PMO-free Entry 1: Bio and background

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Submitted by Batman on
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Hi there. I was referred to this site through yourbrainonporn.com, which I discovered last night after googling and reading some articles. I would say I had a major breakthrough (and breakdown) last night. More on the breakdown later, but it frustrated me enough to make me do some serious research. I've watched all the videos they recommend and a few articles and other people's accounts.

I begin my reboot today. I figure it blogging will keep me honest and on track. Today I provide a bit of my background.

Me
I'm 30, male, good/great shape, in Canada.

Masturbation and porn
In early high school, I masturbated to fantasies of my classmates, about once per day. Oh, the good old days, when seeing up a girl's skirt on the stairs would give you a month's worth of jerkoff fuel. Around 15, I started masturbating to porn - back then it was still tiny pictures online. As technology improved, I turned to videos. Unlike a lot of the accounts I have read on YBOP, I never (or very rarely) masturbated more than once per day. However, I've had a long-term girlfriend since 17 (see "sex and ED" below) so I was also usually having regular sex as well.

I've also read that many people get into more hardcore and more extreme porn. For me, that happened to some extent - starting with nude pictures and moving to videos of sex to rougher sex and some anal - but nothing weirder than that. However, I definitely would "binge". At first it was spending hours saving videos to the hard drive, then with the tube sites it was having up to 30 windows or tabs open and switching back and forth. I also got really picky - is it possible to get more and more extreme but focus on beauty?) The girl had to be perfect. If her areolas were a tiny bit too large, her hips too wide, her eyes not big enough, etc., move on to the next video. Also video quality - lately I had been going for HD stuff with gorgeous girls, full screen.

In the last few years, my frequency of masturbation has decreased to about three times per week - but still always with porn. I also have sometimes watched porn without masturbating, often without getting an erection. Just craving it but not needing to get off. Only now do I realize how bad this is.

Sex and ED
I had an off-and-on girlfriend, "Jane", from 17 until recently, so I have had pretty regular sex most of my life since then. I have never experienced ED with her to the point that it prevented us from having sex, but I have noticed periods of time (all after age 25) where erections were not as full or hard as they have been in the past.

I have had sex with nine other women (all after 25). The crazy thing is, I'm pretty sure I've never had sex with any woman, other than Jane, without using viagra or similar. (I say pretty sure because sometimes it's hard to tell - e.g., you take a viagra Friday night and have sex Friday, Saturday and Sunday - is it still the viagra?) The first two times I tried to have sex with girls other than Jane (at 24-25), I couldn't get an erection at all, and since then I've been too scared to try it without viagra. But drugs have done the trick. Until now.

Jane is very attractive, but some of the other girls have been just as attractive.

My big breakdown was two weeks ago. I started to have sex with a new girl, having preemptively taken a viagra. I got an erection but lost it after 30 seconds of sex. That was the first time viagra had failed me.

Why rebooting might not work or might take a long time for me

1. I have never tried rebooting intentionally before, but I was once travelling for three months when I was 25 and had no internet access. I didn't masturbate for at least 1.5 months. Didn't notice any change - still had problems getting it up with girls other than Jane. So it might take a while.

2. There may be psychological issues associated with Jane contributing to my ED. I really hope this is not the case. I would love for everything to be resolved just by quitting porn. The ability to respond physically to a real person, the way you want to, is so important.

Why I might be able to reboot successfully

1. I pride myself on willpower and patience. I once had a jumbo bag of skittles on my desk and ate just one per day for an entire year.

2. I have an active social life, great friends, and my habit is not every day or multiple times a day. So I should be able to overcome the cravings.

Thanks for reading.

Comments

good luck starting out

I had a similar night to what you describe- major breakthrough followed by major breakdown- before I started my reboot (I'm currently on Day 80). It's like you can't seem to stop digging through all of the material and you see flashes of yourself in almost every story and you just want to find the success story that most closely mirrors you for some reassurance that you're going to recover as well. Addiction is an odd thing- somehow you're always the last person to know about it. I hope it filled you with resolve.

For what it's worth, my advice is to create a system that keeps you doing things to actively work on your problem every day. Focus on doing, not thinking. Exercise, meditation, kegels, healthy eating- do everything you can to help yourself every day. If you keep yourself busy enough, you'll wake up one day and the problem will be gone. Push hard- the shortest way out is definitely the most preferable. Good luck with everything.

Ha ha!

Oh, the good old days, when seeing up a girl's skirt on the stairs would give you a month's worth of jerkoff fuel.

Welcome Batman. Every brain is different, but some of your escalation definitely points to desensitization, and that should be reversible. Once that's sorted, you can isolate other issues...if any.

Also, I think many guys are pair bonders. They don't do well with one-night stands. It feels weird to a primitive part of their brains, even if they like the idea from all the porn they've watched. If so, then engaging in bonding behaviors with your mate for a few encounters before you "get it on," is likely to make a big difference. See: Guys: Where Do You Fall on the Monogamy Spectrum?

Welcome!

Wow

Wow, Marnia Robinson herself commented on my first post! I read the article, and of course it lead to a half-dozen other fascinating things to read. Yes, I definitely show some signs of being a pair bonder. Knowing and accepting that might change my approach to getting intimate next time. Thank you!