One year later - Porn and HOCD

Submitted by newbie123 on
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HOCD- Homosexual Obsessive Compulsion Disorder

I came to this site and YBOP about a year ago searching for answers. PMO had been a daily ritual for many years, 13 years I would say. I, like may of you in this forum, had become de-sensitized to the normal genres of porn. Looking for novel or shocking material became the norm really without me knowing it on a conscious level. I never had a great sex life with women in real life, I suffered from mild ED, went to Urologists for answers, got the little blue pills, etc. Confidence in the bedroom was a problem. I would always try to conjure an image in my head of a porn scene to get off while having real sex. Then came the HOCD problem.

The difference in my story is that I never really ventured into the gay/transexual world of porn but I will say that my sexual tastes had changed, I was needing stranger and more shocking thoughts to have an orgasm. The HOCD kicked in on while I was on vacation. While I was masturbating, the usual thoughts were not working and then a weird, semi gay thought popped in my head and ended up having this weak orgasm. I am not sure if the shock of it all was the culprit but I can tell you that it scared the hell out me. It was never anything that I had thought of for any sexual satisfaction, and I was 33 at the time.

I spent the whole rest of the vacation analyzing all of my reactions to people, men and women. I obsessed what my groinal sensations felt like and checked and checked, and checked. I obsessed over whether I had turned gay and the fact that my experiences with women had been mixed at best fueled the HOCD more. This obsession lasted for a for a good two months until I would seek professional help.

To back track a little bit, I found YBOP a months after through all my google searches related to HOCD, and sites dealing with "how to you know if you are straight or gay." The material on YBOP made sense to me and was very relatable. Many of the people in the forums claimed that their HOCD had been cured through no PMO. I tried it of course. BTW- I was and still am in a relationship so during this time, I would have sex but no PMO. What I learned is that my ED did go away. Sex was no longer a formation of mental images in my mind but a shared act with the person in front of me. The HOCD did not go away for me however. The questioning was as bad as ever.

This is where I want to talk about my treatment because it has to do with traditional HOCD vs porn related HOCD. I will leave you to make your own judgements based on my individual accounts. I found a therapist, who is an expert on OCD, as a matter of fact a few of his articles are mentioned on YBOP. He ventured into response prevention and exposure therapy with me. For those of you who do not know, this therapy involves exposing a patient to things they are afraid of in a gradual order, starting with things that make you a little afraid to ending with things that really scare you. The idea being, if you want to think about something less, think about it more. Resisting negative thoughts causes them to loop back into you consciousness. By agreeing with the thoughts, and exposing yourself to them, you become de-sensitized to them. It is equivalent to seeing a scary movie for the first time. At first you are shocked, but if you see it 10 more times, it will not be that scary any more. We started by making a list of things that would bother me and ranked them on a scale of one to ten, ten being the scariest. We started with reading coming out stories, reading material that might be considered gay, listening to recording that suggested that I might be gay. As the therapy went on, I had to agree with the thought that I could be gay. It was an extremely scary proposition. In the end, the material escalated to my number 10, but by the time I reached that level, I was better prepared. BTW- my number 10 was watching gay porn, for the fear I might feel something. I was never to allowed however to"check" my reactions. I had to just "be" with the shocking material, allow my self to be anxious until I realized that nothing was becoming of it. The more I did my homework, the less the material affected me. In the end, I could say "yeah, I might be gay, but who cares." You see in the end, it is the questioning and the need to find a definite answer that drove me mad. Am I really gay? I don' t think so but I do not obsess over it any more. I do not check anymore. I still get intrusive thoughts from time to time, but I agree with them and it quickly shifts my focus. It no longer affects me the way it did, even though questions may randomly pop in my head. The questions do subside alot as time goes on.

