I started viewing porn mags from the age of 14, when I came upon a stash. It was a every-night thing for a while, until the age of 18, when I left for uni. Weirdly, there was so much going on around at that time that I spent four years without looking at much porn at all. Got into relationships after that, and it continued rolling up until I was late twenties.
The problems began then -- since the high speed internet allowed for porn videos and chatrooms. Weirdly enough, I have always had a huge number of other interests in life - traveling (I have traveled half the world), reading, films (seen more films that almost anyone I know), and so on… So even though I was regularly doing the PMO cycle, I was almost always using my brain for a number of other things. Never obsessed about it.
I got into a relationship eight years ago, and that rocked for first 5 years --- problems started after that. We were long-distance, because of her job, and the isolation and lack of closeness drove me back into PMO big time. I also discovered that interactive video chat was a massive high. So it went for a year or so.
After that, when we were back in the same place again, I realised that I had deeply screwed up my brain. I had lost all confidence and my personal attraction had diminished drastically. I could feel that because I was a really confident and social person before, and that all had started disappearing. It also, needless to say, affected our relationship (though she had started complaining about lowering of intimacy even before the problem started). I didn't get aroused anymore by anything at all as well. Which sucked big time.
I wanted to restore my brain --- because without it, everything was gonna go haywire.
Then one day, I discovered YBP and this forum -- and thank GOD I did --- went through a lot of stories, and decided to go on my own recovery route. I went for months without PMO --- and it was all good, when couple of nights of alcohol led me to binge. And there, I could feel the urges coming back. I stopped again, and then suddenly I would relapse again out of the blue.
Over last few months, I have completely changed my life around --- I exercise very regularly, I am focussing on a number of creative endeavours, and I have been traveling frequently. Yet, the damn thing keeps coming back once in a while.
I think I have an impulsive personality in general -- its this impulsive nature that's helped me in a number of other areas in life --- I do things in whatever sphere I get into and I achieve results. But its this exact impulsive nature that's harming me big time in restoring my brain again completely.
I really want to feel exactly how I used to feel back when I was younger --- sensitive to the world and other sex, being able to channelize my energy into proper endeavours than spending any time on video etc. I know I am well on my way to recovery, but I need to stop straying completely forever.
I also think that the desensitization of the brain has not only to do with just porn, but technology overuse in general --- it distances us from nature and removes us from our creative selves (unless we are using it as a tool to creative endeavors).
On that note, I wanted to share something that's really helped me --- I was getting more and more unhealthy, when I started a routine called M-100s, and Spartacus workout. Check them out on youtube --- for guys trying to recover, I would highly recommend exercising to one of those every alternate day morning. It enhances will power and takes away any wish to stray. In fact, the only days where I have strayed have been the days I didn't exercise.
Anyway, I just wanted share my story and to thank everyone here for everything you all have done for me.