My masturbation addiction story, please I need help

Submitted by Jake81 on
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Before sharing my story, I must warn that what you are about to hear will be very strange, and it's unlikely you have ever heard a similar story, as I truly believe I am the only one in the world who has had this type of experience. I don't really expect anyone to be able to help me out, but I figure this site is my best option.

Many on this site are addicted to masturbating to porn. Me, I was addicted to masturbating, but have actually never masturbated to porn in my life. My addiction was really strange. You see, my first orgasm came when I was losing at a video game. I was about 12 at that time, and gaming was a big part of my life and I hated losing. It made me angry and stressed. I was losing at this football game and suddenly, I felt an orgasm for the first time. Weird right? My best understanding of this is that I orgasm-ed as a reaction to the stress/anger that was caused by losing, as afterwards I was no longer angry, it felt good. This would prove to be a very harmful experience as from that day, I began masturbating almost daily and it became an addiction. Now I hear it is very normal for people at that age to masturbate frequently when they discover it, the problem is I masturbated to something that was completely non sexual. After my first orgasm, I wanted to experience that feeling more and more. So what did I do? I fantasized about scenarios that would leave me stressed/angry, because that was how I first orgasmed. I was able to masturbate by imagining losing at games, in a way I became addicted to stress. Now here is what makes me sure that my addiction was to stress/anger. When I would lose games to males that were older than me, I would not get horny. I figure that had to to do with me not getting upset if I lose to someone older. However, if I lost to anyone (even a male) younger than me, I would get so horny, this is because losing to someone younger than me caused me a great deal of negative emotion. Furthermore, losing a game to any girl would get me the most horny, as you guys might understand, male kids hate losing to girls. This is the best way I can explain why my "sexual" fantasies involved me losing at games that I did not want to lose. This would turn out to be a real problem, I would go to online game rooms and purposely challenge younger girls to games and purposely lose, so I can fulfill these crazy "fantasies", as I kid I did not have the mental capacity to understand that I was addicted to stressful situations. This really messed me up, I turned more and more inwards over the years, becoming less confident and social. Now I no longer masturbate to these kind of messed up fantasies, but I fear my perception of sex is forever destroyed.

For a couple months I have been trying to quit masturbation, with some relapses. When I do masturbate these days, it is no longer to "losing games" anymore, but I still do not fantasize about actual sex with a girl. What turns me on now is watching girls dominate guys in wrestling. IMO, this is a little better than my previous "losing at games" fantasies, but of course I am still not normal. Today was day 12 of no masturbating for me, but I had a wet dream, which was me getting dominated by girl in wrestling, which really disturbed me, how can I get my brain to be wired correctly when I've never had sex, my brain's "sexual part" is so messed up from that early experience.

good going so far

you are innocent of wrongdoing. You just got into a situation that you innocently stumbled into and it isn't your fault.

I think you are doing great so far. You are headed in the right direction.

I want to tell you, for sure, that this can change. The brain rewires itself. It isn't an overnight experience but it doesn't take years and years either.

Stay here, post as often as you can, and keep at the no masturbation no porn and no anger/stress-to-orgasm diet. You'll become a healthy and normal person before long.


It's really amazing

how plastic our brains are...and how enthusiastic they are about sex during our pubescent/teen years....and how carefully they wire up ALL cues associated with those explosive orgasms.

It's all just fine until we wire to something that is a little different than the usual...and then it's a nuisance getting rid of the associations.

Did you read this article? It kind of lays out the whole brain plasticity thing.

You might find this chapter from The Brain That Changes Itself interesting too.

In any case, it sounds like you're on the right track. Maybe try to limit masturbation for a bit and when you must do it, focus on sensations alone...without running your "favorite" (but unwanted) scenarios. It'll be tough, because at first the orgasms won't feel as "explosive." If you don't feed those associations with the "reward" of orgasm, however, they eventually fade and your brain goes looking elsewhere for its jollies.

But be patient, and don't worry about the occasional flashback or dream. This takes time and a sense of humor.

Let us know how it goes and thanks for sharing your story.