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Submitted by cadethefaun on
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So my last 2 girlfriends had borderline personality disorder, one was very crazy and put me through a lot, basically cheating on me and treating me like garbage, and the other just up and left me for another guy with no explanation at all, then tortured me for a month or so with mind games. I stayed with the cheater way longer than I should have. Both traumatized me and I have these irrational fears bc of it.

Has anyone here experienced going from a cheater to a good partner? I'm having issues bc sometimes I have this irrational fear of her cheating, and sometimes it freaks me out a little. How do I deal with this fear? And I'm afraid that the fear sent out into the universe might cause problems.

I make it a point to trust her and place faith in her even when I can't get my inner self to calm down, not act suspicious, facing the fear and letting her have full independence, try not to allow myself to ask questions about things that don't need questioning(not allow the fear to get the better of me). And I feel disconnected from my gut feelings, probably bc these irrational fears drown them out. My gut has told me earlier on a day when I was calm enough to be aware that I just need to trust her and she will have the space to be the woman I want her to be and that she actually needs me to believe in her.

She has been very honest about everything, even if she feels different from one day to the next, so I never have to guess. So why doesn't it sink in that she is honest? trauma?

Anyway, I just want to show her true trust and devotion, even if something will happen. It feels right. So how do I kick the fear? Maybe it will just take time. Little by little she has been restoring my faith that a woman can love me and only me.

I doubt that your trust issue

I doubt that your trust issue is truly a result of your last two relationships. It probably started long before that, and may even have played a role in the the demise of those relationships, and maybe even in how/why you selected those partners in the first place.

I'm reading The Mind-Made Prison: Radical Self Help and Personal Transformation which I think you would find helpful in your situation. The kindle edition is only $4, so it's an inexpensive option. I found out about it from emerson (another user on this forum).

Affectionate bonding

Affectionate bonding behaviors. If you can do them on a daily basis with her that would be great.

Maintaining a healthy relationship with another person has been challenging for me as well. two books that i always come back to when life is throwing me challenges are "the power of now" and " a new earth" both by eckharte tolle. He also has alot of great videos on youtube

The experience I had with the last guy i spoke to brought up very strong emotional reactions in me. As painfull as it was, I tried my best to acknowledge and accept as best as i could, this accumulated negative emotional energy field inside of me. what helped me get through it this time around i think was EFT, also known as "Tapping". There's alot of videos and information on the Internet about it. It's really all about creating a loving space where your emotions can be experienced with acceptance and without judgment. It is Definitly alot easier said than done, but worth the try

great resources

The Power of Now got me through the worst situation with a partner I ever had. I kept going back and re-reading it. I knew one man who'd read it seven times, last time I spoke with him.

I've known people who use EFT - tapping on acupuncture points ("energy meridians") to release the energy blocks, while using simple affirmations relevant to the situation. EFT has a huge following. A New Earth -- also good stuff.

For anyone interested in learning to tame the emotions, I also highly recommend the 10-day Vipassana Meditation adult course. The first one is offered FREE - find a location close to you. I know people who repeat it every year (around their birthdays). If you google it, you will find the history fascinating. There have been documentaries done about it, and it's been used in prisons in other countries with success with the worst criminals - who made permanent changes in themselves.

Meditation restructures the brain. Vipassana adult course gets you out of your environment so it is all you do for ten days, with the lectures and silence, and this is the best way I found of experiencing what meditation can really do.

Here are a couple of links (out of countless):