My solo practice (female) - WARNING: CONTAINS TRIGGERS

Submitted by Proverbs31.30 on
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Hi there,

I have the impression that all the posters under this topic are male. Well, there are also a lot of women who regularly engage in "solo practice", and I've been one of these.

It has been a long struggle for me with masturbation. After I have become a Christian at age 18, I didn't stop it completely. It's really a long story. I'm already 40 by now and I have still not completely overcome this habit. I must add that I'm still not married (even though I've been really longing for a god-fearing partner) and my hunger for sexual intimacy is tremendous- to say the least.

Especially this time of the year is quite hard for me. It seems that late summer/early fall is the time of the year when people most like to have sex. To my knowledge, this season has an influence on the hormones.

Well, as mentioned already, it has been a loooong struggle for me, and I could write a whole book chapter on this, but I would like to focus on "Karezza" here.

Of course, once I found out that I can stimulate myself to orgasm (at age 14 or so), I have always wanted to achieve it - in various ways, but mainly digitally. I also tried other ways, like humping pillows, and I even discoverd the shower head at some point. About three years ago, I even purchased a vibrator to give me more pleasure. But at some point, I really got ashamed for using this plastic penis to stimulate myself, and so I threw it away. Of course it was a "better" option than using a cucumber or something that is not designed for giving sexual pleasure, but I realized that this is not the way God had intended sex.

I'm still convinced that self-pleasure is not in God's plan. Especially lately, I have realized that you actually have to fulfill two incompatible roles while masturbating: You are the giver and the receiver at the same time - and this just doesn't make any sense at all!

Thus, in the past months, I have felt more and more uncomfortable to lay hands on myself. In fact, I have also experienced quite painful orgasms, especially while digitally stimulating my clitoris. But lately, I have also experienced pain by indirect stimulation, i. e. humping a pillow. Thus, I have become reluctant manipulating myself to orgasm. In fact, I do like the "good feeling" very much while stroking my vagina, putting my fingers into this wet entrance, and of course caressing my breasts and even sucking my nipples. Oh my, I apologize for my detailed description - I hope this doesn't offend anybody here! But my struggle is so real, and I'm longing sooo much to experience this with my husband one day!

Anyway, I was wondering if I could do Karezza on my own (after first reading about it yesterday evening), and so I tried it this morning - but it didn't work out. I just wanted to cuddle up in my bed. I took a hot water bottle with me, undressed myself, and I "hugged" my big pillow. As usual, it felt good to "hug" at least something, because hugging myself is not fun at all (for the above reasons). And of course I also straddled the pillow between my legs and knees while moving rhythmically. Admittedly, I also fantasized a little bit how wonderful this would be with my husband. Anyway, I got aroused in the process. I removed the pillow from my body and noticed that I was juicing. And so I wanted to cum! So I did it rather quickly by sitmulating my clitoris again. In the process, I also put my fingers into my vagina, but it didn't go fast enough. And so I cummed - and as usual really enjoyed the relaxing feeling afterwards.

Well, that's my confession. I don't know at the moment what to do. To be honest, I can't wait to get home from work to do it again.

Do you think it's justified to do Karezza as kind of a therapy? I have had two kind of serious relationships before I got baptized into my church. The first guy, the one who took my virginity, raped me most of the time (he only wanted to get rid of his sperm), and with the second one, I did phone sex and also some real sex, but the latter without any pleasure.

My last sexual encounter is about 17 years ago (in between, I only had one online affair), and of course my hunger is tremendous. I can't wait to lie in the arms of my future husband, but of course I have to build that relationship first. But I also need to heal before I can enter into a marital relationship, so I'm wondering if it would be justified for a Christian to do some of these practices on their own - just for "therapy". I would appreciate the views of other Christians of course!

Masturbation and Christianity

I am a Christian and I have no issues with masturbation on religious grounds. Honestly, I do not think God cares one way of the other if you masturbate.

However, frequent masturbation (like anything else that is done compulsively) is an indicator of imballance in your life. Most people have one or two things that they can rely on to make them feel good. Some people smoke, some people eat sweets, some people drink, some people gamble, and some people have sex or masturbate in order to relieve stress and get a temporary shot of dopamine.

