Porn and/or Masturbation - in Relation to Anxiety

Submitted by Aimee717 on
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DISCLAIMER: I don't have any PhD.and I am no Expert. Everything I share is according to my personal experiences and views.
Some are from what I have read/heard and how I interpret the information.

I am a Porn and Masturbation addict. I know when it started, I know how I started but what I didn't know was WHY it started.

Masturbation was the first thing I tried. Back when I was doing it, I didn't have a word for it. I first discovered clitoris stimulation when I was sexually molested by my relative (as I said on my first blog) - but it didn't feel right. My first pleasurable clitoris stimulation was when I was around 11 years old. Like i said, I didn't have a word for it. Its discovery of great pleasure was when once I sat astride on the pillow that it hit my clitoris. I didn't know clitoris or masturbation. What I did know was it felt good. It was like a great wave of electricity centered on my vaginal area. I enjoyed it and explored ways of pillow fucking. When I have the privacy to do it, I would do it. I never got satisfied. I'd explore more of ways in that pillow fucking.

When I was a teenager, I heard the term FF (Finger Fuck). My curiosity spiked, so I went online to learn what it is. And with one word, a lot of porn websites popped on the screen. I viewed masturbation videos and trying to copycat the acts. At first it wasn't that amazing, I didn't know where to touch, and how to touch it. Finger penetration was eeky (in my mind) , even if I was already wet. The act then was making me guilty and I saw myself dirty. I was finding a way to make it pleasurable, exploring right spots. It was my guilty pleasure. There were times I would do it twice to 3 times a day. Sometimes I won't do it for a few weeks to months. I usually stop myself from doing it because when I'm in so much heat, I'd do it almost every day, that I feel so guilty and sinful.

All the way through college, and my professional life, I will once in a while masturbate. I'd prefer the clitoral stimulation more than finger fuck but I made some varieties as to how to do it. I will feel great reaching orgasms. I'd feel good. And when satisfaction is at hand, I will feel guilty.

When I had my professional work, I was able to own a laptop. I began to watch porn. I enjoyed everything I watch and I'd get extremely wet and aroused. I could spend an entire night watching and getting wet. I also touch myself while watching, imagining it was me who was being fucked. I could do watch it everyday. Any time I can watch I would. I would spend hours of my internet time watching it.

Then I started going on cybersex. At first everything was just chat sex. I'd get aroused with just that. Then when I got used to the chat sex, I began to watch guys masturbating. It excited me more. Then there was an online friend that encouraged me to try masturbating on cam, I started it. We were masturbating while watching each other. It was great, and we'd do it on a weekly basis. We were exclusively doing that. I can't do it with anyone online but only with that online friend. He was making me feel good about myself, that I'd capitalize on his accepting and wanting behavior that made me unabashed about showing off to him. Just hearing him moan would make me so aroused, and I'd do the same for him.

I'd change my pleasuring strategies from masturbating to watching porn, to cybersex. Sometimes I'd do them altogether. Sometimes on different occasions. I was a slave of my personal wants of pleasure.

WHAT IS IT'S RELATIONSHIP TO ANXIETY?

I suffered depression (not clinically diagnosed) to it's maximum when everything fell apart. I didn't got the job I wanted, I had my recent breakup, my savings went down the drain, a few friendship went bad. My aunt noticed that I was getting worse by the day. My daily activity then was just eat , sleep and isolate myself. At times, I'd go online just to have cybersex with random people I chat with. I even go to masturbating in front of the cam while watching the guy on the other end masturbating. It was a cycle.

My aunt talked to me and asked me why I was depressing. She sensed the negative energies I expelled. I underwent an informal emotional psychotherapy (she was my therapist). We just dug into my childhood insecurities. And with that, she gave me the independence to explore myself emotionally. And during this exploration, I found out that I am afraid of rejection. And when I feel rejected, my anxiety gets uncontrolled. And to relieve myself from anxiety, I'd masturbate to feel good about myself. After the pleasure, I'd feel guilty, feel unaccepted again and the cycle goes on like that. There are also incidents wherein I'd feel unwanted, and I'd go to my guilty pleasure and masturbate.