All in all, I do agree that quitting the porn is key before starting any therapy of this kind. Porn got me into this mess but the therapy got me out of it. I do not know if this therapy will work if you are a user who has traveled into the world of gay porn or transexual porn. I would say to quit first and see where you stand with HOCD after a few months. What I also learned from my therapist is that there are many gay people who watch straight porn and think they might be straight, so this problem can go both ways. I will say that my journey is individual but this therapy was life changing for me. If you do find help, go to an OCD specialist who has dealt with this, not a general counselor. Be forthcoming, if they know what they are doing, they will not judge your orientation, yet help you to stop obsessing over the questions. I hope some can relate to my story and help you get back on track with life. Thanks.

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I am not sure what the gallery tube is honestly. What is it? If it is one with multiple pictures and genres in one place then yes.
I think that most of my OCD came about because..
1. Possibly genetics
2. Thoughts that may violate my expectations can be shocking and guilt producing at the same time.

so these are...

sites with thumbnails of porn videos, many on a page, making the hunt for the "right" video easier?

These might lead to quicker exposure to novelty and therefore quicker desensitization and escalation...?

They're

thumbnails of videos that can be streamed. No "breather" while you wait for something to download. This has lots of implications for messing up human sexual response. We're working on an article about it, so I'll make sure to send you a draft.

That's a really good point

My MD friend says it might be OCD-personality (perfection) - meaning getting started on something, looking for perfection, and never completing the goal in life. I have that tendency. Internet achieved that by providing this "perfection", which will not match reality in all likeliness, and definitely not in my particular case.

Also, I was looking at pictures of our travels around the States and Europe - I'm insane. My girlfriend is perfect in every way. Have I lost my mind? I profusely apologized to her with tears on my face almost, for being so inconsiderate. I wanted this girlfriend, I got her, and I'm only the absolutely most luckiest guy in the world she's still with me. I hope to get better. But I know it's perception. It will get better.

Sunday's done. Ciao.

Nice story

I can relate. Quitting porn has definitely cleared up my heterosexuality. What bugs me is this "emotional", almost sexual attraction I feel towards feminine guys, especially gay guys. But I know that if I masturbate, I know exactly what my orientation is. So, I'm learning to just stay with the feelings. It's a crazy bitch, but I don't have much of a choice. I know there's no point to hook up with a guy if I'm straight, even if it might be pleasant, so I just have to learn to go with it. The worst are the penile movements around men, where they are non-existent around women, and the emotional, "loving" feelings around men. I'd like myself to restore to normal.

Maybe with your advice, it can go there, but it's important not to have expectations, because it just fuels the OCD.

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In regards to the "movements" as you say, stuff is going on down there all the time. You have geared yourself to notice it more when you get into an anxious situation. In the end, I gave myself permission to let myself react, in fact encouraged it. Basically, this is what agreeing with the thoughts means. By trying to avoid, you pay attention to yourself in a way that you never used to. I found that nothing was really ever going on though, more than it ever did. It takes time to get the courage to try and might not always be successful mentally however. Check out the link below.

I am not sure of your porn watching history. Seeing re-assurance and testing yourself would be the worst thing to do. If is still persists, see an OCD person. Get a game plan together and work your way out of it. That is all I can tell you.

http://www.ocdla.com/blog/sexual-orientation-ocd-hocd-sub-types-treatmen...

I've seen the article

I'm going to go without the testing. I know I'm straight. I've only watched straight/lesbian porn. At least 99.8% of the time, and 100% of the time before HOCD. I just have to understand my real orientation, regardless of what I've read and seen, keep doing the right thing, and hope that it leads to good results. That's especially considering that no matter how convinced I've been that I'm gay, that I still fantasize about girls and love it more than anything else. So I better get my act together as far as being oversexed and HOCD'ing.

