Submitted by man123 on
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Hello everyone,

I'm new to this forum and also new to Karezza. I discovered Karezza about one month ago while I was desperately searching for a solution about premature ejaculation and the fear of experiencing it again with my new girlfriend (the love of my life!)

We are both around 35 years old.

Before I discovered Karezza I was already searching all kinds of informations and knowledge of how to improve a typical man-female-relationship and to ship around the dangerous cliffs that can occur there.

But then when I was searching about tantric techniques to improve sex I found out about Karezza - and was immedieately sold on to it.

What a relieving idea - Sex without performance pressure, without 'failure' ...a way of sex that does not bring man and woman apart but together!

The very first thing I did after the discovery of Karezza was to completely stop masturbating (after doing it since I was 12... and since that very often in my life... okay... I'm not getting younger, so in the last few years I maybe did it two or three times a week... but sometimes to pornography... which more and more disgusted me.)

I then very fast convinced my beloved girlfriend to walk this path from now on and she was right away with me on that - especially after I explained her all the terrible effects, 'normal' sex and especially orgasm has on the brain.

And we both have been there... with all the sad effects of feeling estranged to each other... now we experience a deepened love that is growing and expanding! Thanks God!

Anyway... so far we live in a distance relationship; thanks God we will move together in a few months... but at the moment we only see each other every two weeks for only a few days (pressure... always around the corner)

So, during a two week christmas holiday we started to explore the world of Karezza - after both being used to a life long of performance-driven, orgasmic sex.

I have to admit, in the first days we went always very close to the edge (after often having deep penetration for two hours or more).

My God, did my Ego like that! Finally, no more fear about coming too early... and my God did she love it! The deep, sustained penetration brought us pleasures we never experienced before.

But then... after the first week of 'successfully' having long, amazing sex it started to cause me problems... suddendly I had an ejaculation after a very short penetration. I suppose, my mind was too excited even hours before we started... and all the thoughts about having amazing sex again another night made me quite aroused... not really the idea behind Karezza... I know, I know!

So... anyway... we finished the very first two weeks quite successfully (especially when reading about some couples taking years to achieve whatever kind of Karezza experience)

So, I just came back from my beloved - we only saw each other for a longer weekend and did of course some more Karezza.
The first day was very successful and beautiful and I was amazed that I could last basically forever.

Then - again - the problem occured that suddendly the slightest stimulation of my penis caused me to almost ejaculate... and one time it happened.

The next morning I wanted to try what I read here in the forum: "Waking up together plugged in." And it was so beautiful... and this time I lasted long again. In the evening though we wanted to to another session and this was really the weirdest thing:

After slowly moving in (with lots of oil) I suddendly and like out of nowhere ejaculated. Obviously the tiniest movement of only a few milimetres deeper caused this very strong ejaculation... which was NOT an orgasm I would say. I just experienced my penis pumping the sperm out... and I have to admit that it felt nice... on the other hand I was not happy that it happened... at least she had no problem with it... and unlike many women she did not make a drama out of it. Obviously she was even fascinated that for the first time in her life she could feel how it feels when a man ejaculates.

Another thing that I experience at the moment is this very strong blockage of energy in my whole hara-region and of course my genitals... connected with an overly sensitive bladder. The whole last night I was so overcharged energetically that I could not fall asleep.

We tried to fall asleep plugged in. I put oil on my penis and entered her with a very high level of arousal. Then I tried to move as less as possible. After only a few minutes my erection went away completely. I experienced this before, so I stayed calm instead of going into much movement, caressing, kissing, touching genitals or whatever. The erection came back and I could feel my penis growing back into her vagina... only to go limp AGAIN after maybe one minute of being hard... after that we were both too tired to continue... we had to get up quite early... she fell asleep... but I was too aroused. A part of me would just have loved it to penetrate her and ejaculate inside her (I guess that's the price of having an unwanted ejaculation the day before) ... I resisted that urge... especially because this would disappoint her since we agreed to go the new way of Karezza, we both learned about all the devastating effects to the brain... and also I do not want to feel depleted, empty... depressive even.

But this whole day I felt this unbelievably strong urge to just masturbate and get this tension out of the system... but I keep up my willpower and I know this will go away.

So... so far for the experiences of a beginner. My whole life I was programmed for hot sex... I also watched porn in my life, but was mostly disgusted after a while... I never had problems with getting an erection - on the contrary... premature ejaculation was my problem... that came up in the past with different women... mostly with women who were not relaxed and very demanding and always made a big drama out of it.... which not really helped to get over with this problem.

