Introduction and how I got here (long - kind of explicit)

Submitted by Cathy on
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Hi, I'm female. I just celebrated my 50th birthday a couple of months ago and will be celebrating twenty years of marriage in a couple of months. My husband and I met online through a newsgroup when people had to know how to use VAX and MS-DOS on computers and Windows wasn't quite as wide spread as today. Then, again, online dating was still in it's infancy, as well. We exchanged emails for months before we met for the first time and we talked about anything and everything from our views on raising children, one or two income households, and sex all before we ever met face to face. At the time, I was 31 and he was 35 when we met. I was not a virgin, but had been celibate for the previous five years by choice. He was a virgin when we met which I actually thought was very sweet and a big turn on.

We married and had a normal sex life while trying to have kids for the first ten years of our marriage. We managed to have three very lovely, if somewhat weird, boys. But, then, with us as parents, we expected to have equally weird children. The last eight or nine years have gone by so quickly that it seems a blur at times. Raising children and not having enough time for sex unless we actually schedule it was the norm. But we bonded. We always found five or ten minutes to kiss or cuddle or just touch each other in passing. We always kissed first thing in the morning and last thing at night. We were telling each other how much we loved the other, to the point of embarrassment for the children. Our children know that the car can't possibly start unless Mom and Dad have kissed first, each and every time.

Fast forward to last year and things changed. DH got offered an incredible job offer which we accepted after much debate. The job entailed moving from NY to FL and selling our house of almost twenty years. He had to start immediately which meant that he had to move to FL within a month while I stayed behind with the kids packing up the house and getting it ready to put on the market. We had a long distance relationship in our marriage for a year where we had a couple of visits, but relied on video chat nightly to stay connected.

Fast forward to now, we have been back in the same house since Thanksgiving and it has been difficult to get back to the closeness that we shared before the move. While the car still can't start without kisses and kisses are the first and last thing that happen in our day, our cuddling and other bonding habits have not been as easy as it was before our separation. And sex is different.

Explicit part --

Now that we are together again, our goals with sex are slightly off. I've always thought that when it came to sex that the big O was always the end goal. However, I never had orgasms during sex with any of my previous relationships unless I masturbated when I was alone. When I met DH, he rocked my world and could easily give me multiple orgasms. He still can. I have always felt as if our relationship was a little lopsided because I always had way more orgasms than he had. Although, I have been able to give him multiple orgasms through oral play. During intercourse over the years, he hasn't always had an orgasm, especially recently and I have felt somewhat guilty because I had so much pleasure and I didn't think that he had as much. He has always told me, though, that he has had immense pleasure even though he didn't always orgasm. I just never really believed him. Now that we are back together and trying to rebuild our bond, I actually decided to listen to him concerning his pleasure without orgasm. A couple of days ago DH and I had sex and while I had loads of orgasms and lots of fun, DH only had one orgasm through oral sex. He had no orgasm through actual intercourse. He said that he still had a lot of fun and enjoyed the feelings that he gets when we are physically connected. So, then I did what I always do when faced with a question I wasn't sure about. I researched. I googled "sex without orgasm" and stumbled upon Karezza.

I was floored. I actually didn't expect to find any information about sex without orgasm unless it was on a site dealing with sex dysfunctions. I thought I was going to research and find information on helping my DH have orgasms. Instead, I find that he isn't alone and that maybe I'm the one that might have to retrain my thinking on the whole nature of orgasms.

I did a lot of reading on this sight. Looked at the books. And then talked with DH because through everything we have always been able to talk about anything and everything. So, I told him what I found on this website. He had heard of sex without orgasms and being able to have sex for long periods of time, but had not actually heard of Karezza. I don't know that we believe all of the metaphysical stuff, but we thought we would try to actively have sex without an end goal.

When we were first married before the kids started arriving, we touched each other intimately all the time. I love touching his naked body and having him get erect even when we have no intention of having sex. It is definitely one of my greatest pleasures. Unfortunately, with kids in the house, it isn't something that I can do as often as I like. Before we could be passing each other going to different rooms in the house and I could kiss him and fondle his penis until he was hard and he could fondle me and we could just give each other pleasure in passing. Just a quick little bonding thing. With the kids around, we still kiss, but fondling each other is now relegated to the bedroom except on those rare occasions when we have the house to ourselves. Those fondling moments that we both enjoyed that usually never actually led to sex have been very rare even in the bedroom the last few years. Now that we are together again, we are actively spending more time in the bedroom fondling each other. The bedroom door has been closed more often the last few days. I'm sure the kids have noticed, but haven't said anything. Our oldest is thirteen and our youngest is ten so they are at an age when they definitely notice things especially if Mom and Dad are taking "naps" together in the middle of the afternoon.

