being. I wish more people would read your book and read in general! I think i'm gonna buy my third copy, this time for my kindle if it is available.

I've been at it for 3-4 years now and I think even that counts for something. When the seed was planted, there was no turning back. There's something about this that resonates with me deeply and is very much aligned with my values. It's also unfortunately a very difficult thing to do, the old habits run so deep. I'm aware of The Pleasure Trap and even read the book many years back (trying to change my diet for the better, still am). I'll definitely share it with my girlfriend.

I also appreciate the relationship "warnings" that really caused me to realize once again how important this is. I really love her and want to be with her and probably wouldn't care about this so much if I didn't feel that way. I see relationships failing constantly around me and I don't want to be another casualty in that regard. What can I say, she's an amazingly beautiful girl inside and outside. I'll be sure also to go through your suggested links.

The thing that I just can't agree with is the 2-3 week thing (mentioned also in The Pleasure Trap). From my personal experience, that is nowhere near enough. More like 2 years. Maybe i'm just an outlier, I don't know. I know even you talk about the 2 week orgasm cycle thing but I think it takes way more than that. And also, we are doing so many other things also that constantly influence our dopamine levels. Getting stimulation from everywhere; food, entertainment, smoking, people, drugs, etc, etc. I would appreciate more of your insight on this. How could things change that quickly when we have a lifetime of destructive habits driving us forward?

Btw, I would love to see you apply your style of writing the Cupid book to other areas like diet and health in general. I like how you combine science, tradition and your own experience all into one cohesive whole to put forth your argument. Are you planning on releasing any more books in the future?

So I'm on reboot day 1. Going well so far. I've had a very fantastic day, feel quite good. I'm going to ask my girlfriend later tonight what she thinks about not having sex for 2 weeks. In the year that we've been together, this has not happened yet and to me is almost unthinkable. My guess is that she will be alright with it.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Just do it

[quote=sexgod]May I ask how you initially began introducing Karezza, how did it play out from there? Were you guys already together long before that?.[/quote]

I got interested in the idea and gradually put it into practice. I didn't discuss it much with my wife, as she isn't keen on theory. Initially, all that meant was, I tried to avoid climaxing. I found this incredibly difficult, and it seemed pointless, to begin with. I couldn't work out out when what we were doing was supposed to end, in the absence of orgasm. My wife went along with what I was doing, but she, too, found it difficult, and difficult to see the point.

It took us ages to find our way. One problem was, we didn't really experience much in the way of negative consequences from orgasm. That wasn't why I got interested, though. It was more the fact that I was finding conventional sex a little disappointing.

Anyway, we persevered, and gradually we both began to enjoy it more. From my wife yawning after ten minutes and me finding myself wondering why I wasn't feeling more ecstatic, we have arrived at a point where we can continue more or less indefinitely, swimming in a sort of ocean of bliss.

I found my wife's orgasms almost as much of an issue as my own. She had never been one for giving herself a climax, and had always relied on me moving in ways that stimulated her. Of course, they also stimulated me, so when I stopped doing them, she was left 'unsatisfied'. I felt mean not to 'give' her what she wanted, so tended to assist with a helping hand. I started noticing this was like having an orgasm by proxy, so steeled myself to resist the temptation.

Nowadays, we make love more often than we ever have, and we orgasm maybe one in every five to ten times. We've been together since 1976, but I'm not sure if that makes it easier or harder to change old habits.

About the two weeks

I'm guessing there are two things at work now in younger love lives. One is the standard post-orgasm cycle, whatever form it takes. The other is longer term desensitization, which make take longer to regulate itself after you get your lead feet off the accelerator.ROFL This post really spells out how these two cycles can interact. Men: Does Frequent Ejaculation Cause A Hangover? | Your Brain On Porn

Although it's about men, something similar (yet slightly different) seems likely to be going on in women too. Women: Does Orgasm Give You A Hangover? | Reuniting

If you two don't want to stop having sex, just try motionless, orgasmless genital connection for a couple of weeks. That should get you past one hurdle. And then maybe you can add back in Sood's slow-motion lovemaking. You just want to try to unhook from the "gotta get that climax!" programming.

I have no books planned, although I may update Cupid one of these days. There's really quite a lot of research out now that shows post-orgasmic changes. One study that Gary just found shows that the cell bodies of key dopamine-producing cells shrink temporarily after ejaculation. It's getting very clear that things like this can subtly (or not so subtly) affect perception, although no one is testing for that. They're all just looking for the next Viagra. Biggrin I've collected a lot of this research here for science types: Research | Reuniting

A friend of mine in the UK has just registered a new charity (successfully) called "The Reward Foundation." It's purpose will be to further education and research that helps humanity apply the science about the reward circuitry to daily life. Porn is one issue, but, as you say, there are other aspects of life that also benefit when we understand how powerful this part of the brain is and what its evolutionary agendas are. AND the importance and means of keeping it in balance. This is a long-term project.

Thanks for sharing

I also want to thank the original poster SEXGOD for sharing your story. I'm the same age as you actually.

difference between me and you is that - I'm actually a virgin...- i talk about it in this thread here...if you scroll down - you'll see my conversation w/ marnia about my background and everything...

http://www.reuniting.info/comment/92982#comment-92982

i'm also a recovering porn addict too...and after learning about Gary's YBOP site and learning about replacing the addiction with the idea of intimacy (intimate touch, sharing, caring, loving) - so ...

i was only interested in learning about porn addiction & giving it up - but when i discovered the idea of letting go of porn and embracing the idea of replacing the addiction with love & touch...i had a light-bulb moment...

