I really need help

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Submitted by thehuntforidawave on
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To start, I just need some place to vent. I would appreciate if someone reads this and just offers me some input:

Background: I've been trying to abstain from PMO since March, it's currently November. I've slipped up many times, but I've finally made it to 28 days of no MO so far (I quit porn around 2 months ago and don't intend to go back). I've had the typical highs and lows, but I'm really starting to get frustrated and depressed with this.

I'm 23 years old and still a virgin. I want to find the right girl before I lose it, but in today's age, it frustrates me that still being a virgin is frowned upon, and I hate how it makes me feel like less of a man. I've had some opportunities to lose my virginity, but I ultimately decided I didn't want to, because I don't understand the point of using somebody for sex. As dumb as this may sound, I'm really looking for true love; I want to find that one woman who believes in passionate romance like I do, not some bullshit one night stand or FWB kind of situation. But in this day and age, does true love even exist anymore? Or have relationship and sexual dynamics been perverted by porn and the media to the point of no return?

I know I'm a decent looking guy and I have a great personality which shines through on my good days, but why is it so hard for me to connect with women? Why do I get so anxious around them? Why do I start to judge myself, tell myself that I'm no good? I just feel like I'm too stupid to understand simple social dynamics. It also doesn't help that I've had low self-esteem since I was in about 6th grade (when I started getting picked on and coincidentally figured out what masturbation was). I've always felt like the odd kid out, and this always left me feeling pretty depressed. I've contemplated suicide on many occasions, and I hate how I still have these kinds of thoughts today. I know life isn't that bad, I've had great days as well which showed me how much life is worth living, but sometimes I'm literally in tears just wanting to end it all. I don't know if this is just part of the reboot, or if this is something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life?

I dread thinking that the rest of my life is going to be like this. I feel like if I'm never going to have a balanced neurochemistry, I might as well just end the pathetic life I have now.

This is all over the place, but these are just a few of the random thoughts I'm having.

Thanks for anyone who even cared to read.

Hey it will get better.

Hey it will get better. Slowly, but surely. I'm also 23 and have a pretty similar story to yours. What has helped me get from one day to the next is trying to always live in the present moment. It's always easy to judge ourselves and remember our past and think about how shitty it was and what could have been. But that doesn't matter because the past is only a memory. It isn't real outside of our own head. By focusing on today and actively trying to see the good in everything, anxiety, self-loathing, and hopelessness seem to go away. Think every single day that today is the best moment of your life, because it is the ONLY moment that exists. I highly recommend that you watch the movie The Secret because it touches on what I'm saying about positive thinking. All I know is what works for me. I've been there, and I'm assuring you it gets better. I'm 95 days no PMO now

This really helped me man,

This really helped me man, thank you. I've noticed that I tend to think more positively when I surround myself with like minded people, however that's tough to find nowadays due to the widespread use of porn.

Out of curiosity, how would you say your mood and confidence are now compared to when you first started?

When I first started my

When I first started my reboot, my mood and confidence instantly seemed to skyrocket. I felt great for the first month, then I hit my flatline after I relapsed and I started my reboot over. Relapsing sent me into a flatline that lasted about two months. During this time I experienced mood swings and severe depression some days. Now I am to the point where I am generally happy all the time (mood swings have gone away) and I am generally assertive and much more confident all the time now. Basically I've started sticking up for myself much more and have more "presence" when I'm around people. I have consciously made an effort to look at the positive in life instead of the negative. That has required ending relationships with friends and family members who are negative thinkers. Though it is tough, it is worthwhile. A quote I really like from the Buddha is ,""All that we are is the result of what we have thought." Just remember that your thoughts aren't dependent on your surroundings. You can still live a positive life regardless of the people around you. How we view life is our own, conscious choice. My best advice to you would be to absolutely make it clear in your mind what your goals are, do not masturbate or watch porn, and journal to keep it all straight. Remember why you are doing this and what the end goal is (a REAL relationship). If you want something, I guarantee some girl somewhere wants that too. The Secret offers answers to attaining what we want. Focus on it, believe that you can find it, and it will happen. Regardless of what you think of the movie, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose by applying its principles.

