New Karezza Converts, Seeking advice about relapse/exchanges etc. Help!

Submitted by gingerlilly on
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To begin, I'd just like to say how grateful I am for this site. My boyfriend and I started our relationship in Febuary, and it seemed like a romance fit for a novel, it was all starry eyes and future plans. However, we live about an hour apart and we only see each other on the weekends, so (being the adolecents that we are) things would usually get pretty heated after days of not seeing each other. About six months into the relationship, I felt something was wrong; there was a growing distance between us, we were bickering and often moody with each other, and although I tried to recaim his affection through pleasing him in bed, the luster seemed to have completely dissipated like a smoke cloud. I felt hurt that someone who claimed to love me would treat me so. After doing some research and reading a few chapters from the book 'Peace Between The Sheets' everything started to make sense. I was nervous to approach my partner with this idea of ditching goal orientated sex/telling him the truth about how I've been feeling. Finally, last night I had the courage to do so and it went surprisingly well. He listened to what I had to say with an open mind, was not defensive, but rather apologetic and eager to try the alternative.

Now there is a new obstacle, which is why I am posting this forum; because we live apart most of the week, we are unsure of how to go about the exchanges. From what I know, couples are supposed to spend everynight together, and if separated must start all over again. We are already quite affectionate and our relationship is completely honest and open so we thought that we could even delve Into karezza intercourse imediately (this happened last night and felt completely natural/beautiful) but I'm afraid of relapse into conventional sex without first strengthening our minds. My partner is also afraid of accidental dream orgasms when separated from me.

If anyone has any information from personal experience, it would be greatly appreciated! We are only just vigins to this (so to speak) and trusting our hearts will lead us the right way.

Many thanks


Great to have you here. You're a lucky woman to have an openminded guy.

Some couples do skip to the karezza right away. After I wrote Peace, I found the science behind why the Exchanges work. Turns out that quite simple behaviors can bond couples, and that the key is "very frequent" rather than "elaborate." See this article for more: The Lazy Way to Stay in Love

Distance is a challenge, for sure, but there's a woman on this forum who has had a long distance relationship for a couple of years (with an occasional orgasm) and she's very pleased with the results. I suggest you send her a PM with a link to this thread, as I'm sure others would benefit from what she has to say.

Remember, when in doubt...go slow and drift into a mutual meditation from time to time. You'll know when it's time to quit (even though you may ignore the signals.... Wink )


At the risk of getting too metaphysical I will point out that time and space are illusions. The fact that you are phsyically seperated from your boyfriend does not in any way diminish your ability to connect with him and exchange energy.

I used to think that I had to be inside my wife to exchange energy with her. Then I discovered that I could also do it just by cuddling her. Later I discovered that if I lay two feet away from her on the bed and consciously send her energy she can feel it come to her. It does not stop there. You can talk to someone on the phone from the other side of the world and feel their energy. It is not coming down the phone line. It is simply jumping the (illusory) gap between you as if there was no gap ... which in reality there isn't.

In other words, distance is completely irrelevant when you are discussing energy exchange. The only thing that is required is the conscious intention to send them energy and feel what they are sending back.

The next time you are on the phone with him, try opening yourself to feel his energy. Your own beliefs about what is or is not possible might get in the way for a while, but hopefully you will feel something.

Thank you

Thankyou so much for your references/advice and reassuring words :) I'm so excited about taking this journey with someone, and although I know it's not always going to be a smooth ride, I can already feel my heart fluttering woth anticipation of what's to come.

You Don’t Need to Live Together

My girlfriend and I live in separate dorms in college. We started Karezza after she learned about it in a Women’s Studies class she took. Last year we did Karezza as we could when our roommates split for class or whatever—just like with “regular sex” in the dorms. This summer we were able to stay in the same dorm room and it worked out great. This weekend we move her back to her old dorm and my old roommate comes back—new term starts Monday. My roommate is a really good friend and I missed seeing him but I absolutely love my girlfriend beyond belief—so it’s good to see him but it is still a sad weekend for us. But we will still do Karezza this year until we can move in together next year for good. Be grateful for the time you have together.

