Okay - Enough already, this is hellish - 90 day challenge - I can do this

Submitted by daneman on
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I am challenging myself to 90 days. I have done 60 days, and since then my habit has come back. Not a daily habit, but weekly or bi-weekly, which is enough to keep the brain triggered. It is really impacting my spiritual practice, confidence, relationships, and career in a negative way. I know some people can masturbate everyday, etc, but I know for sure at this point that I am not. It does not work for me. In high school i was nearly suicidal due to lack of jing in the body. Same for me with food, some people can eat shit and don't care, but I am just very sensitive to these subtle changes. My life is very close to being extremely positive but lust is holding me back.

I do a lot of positive things and have a very healthy lifestyle, so it should not be that hard, It is just about keeping the decision firm so I don't succumb to those "it won't hurt to just look" thoughts. That's death. An hour later I'm sitting there looking at craigslist considering if I should contact random people to have sex with. And I never have made it to that point --- Until today. What started as "it won't hurt to just look," without even that much lust, turned into (two hours later) me calling a transexual escort and ending up sitting in her bedroom. She was very nice but couldn't stop commenting on how nervous was, which I obviously was because my psyche was in a complete state of disbelief and conflict about the whole experience. It was the least erotic erotic experience of my life, although when watching porn and scanning the ads transexual women with big penises seem like the holy grail of all pleasure. I paid her and left, because I was not horny at all by that point, I was really going to try to see it through (i was in a very clouded state where i thought if I just had the expeirence then I could know once and for all if it was for me). But I literally couldn't get it up or feel anything for her (even though i was extremely horny for the 3 hours before. ) I guess what I learned was that it's truly not for me but my brain is going to tell me it is anyway. This was the best 100 bucks I ever spent because I now have a conviction that I need to do something about this. I'm very sure that this unmanaged sex energy is responsible for MOST of the problems in my life. When the lust and residue is gone, everything runs smoothly (especially due to other practices I do)

I have an obsession with penises from watching porn. Though there an instance I remember in my childhood (10 years old or so) of my older friend showing me his very large friend, and I remember feeling pleasure and a submissive feeling from that. So either it's in me to some extent from birth, or that experience was the trigger which made it a part of me. Either way - doesn't matter - I can tell you that it doesn't make me happy and the state it's in right NOW is definitely not my natural state. I still feel an urge to go back and look at craigslist right this very moment. This can get very dangerous. I have to make the decision to stay out of the stuff, and this website is my help. If I still have a desire for penises after 90 days, it could mean that I am indeed bisexual, which is fine by me. But ending up in some dudes room because I saw his penis on craigslist and told him i would come suck it is not fine by me.

I will start every day with Asanas, Pranayama, and Prayer, and hopefully take a walk 3-5 times a week later in the day as well. I have lots to read and study, I eat a healthy light diet, I have lots of goals, lots of good friends. I will try to drink a green vegetable juice every morning before my duties for the day. I am and artist with lots to create. . Plus my habit is only weekly/bi-weekly at this point. So i have a lot going for me. But NO EXCUSES. Excuses are what make this difficult.

I have a girlfriend (a relationship that is in total shambles). I don't plan on orgasming with her in these 90 days, and I plan on having conventional sex as little as possible without her complaining. If karrezza like sex happens naturally that would be good for us, but I don't think she even trusts me right now enough to do that. That is OK. As long as I maintain my own goals I can mend my relationship her on a social level, karrezza could help later on perhaps.

Wish me luck. This first week and a half is the biggest test. I'm by myself in the big city, with no real schedule. Luckily I have plenty to fill my schedule. After that I get traveling and have school, should get easier.

ANy advice is helpful. The craigslist is my biggest trigger

Inspired by another post I

Inspired by another post I read, i will list 15 reasons I want to quit

1. Increased General Energy Level
2. Improved Relationship with girlfriend, less negative feelings
3. Have more loving thoughts towards all people
4. Increased benefits of yoga practice, sexual energy = more bliss transmuted
5. Increase desire to learn, both in school and outside
6. Improve Mental cognition/memory/focus
7. Improve social confidence
8. Less barriers to grow spiritually
9. Discover what my natural sexuality really is
10. Save time (time spent on computer, and time spent feeling awful after the computer)
11. Feel more honest when spending time with people, no need to feel like I'm hiding any secrets
12. Feel a sense of accomplishment on overcoming what I perceive to be my largest barrier right now
13. Have a simpler life - I already know what I want to do, get rid of the main thing getting in the way of that
14. Feel a sense of strength and wellness in my second chakra area. Even without ejaculation or orgasming, there is a sense of feeling i've lost something essential after a lot of lustful thoughts
15. Increased clarity on what I should be doing, increased cleanliness, organization, etc. because the inside will be clear

In addition, I just saw another post on the importance of bonding. Since my g/f and I are on the rocks, I will make that my goal for now. I don't have any desire for sex and I don't think that's on her mind either. The bonding is probably the best thing I can do to mend the relationship, if it's mendable. Then if all goes well karrezza will naturally follow if it needs to.