"Whether you think you can or you can't, either way you are right" -Henry Ford

"Whatever the mind of man can conceive, it can achieve." -W. Clement Stone

Also, I highly recommend

Also, I highly recommend Eckhart Tolle's books, The Power of Now and A New Earth. These books have helped my mindset greatly. I cannot express how much they have helped me in times of despair. They are all about living in the present moment. I read them like a daily devotional any time I need to get back to that "place" or present moment contentment. It took the weight of the world off my shoulders once I stopped reliving the past and focusing on the future. That's all pointless because right NOW is the only moment that can ever make us happy or at peace. And regardless of one's mood, peace is always attainable in the present moment when we realize that. I'm not trying to give you homework haha, I just really recommend these books and that movie because they were so influential for me.

No harm done, I appreciate

No harm done, I appreciate you informing me about these books because I need all the help I can get. Not to mention, sometimes we forget how important having a positive mindset really is.

I can't remember where I read this, but the quote was basically "your thoughts become actions." I never really used to pay much attention to this quote until I started to use it in my daily life. I know things are going pretty bad for me now, but I've noticed on good days when I think positive thoughts, all of that gets translated into my being. I just get along with people better, and some of the things I think of actually do happen.

I Second Ziggy's point

I also lost my virginity late, at 22, to a random stripper (for free) who offered to "fuck me" in 5 minutes, saying this in front of my friend. She turned out to be a total psycho. Literally. She did some crazy, and I mean things a crazy person would do, in broad daylight in public, and I was only happy to break it with her ASAP. I thought losing it to her did some good things, like make me more available and confident to girls. It got me laid a few times more - Woohoo! But I realize it wasn't a substantive confidence and connection you experience with women like I'm beginning to experience while quitting PMO. Also meditation and starting karezza. I think you're doing the smartest thing right now by quitting PMO. Seeing women as porn objects will never bring you true love, which trumps losing the v-card, if you lose it with somebody like a psycho stripper. Now losing it to a nice girl, maybe that's different!

I've always wondered that

I've always wondered that myself, if just going through with a ONS or a FWB would be beneficial to lose that "virginity" label, so you can move on with your life....what would your take be on that?

It's a great question

I don't know the right answer. It did give me quite a nice boost of confidence to just lose it. I don't know that it really helped me in terms of a relationship when I finally got involved in a serious one, because relationship isn't really based so much on the physical as it is in a ONS. I'm finding that just bonding with a girl and cuddling with her and treating her nicely probably goes a longer way towards happiness, just because those other things such as ONS are so fleeting.

I think it might be important to think about what's important to you. If you find it might be fine to lose the v-card to in a one-night stand or something, I don't see a problem with it. I always wanted to lose it in a relationship. Maybe without the porn, that dream would have come true. But, it didn't for me, and that's my reality. I don't know the difference because that's the reality I know. And it's in the past now, and I guess it's fine the way it is. But I do think quitting PMO would likely be helpful in getting laid, one way or another.

That's a great observation, I

That's a great observation, I think I need to step back and really define what my goals are. Maybe that's part of the problem I'm having right now.

Random thought, I've always sort of wondered if people who sleep around are truly "happy" or if they're just sleeping around to fill the void that a relationship would provide.

I thought romance was tough

when I was your age. Today is sounds really tough. The women are trying to play by the porn-hook up rules and it's not bringing out the best in them. It's certainly not good for real relationships.

Connecting with potential mates is a big deal. It's why the adolescent brain is impulsive, unrealistic and so forth. You need some of that to get you past the awkwardness. Alas, many guys are lost in cyberspace at the key time, and then have catching up to do.

What about getting involved in some activities where you can meet people more naturally? What are you interested in?

What about doing some things to regulate your mood? Meditation and exercise are two of the best. Even the research shows they help. Read more in the links under this page. ♦Solo Tools

Keep working on your own inner balance. It plays a big role in what you attract.

Sorry it's rough.

*big hug*

 

Yes, this is exactly how I

Yes, this is exactly how I view things! It's almost as if the rest of my generation is literally brainwashed into thinking true love doesn't exist, and the only way to satiate ones' self emotionally is to commit deprave acts with people you don't even care for.

