karezza after infidelity

Submitted by allwillbewell on
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I would like to read comments regarding the use of karezza after discovering a long term infidelity. After 27 years of marriage where sex had become quite rare between us, my husband began an longterm affair which I discovered about a year ago. While this was devastating to me and absolutely the most painful episode of my life, we determined to try to save our marriage and rebuild our love and intimacy. We went to counciling, I read countless books on infidelity, its causes, how to overcome, etc. We have made generally good progress to rebuilding our lives together with a few setbacks here and there. I still suffer from flashbacks and obsessional thoughts now and then but am trying hard to work through the obvious problems I have with trust and forgiveness. Understandably, my husband would rather not discuss the past at all, because of his shame and remorse. Recently, I was made aware of karezza, bought CPA and found it to be extremely provocative and downright uncomfortable reading as I realized it discribed to a T what happened in our marriage, which included a lovely honeymoon period of about 2-3 years, but then how we pulled away from each other, emotionally and sexually after that and especially during the times we were sexual. It occured to me that long term affairs have the draw they do precisely because the individuals cannot meet sexually everyday so the allure stays fresh. In any event, we are now sexually active but not without problems. I don't feel my husband is as interested/passionate as he used to be early on and certainly is not as he was with his affair partner. As for me, I seem to be way more interested than I was before the affair began perhaps due to trying to prove myself desirable or for making up for lost time...in short our libidos are out of whack with each other...perhaps I should mention we are both 60 years of age give or take a year, but healthy and fit. What do you think? Could introducing karezza help or complicate(at this point) our sexual relationship? We both desire a closer intimacy sexually and emotionally but realize we have a lot of other issues going on here than simply trying a new approach. I would appreciate any input members would care to share, thanks...

I recommend this

Is your husband willing to consider this? If not then it will complicate matters but if you are, you can lead him to it by setting an example.

In any event, I will tell you that I'm in my fourth or fifth month of this journey and have been married 25+ years. We never had affairs and we were in a sexual routine that was okay for her, but not for me. So I moved us into Karezza and have realized huge benefits from it, even though my wife occasionally orgasms.

We make love almost every other day and generally our relationship has never been better. I am more devoted to her, do more for her, and both of us are in a far better place than we used to be. I emphasize we always had a good relationship, but it is so much better now, and she feels that way, too.

The recipe is simple.

The first thing you want to do is a lot of bonding behaviors. Cuddling, kissing, whether naked or just watching TV with your clothes on. Holding hands. Gazing into each other's eyes.

Do this for three weeks at least, preferably without orgasms. This builds up oxytocin and will create meaning and depth in your relationship that will be striking and even better in some ways than it was when you were in the honeymoon period.

Then you want to start non orgasmic intercourse. This takes awhile to figure out and there is a period of learning and adjustment. If he isn't into it, then you do it. Set the example and be patient.

Marnia and Gary have the exchanges. I'm sure there is great value in these. We didn't do them but I'm sure they are very useful and I can see how they fit in. So try these if you feel they will serve. It's hard to be non-orgasmic at first. It's pretty easy for me now, for some reason, because I just decided to do that, and there is a world of sensation that you don't get with an orgasm. And there are these amazing feelings I have for my wife that I want to have and maintain. Lots of reasons not to have orgasms (although I am told they can creep up on you and those are wonderful too although I have yet to experience that.)

I think this is the best thing, without a doubt, you can ever do to repair a relationship or bring the passion back.

And it lasts as long as you both live, if you want it to, just as love for a parent or a beloved pet doesn't waver. This doesn't waver either. Some days you're more into your partner than others, but always far, far more than ever before on a sustained basis.

I applaud your willingness to open your mind

Yes, biology is sneaky. Gradually, little bits and pieces of research are coming out that point to the writing on the wall. I honestly hope the key points in my book (about honeymoon neurochemistry and a postcoital neuro-endocrine cycle) will soon be common knowledge. Here's my latest: Women: Does Orgasm Give You a Hangover?

Will it help or hurt? Who knows? Any chance you could get him to read a few chapters? Usually, by the time people get to chapters 4 or 5 they recognize the truth. It can be very helpful in moving toward unconditional forgiveness of self and other. I'm sure we've all make the same mistakes...in one lifetime or another.

Karezza is a lot easier if both parties know exactly what they're doing and why.


thanks for advice

Emerson and Marnia, thanks for your speedy response, I will begin to incorporate your good advice into our relationship. As soon as I finish the book, and feel confident I understand how this works I plan to intoduce my husband to first, bonding more non-sexually and then the concept of nonorgasmic sex. I certainly feel it has merit enough to try! While the spiritual basis of karezza appeals to me more than to my husband ( I recognize my spiritual nature and find more spiritual inspiration generally than my husband), we both could relate to the scientific basis of karezza. At this time, we enjoy alot of the practices suggested spontaneously in the pursuit of rebuilding our bonds post-affair, so that is actually a good start for trying serious karezza. The trick would come from holding at bay the orgasm for both of us, since we both had equated sexual and emotional intimacy with orgasm... I also worry that all my issues concerning self worth, sexual performance, etc due to affair and what led to it could interfere with a clean attempt at karezza. I don't seem to be able to control flashbacks and the anger, pain and resentment they produce but I am working very hard at letting it go using buddhist techniques of allowing thoughts to come and go without judgement... On the other hand, perhaps my husband would appreciate less demand for "performance" based on acheiving orgasm and I can learn not to equate his love for me with the acheivement of the same. I guess the trick is to become informed, go slow, keep a sense of humor and relaxation at all times...and find the time and energy to practice bonding techniques by slipping them in throughout the day without a regimented schedule, e.g. sex at bedtime. Does this sound like a good plan?...thanks so much for the encouragement, again I am amazed and blessed by the goodness of strangers!

Sounds like a great plan

People try this for different reasons. That's why I put included in the book such a hodgepodge of information: scientific, anthropological, spiritual, etc. It's just plain intriguing that all these pieces seem to line up...at least to me.

Don't be afraid to experiment for a few weeks. Remember, you can always go back to conventional sex. It's like riding a bike...hard to forget. cheeky There can be a delightful, playful aspect to karezza, which is often very refreshing. As you say...no performance.

Just curious: When do the flashbacks occur? Think they might be related to neurochemical spikes? I've noticed that when I'm post-O my perception is occasionally "off." And it shows up in weird, subtle ways, such as restless sleep, fretting over things that do not need to be fretted over, flashes of irrational irritability (that I always find a reason for Wink ), uncomfortable dreams. Not all the time, mind you, but much more likely during a two-week period after orgasm. Fascinating, really.

Let us know how it goes for you.