About orgasms, funny thing is my girlfriend has more trouble with the no orgasm thing than I do—she has more orgasms than most women who try to have an orgasm. My girlfriend seems to not cool off as easily as I do once she gets going, a theme that I think more women than men have on this site—sort of amusing when you think about it. I am not perfect on the no orgasm front either; sometimes she really gets me going and I slide into a really great orgasm—as Marnia said recently there are worse things than having a great orgasm. So you need to adopt a “no fault” orgasm policy. If one of you cums, you cum; no harm, no foul. Karezza is about love and affection, guilt has no place in the equation.

Also we went right to Karezza and didn’t do a lot on the exchanges. We do some of it mixed in maybe, sort of. We are both pretty chill sort of people so we probably will not ever be purists at anything. We like to text stuff to each other just to say “l love you”, “I am thinking about you”—I know so does everyone else in college. Your actions and bonding with your partner regardless of what you are doing is really what is important—and not just in Karezza. On this same point, no two couples make love exactly alike. What speaks to the two of you is what you should do. Even within Karezza you will read a bunch of differences on how people go about it on this site. Karezza is the journey it is not the destination, so enjoy the journey.

I assume we are somewhere about the same age, live in sort of the same circumstance, so you could look at my blog or track my posts. You can get an idea of some of the stuff we go through. Marnia’s suggestion of Rachel is a good one; she is really great and is really into Karezza. If you just look at the new topics everyday you will pick up a lot of information after awhile.

Good luck with the journey!

Yah, I'm 19 and he's 23... I

Yah, I'm 19 and he's 23... I can already feel the positive affects of karezza working on our relationship, we're a lot more patient with each other and loving outside of the bedroom. I'm still trying to show him the way (I've been the one doing all of the research) but I'm still no sure if we're quite on the same page. He told me that it felt empowering not cuming the first time we made love karezza style, but the more we've done it , it seems to be getting harder for him, not easier (especially when he sees me naked) but he says that he's willing to perceiver. I showed him the link that Marina posted, and have tried to explain that it's about turning the lust feeling into loving feelings. He says he understands, but still asked if we could cum like once a month or so because he enjoys the feeling.....I told him that once we engage in true karezza, he shouldn't feel the need to.

As a young guy, did you also find it hard to quit orgasm and primal mentality? Did intergrating the exchanges help overcome it? (I'm thinking of suggesting this to my baby) ....I feel like it's too much asking him to give up orgasm forever. It's such a big thing..But I don't want biology to tear us apart.

A Guy’s Beginning Feelings

Yeah, saying no orgasms ever again would probably freak anybody out. But you are not really doing that, sometimes orgasms happen and you can also decide to have one. When we first started, physically missing an orgasm was hard and often unsuccessful. Sometimes even now it can be uncomfortable at times. Blue balls is a real feeling. It’s not like someone kicked you in the nuts, more like an achy swollen feeling and it’s uncomfortable. It is also part psychological because you know how to cure the feeling, shoot your load. If you massage your boyfriend around his junk and in back of his sack it can help. It can also get him hotter so you need to be careful how you do it, ask him if it helps him or how to change what you are doing. It does get easier as you practice and when you mellow out how you do stuff.

What helped us is that with Karezza we spend more time physically making love and not just thrusting. When things get too hot, I will still be inside her, side by side, and we talk, kiss and touch. I love to look into my girlfriends eyes when I am touching her breasts. Sometimes that is even too hot, especially for my her. If we stop thrusting I can kind of relax and cool off a little but she still seems to stay heated up. So you need to try different stuff and keep what works for you. We both really like staying connected and talking and making out. When we talk sometimes it isn’t normal love making talk, sometimes we joke around, and just private things between us. When your boyfriend can connect with doing something like that then it gets easier not to have an orgasm every time. To a guy at first shooting your wad seems like everything but once you start to experience other feelings then those feelings start to take hold and you want those also.

Every time you make love with your boyfriend it is a new experience. Karezza is something you are going to do one day at a time and you do it together. We think exploring this together is what is really great.

If you click on my name where the “Submitted by” is it will take you to my profile, go to the “Track” tab and look at posts, especially the ones I authored, this will give you a pretty good idea of where we are and what we are about. Since we are the same age and doing the same thing, I hope you can see some parallel questions and comments that we had.

terrific post

really encapsulates it! I just have to say, if I haven't said it already, that I am so thrilled that you very young people are into this also. 