You also bring up a great point, Marnia. I do think I need to get involved with more social activities...I think part of the reason I have been having trouble with women is because I never really put myself out there in the first place. I always used to shun social events because of my anxiety, but I'm starting to realize the only way to get through this is to face it and desensitize myself to the situation. An example: first time I started working out at my school gym, I had a ton of anxiety, but after going there for years, it's almost like my second home now; I've made a ton of friends through the gym just by being there and working out.

In terms of regulating my mood, I already exercise pretty much every day. I should start to throw in some meditation as well....

I think the biggest thing is that I need to make some concrete goals for myself, envision myself doing these things, and then go through with them. It's just a bit hard to do it when you feel like the only person in the world who thinks a certain way about love, life, etc.

If you don't mind me asking, what was romance/love like back in your early 20's? Would you say that society has drastically changed now compared to the past?

Hmmm....

As always, even when I was your age there was a wide range of behavior. Personally, I was a bit on the wild side but I always knew I functioned much better with a mate (when the relationship was harmonious).

There was widespread belief in the possibility of falling in love and finding a life companion. As you say, that is rapidly changing. Books like Sex At Dawn and a lot of other superficial nonsense argue that our current promiscuity "proves" humans didn't evolve to be pair bonders. That's circular.

The fact that we're managing sex such that normal pair bonding is very difficult to achieve doesn't prove the result is our natural state. It just means we're not exchanging the bonding signals our brains are looking for, and are instead imagining that wellbeing comes from casual sex. If only!

You might find these posts of interest. They'll show you how I see the situation. See what you think.

Committed Relationship: You’re Wired for It

Guys: Where Do You Fall on the Monogamy Spectrum?

I applaud

your search for true love, and your intention to keep your virginity until you find the "right girl." I agree, a one night stand would be pointless and would not be satisfying in the way that a real relationship would be.

So who "frowns on" being a virgin, and why do you care? Other guys? Why do you care what they think? (And what business do they have knowing if you are a virgin?!) Women? If a woman rejects you because you are a virgin, would that be someone you would want to be in a relationship with anyway?

My wife and I were both virgins when we got married at age 27. I don't regret waiting.

Cool response

On the flipside, I felt like a million bucks the night I got laid, even though I couldn't cum. I was on anti-depressants at the time, so I gave myself a pass. Could have been the porn too. I think this one can go both ways. It was something I really needed to get off my chest back then. In my mind, why were all my buds getting laid and I couldn't? What was wrong with me? In reality, nothing, and with a different frame of mind, I could have been like CuriousFellow, and have been totally content with waiting til marriage at a later age. My mind though, needed it for some sort of fix or ego-boost.

If it makes you feel better when you meet a chick or even a crazy, hot stripper babe with giant tits that fall out in the middle of a more classy part of NYC (the least of her problems), that might work for you. If you have the frame of mind that things will be ok until you meet the "right one", that might be your approach.

I think it might be good to see where you lie when you go through the reboot. Your ideas might evolve to something that's clear for you.

I don't know why I care so

I don't know why I care so much what other people say....scratch that, it's probably my ego getting in the way. You're right though, a true companion is someone who accepts you for who you are, not what you pretend to be.

We obviously share the same belief about casual sex; how did you deal with it when the topic came up and you were single? If you think about it, we're both going against mainstream views about sex and that's a pretty daring route to go.

ha!

Great answer, Marnia. Smile

In high school I was a geeky, socially awkward kid. It was totally obvious I wasn't getting laid - no one had to ask me! I got teased a lot by some of the other boys. My life was miserable in those days, in some ways. (In other ways my life was pretty good. I enjoyed learning science and math, doing experiments, building stuff...) I was going nuts with horniness and sexual frustration, as probably happens with most teens. I was afraid to talk to girls. I suppose it was fear of rejection. But I think I also had a strong conviction that random hook-ups were not right for me. Casual sex could relieve sexual tension for a day or so (so could my hand!), but it would do nothing for my need for long-term, loving companionship.

After high school, I hung out with other geeks, so the subject of girls and sex didn't come up very often, and not in a teasing way. I also avoided getting involved in conversations about sex, simply by being quiet when the subject came up.

On those rare occasions when someone (perhaps a well-meaning friend) asked me if I was a virgin, I would answer honestly.

If you want to start learning about relationships, what it's like to live with a woman, etc., and are not ready to have sex, consider a cuddle buddy arrangement. It can be very soothing. See Just bonding behaviors when starting a relationship