Thanks for the tips, man. They sound real useful Smile

OCD

Marnia,

I don' think that I can say that it certainly caused my general OCD. I think there is a part of me that has always had some anxiety where I will loop back to other things in my life that may have been a simple embarrasing moment, although never that severe. I think that all the exposure to the porn did cause confusion and de sensitization to normal sexual cues. Like I said, I was never one to look at the gay or transexual porn, until I was directed to do it in my therapy. I do think though that the more "wrong" something appeared, then it became more interesting over time. It is interesting that since I stopped watching, the types of things that I would want in the bedroom have returned more to normal and have been very satisfied. I think my OCD falls into the camp between traditional and porn induced OCD, maybe more to the traditional. Shame and guilt seem to be more of the triggers of OCD. In porn related cases, I think anything that may cause enjoyment and guilt could trigger OCD, especially if you are pre-dispositioned psycologically and genetically . These of course are my opinions on the subject.

Your opinions are very helpful

...and thoughtful. Thanks for taking the time. It's interesting to think about the possible link between shame and OCD. Do you mean shame as in feeling inadequate/humiliated or sexual shame? Although both may be factors for you, some people have one or the other more strongly. It would be interesting to see the correlation with OCD.

OCD

No, in discussing with the therapist any shame or guilt whether it be genetic, family upbringing, religious beliefs, social conditioning can all be factors that could and can lead to many different OCD cases. OCD people, I have learned, have irrational beliefs. They are trying to prevent an action or behavior that most people are able to process as irrational and move on with their daily lives. The rituals try to help alleviate the anxiety of the thoughts, but never truly do.

I terms of shame, I would say my personal shame was any thoughts that go against beliefs that I have adopted as a part of my self image, or what I would like it to be. The sexual component is only part, I have been a person who has taken on more guilt than I prob should in the past. When I realized that porn may be a problem, I was already in the middle of the OCD. I am sure that there could be many users after watching all of this stuff could have a fear of becoming a pedophile, violent person, etc. Most of these people would never do such things but could develop fear of the thoughts and becoming the person they fear they are turning in to. OCD has many forms and cases. I would think in the right circumstances, this exposure to porn can lead to many things that violate someones own belief system.

I think that some on this site may truly develop HOCD and some after a reboot, may be able to deal, center themselves, and realize the addiction is more of the culprit. I would guess after quitting, people will know the answer. Of course, these are only my opinions and I am no expert.

confusion

hello everyone,

i never posted ever on any forum Lol but it seemed to me like thid s*** was similar to mine and plus its a pain in the a** to deal with it. well, i kinda have been watching porn since a young age...like 13 or smth.; and at the beginning it was always girls that would turn me on a lot and would never think of doing it with a guy or whatever, but as time passed i kinda switched to gay porn aswell and from evrth that i've read if u have already OCD porn only make it worse for u....I got to the point that i don't feel like im myself anymore simply for the fact that i use porn and fantasise quite often now at gay stuff. I stopped watching porn and this is my 3rd week and i feel trully S*ittier than ever before and it's like the confusion just increases at some point more than it ever did . I can really realate to what a lot of people have been saying here and when it gets tough for me i always follow like a simple rule that my brain works on. I have told myself that i don't mind if i would be bi or even gay :) im open to that idea but thinking sexually and orgasming about gay stuff leaves me with this feeling of emptiness and just generally 'not me" feeling whereas thinking about girls makes me feel happy and how i used to be again .
Ive never been so scared in my life about smth especially that ive starting already having ed problems when it comes to sex and i know its nothing wrong with me as i have no problem getting really aroused when i fantasise and look at gay porn or straight porn, but these days its gay porn tht gets me more turned oon for some reason. The thing that's buggin me is that in real life i don't feel that sexual or emotional attraction to any guy and never felt it, however i have felt it for girls :) So i decided to stop porn forever and however tough it might get, i think everyone shud latch themselves to some other activity that makes them happy and think more clearly. With ocd sufferers, the problem is that we're locked up in our head to much and that is in itself a problem , going out with friends or just generally talking to chilled out people can help a lot :) as for the porn thingy, i know that it can change your orientation temporarily but it is only when you're feeling horny and that is not an enough basis to categorise urself as gay or straight or whatever...its in the real world where attractions happen , so i suppose ill just wait till i meet a girl or a guy if its gonna turn out that way that im gonna feel an attraction for ...and life is soo beautiful anyways Lol

I really feel for you guys

but actually, you sound like you're doing pretty well. You may need months for things to settle down. Until then, don't let the odd spike throw you off your plan.