First

it's not unusual for men to be interested in other men's penises...for comparison sake. I bet there are a lot of women who check out other women's busts for the same reason.

I agree it was money well spent...except that your brain can clearly put you in an altered state when you binge. This is unsafe.

Third, what would such an experience "tell you?" Nothing. Transexual is not a gender. You can't be predisposed toward it like a sexual orientation. Only straight men are drawn to transexual porn. Gay guys have no use for it. Interesting, eh? Read this gay guy's experience: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/comment/457#comment-457

Sounds to me like a hint of OCD...an unwillingness to live with uncertainty whatever the price of settling it. Alas, that uncertainty can creep in again no matter what experiments you make, so it's better to just learn to live with the uncertainty and steer for what you think you want instead of imagining that you can "test" to settle things. This article is long, and very naive about the effects of Internet porn on sexual anxieties, but otherwise good: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/understanding-and-treatment-obsessional-d...

Thanks - definitely a bit of

Thanks - definitely a bit of OCD, leftover from the past when i was VERY OCD. Overall I'm okay with most uncertainty, and comfortable enough to establish both male friendships and female relationships amidst that uncertainty. I'm not okay with the uncertainty of knowing I might end up with an escort on a day I had plans to do other things. And that is main the reason for the reboot.

Day 10 of no M

Day 10 of no M
Day 5 of no P

Pressure is mounting, had erotic dreams last too nights. Ate food really late, which doesn't help. Haven't eaten today and still have indigestion. May fast or just eat one small salad kind of meal to empty the stomach, this should help. Cravings are increasing, but by increasing meditation they decrease. Been exercising and meditating and praying daily.

Cravings increased after a career commitment in the world that was highly stressful... Stress = desire for sex.

Yes, stress is a trigger

for neurochemical reasons. It's not your imagination.

That's why it's good to learn ways to cope with stress when you sense it. Exercise, time in nature, meditation, socializing....take your pick.

Yep. Back on top of things

Yep. Back on top of things over here. Did a 36 hour fast, meditating and praying basically all day yesterday. Afterwards (now day 11) confidence is out the roof. Started talking to random girls on the street (not in a sexual way, but in a way with much more confidence than I usually have), although my desire is not to be involved with anyone right now. It just kind of happened by itself, strange. The sexual energy is definitely sublimating upward from the spiritual practice. I also need less sleep and less food it seems. Things are changing. Got many more looks from girls also, and was more in tune with sexual tension. Interesting. I gotta keep my head in the game though. Might do another fast again soon, it keeps my willpower in check, and i have a lot of time right now, summer break.

The girlfriend I have is not really my g/f right now, which is nice, it makes this simpler for me. An internal journey. we are staying in touch however, may see a movie with her saturday. It also makes me feel a bit less terrible about the escort, since I was technically single. Even though it's something i morally don't agree with my action, I'm happy that I haven't cheated on anyone. That would be a new one for me. This is definitely the easiest reboot yet, I attribute it to the much higher level of spiritual practice going on. But I thank this website for support because I know how the urges can come back just when we least exepct it. It's nice to have this to lean on. Stay positive guys! Smile

Day 14 with no M here.. Had a

Day 14 with no M here.. Had a very low-energy night last night, but just made a conscious effort to do absolutely nothing. went to bed early. Haven't even really fantasized since I started this reboot. It's going very well. Woke up at 5:30 and did 1 and a half hours of Qigong, now going to a spiritual meeting, then meeting up with my girl later. Then going to to see the family, then off to Korea. Things should be good Smile

Yes - should be great.

Yes - should be great.

