Is it too dangerous not to ejaculate??

Submitted by nericwilson on
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Hi Guys, I used to be compulsive at masturbating before and with lot of difficulty I've brought it down from doing it daily to once in 2 weeks. Recently at the beginning of this new year I took a resolution to observe strict celibacy for straight 3 months to which I failed repeatedly to keep the promise. But I started over again and right now in third week of observing celibacy. It was just today after spending some time doing a task with work colleague at office, I got the urge to wank but stopped myself at the very last second of ejaculation. Is it a dangerous practice to stop ejaculating? Did I fail myself again in observing celibacy? More over is having 4.5 inch erect size acceptable? These are the questions which are bothering me at the moment. Please help!

great questions

congrats on trying to cut down on masturbation. That's great. Do you have a partner? If you do, you can practice a lot of naked snuggling and cuddling and begin building up oxytocin which makes it very easy to cut back or eliminate masturbation over time.

It isn't dangerous to stop ejaculating. A lot of guys don't ejaculate very often. There are two ways to go about this, one can be damaging to the brain and the pleasure you get, the other is healthy.

Damaging: edging to porn. Meaning, you masturbate to porn but stop short of ejaculation and kind of keep yourself in that zone for a long time. This is very desensitizing.

Good for you: having sexual intercourse with a partner and not ejaculating. I do that all the time, as do many of us here (Karezza). It is very different than edging to porn and I feel great and have tremendous sensitivity and pleasure.

Second question - penis size

4.5 inches erect, hmmm?

Average is about 5.5 inches apparently, at least in the west. Or as Wikipedia says:

  • In a study of eighty healthy males published in the September 1996 Journal of Urology an average erect penis length of 12.9 cm (5.1 in) was measured.[5] The purpose of the study was to “provide guidelines of penile length and circumference to assist in counseling patients considering penile augmentation.” Erection was pharmacologically induced in 80 physically normal American men (varying ethnicity, average age 54). It was concluded: “Neither patient age nor size of the flaccid penis accurately predicted erectile length.”
  • A study published in the December 2000 International Journal of Impotence Research found that average erect penis length in 50 Jewish Caucasian males was 13.6 cm (5.4 in) (measured by staff).[6] Quote: "The aim of this prospective study was to identify clinical and engineering parameters of the flaccid penis for prediction of penile size during erection." Erection was pharmacologically induced in 50 Jewish Caucasian patients who had been evaluated for erectile dysfunction (average age 47±14y). Patients with penis abnormalities or whose ED could be attributed to more than one psychological origin were omitted from the study.
  • A review published in the 2007 issue of BJU International showed the average erect penis length to be 14–16 cm (5.5–6.3 in) and girth to be 12–13 cm (4.7–5.1 in). The paper compared results of twelve studies conducted on different populations in several countries. Various methods of measurements were included in the review.[9]
  • An Italian study of about 3,300 men concluded that stretched length was measured on average to about 5 inches (13 cm). In addition, a correlation between weight and height and penis length was also found. However, this was done on only 500 men and has very little correlation value.[13]

Guys always talk about penis size and usually they are very insecure. But girls usually don't. Why is that? Contemplate that. Think about that. It's really, really important.

I believe with 100% certainty that men can satisfy a woman with almost any penis size. And if the woman isn't happy with you because your penis is too small, dump her immediately. She is superficial and stupid.


Any suggestion for abstinence?

Thanks for the reply mate. I don't have a partner and I'm already 28 yrs old. After I got ditched by my girl due to small size, I approached a sex worker last year which was my first sexual experience that didn't go well with quick orgasm and then had myself filled with guilt for months. Then at start of this new year I took a resolution to remain celibate until getting married but to no avail. Usually first two weeks pass off without any difficulty but real problem starts when I spot a seducing picture that pulls my concentration and suddenly I find myself masturbating and stopping the ejaculation. Celibate means to abstain from sex in thought, word and deed. Oh well, this is such tough job!

I suggest

getting some support from other guys who are going through this. Most have moved on to one of these forums:




Everything we've learned from the men recovering is collected here:

It's very challenging to remain abstinent while you're on your own, however the key seems to be interaction with potential partners. Flirting, dating, dancing, and exchanging smiles and touch can help give you a sense of balance even before you are sexually active.

Welcome back, and congratulations on your progress!

I don't want to be sexually active

Hi Marnia, Thank you for the suggestion, will try to take part in other forums you mentioned for discussion. Meanwhile, is it absolutely necessary to interact & flirt with opposite sex(potential partners) to restore that balance as you said it? The great saints of east remained celibate through out their life and achieved liberation from all sorts of bondages on earthly plane. I guess Buddha said " the root cause of all misery is desire." And to attain the state of that nothingness is to cease oneself from having any sort of desire!