So, yes... I am a bit traumatized with the negative experiences I made with certain women. Sometimes I feel so vulnerable and the pressure of performance (altough we now try to just be still and feel the energies) is somehow still there.

I guess I am a bit impatient and afraid of having premature ejaculations. I always thouoght it is a problem related to hot sex (and of course it was)... but now my penis feels so extremely over-sensitive... as my whole engery-system does... that I can ejaculate even after moving in slowly, with oil as lubricant... or if I don't move that the erections goes away very fast... because of the fear of ejaculating too early!

keep in mind

this isn't a straight line with progress. It always looks like this. There are no two steps forward and one backwards although it *looks* this way.

Congratulations for getting the hang of this so quickly and for your girl to get it too. That is wonderful, that you have her on board. What a great couple you two are.

It took me a good 6 or 8 months to really get the end of performance pressure. I just wasn't feeling that way for many months through Karezza. It was really hard for my brain to let go but it finally did and I really no longer truly care about performance at all.

Those ejaculations don't seem to be a problem. One thing that I do is focus on my root, the relaxation and focus on my pelvic floor, the area between testicles and anus, the root of a man's penis, where it starts. That is where I keep all my focus during lovemaking and whenever my mind wanders I bring it back. I find doing so does two things.

It prevents me from building up sexual tension and blue balls.

And it creates enormous pleasure in me and probably in her.

That "focus on yourself" is the key to successful Karezza I think. Are you doing that?

 

 

Think of a pendulum

If it has been fastened at one extreme and you let it loose, it will swing back and forth for a while before settling in the middle. I think changes to our sexual programming are very similar.

Things will settle down. I found that the best way to transition is to start with a program like the Exchanges in the back of our book. Many couples skip them, but they have the advantage of teaching your brain to take things very gently, rather than rush for the edge of orgasm.

But who knows? Maybe your approach will work out fine in the end.

It's also tough to find a balance when you're apart from each other, because reunions are so...exciting.

Thanks for sharing your experience. Let us know what you try and how it goes. Unplanned ejaculations are part of the learning curve, but as emerson says, as long as you don't "try" for them, they cause less fallout as a rule.

Did you read this article? Do You Need A Chaser After Sex?

Another Karezzanaut!

It sounds like you two will find your rhythm...

One thing I wanted to mention, though, is how much the woman can play a role in a man's "out of nowhere" ejaculations~~my beloved can go a very long time (hours) without ejaculation, but if *I* let my mind go there (thinking about having an orgasm) it can be enough to set him off with no warning (there are many times when he's not anywhere near orgasm and one can just suddenly happen if I *pull* him that way).

Something I do now that really, really helps us both avoid having an orgasm (and makes lovemaking even *more* pleasurable for us both, if that is possible!) is form the thought/word "give" when I feel my body wanting to suck him into orgasm. I think of the word "give, give, give" while also relaxing my vagina and "giving" toward him with it~~pushing toward him rather than pulling him in. A woman's orgasm usually starts with an upward-flowing tension, so this really helps release that tension. And the release of any tension increases the pleasure tenfold, IMO!

Good luck to you both!

Hi Emerson, hi Marnia,

Hi Emerson, hi Marnia,

first of all, thanks for being welcome here.

The next thing: When I am intersted in something I really go for all the informations. In the last weeks I was reading a LOT of articles on this website... and I also bought the book 'tantric sex for men' which contains a lot this webite already does.

I know I can be impatient and a perfectionist... and when it comes to Sex I always was very needy, very aroused and since some - as mentioned above - very traumatizing experiences - I am a bit over-sensitive.

So, yes, I try to focus on my perineum, my root chakra... and yes - my girlfirend is a blessing, a divine gift... what a woman!

We will see each other in more or less two weeks again... I have to admit, sometimes I am so vulnerable and afraid... especially since the experience last night... but on the other hand she is so understanding and really cool and down to earth about things. She is way more pragmatic and way less emotional than me - a very good counter-weight to my nature.

This morning we had to get up so very early... and after being not able to sleep and still being naked from the Karezza-experiment hours before I had this urge to penetrate her... well... bad idea... one second later I was barely able to hold back another ejaculation... lesson learned I guess! Don't even try to penetrate when aroused beyond measurement... I also felt a bit ashamed to just 'use' her for that... well, okay - I asked her permission and I know she would have loved it if it would have worked... at least I did not ejaculate... because this would have been too much. For her and for me!