You seem to be using your sexuality to self-medicate. I believe that is the source of your discomfort here. On a deep level you know that masturbation was not intended to be used that way. Frequent masturbation depolarizes a person and therefore reduces the chances of them finding the kind of relationship that would actually be satisfying in a long-term way.

I would suggest the following.

First off all, do not beat yourself up for the fact that you love masturbating. I love it too :)

However, you do not want it to be a compulsive habit, so it is probably best to start cutting back. When you feel the urgent need to masturbate, try finding a quiet place to sit and instead of masturbating think about the kind of relationship you want to have with a man. Tell yourself what you want him to be like. This needs to come from within you, so use your own words, but you could say things like this:

"Let me find a man who will love and honor me as a woman. Let me find a man who will be patient and gentle with me. A man who will enter me with masculine grace and power, but never forcefully. Let me find true and authentic love."

You obviously have an abundance of sexual energy and that is great. Sexual energy is creative energy. Start using it to help you create the life that you want. After you have visualized the kind of intimacy that you want, ask your sexual energy to help you bring it into reality.

If you still want to masturbate after that then go ahead, but you will probably find that after ten or twenty minutes of relaxed visualization the urge to masturbate will have decreased quite a bit. The energy was used in other ways that are more likely to lead you toward what you really want (a flesh and blood partner for your karezza).

No amount of masturbation will ever be as satisfying as a real connection with another person. Focus your energy on what you actually want so that you can create it more easily. Energy flows where attention goes. Focus on masturbation and that is what you will get more of. Focus on a relationship and the odds of getting THAT will increase dramatically.

One more note on God and sex

I would like to add one more note on God and sex.

As I said above, I do not think God really cares if people masturbate or not. However, he probably does not like to see people wasting their potential, turning in endless circles either.

You need to reduce your masturbation, but NOT because God will be angry if you don't. God will love you no matter what you do. God loves all of his children unconditionally.

The real reason you need to reduce your masturbation is so that your abundant sexual energy can be directed in more creative and expansive ways.

Masturbation and Christianity

Hello Louie,

Thank you for your very insightful posts. Indeed, masturbation, as well as food, are the things that I've been using to medicate myself. Sometimes, it's more masturbation, sometimes it's more food, but it's usually one of the two - otherwise I think I would feel somehow imbalanced. But with both things, I found that getting involved in ministry for the Kingdom of God helps to distract myself in a positive way.

Indeed, God loves His children unconditionally, but if we know that something is sin, we should despise it and turn away from it - and the Lord will certainly help me to let it go. But of course we have to be willing, and not continue to cherish this sin. No, I'm not beating myself up with the fact that I have a problem to really let go masturbation once and for all. I know that my God is much more patient that I am, and that there is no sin that cannot be forgiven if it's really repented.

Anyway, I really liked your tip to channel my sexual energy elsewhere. The thing is that I usually end up masturbating anyway - even if I try to distract myself with other things. Just this evening, I allowed it to happen again.

I came home from work and felt worn out. I had the feeling I really needed "it" again in order to relax. But I then decided to take a bath first. When I was laying in the bath tub, I started playing with my breasts and thighs; and I imagined how wonderful it would be if my (future) husband would be there and do that with me, or even sit in the tub with me! Then I started playing with the shower head. I have a water-saving shower head, and the stream is not very strong. Thus, it only gave me a very slight feeling of satisfaction on my clitoris. Then I decided to get out of the tub, dried myself quickly and went into my bedroom. Before that, I dressed myself in sexy underwear - that kind of underwear I would like to seduce my husband with one day. Then I started touching and caressing myself, and I had that bright idea to watch a clip on YouTube, where you can see the face of a young woman who is pleasing herself. This has really turned me on in the past, but fortunately, I couldn't find it at the first try. Then I found this French song "Je t'aime", which is quite a famous one. There were also pictures, but no pornographic ones. It's basically a woman and a man having sex in that song, and at the end she tells him to cum and then she cums herself (she is singing all this). I repeated the song over and over again while I was doing Karezza on myself. Indeed, I managed several times to give myself pleasure without cumming. I did that by changing positions: In the beginning, when I felt like I needed more stimulation, I lay on my back with my legs spread, pushing up my shirt and pulling down my panties. Thus I could stimulate not only my vagina and clitoris, but also my very erected breasts. Whenever the stimulation on my clit was too strong, I would focus with my fingers on my vagina, by just pushing them inside. It really felt good and I was lubricating quite a bit, but when I felt it was going to far, I would just change the position - like turning around into doggy pose and imagine my husband would take me from behind. Then I straddled the pillow again, which really excited me. I humped it, but it didn't work out properly (in the past, I have often had orgasmic experiences by just straddling the pillow). Being not satisfied enough, I turned on my back to do the same procedure again. It was a very exciting experience - I smiled a lot and I also did some "dirty talking" to my imaginative husband. But then I allowed the voice on YouTube plus my excitement to finally reach orgasm by digitally stimulating my clitoris.