Let me stop you here.

Yes, the Buddha did say "the root cause of all misery is desire," but he never meant ALL desire, or desire in general. Can you imagine a person without any desire at all? You never grow, never learn, never learn, you might as well be dead.
What he was saying was to watch what your mind desires. Reject all thoughts that cause disturbance within your mind, as well as without. It's perfectly alright to go out there and reconnect with the opposite sex. Yes, the great saints did maintain celibacy, but they all fell at some point in their endeavors and had to start again. The path is neither one of complete rejection, nor of complete indulgence. It's somewhere in between.

I think the reason you keep on failing is because you hold such high expectations of yourself. Just my thought process here. Also, I think that you have a certain aversion to sexuality, like I used to have, and if you do, I urge you to purge that thought, and change your perspective on sexuality altogether.

So in other words, yes. To restore the balance, a partner is absolutely necessary. I can't explain why, but Marnia, I'm sure, would be able to better. Also, if this reply seems a bit disconnected, I apologize Smile

Hope Marnia explains the WHY part.

Thanks for the reply Karen! You just gave your perspective of it. As one great saint said " The impulse of lust must be turned into desire to have intercourse with Atman". To get on to path of monkhood one should take a lifetime vow of unbroken continence & chastity. One who tasted and attained spiritual bliss would never want to fall down to the bliss offered by an act of sex.

Here's my understanding

for what it's worth. I think there are different paths to the same goal of union with the Divine. This wisdom appears in many traditions. Even tantra has a "right hand" (celibate) path and a "left hand" (sexual union) path.

I feel called to take the latter, and I would say that this website is for those who also feel that way. It may be a good choice for spiritual seeker who can't retire to a monastery, given how hypesexualized the mainstream is today. The union path uses the synergy between yin and yang to create balance, where as celibate paths use meditation and selfless service to create balance. (The latter two can also help stabilize couples, of course.)

Neither is superior to the other, and, as a woman, I am deeply suspicious of the Brahman tradition that glorifies sperm and vilifies women for stealing it. How could the idea of using women for men's enlightenment not produce ugly karma? That seems obvious to me, and it's why I believe both men and women need to assist each other as they would like to be assisted. Wink

Sperm glorification?

Could you please provide the source you referred about Brahman tradition glorifying the sperm as I'm unaware of the fact. And, are you sure that unison with divine can be achieved through sexual union path? Do you know of any who achieved it? I think you must be well aware of banned Osho's teachings of this path.

Messed it up yet again! Feel like committing suicide.

I just can't understand why I made my life so complex with sexual desires. For good 3 weeks I was being celibate but suddenly out of the blue BANG! wanked 2 times watching porn in an insane fashion today. Actually I was doing fine holding the semen until I came to know that not ejaculating might result in prostate cancer. Suddenly I felt like I got the licence to let it go off not once but twice.

I feel defeated, pulled down and incompetent considering also fact that I got small size ( 4.5 - 5 inch erect). What's more worse is that I completely spoiled my professional life taking this masturbating habit and size issue to head too seriously. I'm definitely not in good psychological state. Feel like committing suicide for my inability to overcome the habit that's pulling me down for years. What's the best thing for me to do here? Shall I start over again with even more determination to meet yet another failure in near future? Or get castrated? Or better yet suicide??

You are much too hard on yourself

Watch this, and come up with a strategy:

I think your idealizing of celibacy as a path is giving you unrealistic expectations for yourself. You expect to be where saints ended up, without the hard work in the middle. Trust me, none of them had to contend with readily available Internet porn.

Also, I suspect OCD is adding to your challenge. If you think that's right, get some help. See Exposure Therapy for HOCD?

God is not judging you.

Hidden in your lines, is some exposure to a religious tradition that is heaping guilt upon your self image. Every person I know who crossed the curtain and came back has reported a smiling being who is proud of your efforts to improve. No rookie is expected to hit a grand slam.

Remember, you are entering into an effort for your own growth and development. Pleasing another being, or system of thought is only secondary.

Sometimes it takes years for a river to cut a new channel, this is what you are doing with changing the stream of energy of your libido. You have a strong force, perhaps stronger than most. This gives you potential for becoming a powerful being once you have it tamed. The gods would be sad if you squandered that potential you have been gifted with, and left the earth before you even begin to make a contribution.

The gift to your soul in this lifetime is the struggle you are dealing with now. Having patience with yourself as you develop the re-channeling of your power, will also be an eternal lesson in how you have patience with other brothers and sisters. Eventually as the decades pass you will be known as the patient gentle and very strong one.