Morning of the 16th day - had a nocturnal emission, with some kind of really messed up dream. The dream bothered me more than the emission, but either way, it's pretty good I made it this far. It's natural for those things to continue expressing I suppose, the fantasy has been very very low during all this time.

continuing now with no PMO-------- Smile Cheers

day 35 no m day 30 no P. One

day 35 no m day 30 no P. One third there. No problems yet. been doing a lot of natural grounding, less yoga now. I find it actually a more powerful practices for channeling the sexual energy upward. Sooo much energy. I have never felt like this. I can go on 3 hours of sleep (though I'm trying to not allow myself to do this) it is incredible! So with natural grounding, meditation, rentention, and exercise/fresh air.. this has still been cake.. Smile

The one time I was able to go 2 months without a wet dream or anything was due to natural grounding, btw. It seems not all are able to reap the benefits of the practice immediately, but it resonated with me, and it's quite wonderful. Not to mention the amazing effects it has on sexual presence/looks from the opposite sex

wooo.. had a close call today

wooo.. had a close call today. a cold shower and natural grounding saved me.

So day 1 with no P is tomorrow. Still no M or O which is very good. and the NG reset me, feel very calm again. I guess I have to up my spiritual practice again, I got lax because of jetlag. Also something that killed me was actually overexercising yesterday. I'm used to moderate exercise, in nature, walking, yoga, etc. That Helps a LOT. but yesterday I did very intense body weight exercises I'm not used to, and it tired out my body to such an extent that I had no energy to do my normal stuff - which resulted in a trip to the porn website. That's the classic thing that gets me there, is when i have no energy to do anything else. So I will continue to value any practice that seems to generate energy (subtle energy). VIgorous exercise is not that for me, (and perhaps others as well, i have heard of this before - vigorous exercise is tiring, makes you need more sleep etc, but develops the muscles - moderate exercise is immediately energizing in a way that doesn't stress the system)

You can find natural grounding on the official website. Beware, Rion can come off a bit strong, and he seems to still have a lot of ego-issues to address, but he discovered something that has worked brilliantly for me and many many other guys (some have reached incredible states just from this practice)

as for info:

"I just use the videos that come up on youtube. My favorites being the reel Natural Grounding 2.0 (4 part video). I'll often use my own music, as I am very sensitive to the emotional content of music. I'll play something that gets me relaxed and receptive, and just sit there for however long I feel like it. The key with the practice is the intent. You're not doing is to escape porn, to become better with women, to get a result. Just be with the image you're seeing, and become increasingly related to it; we are forming a relationship (abstractly). When the mind slows down and we can reach a place of meditation with it, we start forming a new picture of women, one that values their natural sexual energy/radiance, as opposed to a socialized view that pornography gives us. In this sense, it is the opposite of pornography, and just as pornography can bring is into infinite new lows and addictions, Natural Grounding seems to be an unlimited practice, with a clearer view of sexuality and heightened states of bliss on love awaiting. Sometimes during the practice I get erections, but they seem to be the very natural spontaneous kind. In relation to the philosophy/science proposed by Marnia's books, it seems that Natural Grounding is a way to produce oxytocin from a bond without having a partner, and in my experience it can be more effective, just because you have control of the variables, and the women in these videos usually have an outwardly loving radiance for the entire video, meaning that the practice is infinite. I was on the track to being forever mediocre with women until finding this practice. Now the issue is that whenever I start doing natural grounding I get a girlfriend which causes me to stop the practice ;-)."

I would prefer eventually not to have to do this practice, as I do have a desire for brahmacharya in accordance with my spiritual practice - however, when i stop doing natural grounding, the things i start doing are much worse, haha. I'd rather completley revitalize how I view women and then if I decide to go celibate, do so from an enlightened, empowered place, rather than a place of need and desperation.

Relapse - With Positive Feelings??

lol -

I just masturbated. THe sexual energy was just getting too intense and started to feel unbalancing.

Surprisingly, I don't really feel that different at all, no low, etc - I guess after 35 days the body might be ready to just let it loose in a way that is "need" based as opposed to addiction/habit based.

part of the reason it's much less stressful is that it was a conscious choice - i wasn't even all that horny at the time _ i just said, I think i should release now, and then did it. Because of that It wasn't a very intense orgasm, and there is much less of a feeling of guilt. Over the last two days my focus was starting to decrease and I was making dumb choices, looking at porn sites for no clear reason at all - wasn't even horny.. Just bored and unbalanced. Perhaps if I stuck it through there was a greater level awaiting me. However I'm confident after 35 days that reboot is not the only key factor in dealing with these impulses. I think my healing has come from the combination of the retention and the spiritual practices. due to the sexual energy building up and getting trapped in the wrong places (second chakra) my focus in the last day or two has decreased for spiritual practices. Now i feel a renewed sense of purpose (odd) I know - so i plan on increasing my spiritual practice in the weeks to come. After about 30 days into the retention, i started to notice my priorities changing.. I wanted to lift weights to get bigger to impress girls, wanted to do my grounding to get girls, etc... Because this happened, it means it was within me, and the rentention made me aware of it. However this subsided, I went out to a club tonight and literally felt asexual with all of these girls at my table.