The other night DH and I decided to try intercourse without having an orgasm. We weren't totally successful on my end. I don't know if we did things right, but here is what happened. We started with our usual cuddling, an activity that we have always enjoyed without sex being the end result. It didn't take long to for either of us to be ready intercourse. DH can get hard with just a touch and, since we've been back together in the same house, it seems like I am always wet and ready. We got into a scissor position with me on my back and DH beside me. He inserted his penis and we just held still for several long moments. After a few minutes, we experimented with movement and slow sex. I have to say that I'm the type of girl who really just loves the feel of having DH inside me. DH did fondle me a little with his hand and I got very turned on. Most of the time when we had to stop or slow down, it was because I was getting close to orgasm. I have to admit to having at least two.

We actually managed to keep this up for about 30 minutes, staying connected with his penis inside me. The longest we have ever stayed connected before. He never had an orgasm, but I'm sure that he was enjoying himself because we talked about it after. I, on the other hand, did have orgasms. They were small and not the earth shaking orgasms that he has intentionally given me in the past. These were small tremors that really felt great, but without all of the sore muscle stiffness and achy feeling that I usually have after sex for several days because my whole body sort of spasmed.

Something totally different happened to me as well and I'm not sure if this is normal or totally out there. I had a moment towards the end of our session when neither of us was moving. I'm not sure what the moment was, but it was like a tingling that started in my vagina and just spread outward throughout my entire body. I can't say it was really an orgasm or anything like that, but it was definitely something I had never experienced before. Every little movement made the tingling sensation intensify and spread. DH had stopped moving completely when this started and any movement that happened was totally my doing. It was incredible. I would move just a tiny bit and the tingling would spread and I would force myself not to move and then I would move involuntarily and the tingling spread. There was this little cycle of tingling spread, stop moving, move just a little involuntarily, repeat. This whole thing lasted for about ten minutes until I just couldn't take anymore and DH and I had to separate. It was a really incredible feeling that I wouldn't mind repeating.

Has this happened to any other girls before? Is this normal? Anyone have any ideas on what happened?

DH and I do plan to try again. In fact, now that we are going to try to purposefully have no orgasms, we plan to try and have sex more often. The last few years, we have been lucky if we could have actual intercourse more than once a month. Although, we have still cuddled and made time just to be with each other especially now that we are together again. Now, we plan to actually try and have it for the third time in a single week.

I would be very open to any comments and/or suggestions on what to do next. I hope I haven't violated any rules as to post length or where to post. I look forward to actually having a dialog with some of the people who's posts that I have read here.

Wow, what a great start to

Wow, what a great start to Karezza you and your husband have had!

What great material that you have to work with: lots of experience with bonding; open discussions; both open-minded and motivated to try Karezza.

I bet you and your husband must be even-keeled and warm with your sons, given your bonding history and what sounds like a mutually-satisfactory sexual life. My wife and I had neither, and I was quite irritable, especially with her, during the first 22 years of our marriage. But, Karezza has taken that edge off of me, thank goodness.

It sounds like you have rocketed past us in terms of Karezza experience; we are similar age to you (early 50s) and have been at Karezza for six months. I am most happy with it, while my wife accedes to it. She actually seems to enjoy it, but is not open to talking about 'sex.' So, I have to guess at her thoughts on Karezza based on her out-of-bed attitude and in-bed physical response. I have seen very positive changes in both these past six months.

I have enjoyed, here and there recently, what seems to be 'valley orgasm.' I am not sure if my wife has; it is off-limits to discuss such with her, kind of.

Anyway, congratulations to you and your husband on your wonderful start to Karezza!

I have to be honest and say

I have to be honest and say that my husband is much more even-keeled than I am, but I try. Of the two of us, I'm much more likely to have emotional moments especially in a household so testosterone driven. However, when I get emotional, the men in my life tend to ignore the outbursts and spoil me rotten. It is difficult to stay mad at the guys when refuse to go into fight mode. My middle son is so much more like me that it is scary enough that I try to reign in my more emotional side. I would rather all of the boys were much more like my husband.