I was ruled over by my anxiety that I resort to masturbation every time I encounter things that makes me anxious. When I feel bored I masturbate. When I feel I need something out of my routine, I masturbate. Sometimes of an unknown reason, I just wake up and masturbate in the middle of the night. When I feel like I want some masturbation I would watch porn. Or I would chat with my online friend and we'd do cybersex for hours. I came to a point when I became dependent on my guilty pleasures. All I feel is that they are the only good and happy moments in my life. Anything else that I experience is not good. I became negative about everything that does not involve my addiction.

It took me a CONSCIOUS EFFORT to say to myself STOP IT! I would have months of latency. That too became part of the cycle.
Latency - Anxiety - Masturbation - Guilt then back to Latency

At present, I admit I still masturbate, but the intensity and my need is not that too much already. I still have feelings of rejections when depression arises. I now watch romantic porn compared to before random porn that are sometimes expressive of lust , not love. I now enjoy romantic porn, and I masturbate with love for myself and not as a means of releasing anxieties. I am slowly getting rid of my negative feelings towards myself. I starting to want and accept myself in order for my anxiety not to affect me.

I am changing my view in life now. Thinking positive. Counting the blessings. Appreciation of the good things, and not be negative on the bad moments. I accept bad moments as part of life with lessons to learn for growth. I still relapse and still think negative, but I make the effort to see it on another light. I remind myself that everything I experience GOOD or BAD, are part of my growth.

IN CONCLUSION

Our addiction, may it be in SEX, MASTURBATION, PORN or even GAMBLING is our way to feel good about ourselves. When our anxieties controls us, we become slaves of our pleasuring. The cycle goes on and on, unless we make a conscious effort to STOP.
Our CONSCIOUS EFFORT is our first step to a newer US. It is not an overnight process, but with our willingness to make our lives and our world better. It is difficult, we can get frustrated, we can relapse any time. I had a lot of relapses. Going back to square ONE. But as I dug deeper, and knowing what I wanted, I am again on my way to Recovery and hopefully will be a success. I know I will be successful in my Recovery Stage. It might take time, but I will be patient with myself.

Our RECOVERY starts with OUR CONSCIOUS EFFORT TO STOP
Followed by LOVE and ACCEPTANCE of OURSELVES
Everything else will follow

Thank you!

It's always good to look at

childhood issues and learn your patterns and how to love yourself.

However, I just want to say that many, many people who recover from addictions discover that the effects on their brains of the addiction itself were contributing enormously to their anxiety.

They figure this out only after they have quit for months...and notice that the depression and anxiety have often lifted. This makes perfect sense, by the way, once you understand how addiction dysregulates the brain in the same circuits that are at the heart of depression and anxiety.

Have you watched Gary's series? http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series

Have you read the kinds of benefits people report when they unhook from their addiction? BENEFITS

It sounds like you're doing very well at making big changes in your life. What's next? How long are the latency periods? Are you taking steps to meet new partners? Ideas here: ♦Tools to Connect

Thank you

Thank you Marnia!

I never knew that how I react to stress was the reason why I got addicted. Thankfully, I have an aunt who is exploring emotional psychology, and now starting on a process of spiritual psychology. She shares how by genetics that we are also unknowingly inherit same pattern of reaction to anxiety. I don't know too much about it, but by observing my reactions to stresses, I discovered how my cycle goes. The longest latency I had was about 10 months. That was when I had work and was too busy to think of something else.

For now, I am in my personal process of unloading my personal childhood insecurities, accepting myself as a whole, good trait or bad trait, I have to start loving myself. I think I lost my love for myself because of my past, and that I always go back to my bad past to find fault in me. I am refocusing my mind to think positive despite all the negativities in the past. Capitalizing on my strengths, and accepting my weaknesses as part of me.

