Newlywed Woes

Submitted by seektruth19 on
Printer-friendly version

Greetings,

Somehow I stumbled onto the topic of karezza, and immediately liked the idea. I've read several books, and then finally bought Marnia's book Cupid's Poison Arrow. Without the science involved, although it further supports the idea, I have accepted that karezza is probably a necessity for a long term relationship to remain stable.
Anyways.

I'm here because I'm looking for some advice, some knowledge, or wisdom from anyone who may be able to shed light on my issue.
You see, i'm a 23 year old male. and i've been married to my wife for nearly three years.

After typing that out and reading it, I kinda feel like I'm out of place here, but anyhoo...

I have been a very sexually charged individual, for what feels like all of my life. Before puberty, and even now.
I personally don't believe that there is, or should be any distinction between sex and love. I believe sex is the expression of love between two romantic partners, much like a smile is an expression of happiness, or a hug and expression of trust. it's a language, a statement.

it's something that's obviously very important to me, that I would like to be active and involved in up until I expire.

I don't think it's as important to my wife. I can't blame her for that either, because I know how it was ruined for her in her past, but I also know that even before that incident, she was just never interested in that kind of expression at all.

Well I love my wife, and I'm not going to ever do anything to dishonor, or harm her regardless of my personal satisfaction or needs. She's been very patient, and open minded when it comes to me and this quirk that I have. But our sex life has dramatically tapered off since we first began our relationship, and especially since I had to leave for the Army and she had our child on her own, while I was away.
Our life is pretty busy now, so we hardly have time for our personal amusement, let alone entertaining each other.

Intimacy has become infrequent, the quality has tapered down, and it generally gives rise to more unhappy feelings than ones of contentedness and love. It seems as though it's become a function, or a chore that we must engage in to keep insanity from entering our relationship.

From my point of view. I see myself struggling, fighting my desires every minute every day, trying to stay away from all of the PMO I can get involved in when no one is looking. Then i see her, she looks at a few things here and there online (if you know what I mean) but for the most part she looks completely unaffected, as though the decrease in intimacy and sex hardly affect her, and that she has to "try harder/work at it" for my sake.

and that bothers me.
When we were first together, no one could turn my head, or grab my attention, but now I find myself with lingering gazes despite my best intentions, i've become more flirtatious in my conversations, more reckless, looking for that "novel mate" and I'm scared because I don't want to be "that guy" but I can feel the potential in myself to be that way. To make matters worse, my wife "stumbled" onto an email thread I had with an ex, in which I said things that weren't racy, but very inappropriate for a married man to say.
My wife said that she wouldn't hold me back, that she was grateful for the time we did have together, and our son, and that was that.
She has forgiven me for that, and we have had talks about the decreasing romance and intimacy in our relationship.

So when I stumbled onto Marnia's book, it was really a god send.
or so I thought...
We could maybe re-ignite, and then through a little bit of planning and dedicating ourselves to making these exchanges, we could sate our needs, without quenching the love too.

My wife tears through 1200 page books, in a day, or a few days depending on how intrigued she is. and she can remember the most minute details from them as well.

but she's not making any progress with this one. and when I try to talk to her about it I don't sense any genuine interest from her then either, more like a resigned, "here we go, again"

This is a wonderful woman I'm with, I truly love and appreciate every minute I'm with her, but I don't feel like there's anything I can do to control my nature. I've tried the whole "let the body have it's regular release to ease frustration" and the started my porn obsession. I've tried fasting, exercise, dieting. The only reason my sex drive has decreased as much as it has is probably more out of emotional and physical frustration and hopelessness than anything else.

We go out as often as possible, I try to spoil her as much as I can, I do try and engage in all of those minute things a husband can do to show his woman he appreciates her, but nothing changes.

Maybe I just hurt her, or I bore her now, and she just doesn't want to be the one to initiate the break up.
She says she doesn't plan on going anywhere ever.
I feel less like a man who supports, protects and provides for his family now, and more like an awkward teenager filled with angst.

What do you think?

