A lesbian with porn addiction/HOCD back years later on this site... Help me.

Submitted by QuestionSeeker34 on
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I resorted to this site over a year ago when I first realized I had a problem with porn.
I have been an avid porn watcher since I was around 8 or younger. I don't know the reasoning behind it. I'm not sure if I was molested or what, but I have always had sort of a "penis" fetish even though I felt as if I was a boy growing up. I am a lesbian, and although I'm a feminine lesbian, when I was younger, I was convinced I was a boy. Maybe I saw the penis as the only thing stopping me from being a boy, so I sort of envied it, and in turn, it gave me a fetish and/or attraction to it.

I have never questioned my orientation inside despite being in a strongly religious household. I am still not "out" but I have been with my girlfriend for years and years.
The only thing that ever confused me was about why I liked straight porn and or was attracted to the penis in porn, but not men in general. I could see men as aesthetically pleasing, but not as romantically. And if I ever thought of them sexually, it wasn't them... It was the penis itself, alone. Not their face, their bodies, or anything other than the penis, which stems from some penis fetish I obviously have/had.
Why I have the fetish since I've been about 6 or 7, I have no idea.

I realized I had a big problem with porn once I started college. My hunts for porn became longer, I used it as a destresser, and so on. It was when i began making excuses about not hanging out with people to watch porn that i realized I had to stop. So I ventured here, and began my reboot.

Upon reboot, I went to the store one day and immediate sexual thoughts about any and all males in the store kept popping up in my head. Old, young, anyone, I freaked out. I didn't know what was happening, because that wasn't me at all. Then I came online and searched and searched and discovered what HOCD was. It made sense to me that I obviously had ocd for all my life and never realized it.

As I tried to reboot, my HOCD became worse. "Straight thoughts" for me as a lesbian, were scary.
I realized that when I'd mess up and watch porn, after orgasm, my hocd would go away and i felt very gay again.

For a day or two. Then it all happened again and the hocd cycle would start over. Almost like it was wanting to make me wander back to porn to get rid of it.

I think my longest reboot was about 2 and a half months which isn't good. In between there, I still probably had occasional orgasms with my girlfriend which i shouldnt have because of the reboot. Since i was so severe with my addiction, i probbaly need a super long reboot.

I am back to this site because i am still not better.
I have been having more frequent mess ups, and i can't get past 2 weeks of not messing up at most. I usually get stresssed or hocd makes me so depressed that i resort to porn.

I have developed a new "compulsion" as well.
Marnia, I know you are the leader on this site. Please tell me if this sounds like it could be HOCD linked or what.

I tried picturing myself as the girl in porn by vaginally masturbating with objects, which before when i used to come to the site, when i'd test, i would picture myself as the girl but i'd masturbate clitorally so my rationale was oh, i masturbated that way, that's why i got off, not because i like it.

However, when i am masturbating vaginally with objects and picturing myself in the girls position, i get very turned on, and can orgasm vaginally. I have never been able to orgasm vaginally in the past at all. But with this testing, i can get off doing it while picturing myself as the girl in porn or if i have a fantasy of say, being a porn star, and being filmed getting sexed by a man.

This is not me at all.
Why is this suddenly arousing? It is like rather than HOCD now, When i am stressed, porn and/or vaginally masturbating and imagining myself in a porn scenario or anything with a penis (which obviously has been something that has been a main focus of porn and sexual cues for so long) is arousing.

I don't believe i just turned straight or am just discovering bisexuality or any of that.

Is it possible to have hocd ,porn addiction, and then develop a certain "fetish" and "compulsion" that almost compliments what your HOCD is telling you to counteract it or something?

If it's any note, when i finish, i want to cry. I feel disgusted. I feel like "Who just did that? That is not you. " I know you can make yourself orgasm through any means, but why is the thought of some object in me being a man suddenly arousing when i am not straight or bisexual?

Have you ever heard of this? Is this a compulsion starting up?
I wonder if any guys with HOCD have stuck any objects in themselvees anally as sort of a "test" and liked it and it became a new compulsion.

Do you think trying no orgasm in any way and sticking to it will make things more clear?

I felt as if i had gotten so much better even though i only went about 2 months with no orgasm and all. I started to feel like myself again.
Then when i started messing up more frequent, and now gravitated towards masturbating with objects and things, it's like a whole new compulsion and my HOCD has increased due to that new compulsion. As in, how could you think about an object being in you, and it being a man and love it and get off to it? HA see it's not hocd.

That's what my mind keeps telling me even though the true half of me says differently.

I keep trying to do a new reboot and end up messing up.

My mind causes my concentration to be thrown off if i don't test, or watch porn, and i end up not being able to study or anything else.
I feel moody, and i lose patience.

What am I?

Please help me, especially Marnia...

I wrote you privately

OCD is such a miserable situation...always doubting...always desperately seeking certainty that can't be found.

The only good news is that therapists are finally starting to wise up. Most now see their job as supporting you in helping you be you, whoever that is. Is there a way you could get some therapy? You could take this article to help orient the counselor, if you don't think they know much about this phenomenon. 'Homosexual OCD': Straight Men Who Suspect They Are Gay

A good counselor can help you separate the fetish from your underlying orientation. But staying off porn will help a lot.

*big hug*