There is an energy circulation practice given when you first feel the strong attraction of an image or another person. While doing the circulation to distribute that power to your core, state these words to yourself.
"May I use this power to LOVE, and do wise things in this world".

Three times is usually enough and within five minutes you will forget you were on the path to arousal.

Do I need counselling? Or can I handle myself?

You are absolutely right Marnia, I'm being too hard on myself & acting like one biggest enemy of my very own self. I'm 28 years old with no employment and instead of doing some kind of professional job to look after my parents, I'm lavishly wasting time in useless activities.

Today it started with watching a movie PARKER that took me to view some sex scenes of Jennifer Lopez and jerked off twice. Have I become too sensitive in controlling the urges?? Do I need some sort of counselling because more than anything else it's my bothering of dick size that makes me to relapse most of the time.

Don't know if I have even got a rut in my brain because whenever I stop masturbating for more than 2 weeks I feel like something really exciting is missing from my life. Is there any activity that brings the same pleasure and excitement as sex/masturbation??

Marnia, I've seen the video posted in your message, very good one. I need to make a strategy now and build up really strong barriers to relapse. But the OCD link (Exposure Therapy for HOCD?) you provided is not opening up on Psychology today website. Is that site still working??

The PT site seems to be working now

but you can also read the article here:

Basically, no, for you, right now, there is no activity that can replace the buzz from masturbation to erotic images. This is because you have sensitized your brain to it. For details on how this works, see: Why Do I Find Porn More Exciting Than A Partner?

But that will change (eventually) after you give masturbation to erotic images a rest. Read the stories in that article, which all came off of real forums. It will take months to restore your enthusiasm for other pleasures in life, and in the meantime you will indeed feel that something "vital" is missing from your life. It's not.

Eventually, your brain will give up on that source of thrills and look around for other pleasures. Then daily life will seem interesting again. This takes time, and the process has lots of good days and bad days.

The things that help the most to regulate mood while your brain is coming back to balance are daily exercise, time in nature, socializing, meditation, avoiding sugar/processed starches - or a combination. So make a chart, and do these things daily. Check them off. Accomplishment also gives pleasure, which will become more satisfying with time.

Understand what has happened in your brain and how to reverse it. It makes the whole transformation easier.

Finally, guys often do report increased penis size when they stop masturbating to visuals too frequently. Not sure why, but I've heard it many times.

No more excuses! Keep going and keep a sense of humor.

if it's true, then I'm glad & hope it reaches 6

Thanks for providing links that has great info about science behind addiction. I'm getting to know myself better and major problem seems that I keep running into conflicts with myself. I've been raised in culture where having girl friend and building an intimate close sort of relationship before marriage is not really encouraged. That's the reason why adopting celibate form of abstinence got into serious conflict with threads on this forum that devotes "sacred sexuality."

I have now understood that this Karezza/sacred sexuality information is aimed at married one's to improve and create strong bonding with each other. It's more suited to one's who entered Gruhastha/householder stage but not really targeted towards audience who are still in brahmacharya stage.In my cultural tradition, a person goes through four stages (Brahmacharya, Gruhastha/householder, retired, Sannyasa/renounciation) in life & I'm still a brahmachari who ought to observe strict celibacy until marriage.

Now I've got even more strongly committed to achieve a goal of observing celibacy & no PMO for 90 days. But the only way I could sidetrack/relapse is my worry over penis size. When ever I go to urinate by holding it in flaccid state (1.5 - 2), I get pissed off & make it erected (4.5 - 5) to feel better and this is where I loose it most of the time. Otherwise, I got no other addiction issues such as watching porn to be honest. Gosh, if only I had those avg 6 inches, I would have been feeling much better,confident and more manly. Does it really increase over time if I stop masturbating?? How long does it take to show the result?

This isn't a penis forum


The only way to know is to try it. It's certainly evident that you worry too much about something you can't change...although it may change itself.

Why the strict attitude now? Didn't you tell me you had a girlfriend earlier? Was that just a story you made up to worry about your penis?

I had girl friend with whom I wanted to marry desperately!

Yes, I did had g.f and as I said earlier the relation ended after she discovered my size. She was the first woman with whom I ever got close and showed myself naked but never thought the incident would give biggest shock of my life.

Before I met her, there were times when I got naked at swimming pool shower rooms staring at big flaccid sizes other people had. But it never took the issue to my head because at that time the attitude was like "It's all in their genes" you know. But when I got rejected by a woman, the issue got to my head too seriously and the whole confidence gone downward spiral to such an extent that I even thought of moving to Thailand for sex change operation. Even approached sex workers couple of times to see if they can feel and yell in pain but alas, the trails got ended in failure.

