The first week since I took the decision to recover is now over. No PMO at all. I’ve read countless pages on mybrainonporn.com and now understand more of the problems and solutions to PMO addiction.
So far, not Googling for porn is easy. Not masturbating has been hard however, but helped by the fact that I read about the “prone position”; part of my masturbation was done that way, and I was tempted to do so this week. Reading that this is an even more destructive way of masturbating scared me to the point where I decided to ban it, even after I recover. Didn’t realize it was so much of a problem before. I feel shameful really.
But knowing that I am recovering is making me having fantasies. What do you think of if I tell you “do not think of a pink elephant”? Let me guess: you think of a pink elephant; in the same fashion, I try to forget that I am in recovery, but that very fact pops in my mind all the time.
When I daydream at the office, or see an attractive girl, I feel horny, get flashes of porn scenes I liked, and I mix them with what I see. I simply feel huge cravings. These are causing me massive problems. I try to block the thoughts, since it’s part of the recovery process; when they come, I just throw in a picture of a guitar – I love music and playing the guitar. It soothes me to an extent.
I get the occasional morning boner, no physical problem in fact, but if I see a glimpse of a woman, of a picture on the internet (facebook is hell in that regard), I don’t get erections but that very same rush that has caused me to binge many times before; the Pavlovian conditioning in all its glory. If that is not addiction then I don’t know what is.
I absolutely have to keep these fantasies away, because for the rest, I feel like I am improving. In the mirror in the morning, I don’t see that meaningless porn addict in front of his miserable computer anymore. I am gaining self-confidence, I am feeling worthy again. For the rest, it is too soon to make any conclusion.