Now... I still feel kind of strangely aroused... but now I'm getting more and more tired... the urge to masturbate goes slowly away... but yes; the chaser is kind of there... and I do not want to give in to that!

Because after two weeks (and the first two weeks in my life since I was 12 years old) I did not at all touch myself, not masturbate, not even touch my penis like I always did to fall asleep. And my beloved woman said she felt (after two weeks seperation and then having sex again) that the engergy felt more pure.

But well... then I 'lost' it again....

anyway; thanks for the encouraging words, emerson. And thanks also, Marnia.

Thanks Rachel

wow - that is indeed a very interesting point. One would always think that if an ejaculation happens it is 'only' the man losing control... what I have to add here. A day before my sudden 'out of nowhere ejaculation' I stimulated her with my hand (after feeling I should go out or else I would lose control) and she had an orgasm!

She let it happen and did not say stop... well... no harm done... but maybe there is a connection between all that!

Yes~

As you read the Richardson books, you'll learn more about how much influence a woman has upon a man's ejaculation and also his erection (it's all where you direct your thoughts!).

My sweetie has oftentimes had to say "stop" to me while making love (while laughing, of course!)~~meaning, stop thinking those thoughts! He can tell when his penis is starting to get sucked in by my body tension and my mind wandering over to orgasm. Once the flow starts going that way it's difficult to stop. The best way is to stop it before it starts going in that direction, which is why the "giving" technique helps me so much...it stops that sensation in its tracks.

It's a fascinating adventure

You'll learn all kinds of interesting things.

Also keep in mind that this is a big change for your body and brain, so there will be some "ripples" for a while. Just be patient and keep experimenting. Some of the answer is just persistence.

persistence!

True, Marnia! I should definitely let go of all my fears - and also the desires. It is truly a blessing going this new way together. And she is the first woman in my life (and this may sound hard) I can really SEE! I don't want her to be just another sex-object... and I want to be with her; come what may...so I am grateful I found out about Karezza (interestingly... long ago when I was a teenager I read about Karezza in some crappy sex magazine... but all I remember that they wrote about Karezza as a kind of weird sex-idea that is eventuall boring of course... something like that)

You’re Where I Was 10 Months Ago

Hey man just don’t beat yourself up over losing it a few times; it’s not like you are never going to have an orgasm again. Sometimes they just happen and occasionally you may want to have one again. Just kind of go with it, what happens, happens. Next time it may be your chick that goes over the edge.

My girlfriend and I live in the dorms at college. So we have dorm sex, that’s where you do it when your roommate is in class. It’s not ideal but we make it work. Your situation with the distance isn’t ideal either but you can still make Karezza work. Everybody’s Karezza experience is a little different just like everybody’s life is a little different. Don’t be discouraged if your Karezza doesn’t look like Rachel’s, Emerson’s, or Marnia’s; theirs are all different from one another too.

Karezza isn’t something to achieve or a place to go, but it is a way to get there. It is really the experience that you have with your partner—so enjoy your trip.

I am pretty goal oriented and dude these are things I struggled with in the beginning—and sometimes still do. We tried to do it “perfect” and “like other people”, that doesn’t work. I can see you are having some of the same issues, just chill you’re doing fine. Just be yourselves, knowledge comes along with the journey. Listen to Emerson, Marnia, and Rachel’s comments, my girl and I have learned a lot from them and others over the past year.

Thanks Maso

...for the encouraging words! Well, my 'chick' has way more control over herself...

and another thing... if you ejaculate as a man... well... GAME OVER... for minutes to hours...

...as a woman it is not that the vagina goes dry and ejects the penis like a pilot from an exploding figher-jet... women can go on basically forever with one orgasm after another... as a man you have to wait until the next erection goes up... and now I'm not even talking about the effects on the brain after orgasm...

It Ain’t Over ‘til it’s Over

Just because you blow your load doesn’t mean it is “game over”. Most guys just want to roll over and take a little nap afterwards—me included. When we had “conventional sex” I liked to get my girlfriend off first so I didn’t have to worry about taking care of her after I was done. But you can push through that desire to nap and pay attention to her. You have the whole rest of your body to use on her. Your hands, your mouth, tongue, legs, arms are all still available to stimulate her. If you start kissing her and stimulating her breasts she will still continue to receive pleasure. Most women don’t seem to cool off as quickly as men do so even if it takes you a little time after your orgasm to continue she will still be interested.

Karezza is a journey, take a different fork in the road and see where that one goes. Most women are used to guys rolling over and ignoring them after they shoot; imagine how happy your girlfriend will be when you continue to give her pleasure. Do that and she will know how much you care about pleasing her.

