I am challenging myself to 90 days. I have done 60 days, and since then my habit has come back. Not a daily habit, but weekly or bi-weekly, which is enough to keep the brain triggered. It is really impacting my spiritual practice, confidence, relationships, and career in a negative way. I know some people can masturbate everyday, etc, but I know for sure at this point that I am not. It does not work for me. In high school i was nearly suicidal due to lack of jing in the body. Same for me with food, some people can eat shit and don't care, but I am just very sensitive to these subtle changes. My life is very close to being extremely positive but lust is holding me back.
I do a lot of positive things and have a very healthy lifestyle, so it should not be that hard, It is just about keeping the decision firm so I don't succumb to those "it won't hurt to just look" thoughts. That's death. An hour later I'm sitting there looking at craigslist considering if I should contact random people to have sex with. And I never have made it to that point --- Until today. What started as "it won't hurt to just look," without even that much lust, turned into (two hours later) me calling a transexual escort and ending up sitting in her bedroom. She was very nice but couldn't stop commenting on how nervous was, which I obviously was because my psyche was in a complete state of disbelief and conflict about the whole experience. It was the least erotic erotic experience of my life, although when watching porn and scanning the ads transexual women with big penises seem like the holy grail of all pleasure. I paid her and left, because I was not horny at all by that point, I was really going to try to see it through (i was in a very clouded state where i thought if I just had the expeirence then I could know once and for all if it was for me). But I literally couldn't get it up or feel anything for her (even though i was extremely horny for the 3 hours before. ) I guess what I learned was that it's truly not for me but my brain is going to tell me it is anyway. This was the best 100 bucks I ever spent because I now have a conviction that I need to do something about this. I'm very sure that this unmanaged sex energy is responsible for MOST of the problems in my life. When the lust and residue is gone, everything runs smoothly (especially due to other practices I do)
I have an obsession with penises from watching porn. Though there an instance I remember in my childhood (10 years old or so) of my older friend showing me his very large friend, and I remember feeling pleasure and a submissive feeling from that. So either it's in me to some extent from birth, or that experience was the trigger which made it a part of me. Either way - doesn't matter - I can tell you that it doesn't make me happy and the state it's in right NOW is definitely not my natural state. I still feel an urge to go back and look at craigslist right this very moment. This can get very dangerous. I have to make the decision to stay out of the stuff, and this website is my help. If I still have a desire for penises after 90 days, it could mean that I am indeed bisexual, which is fine by me. But ending up in some dudes room because I saw his penis on craigslist and told him i would come suck it is not fine by me.
I will start every day with Asanas, Pranayama, and Prayer, and hopefully take a walk 3-5 times a week later in the day as well. I have lots to read and study, I eat a healthy light diet, I have lots of goals, lots of good friends. I will try to drink a green vegetable juice every morning before my duties for the day. I am and artist with lots to create. . Plus my habit is only weekly/bi-weekly at this point. So i have a lot going for me. But NO EXCUSES. Excuses are what make this difficult.
I have a girlfriend (a relationship that is in total shambles). I don't plan on orgasming with her in these 90 days, and I plan on having conventional sex as little as possible without her complaining. If karrezza like sex happens naturally that would be good for us, but I don't think she even trusts me right now enough to do that. That is OK. As long as I maintain my own goals I can mend my relationship her on a social level, karrezza could help later on perhaps.
Wish me luck. This first week and a half is the biggest test. I'm by myself in the big city, with no real schedule. Luckily I have plenty to fill my schedule. After that I get traveling and have school, should get easier.
ANy advice is helpful. The craigslist is my biggest trigger