Well, and all of a sudden I felt so bad. What have I done again? With what have a wasted my time again? Yes indeed, I'm wasting my potential here - and I should really channel it in the right direction!

Please pray for me that I may overcome - for the sake of my usefulness for the Lord, and also in order to keep myself pure for my future husband!

guilt hurts your natural abilities

it has been proven that feeing guilty and remorseful actually makes you want to pursue a behavior more intensely.

I'm not sure why you are so against masturbation.

But if you want to not masturbate, it's better to realize "I'm human, it feels good, it's natural" and not beat yourself up over it. Then you can turn it into a great solo cultivation practice, as you are doing, and feel good about it. And, you are more likely to attract good things in your life, such as a guy who loves you, if you aren't feeling guilty and bad about yourself.

You sound awesome actually.

What about experimenting

with some of these techniques for circulating your sexual energy so it helps you "glow" and attract a mate?

See:

Sexual Energy and the Single Woman

Energy Circulation Practices

You might also enjoy this excerpt from a book that's now a century old. The person answering her was a woman doctor named Alice Bunker Stockham. http://www.reuniting.info/resources/porn_masturbation_addiction/stockham...

Being a Christian and self-pleasure

Thank you for your message Emerson (and thank you also for marking my post. I think this is a good solution to warn those who don't feel they can take such explicit contributions - I only hope that nobody was tempted to read it anyway who might have gotten into trouble because of my writing. If yes, I'm really sorry!

From a secular point of view, I can fully agree with you Emerson. Yes, I'm human, it feels good, it's a natural desire, and so on. However, it's not in God's orginal plan that people make sex with themselves. Masturbation is indeed a mono-sexual act. Of course one can debate whether it could be used to release pressure (especially for males), but question is also whether we cannot channel those energies into other directions (thank you Marnia for this great link! Indeed, I have experienced in the past that I can really distract myself from thinking about getting the pleasure by laying hands on myself).

The problem with self-pleasure is also that it only satisfies for a little while, and then the desire is even stronger. I've read some very interesting things in the book "She has a Secret" by D. Weiss. Indeed, there IS a difference between love-making between two people and "love-making" to yourself. It has something to do with hormones. There is one hormone, I think it's oxytocine, which is released much more if you have real sex with your mate. During solo-sex, it is by far not released as abundantly. Thus, we become addictive. I learned from a male accountability partner, that whenever he did "it" with a prostitute, he didn't need another orgasm for several days. But whenever he laid hands on himself, he often did it several times per day. And I have experienced the same.

In fact, I did it again this morning. This time, I'm not going to relate all the details; however it happened according to the same pattern like on Thursday. Yes, on Friday, by God's grace I was able to resist. Well, I was quite busy, so that helped.

Right now, I'm laying on my sofa and I could do it again - in principle. But I know that I don't really NEED it. It's just a DESIRE, not a need! Thus, I'm going to focus on other things now - especially on preparing a Skype conversation with a very good male friend that I'm going to have tomorrow :-).

Blessings to you all!

Pick up a copy of CPA

Seeing as you are all fired up about this, you may as well go right ahead and read Marnias book. Its the baseline for everything here. If like me youll probably need to read it a couple of times, but everything will click into place.

Good article

Thank you for the link Marnia. Now I remember it's the prolactin that would make the difference if I had real sexual intercourse instead of "intercourse with myself".

I only don't agree with the very last paragraph, since I don't believe in evolution. Otherwise I think the article is really helpful, as there are is so few information like this around.

sure, I can't argue

I wrote this post about masturbation.

My point is, that it may not be a great thing to do for some, but the guilt and shame actually make it harder to resist.

I love to eat chocolate, but it's bad for me. So I eat it sparingly and celebrate when I do eat it. Guilt and shame would probably make me obsess over chocolate.