I'm sorry for what you're going through

How are you doing on daily bonding behaviors? Maybe read this together: The Lazy Way to Stay in Love | Reuniting Right now sex is draining to her and she doesn't want to encourage anything she perceives as draining. However, intimacy doesn't have to be draining, and I think that article might help her start to see that.

My guess is that in the time away from you, her nervous system adjusted in a way that makes her less dependent on you. (Having a child does that too. Biology wants a woman's attention on her baby...until it's time to make a new one.)

I think that if you get get daily bonding behaviors going, two things are likely. First, you're going to feel less restless and more satisfied. Second, frequent sex will become more likely...especially if you keep it non-goal driven.

One of the most important "bonding behaviors" can be just having her hold your penis. Yes, it will give you an erection. But then I think you'll find that things will calm down and you will feel more at ease.

It could take a couple of weeks before you see her nervous system respond to you, so try not to get too needy. Just keep going with the daily bonding behaviors. And shorter and more generous at first seem to work best.

She might also find the Richardson movie inspiring. It was supposed to be available here in the States via download, but I haven't heard that it is yet. That means it's expensive to get from Germany.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes. Meanwhile, these exercises can also help with general horniness: Energy Circulation Practices

yep, bonding behaviors are incredible

Daily non sexual cuddling is fantastic. It takes awhile to feel fantastic though. Do all the cuddling you can, watching TV or in bed, with or without clothes. I suggest you schedule sex for, say certain days, and then when you cuddle on those other days it isn't going to lead to sex and you both know it. It takes the pressure off.

And, don't try to pressure her to read a book or try anything new. 

If you can, try to have sex without coming and try not to have any orgasms for 3 or 4 weeks. Stop masturbation and porn use if you can, especially porn forever, and masturbation for awhile. Somehow this has a huge impact on her, although it may be indirect. Don't tell her you are doing this necessarily -- it may make her feel pressure to have sex more often with you.

This way your sexual energy will become more focused and you'll be much more attracted to her, and her to you. It is an amazing experience. And you'll begin feeling sensations that you never felt before.

 

On bonding behaviors

I am very pleased with the responses so far. Thank you for sharing with me.
I just realized that perhaps i have been looking at this the wrong way. I figured that that the bondin behaviors would only work if we were both well informed, and intent on what we were doing, which i just realized probably nullifies their effect by making them goal driven.

I know i want to engage in these bonding behaviors because i want sex to become what it really is...a physical manifestation of my love, but i suppose for her it would just be an experience? For now anyways.

Upon reflection,

I think emerson's right. Just live it, don't preach it...at first at least.

Things will shift as you go along, so try not to make any fixed judgments about her or the relationship for now. Just sneak in the bonding behaviors and try to schedule some sensual time ahead of time so she can prepare mentally.

Agreement

That's what I started thinking I should do.
Im an ambitious person by nature and I think I was just taking everything so seriously, that I seriously missed the point.

We even started scheduling in an hour before the day begins to just cuddle and maybe talk a few days ago. So I'd like to see what happens between us if we just stay the course for awhile.

As for staving off the orgasms. I know where my point of no return is, I know when to stop before things get critical. My only issue is denying my wife something she wants, and she usually wants that...not her culmination, but mine.

yep

women like it when their men come. Men like it when their women come.

Oh well.

Believe me, it can be the most amazing experience without that. 

We all have to make sacrifices sometimes, LOL.

I will say that at first, my wife was not happy with my not coming. But she got over it and today we have an amazing life in every way. I don't know anyone who has the kind of life we have, including sex life and love life and everything, and it's all because I just stuck to this. I made some mistakes, chiefly trying to pressure or influence her. But otherwise, I did kind of disappoint her at first.

All change is uncomfortable.

slowly but surely

I agree with the above posts, you should cuddle regularly! It seems like both of you are trying. It's a process. My husband and I have been practising Karezza for almost a year now and we still have a long way to go. But it's really all worth it. It has aided my husband's porn addiction recovery too. Be patient. Don't be afraid that it won't work. Let it flow from her naturally and not by being pressured. Best of luck.