We have always tried to treat the boys more like little grown ups than like children. Lots of bonding, touching, hugging and laughing with the boys as they grew up. (I miss that now that they are at an age when I am no longer allowed to show affection because it so isn't cool to be affectionate with Mom anymore, especially in public.) We are always available to chat about anything they want and we make sure that they know this. Even when the topic of sex comes up, which is much more often now that we are living in a household of teen/preteen boys. I would like to make sure that we raise boys that are willing to be open and discuss sex honestly with their future partners.

While I grew up in a loving household with a mother who taught me the importance of bonding with children, she was sexually repressed due to her first marriage with my biological father and I never felt comfortable discussing sex. I have no idea how I ended up so sexually unrepressed as I did and to have the good fortune to recognize my husband as the right guy for me. I knew, though, that when I got married that I wanted it to be with someone I could talk to about sex and someone who was willing to cuddle and bond even if it didn't lead to sex. Overall, I think we've had a wonderful marriage and sex life. Things in our life have changed and we just need to figure out the best way to change with it so that we can stay together. I think Karezza might be the way to go, hence our first forays into this new world.

I had to look up "valley orgasm" as I hadn't come across that term yet. I don't know if I would describe what I experienced as that. I do know I have never experienced it before. While I won't actively seek the feeling out because I want this to exploration to be relaxed, I wouldn't mind experiencing the feeling again. I don't know about the rocketing past you and your wife in the Karezza experience. From what I can tell everyone's experience is different and this thing that we did might have just been a lucky fluke. I can't say that it will be that easy the next time, but I can't wait to find out. It will be interesting to see where my husband and I are in a few months time.

Thank you for replying. It is nice reading experiences of people who are in similar situation of age and married life.

welcome here

We've been doing Karezza for several years now. I've personally experienced what you had there, but i find that when you pursue it, it doesn't happen. However, what does work is relaxation and bringing the pleasure up into your whole body and that can be done in the most amazing way for as long as you want. It works for women as well as men.

I will definitely keep this

I will definitely keep this in mind. We'll see what happens. I won't actively pursue anything. I am just enjoying the feeling of being connected with my husband again. I always though our marriage could withstand anything and never imagined that a separation like this, even though it was always supposed to be temporary, would be so detrimental. Luckily, we have always had the mindset that we would always be able to work through anything that came at us as long as we were together.

I think our experiments with Karezza will help us achieve those goals. I don't know if we will stick with it, but it is definitely where we need to be right now. Although, if our first foray into Karezza is repeatable, I can see making it a permanent lifestyle change for us. It was very enjoyable.

Thanks for sharing your adventure

feel free to start a blog (go to your member page) if you want to track your journey over time. A single thread sometimes gets too long.

It'll be very interesting to see what else you experience. Sounds like you have the perfect foundation for any kind of exploration, so I'll be especially interested if you experience benefits beyond amazing tingles. You may notice your mood evening out. If you're curious why: Women: Does Orgasm Give You A Hangover? | Reuniting

Hi Cathy!

Hi Cathy!
Welcome! It sounds like you are blessed and fortunate in your marriage and family, but I also have the sense you're enjoying something you've worked for and earned; like sowing seeds, taking time to kiss and cuddle and put each other first does cost something, but it seems you reap benefits that compound over time. (maybe?) It's beautiful how it seems to be paying off in your lives.

Maybe I'm noticing that because right now I'm working to build new bonding habits in my marriage. It's helpful to see in your story how bonding is keeping your relationship well-oiled.

As for your beautiful tingling experience, although my experiences are not identical, of course, I want to say yes, I think it's normal! Welcome to the new normal!

(Rachel - thanks for the link to your blog! I have read a few good posts of yours, but now I'll look forward to reading more about your journey.)

You're welcome~

And thank you! I haven't updated in a good long while, but my beloved and I are still floating along in bliss (going on 4+ years or so now since we started karezza)...it never gets old and it's always different and amazing. We've decided the song "Sail Away" by David Gray is a great description for how we feel when we connect...both of us just sailing away together. Sometimes we might have an orgasm and mostly we don't...but we just let what happens happen and it's all good.

I hope you continue to build the bonding in your marriage~~good luck to you both!

Yes

Comes to see me every weekend still (and his work "area" was changed so it includes my area, so sometimes we get to see each other during the week, too)...he's my number one horse buddy (a very good rider!)...we are seeing a light at the end of the tunnel as his youngest daughter graduates high school next year, so maybe? Hope so!

:-)

Thank you, Marnia~~I owe so much of our happiness to what I have learned from and through this forum...life-changing stuff here! Smile Forever and ever stuff...very grateful.