As you'll gradually realize, stress is more of a trigger than actual sexual feelings, although it may be hard to spot that at first because the spikes can be so intense.

The pattern you describe is really common in guys who grew up using internet porn. We've collected everything we've learned about it here: I'm straight, but attracted to transexual or gay porn. What's up? | Your Brain On Porn

It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on things. That is, you understand it's your brain playing tricks on you and that the more distance you get from porn, the more you'll figure out about your genuine attraction.

If so, then the best thing to do is to stop analyzing and reading and comparing and checking and testing...and seeking reassurance. Instead, stay busy and do what you can to keep your brain in balance: exercise, meditation, time in nature, socializing, etc.

After a few months, things will be a lot clearer.

Good luck!

Thanks a lot for the support

Thanks a lot for the support :D i just have one tiny question. I feel more irritated now than ive ever felt and its like anything gets me angry... also i noticed when i masturbate a lot to porn i start noticing really tiny stuff that girls do that piss me off and as soon as i stop ...its like im oblivious to them ..is this normal? I won't stop from my plan and to be fair it feels nice just to generally not do porn just to make u happy for a short-term...The problem is now im not attracted to anything and i got myself into this mess telling myself that its better if u don't like anyone again or if ur lonely because of past experiences. However i decided to change and i just need to know if its normal to go through this phase where im just like in a limbo Lol i don't know how to explain it

Thank you :)

it just doesn't move

Ive been like over a month now in without any pmo>>>and i just wanted to see if i can M with just normal fantasy or nothing really...but it would just not get fully hard...it gets up till a certain point but its like it doesn't even want to do that . Obviously tht scard and kinda made me look at some pictures but thank god i stopped before anything cuz i realised it was just too weird. is it normal to just not get random erections or not even morning ones at any point during this recovery?

:D i see the light at the end

:D i see the light at the end but...its dim but still im completely decided on this so there's no way back...what abt brain fog? like i read about but idk if what i'm feeling is brainfog or not....definetly depressed but i also feel that my friends r not my friends anymore and just generally feels like a heavy stone on me...and i know thts not normal cuz i never used to have tht issue when i was younger.. But you're doing such a nice thing for all of us :) and its weird a girl giving advice to guys but i like it Lol

Actually,

we try to collect many of the tips that you guys have shared about your recoveries on www.yourbrainonporn.com, and you should check out the FAQs there. I just try to share what we've learned, because I've seen hundreds of you go through recovery.

I'm sorry you're depressed. Do you think you need to see a doctor? Mood swings are not unusual during the process. Many guys reported being able to relieve them with exercise, socializing, meditation and time in nature. We've collected a lot of different suggestions guys had here: ♦Solo Tools

By the way, I think it can be good to get this kind of advice directly from your peers. These are all good forums:

YOURBRAINREBALANCED.COM

NoFap.org

r/Pornfree

REDDIT.NoFap

Again - everything we've learned from the men recovering is collected here: www.yourbrainonporn.com

It's very normal

at first. Anytime someone goes from overusing to abstinence, the cravings (in your case, spikes of anxiety) get worse for a while. This is just part of the recovery process for addicts, and people with OCD sometimes get hit the hardest.

Do your best not to analyze your situation. This article explains why: Exposure Therapy for HOCD?

However, it also helps to learn more about withdrawal: What does withdrawal from porn addiction look like?

Can you exercise or meditate to help ease your mind?

i can...as in i can easily

i can...as in i can easily dismiss the thoughts by just blocking them...but they come back. and thats what's bugging me cause in real life i wouldn't want a relationship with a guy or anything like tht, and i just tend to think abt that to get my mind off it...however before i stopped porn gay stuff were what i was using the most so i suppose it kind off explains itself