With regarding steps to new partners, I am open to find friends. But partners in an intimate/dating way, I have not thought about it yet. I am into spending more time for myself. Getting to know myself a whole lot better.

Thank you for the sites you have suggested. I will look into them.

Aimee

i'm a big believer in...

substitute behaviors.

Finding out how an activity serves us, and replacing that with something else.

Getting to sleep. Overcoming anxiety (at least acute anxiety if masturbation increases anxiety in the longer run as it seems to in some cases). Providing something to do. And so forth.

Then, the successful strategy is to find other activities to substitute for the ones you want to avoid.

"If I get into this situation where normally I would have masturbated, THEN instead I will do this..." is a great idea too. So you replace the old behavior with the new one, and if you do get into a situation where you would have masturbated, you use the new tools you have decided on in advance. It's much easier.

For instance, if I am addicted to eating cookies and ice cream every day, I would instead say "I will not buy cookies or ice cream. So I won't have any in the house. Instead I'll buy fruit and have it around the house. And if I am tempted to go to the store to buy cookies and ice cream, then instead I'll eat an orange or an apple, and then if I'm still hungry I'll eat another piece of fruit."

It takes a few months for cravings to die down, but this strategy does work. I believe the best substitute behavior for masturbation and porn is cuddling and bonding with someone. That seems to make it so much easier. It isn't intuitive, but it works. It satisfies the same urges and seems to calm the brain down so the cravings for addictive activities or substances are much easier to deal with or in many cases go away entirely.

This is a great idea!

emerson

I have found a substitute activity for my addiction, and that is baking/cooking, whatever it is called. I love food, not addicted to it, but I love to explore food tastes, re-inventing old recipes, making them better for my taste.
I think when my PMO is on its peak, it is because I am always bored or that my schedule of activities have a lot of free time in between.

And preparing food is something that is difficult to be perfected. I don't get frustrated if I can't make it right in a lot of tries. Instead I am more challenged to do better than the previous. It makes it more enjoyable to me.

With regards to cuddling and bonding with someone, at my present state, I would say it might not work for me. Maybe when I already on latency for a lot of months. I have a clingy attitude, and if my partner wouldn't give me attentions, I would feel rejected, (thus my cycle will come back).

Thank you very much for the tips. I will start with exercise activity, jogging or walking.
I will give updates when I start the entire REBOOTING.

Activity replacement

I agree that replacement behaviors do work, and the key thing to remember is that it won't immediately flip the switch. Anxiety/stress-driven masturbation - with or without being able to evaluate potential developmental causes or contributions - can be a very self destructive place to be. As compared to the far more common P/M/O addiction - and I'm not minimizing it either, just count myself lucky to have not suffered it - to the one who suffers from a stress/anxiety driven addiction - i tend to call it "escapist" because that's what it was for me - it can be just as vicious and helpless a struggle to try to conquer - and by no means do I consider it conquered, but my wife and I have started to get a handle on it and are day by day, step by difficult step, starting to feel like there's light at the end of my/our tunnel.

You are correct!

Lazarus,

It took me a session of emotional psychotherapy to discover that my addiction is Anxiety/Stress induced. You are right, even my personal therapist said it was my way to escape my anxiety. To find my feel good center, that is why I do PMO.

I discovered that what causes me anxiety is my mind. I think a lot of things, not even relevant. And I unconsciously worry about them when the problem I perceive to have does not even exist. I became a slave of my unconscious self, worrying what happens of my future, when no one, not even I will ever know.

On my baby steps to recovery, I am on my emotional psychotherapy. I personally explore how my mind works. And constantly remind myself that what I worry are not existing. And that I deal with my future on a NOW basis. Also I am emotionally accepting and loving my WHOLE Self. I think the guilt in the cycle of my addiction is because I did not acknowledge nor accepted MYSELF who did the act. With this realization, now I can understand why people in Help groups would say
"HI I am ______ and I am an ADDICT" - it is a way of acknowledging you self, thus by acknowledgment acceptance to oneself happens.