I was able to let go of porn & masturbation. i must be 100% honest. i don't really masturbate anymore..because i understand in my head that it's not real sex and that i really want emotional connection/intimacy - and jacking off to porn only gives me an orgasm....

so what do i do - To make a long story short - you could say i look at european chick flicks and romance themed episodes from family shows from the 70's and 80s.

it's similar to how men use porn to aid masturation and visualize - i use love stories w/ a good plot to help me visualize myself as the man receiving the soft touch and loving intimacy...from a nice female who loves me...i try to feel it in my head...

And i try very very hard.. to visualize the slow intimate touch in my head and while it's not a full blast of oxytocin but it's close enouh and it's something that holds me over until that special someone shows up - because i'm single right now, just graduated and i'm moving out of my parents and starting a new career soon..

but i'm worried about what will happen when i get in a relationship. And i'm glad u share this - because - i worry that i'll have the same problem as you do....

i'm scared to death - that i'll meet a girl who just wants to get "f**ed hard" too...and will get bored with me....and leave me for somebody who has "better bedroom moves"

i mean to be honest - right now - i'm around women who talk and think like these girls do...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsuQS3L8ju0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5mChzFQhFg

so - i'm even trying to understand better about body movements....and how the choreography of love-making will now be....i mean - hard thrusting, oral stimulation, hand-jobs, - i mean how does slow sex really look and feel like for the man who is the one who is doing the work in the session...

so i also have alot to learn about choreography of my sex moves and finding a nice lady who is PATIENT enough to try this...

so thanks for sharing your problem...

i'm now looking at a documentary film called "slow sex" by diana richardson...i'm learning alot from it..
http://www.slowsex-derfilm.de/en/trailer.html

some of the men and couples interviewed in the documentary - sound similar to you ...

If you meet a girl who leaves

If you meet a girl who leaves you for hard f____ elsewhere, throw a celebration good-bye party. Her addiction will eventually take her downhill as well, she just needs to discover that for herself when the timing's right for her. Even the new guy with the 'great moves' she eventually finds will lose his appeal to her down the road when he isn't new to her anymore. You're new goals for intimacy are exactly what some women are looking for, they often just keep quiet about it because they don't think they'll fit in socially. Keep "feeling" the romance movies and what you're really looking for can be more easily magnetized to you because of vibration of the feelings.

In the movies, notice also how they treat each other conversationally as well. They don't go on and on about a past love experience that stands out in their minds. Instead, they're focused on each other right now.

Islander wrote:

[quote=Islander]If you meet a girl who leaves you for hard f____ elsewhere, throw a celebration good-bye party. Her addiction will eventually take her downhill as well, she just needs to discover that for herself when the timing's right for her. Even the new guy with the 'great moves' she eventually finds will lose his appeal to her down the road when he isn't new to her anymore. You're new goals for intimacy are exactly what some women are looking for, they often just keep quiet about it because they don't think they'll fit in socially. Keep "feeling" the romance movies and what you're really looking for can be more easily magnetized to you because of vibration of the feelings.

In the movies, notice also how they treat each other conversationally as well. They don't go on and on about a past love experience that stands out in their minds. Instead, they're focused on each other right now.[/quote]

yeah...when I'm finally in a positive situation...I'll return here and talk about my experiences...i no longer engage in women bashing because it's up to me as a man to attract positive energy into my life...

but...it's not so much about a bad woman or a good woman who is patient...some people (like me in the past) have this idea that i'm supposed to PERFORM.

i know a girl who i talk to over the internet...she's russian. she's a nice person. she's 21. she has a boyfriend who smokes-drinks who is a jerk basically but he gives her the rough sex /orgasm she likes.

her previous boyfriend...she claims was a nicer boy - whom she lost her virginity with - but she was unimpressed because he was "like a log" - he didn't make her cum or orgasm. and she has opportunities to be with nice men who like her - but she fears these "nice men" are like her first boyfriend. and she has admitted to me that she feels confused.

So - it will be an interesting challenge for me - i need to focus on women with mature personality...

A different way to start a relationship

Cuddling, snuggling up and sleeping together, and other bonding behaviors are even more important to me than sex. I want a partner that I actually enjoy spending time with. So if I ever have to find another partner, I will go about it as I did in my story at http://www.reuniting.info/node/7970 . I would want to live and sleep together with a woman for at least a month, before having sex. I recommend this approach to you also.

If a woman is willing to try this with you, I think it shows that she is really interested in you and is willing to explore what a relationship with you would be like. She's not there just for sex.

If you really enjoy being together, if you feel comfortable, relaxed, and safe with each other, I think sex will come naturally and take of itself. Any awkwardness from first-time sex won't be a big deal in the larger picture of your relationship. Any mishaps you can just laugh about and try again some other time. There won't be a lot of pressure. You can be confident that there will be another time and that she won't leave you because you can't perform according to some high standard on the first try.

talk to her

Perhaps it's just a phase for your girlfriend, given that you've started your relationship without Karezza but if her not being interested lasts for too long, she might not be embracing the concept wholeheartedly. Try talking to her and ask her about her thoughts with this practice. If you feel like she's trying really trying and you feel like she's much more drawn to cuddles and spending more time to be together then it's good news and still worth fighting for.