That's right, Maso...

...and I am not one of these guys who roll over and fall asleep. And definitely not since we started practising Karezza. Now, when these ejaculations happen during Karezza it feels different... and one time I did not even lose my erection!

Well, the point is still, that the penis is the most important 'instrument' for this kind of lovemaking. Would it just be about giving each other orgasms... well, sure... I have hands... and a tongue...

And oh, yes... the most important thing: I don't feel estranged to her anymore... on the contrary... my Love for her is growing and expanding, which is - as strange as it seems - so unusual... since I was used to the feeling of sadness and emptyness after sex my whole life.... this weird 'I want to go now, watch a movie alone, eat a lot of fat and sugar and have sex in a few hours again' feeling... never again!!! It sucks!!!

In a strange way, most people these days are used to feel estranged to each other after (conventional) sex... nothing I have to explain here... I learned that fact myself more or less one month ago.

you can judge everything

by how you feel afterwards.

If you feel good, and with loving feelings, then it's been wonderful.

I usually feel this way after sex but I didn't used to.

We had kind of "hot sex" the other day, and I didn't feel good afterwards. 

Today, cooler and more sublime and I wasn't trying to get her off, and I felt really good after.

All I can say

All I can say is how fortunate you are to be learning this at such a young age!

And it's lovely to finally leave behind that "I did you and now you have to do me" mentality (the whole "You owe me an orgasm" way of thinking). That "routine" sets people up for resentment toward one another (as if the orgasm is something to which they are entitled). Once you leave that way of thinking behind (which is *not* thinking in the present moment~~it's an expectation, which is, by definition, the future), you can just enjoy each other and tear up the scorecard.

We never beat ourselves up over unintentional orgasms~~if they come we let them come and enjoy them. And as you have noticed, they don't carry with them the after-effects of those that are brought on through the mind (the anticipating kind).

I can remember in the early days of our relationship when we were still practicing conventional sex and after his ejaculation he would literally fling himself over to the other side of the bed and go into a stupor, lol. Now if they happen, we are entwined so tightly you could not pry us apart with a crowbar. And *I* feel the energy flowing through me and receive some sort of light-filled energy from his orgasms as he does mine.

But we are both getting better and better at letting that orgasm moment subside...and then it turns into something even more beautiful which I don't think words can describe. Practice really does make perfect and our lovemaking is ever-evolving and ever-changing. For us, we don't think in terms of *not* doing something, but in terms of saying yes to the moment and really being there with each other. Lovemaking is not a chore, not a duty, not a routine~~it's time we crave so we can be together that closely and it balances us and makes us better human beings.

The Quid Pro Quo of Sex

Rachel you bring up a really good point, sex very often becomes a quid pro quo. My roommate doesn’t like going down on a girl but he gladly does it if he gets a blow job out of it. His is definitely the "I did you and now you have to do me" philosophy. He isn’t a bad guy either, actually he’s a great guy and he doesn’t have a hard time finding a girl to hookup with. But he is not in a relationship with anyone in particular which I think adds to the philosophy.

Guys are told that if the girl doesn’t get off during sex, it’s our fault. It really seems that we have the burden of the girl’s pleasure, usually meaning orgasm. If you want to get some the next time you better make sure she gets hers this time. I think that mainstream thought really helps to engrain the “you do me I do you” sort of idea. That may be the best thing about Karezza, now the guy can’t be blamed for not giving the girl an orgasm—I am only being a little facetious about it being the best part of Karezza.

When we are together I want to make sure that my girlfriend enjoys herself, not because of a quid pro quo, but because I love her. Making her feel good makes me feel good. Being more “process oriented” than “goal oriented”, I think makes Karezza less trading favors and more working together.

Process oriented

Yes, that is what I love about it...we never once go into a lovemaking session thinking about whether one or the other of us is going to have an orgasm...it's just not part of the process. We let the process take it where it wants us to go and leave the decisions to our bodies, not our minds.

And there is no longer the feeling of "dissatisfaction" I remember I used to get if I "didn't get mine" (back in my younger days). I remember how much ill will that could harbor and looking back at it, how ridiculous it was to be that way! All of that is mind/thought-generated. At that point you are no longer living inside your body, but inside your head.

Sex is about being inside your body and feeling all the wonderful things that happen when we completely relax and join together with our beloved~~and a person can either let the energy flow freely or not. But the experience you have is *your* responsibility, not your partner's.