Hi I'm 33 years old and married for just over a year. While my wife and I went on our honeymoon just over a year ago we tried having sex. I remained abstinent up until I was married (Although growing up having girlfriends I did other things i.e. heavy petting, oral) and so did she. So when we finally did it, it was needless to say awkward and clumsy. What I had noticed though is that I could get it up but as soon as I tried to penetrate I would go down. If I did penetrate I wouldn't last long. For the past year this is something that I have been struggling with. My wife (God bless her) has been VERY patient and understanding. But we always thought that this was normal and it just take a while to "Get it right"
But something in me said something wasn't right. Advice that I had gotten from friends was that I was just anxious, and I needed to relax. That could be part of it but it still wasn't helping me. At this point in our marriage I was becoming discouraged. Sex was something that I couldn't do and wondered if I ever could. I was afraid that I would never be able to have children. My doctor suggested that I take some meds i.e. cialis or Viagra but I really don't want to.
Then I stumbled onto yourbrainonporn.com And it all made sense to me. A lot of these behaviors described me to a tee. Since I wanted to remain abstinent till marriage I used PMO as my outlet. And had no idea what I was doing to my brain. I feel that all those years of PMO have lead to my problems in my marriage. I have been using porn steadily since I was a teenager. But now I really want to kick the habit. Not for me really but for my beautiful wife who deserves so much more in the bedroom than I can currently give her. I shared with my wife all the research that I had done regarding porn and the brain and my problem with porn. To my surprise her response was "of course you've had a problem, you're a guy after all". And we laughed. I apologized to her for my use of porn even in our marriage, she said it was ok. I also told her of my plan to try a reboot and see if that would fix my problem in the bedroom, but this means that we couldn't have sex for 2 months maybe longer. She is 100% on board and supporting me thorough this process.
So I started my reboot 2 weeks ago and I was doing pretty good. I experience the "dead dick" feeling. I have read that this is natural so I wasn't worried. It was on day 15 (yesterday) that my cravings were really strong, and I gave in. I felt terrible. So I have a few questions:
1. I noticed my erection was not hard at all, maybe 60%-70% full. Is that normal?
2. I also didn't use a "death grip". I was able to get off with 2 fingers and a thumb. What might this mean if anything
3. I masturbated to a home made shower scene with an ex partner. It wasn't sex, just video of her showering. Does this count as porn? Porn being fantasy, but this was a real person in my life (Sorry I may be trying to justify myself)
4. I'm afraid that this whole experience will now set me back to day 1. Will it?
Thanks in advance. Glad I found this site, it might save my marriage.