Submitted by soundheart18 on
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I have been feeling a great deal of fear in my relationship, and ever since I started reading about karezza,and other related topics, my fear has intensified. There are some things that have risen to the surface in my relationship, and these things involve my boyfriend's sexual habits. We are a somewhat new couple, and things are easy and it feels like a deep unshakable love. But I feel that he is insatiable and I feel like there is an underlying "disconnect" between us that involves sex. I have been reading numerous articles on "your brain on porn", "reuniting", and "cupids poisoned arrow", and it caused so much angst. I say this because I want to cultivate something deep and satisfying with my partner, but I fear that I will end up facing a wall I can't climb. I just feel/fear that my partner needs his Os, needs his porn, and I'm basing this on very telling experiences. For instance, we had sex the other night, I fell asleep, and not even half an hour later he goes to the bathroom to get himself off again. I wake up in the middle of this affair. He finally comes back I make a fuss because...I am not even sure why actually, and then we have sex again. And he gets off again. But this isn't the only time this has happened, and it makes me feel weird. And maybe that is more my issue than his, but it really makes it difficult for me to envision having a conversation about bonding in a different way and limiting Os to strengthen that bond. We are very much a couple that cuddles and we regularly engage in bonding behaviors,but as I said there is a feeling of disconnection at times. My partner has a great deal of issues. He is an insomniac, unmotivated, suffers from depression-until me, but it's still there, and so forth. And now I wondering if this is because of masturbation addiction or what. I feel like I'm going everywhere with this, the point is that I want him, and want us to be strong and connected in a deeper way. I want to go beyond orgasms, how do I tell him that? How do I see it for myself? I wrote inner resistance as the topic starter because I feel it within myself too. I guess I am feeling dissonance about whether this "karezza" can be the answer to harmony and togetherness in a long term relationship.

I would guess that 95 or 99%

I would guess that 95 or 99% of all guys who have reached puberty are addicted to orgasms - without even realizing that it's an addiction. Like other addictions, addiction to orgasms can negatively affect other parts of our lives, including our relationships. The guy generally feels driven to get his orgasms, may go to extraordinary lengths to get them, and if he is in a relationship, may feel entitled to get them from his partner, and feel resentful if he isn't getting as much as he wants. Meanwhile, his partner may feel overwhelmed and... used.

The Reuniting forum is full of guys who are sufficiently convinced that there are benefits to getting the addiction under control that they are actually working on it - giving up "PMO" (porn, masturbation and orgasms).

Some of us have succeeded. You can read my story at What's it like to go without orgasm?. And some of us have continued on to karezza lovemaking in our relationships. Emerson, Darryl, Sood and Treehouse are some recent posters.

Regarding the fear that you are feeling about your relationship... I think this may be a serious problem. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling fear in your relationship?!? I hope you will think carefully about this and take steps to resolve that fear.

As I said elsewhere, "some of the greatest blessings in my life are the people that I feel "safe" with; that I can "open up" to and discuss my most intimate problems with, without fear that they will abandon me, make fun of me, betray my confidence, etc." So I think it's important that you find a life partner that you feel safe with. Not just physically safe to be with, but emotionally safe to talk with.

I think your post is a wonderful, honest expression of your feelings about your relationship. I suggest that you consider showing that post to your boyfriend, along with this and any other replies you get. If he berates you for posting here (anonymously) to seek help, then he is an insensitive cad and I would advise you to run (do not walk) away from the relationship.

On the other hand, if he gives these posts some careful consideration, and he can have a discussion with you that addresses your fears, then there may be some hope for you and your relationship. I'm not saying he has to agree with my ideas about orgasm addiction, the benefits of avoiding orgasm, etc. They are, after all, pretty unconventional! I'd just ask that he give them some respectful consideration.

Wishing you well...

Welcome here!

Great post and let's talk about it.

About you. I'll assume you've had some orgasms in the last few weeks. 

What you can do is to not have orgasms, bond with him, and wait out a period of a few weeks. This will give you time to exit out of the passion cycle yourself and see things more clearly.

It's so easy to focus on the other person. Especially when we are feeling that passion cycle. And it will also be something you feel even if he's the only one who has a lot of orgasms -- it affects both of you.

And yet...it's easy and natural to want to "get somewhere" with all this, especially to get somewhere with another person over whom you have no control. It's very depressing to see your solution as someone else's problem, if you get what I'm saying. It's not true. It's only you that you have to be really concerned about because what he does is really his business. 

You can influence and this is best done by example. You can try to have longer more satisfying sex without your having an orgasm, and encourage him not to come but that's about it. 

It does sound like he has some serious issues and that perhaps if he quit masturation, porn, and orgasm for awhile, he might find a different life. But that has to come from within him.

 

Good points by Emerson

I forgot about the effects that orgasms might be having on you, SoundHeart. I think it's more common for orgasm to give rise to feelings of irritation for ones partner, leading to senseless fights over trivia. But I suppose orgasms could also give rise to feelings of fear.

So, maybe, lead by example: avoid orgasms for yourself, and see if you feel better in a few weeks.

Note that avoiding orgasm seems to alleviate my ADD, and other guys report having more energy and motivation to get stuff done, so maybe that's some more incentive for your boyfriend to try abstaining from orgasms.

I suspect your story

is the story of an entire generation, or maybe more than one. I don't see how it can be different with the influence of the supernormal stimulation of the Internet as a training tool for today's teens. The human brain was just not designed for this level of stimulation and it can push people into addiction...whereupon they never feel satisfied.

Does he notice the symptoms you observe? Here's a page with lots of the issues guys have reported: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/what-are-the-symptoms-of-excessive-porn-use

It's also inspiring to read the benefits guys report - once they returned to balance: BENEFITS  In other words, his depression, etc. may be within his power to reverse...if he's willing to do a lot of hard work.

Can you get him to watch Gary's videos on YBOP? http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ You can't make him do anything, but you can perhaps let him watch and think about the situation for himself. Guys report enjoying sex a lot more when they unhook from porn: Guys Who Gave Up Porn: On Sex and Romance

Try to avoid ultimatums for now. Give him time to express his resistance...and then make up his own mind. Good luck.

Agree on the ultimatums

Just be clear to him about what you want, expose him to the material, do all you can to improve your own life, and wait. With time, intention brings everything you ever wanted and dreamed of. Trust me!

I want to thank everyone for

I want to thank everyone for their advice. I have spoken to him about my concerns and he was very understanding and open minded to trying karezza in the future. I am really grateful for my love, and I happy to have found this site. Thanks again!

best of luck

Perhaps he isn't that fully receptive yet to Karezza which is totally understandable for at first for porn addicts. I'm married to a recovering PA and I should know. My hubby is under the GreatnessAhead program and we're also practicing Karezza at the same time. I glad I've incorporated Karezza as it really improved our intimacy and my husband, albeit the slips, has controlled his urge and his longing for our togetherness and cuddle times has intensified. If your bf has welcomed the idea initially, then it might be a great idea to talk to him again, refresh him about this and go from there. If after some time and attempts, you feel like all your efforts are getting nowhere, then perhaps it won't work between the two of you. If he loves you, he'll respect you and share that preference which will definitely give you long-term benefits than always aiming for his O.