I knew I lost control over myself when I started masturbating to porn and imagining the girl in movie was screaming to my pelvic thrusts. Sadly, there's no expert Therapist/Psychologist in my country to seek consultation. I still don't know if the problem is at physical or mental level. My ex-g.f found me small because she had ecstatic prior experiences? Anyhow, I took a decision to never approach a girl again. I completely left it to my parents to find a girl and arrange the marriage. Since I already turned 28, it's just a matter of time finding a proper job and tying the knot.

Counseling might help

but so can self-help books on reframing things. Emerson probably has some suggestions. A lot of people find this technique very helpful: The Work Basically, your brain is telling you a story, which you have now eroticized so that humiliation is arousing. You need to untangle that. First step is to stop reinforcing those unfortunate feelings with orgasm.

I daresay many people have similar painful issues where a thoughtless person caused a deep wound. But you are not crippled for life. For all you know, she may believe she's "unusually large," and also feared being unable to arouse you sufficiently. This would be equally foolish, by the way. Too many of us, male or female, think sex is all about friction. I think this occurs because conventional sex actually often desensitizes us to sexual pleasure and then we need *more* stimulation.

When you fall in love next, suggest to your partner that you both study this book: Tantric Sex For Men.RICHARDSON The emphasis is on pleasurable sex without relying on tense muscles. It's about relaxation and making sex more *not* pushing the stimulation factor. Women actually feel more pleasure when they relax their genitals and rely on feelings throughout their bodies to become aroused. That's where attentive touch and great kissing come into play. I-m so happy

You can still be a *great lover* but you may have to learn a new approach, do some mental housecleaning, and regain your confidence.

How are you doing with no porn/masturbation? That can often increase confidence within a few months.

I'm very happy with God gifted body!

Thanks a lot with the links. Will work on mental cleaning for sure. I think it's not what happens to us but how we respond to what happens to us determines our destiny. I guess I made my life miserable by accepting a dis-empowering belief. I won't let her rejection to take over my mind and make myself a sufferer nor let the incident to define my fuck-ability.The slut needed a Giraffes tool and hope she's at least contented with it. I'm a man, a sports person who always known to be a fighter and have a tool long enough to fuck a woman's brains out.

I'm doing good with no PMO and into 3rd day. To me most times it was like Size-Masturbation-Orgasm.

I feel Enough is Enough! I'm very happy that God created me lucky enough to have things more than acceptable. I don't see what's more lacking & it will be my stupidity & greediness to expect things to be even more wonderful.

Thanks for the smile!

Thanks a lot for the smile, Marnia. It's all about repetition, neuro associations and keeping those neural link's alive, Isn't it? If we just stop indulging in those self defeating habitual patterns & interrupt dis-empowering belief's for long enough then those neural connections will eventually dissipate & wither away over time, right?

I guess in a way, we make our own reality to live in and God designed brain to help us get on automatic pilot. I'm feeling a lot much better now a days with renewed perspectives and beginning to enjoy life worry/tension free.

penis size...

After Karezza yesterday I asked my wife about penis size. What if you go to bed with a man for the first time and discover he has a really small penis? She said it would be somewhat disconcerting. Not fatal to the relationship, but something to get over. 

Some women are more superficial than others. 

Fact: Regardless of what we discuss here about Karezza, most women will get orgasmic stimulation from external clitoral stimulation not from penis in vagina strictly speaking. Really, any guy with a small or large penis can be just as good or bad in bed. And with Karezza it doesn't matter at all.

I am 100% certain that a man with a large penis will not satisfy a woman or himself any better than a man with an average sized penis. A guy with a small penis, maybe a little less for his partner, or maybe not. It's not a big deal (pun intended) either way, and sometimes as my wife says, it may be a bit of an obstacle.

But men never get this. They persist in thinking they are small and that it's a "big" problem (pun intended.) Women do this also of course, but over breast size and body image issues, so we are all built to feel we're inferior in some way.

I believe most of it comes from porn. We see men with big penises in porn and we feel really bad about our own penis size. That's the long and short of it (pun intended again.)

Think of all the ways we are different. Penis size is just the start. I know a guy paralyzed on one side. I know people with numerous health problems that make sex really difficult. A 20 year old I know is a morbidly obese male and his current girlfriend is morbidly obese. What is he laboring under, and how likely is he to enjoy a good healthy life until/unless he can solve that huge health problem (pun intended).



Penis size.

4.5 is only slightly small.
Your girth will increase slowly with age.
The satisfying love you will offer to a delightful lady's heart will be massive. [Just follow Marnia's gospel] Soon your libido energy will be transformed into a beguiling personality that will sweep that future beauty off her feet. You will be a gift to her, and she to you. Yes, I see it now as the two families rejoiced. Two years from now. Perfect age for the male to be at the time.
Get crackin.