I'm 37 now

but I can tell you that as a young guy I found it extremely difficult to quit orgasm so be patient. The good news is that you seem to be in a wonderfully open relationship where you talk about how each other feels and probably that's the key. You have started karezza not long ago, isn't it? so think about it in the long term, give him time and everything will work all right once the benefits of karezza slowly make themselves obvious to him. It's just a question of time really.

you've got a great guy there

I can understand his concerns. He wants to make sure he isn't going to feel a lack, a wanting, something unfulfilled that he misses out on.

I think there are not right answers for everyone. But the key is to try this out for 3 weeks or so and then see how things go. He may not feel like having an orgasm after that, or may sometimes.

It can also take awhile to get the hang of this and really get into it. It can take several months. There are no failures here either. It's really, really good!

So who knows how you or he will feel in a month. And projecting your mind ahead to some future that doesn't exist is probably not very productive anyway.

Great that you are hear, I'm thrilled for you and your guy!

I can't thank you enough for

I can't thank you enough for your words, it makes me hopeful that we can overcome this and be even closer with one another. We're only five days into this, but he's told me that it feels like everytime we do karezza there's more and more build up and that there's all this pressure on him to give up something that came so naturally before. Like his hormones are already going wild and he feels like whenever he acts horny he's shunned/feels guilty and that I'm expecting so much of him. I'm trying the best I can to be supportive and help him understand.

what relieves the pressure in a guy

Three things. Long sessions of intercourse without orgasm mostly. And lots of bonding, cuddling, eye gazing...these really help.

And not getting too close to the edge. This gets much easier after a bit of time, but at first a guy will take Karezza to mean "I'll get really close to orgasm and then back off a bit," and that does build up more and more pressure.

At first, I would put cold water on my genitals after sex. I'd suffer a bit of "blue balls" otherwise. But quickly I learned how to do this and not get too "edgy" and also, more than anything else, relax my pelvic floor.

To summarize:

What I do is I keep to a 4-5-6 in a 1-10 scale, 10 being an orgasm. And I relax my pelvic floor, focusing my attention on that part of my penis where it starts, inside my body, the so-called "root" (and women have this too I think, in that they can learn to relax their pelvic floor and benefit tremendously from it during Karezza.)


So good

To have you here! It is refreshing to see such a young couple exploring Karezza. My wife and I sometimes wish we had discovered it sooner. Like Em said just give it a try for awhile and see if the urge to orgasm doesn't go away for him. I know from our experience it didn't take long before we had no desire for orgasms anymore. But you two are young and that may make a difference. At least you are aware of a different method of making love which is great. Remember there really are no rules. Just enjoy!

I'm really upset and have no

I'm really upset and have no idea what to do. I feel we had a really sucessful karezza session last night, but now my honey says that the blue balls are getting really intense now. It's been days and we've tried the pressure relief methods. He seems frustrated with me and was on the verge of masturbating to relieve the pain until I showed him some articles and reassured him the pain would leave. This is so hard, and I don't want to give it up...but the fact that I'm causing him pain makes it almost unbearable to continue :(

Thank you Marina! Haha. I've

Thank you Marina! Haha. I've been trying not to 'turn him on' as much as I usually would, and I've been massaging him lovingly (down there). Last night while we were practicing, I imagined all his pent up energy being pulled up through my body and released as I breathed deeply in the hopes that it would relax us and release the pressure. I guess it's just a waiting game... :(
He's been occupying his mind with other things and using the cold water teqnique, which I think has helped. I just hope it's not a reoccurring thing...I want this to be a good experience for him as well as myself.

Most guys

find the blue balls quickly get better. Not sure if the body adjusts or they learn better when to "back off."

Glad the cold water is helping some. It's a time-honored remedy.


for some reason, we cuddled and I guess got kind of edgy. Anyway, I could sort of feel like this was happening and later on I got "blue balls" and had it for maybe 8 hours. It is uncomfortable. But not painful. I think I wasn't relaxing my pelvic floor is the issue. I have learned this and haven't had this problem since we started. Anyway, lesson learned and no big deal.

Takes a Week

It takes a week of using the cold water treatment to get past the soreness from the blueballs. Just keep applying wet towels as needed. I found that suffering through it, determined not to masturbate for relief, allowed the surrounding tissue to absorb the fluid. After that, I never had it again (about 2 years now).