Karezza and negative emotional attachement

Submitted by André on
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Hello everyone,

my name is Andre and I am from Germany. I stumbled upon karezza about two years ago when I first read Cupid's Poisened Arrow. I put the book and topic aside and only came back to it when my relationship started to crumble. Now my wife and I have even come to a point where we consider splitting up or at least live in seperate locations. Another option would be to give karezza a chance. We already had some sessions with pleasurable outcomes (a gentle tenderness has found its way back into our relationship). But I am still not sure if karezza is the way for us to go and I would like to ask you some questions to clear up my doubts.

Here they are:
1. From what I've read people seem to get very affectionate to each other when practicing karezza, which I think is a wonderful thing. But what about negative emotional attachement, like a disproportional fear of losing each other, not being able to distinguish between your own and your partner's feelings, strong clinging and consequent negative behaviours like jealousy, the wish to control, not being open to what the person is/becomes etc.? (This has been a major issue for us.) Can this be healed or at least be positively influenced by karezza? Or can negative attachements even get worse with the growing affection karezza produces?

2. If karezza has a positive influence on negative emotional attachement and behaviours, then how exactly does this happen? What is your personal experience? Is there a shift from negative to positive attachement? Is there a feeling or heightened ability of being more open to what your partner is? May clinging and true affection even eliminate each other?

3. Although karezza sounds like a very spiritual and meditative experience I only read one or two reports on how it influences your daily meditation sittings and the overall grade of awareness in other non-karezza, non-relationship related activities. In the past, meditative awareness and the commitments/obligations that came with our marriage have had some kind of antagonistic relationship. Does this change with karezza? Did you get more aware and do you feel more rooted in the present moment since you started karezza?

Thank you all very much in advance for helping me out here. And thanks to Marnia and Gary for their great work and their spreading the word.

With kind regards from Germany.

glad you are here

I've been practicing my version of Karezza for almost two years. My wife still has orgasms. I generally do not.

Our relationship was always good and we've been together for a long time. But this has changed for the better. I find her amazingly attractive and sexy and I desire her all the time. Not in a painful horny way but in a good way. There is always flirtation and a pleasant undercurrent of sexiness that was almost missing before.

I am grateful that we are so much closer and life is so much better. It is a great gift. We aren't clingy. I did go through a more needy period but that ended. It had to do with a readjustment of our sex life from porn, masturbation and sex, to just sex. In other words, focusing my sexual needs on just my wife instead of dividing them between my wife and porn. Since then, it's been tremendous.

I love the feelings I have all the time, and we are more loving to each other. I am a better husband for sure. And we don't argue (not that we did a whole lot before, but it's still much better than it was). Everything is much better.

That's my experience.


The underlying premise of

Cupid is that orgasm alters our neurochemistry via a perfectly natural post-orgasm cycle, which in turn alters our perception, and that post-orgasm fluctuations can go on for a week or two after climax.

So how do these fluctuations alter perception? Well, that depends on which cocktail of neurochemicals the fluctuations are producing at the moment. At the moment of orgasm, lovers are generally all deeply in love and feel like they'll remain so forever. But some of the fluctuations make key neurochemicals (upon which feelings of wellbeing, optimism and abundance depend) dip temporarily. Those dips sometimes create (meaningless, but potent) temporary feelings of lack, neediness, desire for isolation, scarcity, discouragement, irritability, dissatisfaction, etc.

Typically (although this can be just the opposite), men's neediness comes in the form of "need for space." They want "cave time" (and freedom from demanding mates) while they restore their mojo (return their neurochemistry and libido to baseline).

Women's post-O neurochemical neediness often shows up as a "need to remodel their mate" or get him to fill their temporary neurochemical "hole" with attention and reassurance.

You can see how this can easily drive couples apart. One partner thinks she needs her partner's attention just when her partner thinks he needs emotional distance. Both are mistaken, because all they really need is time...the time it takes to restore their brain's neurochemistry to pre-orgasm balance. That said, lovers on this forum have discovered that daily bonding behaviors - simple, generous (in the sense of "intended to comfort the other") affectionate touch, for as little as a few moments a day without any sexual performance pressure, can help ease discomfort from "orgasm hangovers."

