I'm a 31 year old male. I have the sex drive of a 15 year old boy. I'm in a committed relationship. I'm an artist by profession and have lots of free time. I don't answer to a boss. I'm currently doing psychotherapy for my intense mood swings and traumatic past. I refuse to take medication. I love music and books and mostly spend my time alone when not performing or with my girlfriend. I don't like modern society much and support a different kind of approach to society. More science. Logic, reason, etc. Idealistically I support the concepts of Agape and Ahimsa but haven't managed to put that into practise yet.
I first read the Cupid book back in 2010 and tried to implement some of the things I learned with my then girlfriend. She eventually got into it more than me and never looked back. We broke up that summer because I got pulled back into my own addictions, food, alcohol, porn, sex, etc. I didn't want the karezza life then. I wasn't ready for happiness. And it also wasn't the right partner for me.
But things have changed. Now my goal is simple: happiness and success (two sides of the same coin). The world needs a happy me. That is the greatest gift we can give ourselves and each other. But it's very tough to practise. I am an utter failure in this regard. But failure is also a good teacher. I try to remind myself that my problems are only challenges. I constantly try to read and research about this stuff. And of course find that extra edge as an artist. But also to become whole and healthy. I want to help others do that also once I find my own way. Art is a good tool to bring them in, and then give my own message. Share my truth...
And ever since when I came acrosss "Cupid", I've sort of tried again and again to "get back on the horse" and kick my destructive habits. But have not succeeded. I feel like i've tried everything. It's possible that I just lack the consistent discipline to apply what I have learned for a longer period of time. My record is 75 days without orgasm (in 2010 when in that relationship) and since then I've never got that far. This summer I went a few months without porn but now and then I have these porn-athons where I just go crazy. I literally just surf the internet all day and wait to recover from my previous porn "session". I let myself do this until midnight and swear that this is the last time. And telling myself that "starting at midnight I will kick this habit once and for all". I've done this so many times I've lost count. I even have an account on Nofap reddit site where I can track my progress. To no avail. Sometimes I give up for months and write all this off as hogwash.
Last summer I fell in love once again. The sex was incredible from the beginning. And interestingly enough we found our way into some meditative poses by default and she had never even heard of this before (5 years younger than me). We were also listening to Ram Das lectures after having intense "porn" sex combined with more gentler sex. She said that no guy has ever combined these and it was by far the best sex for her. It's always nice to get compliments such as this but I knew that there was much more we could find. SO yeah we fell in love and we are still together. The relationship is quite good even now.
About 3 months into our relationship I bought her the Cupid book and we read it together. She was very interested at first but then seemed to lose interest. I finished it again and hoped we could integrate it more into our lives but she didn't seem to want it. A few times she stopped having sex with me because I was just "being still". She was tired and wanted to be f'**d hard. So naturally I was confused. It's important to me to satisfy my girl and not just pursue my own selfish experiments as I have always done in different areas of my life. So I kind of let it be and thought I would respect her request to not bring it up anymore until she wants to pursue it more.
But I think it did plant some seeds in her because gradually she stopped enjoying orgasms. And doesn't have them too often now. Female sexuality is a strange phenomena. It seems to constantly change. Or I just don't understand it. Or maybe it's related to the evolution of the relationship. She was more hornier a year ago and nowadays wants more and more bonding stuff. Nothing's changed for me.
I'm still addicted to porn. I find her incredibly attractive and basically want her constantly (maybe a male thing to ensure that she's mine?) At first I always told her if I was watching/using porn or if I masturbated but now I don't anymore. Well, unless she asks. And she doesn't like it that I watch porn. I wouldn't mind not watching it if we had sex more often but she doesn't seem to want to have sex more than once per week. I need more if it's the old kind of sex. I just gather this tension and I need to let it go. It's too much to handle for me. I read a few books on the matter like Sexual Transmutation but these are just too pseudo-scientific for me. I haven't found a way that works.
So it seems I'm the one stuck here.
How to proceed, I don't really know.
I love her and we both want to share our lives with each other. We don't live together and are very careful to take these kinds of steps because often people just become roommates and stuck with each other out of fear and habit. Neither of us want that.
I fear that unless I get my sexual thing in control, I will somehow mess up the relationship. Even now, I become needy and a few times I've gotten upset because she didn't want to have sex and we get into an argument. This makes me feel utterly worthless. The "chimp" inside needs sex and pleasure constantly. And clearly this is not attractive at all. It pushes her away even more and creates emotional distance between us that sometimes takes days to recover. She accuses me of "just wanting to cum" and although I lie to her that this is not so, deep inside I kind of know that she's right.
And unless we really start practising karezza, I fear things will end in disaster.
I can already see some cracks starting to show.
I could really use some advice.
We still have the book. I finished it for a second time but she never got past the first 3-4 chapters because she said the author is repeating herself too much (I don't agree). She also doesn't have as much time as me for reading. I wish she would just read the damn book! Frustrating. Maybe there's another way to re-introduce the concepts to her? I think I'm the one addicted to the porn. But she's also addicted to the "hardcore" sex, intense stimulation, dopamine, etc. She also smokes and eats a lot of junk food and is on anti-depressants. So there are definitely issues for both of us regarding this need for high-stimulation activities otherwise we get really anxious and depressed. So it's a complex situation.
I don't know what to do.
Again, some practical advice would be appreciated.
Thanks for your time and sorry for the long post. I just really wanted to share my feelings because I'm having "one of those days" again. Just stuck in this weird zombie like mode. All I want to do is smoke, drink, masturbate, eat crap and basically temporarily destroy myself. I thought I would try something new to break my cycle of destruction so I came here and wrote this.
Enjoy your day friends. Looking forward to hearing from you.
I thought I would make this public so other people might perhaps benefit from it also one day.
I'm gonna fight this thing and live up to my user name!
I have hope! I think that's a good start at least.