The point is - I actually feel rather positive about this release, and feel like it's just a part of the process. My intention now is to not do it again, and immerse myself in both my spiritual practices and music to ensure that my energy is all going where it should, like a lightning bolt. I also plan on rereading way of the superior man by deida, one of my very favorite books, and one that EVERYONE on this forum should read. Smile

The only thing disturbing is, I don't seem to have healed from my fantasies, they disappeared completely for about a week during some intense natural grounding, but resurfaced once my interest in grounding decreased a bit. I don't like that I'm depending on something external - natural grounding, and thus my interest in it decreased. Don't get me wrong, I think it's incredibly valuble tool, especially for those who are searching for something higher but still value their sexual status. By going through and transcending that, great results can be had on the guys here on this forum. However within myself, I feel a split in that I don't think I am actually that generally interested (from a higher perpsective) in relationships with multiple women, being the most attractive, etc. That is all scattered leftover ego garbage that is not heavily backed up in the core of my being. In order for that stuff to work, it has to be believed in, and I don't think it's who I am. I think it's also a limited aim. However natural grounding is definitely helpful in healing, and I will probably use it again, especially in this next week if the hangover gets me. Since I am up I am about to go on a beautiful walk in nature at sunrise, then head to bed, then get lunch with a friend, then work on music. We can't waste any time after these O's

It seems a major problem at this forum is Oing once and then the guilt causes a total meltdown. Somehow I don't feel any guilt at all (first time ever), and I know this is a major step in my recovery. Guilt is just another program in the mind. Use the period of relapse as an opportunity to see this guilt and release it (by accepting/allowing/welcoming it and letting the emotion pass and leave the emotional body)

in addition

I think a reason a lot of guys have trouble with the reboot is because they can't masturbate and be completely okay with that. I feel a new sense of freedom with this experience. It's OK. It's really all OK. I don't plan on doing this again, because it doesn't interest me - the consciousness must rise, and that can only happen by releasing all of the attachments AND aversions to the situation

"i don't want to masturbate"
"i'm not going to masturbate"
"masturbating is bad"
"i hate myself for masturbating"

These mental programs perpetuate the reboot. I didn't hear any of these thoughts this time around. I don't want to fall back into the habit, but it's effortless. I don't feel any attraction to it now. I know the desires will arise again, but they are just passing thoughts, moments, and we can let them by... Healing cannot be forced. teh Reboot is a great aid to improve willpower and awareness... but the problem seems to me, to be primarily in the mind. Yes it is largely physical -- but the DECISION to masturbate or not, look at porn --- those thoughts arise from the mind. If we can observe our mind as another entity and look at the desires like clouds, the suffering is gone, even if we do masturbate! And ironically at that point, that is when the desire leaves us completely.

The insistence on the reboot causes it's failure.. In every past failed attempt, the reboot being on my mind "I am doing a reboot and I don't want to fail" made the failure os much worse and more guilty, which increases attachment to thesituation, which increases suffering and most likely increases the biological effects such as ED, etc.

Now I feel as if I'm in a reboot still, but without any insistence (at this moment). It's just happening naturally.

So basically, Just don't beat yourself up. Hold the intent to reboot, but get rid of the guilt and the obsession about it.

We agree

that masturbation is just an act, not a reason for bad feelings. But many guys here do get that. They choose not to masturbate for a while because they are trying to reboot in order to reverse addiction-related brain changes. If they don't, they tend to keep binging, and the addiction just deepens. Guilt has nothing to do with it.

It doesn't sound like you have an addiction, but if you do, then the discomfort you describe would be your "withdrawal symptoms." By pushing through them, you could help make your brain more sensitive.

In any case, once someone is past his addiction, it's good to find a regular partner...or a regular schedule. There's a whole FAQ about this on YBOP: Are there any guidelines for healthy masturbation? Karezza might also be an option when a cooperative partner can be found.