Also keep in mind that the hangover isn't as apparent in new lovers because they are jacked up on special neurochemicals that veil the hangover and urge them to medicate it with more hot sex. Biology likes babies!

Now, you ask why the practice of karezza can strengthen attachment without increasing neediness. Perhaps you already see the answer for yourself. It's because emotional neediness and demanding behavior are a consequence of the subtle feelings of lack that come after orgasm--just as the desire to separate for a while after orgasm is a consequence of those same subtle feelings.

True attachment isn't clingy. It's synergistic. It gives both partners a deep sense of security, abundance and wholeness. (We are, after all, a pair-bonding species.) Karezza taps this synergy more effectively than sex with orgasm because it sidesteps the perception-shifting neurochemical cycle after orgasm. So the "clingy partner" has fewer feelings of lack and insecurity, and the "separating partner" has fewer feelings of annoyance and need for isolation. But they both get the benefits of intimacy.

The feelings of "security, abundance and wholeness" are the natural result of neurochemical balance. In other words, they are our birthright. When they are projected outward onto our world and our partner, they create the very opposite of both "neediness" and "desire for separation to recover." Feeling "full" inside, we see our partner as "meeting our needs" without having to do anything extra. (Our  perception is the key here, you see.) The normal requests of daily life can even feel like gifts: a chance to help the one we love. And teaming up on projects, despite very different working styles, becomes possible. There's a lightness of mood, a sense of humor and a joie de vivre that makes everything easier and less burdensome.

You seem concerned that you and your wife may separate and that karezza will have made the situation worse. I would say just the opposite. Genuine, healthy attachment now will make future dealings easier, even if separation is one of them. It will increase the trust between you, make you both less needy and demanding, and strengthen you both for whatever adjustments are needed. Hopefully, karezza will obviate the need for separation entirely.

I want to repeat what emerson said, however. It takes time to see the full gifts of a practice like karezza. For example, to the extent that one of you has been hooked on orgasm, stopping can cause lingering neediness and irritability. Most of this will pass in two weeks, but everyone is different. Some people feel the effects of a major adjustment like karezza for months. By the same token, to the extent that someone has bought into projections that her(?) partner is the source of her problems (rather than her own neurochemical fluctuations), it can take time to let go of that cherished "victim" status.

I'm very glad you asked this question Andre. It is fascinating how our neurochemistry has such great impact on our perceptions. It's even more fascinating that we may have the power, through the simple management of sex itself, to meet our sexual intimacy needs and also keep our perception of each other...adoring. In other words, disgruntled couples may not need "better" partners; they may just need mutual healed perception.

Of course, all of this is a perception game in a sense. But the point is that we're playing a perception game whether or not we use karezza--because our perceptions are so powerfully colored by our neurochemical balance.

Meditation is another practice for increasing inner balance as a way to perceive the world through balanced neurochemistry. So are practices like Qi gong. What's unique about karezza is that it allows couples who practice it (or whatever version of these principles works for them) to tap the synergy of intimate union and still experience the gifts of clearer (and even heightened) perception.

By now you can probably guess how I would answer your question about antagonism over meditation. As a couple heals their mutual perception, antagonism about most everything tends to decrease, because the couple sees things, each other, and each other's motives through "rose colored spectacles" in a sense. They aren't delusional, they just tend to want their mates to do what is required for their mate's contentment.

Was this cartoon reproduced in the German version? (I gave my copy to a German friend here to read.) It's my husband's attempt to capture the link between post-orgasm neurochemical shifts in the limbic brain and wild projections onto meaningless events.


Hello, I'm sorry for not

Hello, I'm sorry for not answering for so long. There have been some unexpected events in our relationship and we are about to move to another place. We have put Karezza on hold for a while. But your ansers have helped me a lot with making a decision for Karezza as the way worth going. Thank you very much for that.

Marnia, I have to confess that I sold CPA about a year ago as I made a strict a resolution to sell/give nearly every book I own and read away (I love to have a nice clean shelf). So unfortunately I can't verify your question. But I remember that the german CPA version is very well translated and easy to read in spite of the sometimes scientific topic.