You are right that every step is a very difficult step to make. And by the help of others, like people here in REUNITING, we can all help each other.

Thank you

Yes indeedy

I have the patience for it via the previously discussed means - Liesl, not so much, which also yields consistency hurdles at times. I simply don't set unrealistic goals for myself, i try to balance between the "I can do this, no problem, long as I set my mind to it", and the "face it, I'm a Liesl porn addict, and always will be". For the present, I'm solid with not being able to succumb to the compulsive stress related urges when they happen - which isn't as often - it's just the way they tend to lurk waiting for a weak moment.

Right On!

I think every addiction waits our vulnerable moments to strike.
I have formulated a step by step plan to my recovery.
I will share them as soon as I can.

Is it more advisable to reboot doing simultaneous changes? Or better if I do one change at a time?
Or does it depend on individuals?

I would gladly take comments on my plan once I complete them.

Thank you

Thank you for that suggestion

Thank you for that suggestion.

I think you are right, the fact that if I want to remove all of them at one time, frustrations might happen.
I'll post my plans as soon as they are completed.

Thanks again Marnia!

Thank you.

Thank you.

I know this community will not only help me but also other addicts!
I will share my journey toward my healing and rebooting.

Hi Aimee717

Instead of masturbating, try just holding your breasts and send them love. If you are rebooting it will have a soothing effect, and either way it will help bring you more into touch with your inner sexuality.

First try - FELT GOOD! But I don't know if I did it right.

Treehouse,

Thank you for that suggestion.

I tried to make love to my body. I like the sound (Making Love to My Body). I never thought I could feel great with your suggestion. I love my ex's hands on my breast. When he holds or caresses it. Our lovemaking then would be interrupted when he sucks them. There were times I don't feel tickles but most of the time it is so ticklish it ruins the moment. I only don't feel the tickle when I'm the one who touches it. But I never felt any loving sensation when I am the one caressing it.

Just earlier, after reading your suggestion, I made my first trial to MAKE LOVE TO MY BODY. It felt different from my masturbation. Before when I do clitoral stimulation, with nipple stimulation, it was good, but the sensation I felt earlier was more amazing than with just masturbation.

What I did. When I showered, I focused my loving caress to my body. I started with paying attention to my senses while I was massaging my scalp. It was really odd, my mind was still, my scalp was so receiving of the pressure from my fingers. It was an overwhelming feeling of joy. Was different, I can't put exact words to it. Then when I soaped my body, I focused to where my fingers would touch. From my neck going down to my feet. I massaged every part of me. Slow and steady. Not as if I was in a hurry. It felt so great.

I spent more time with my breasts as you have suggested that I caress them instead of my clitoris. It wasn't in a manner of grabbing them or trying hard to make my nipples hard (like the way I did before) but in a more loving caress manner. It was slow and steady and equal. It was an amazing feeling! I don't know how fast it was but I was so hard (no feeling of hunger on my clitoris). There were instances my mind would say "it's time to rub your clit" but I refocused my mind on my loving caress and sensation. It was really different.!
When I moved my hands to other parts of my body that needed my loving caresses, every sensation felt the same. I felt so good about my body.

When I was done with soaping and was washing. I was curious if what I did was right because it was my first try. So I checked, and I was amazed that I was wet! And my fluid was still oozing out of my entrance! I washed myself off, finishing my showering. And even after all the soap was gone, my wetness still continues to flow out. I continued making love to my body til I was drying my hair, my body with my towel, paying attention to the softness of the cloth. And even until then my wetness flows out.

I enjoyed it and not felt guilt about it. It made me appreciate my entire body as a whole and not as one part to the other.

It was a great experience.

Thank you