Porn / Masturbation Addiction & My Life

Submitted by Silus_85 on
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Hi everyone,I'm new here,just found the site...really glad i did!

So basically porn and over masturbation has ruined my life completely.I'm 27 and iv'e been single for over 5 years.recently (the last 12 months or so - i say recently because this addiction started when i was like 18) iv'e really accepted and acknowledged how much my addiction is affecting me.i isolate,have been diagnosed with major depression and generalised anxiety disorder.i basically have nothing in my life apart from my immediate family,no hobbies outside of the house,i have some friends,but because of my addiction and depression and anxiety,i pretty much only leave the house if i have to.which sometimes can be weeks at a time without leaving my property.my story starts here:

When i was 12,i had a problem with my foreskin not retracting (i hope that's the word for it?) properly,so i had to be circumcised.i think this had a huge effect on me,right at the start of puberty.since then iv'e always thought my penis was ugly...and disfigured,it doesn't look "normal" the head is rough/cracked..much more noticeable when erect,and i hate it...iv'e never been comfortable with it,through research iv'e discovered this is not uncommon for circumcised men,it did give me some comfort knowing I'm not some rare case/freak.but it still didn't even come close to giving me closure/peace of mind.

Through high school and early adulthood i had several girlfriends,never comfortable with my penis....getting oral sex or having my GF explore my penis fully was very uncomfortable for me could never really 'relax' and just enjoy it because i was so ashamed and embarrassed of it....i had one long term relationship that lasted like 4 years...no girl has actually ever said "whats wrong with your dick!" or anything like that,still i can't seem to let go of the low self esteem issues i have around my penis.iv'e even been to a doctor about it,who as well said it was "normal",but...i want a smooth shiny glans...like most guys have.

with porn...there's no judging,your alone and can feel completely relaxed and escape into fantasy..this is the reason why i loved porn so much...i could 'be me' and not worry about feeling so self conscious about myself.without boring people going on and on about the rest of the issues iv'e had,i know i have to get this sorted ASAP...im not getting any younger,im a handsome guy,never had any problems when i was younger with meeting girls...now it just seems impossible...every day i feel like crap,from the depression symptoms,i have anxious bouts every day...on my "bad days" i lie on the couch all day feeling as if im waiting to die,im in therapy (only been twice) i have not told her about the porn/masturbation yet.i think for me...the porn/masturbation thing is my main issue here,iv'e tried to stop before,but i have intense cravings after not even 1 day,the most i have ever gone is 2 weeks...last week i got to 4 days....then had the worst 2 days ever,felt utterly horrible lethargic,anxious...just a really weird feeling,general malaise etc.then i had a porn binge,the next day felt O.K again...so those 2 bad days were obviously withdrawals? i just felt really anxious for no reason,irritable,lonely...i think to myself A LOT "i'll never have a GF/wife...never have kids...who could love me?"...so all of this is just a vicious circle that is controlling my life...im truly addicted because i use porn as an escape....it's honestly the only thing i get any pleasure out of anymore.so im on day 4 now....does anyone have any advice? how long should i go without masturbating? and are withdrawal symptoms normal? if so how long can they last and what experiences have you guys had? this is the FIRST time iv'e ever admitted this in such detail about my life story/addiction issues..so please go easy on me.because as you can imagine it's very embarrassing,i love life and women...i just want (and deserve) a normal decent life...and im willing to do whatever it takes to overcome this horrible stage of my life and move on..sorry for the massive rant LOL.but yeah....give me some feedback on what you guys think,has the porn and masturbation caused me to socially isolate and become depressed and have anxiety? etc...thanks for reading.

Thanks for sharing your story

First, get all the support you can, and if you choose your therapist for part of the support you may want to consider saying you're working on an addiction. (If you say it's to Internet porn, be prepared to have to educate your therapist, as many have been taught that it's impossible to become addicted to porn. See http://yourbrainonporn.com/discussion-board) Also, check out these two forums, so you have plenty of online support:

YOURBRAINREBALANCED.COM

REDDIT.NoFap

Second, there's only one way to find out how much of your anxiety is due to your addiction. It sounds like quite a bit of it could be addiction-related, given that your past was quite different from your present.

Third, have you explored YBOP? http://yourbrainonporn.com There are many stories like yours. Spend some time there. It will ease your mind. Also get clear about the withdrawal symptoms, because the "brain worms" can get worse before they get better, just as you have experienced. What does withdrawal from porn addiction look like?

Finally, to prepare for the future, start telling your penis it's beautiful. Smile Seriously. Your subconscious will believe what you tell it, and if you believe that, so will your partners. As you said...not one ever threw you out of bed for "ugly penis." I can assure you that genitals of both sexes come in amazing variety and all are lovable. In any case, a penis is a tool for connection, not a work of art. It's only porn films that create unrealistic standards for body parts. And here's another suggestion: if oral sex is making you feel too self-conscious, skip it for now. Just focus on other foreplay behaviors, and glide right into gentle intercourse. Lovemaking doesn't have to follow the porn script. Ever. Oral sex has not always been such a center-stage activity. You can come back to it once the two of you are better acquainted, if you wish. Finally, don't hesitate to talk about insecurities when the moment is right. Chances are your partner will also have some insecurities about her attractiveness thanks to our porn culture today. It may bring you closer.

Thanks for your reply.

Thanks for your reply.

that's what i was worried about,my therapist not knowing about porn addiction.maybe i should try and find someone who specialises in the field.i really don't feel like having to try and explain something I'm only just starting to learn about myself to her.

i'll have a browse of those sites you linked me to.im amazed at how many people actually suffer from this.i really see what you mean about unrealistic standards from porn,making normal guys feel inferior.

im sure i'll be able to find some info on it,but in your experiences etc,how long can withdrawal symptoms last? and how long should i go without masturbating? i was thinking 2 weeks at first.of course not using porn while doing it.

im starting to understand the power of positive thinking,but i do have a long LONG way to go before i'll be able to have a normal productive lifestyle again.my 2 biggest issues from my addiction and depression/anxiety is of course the social isolation,i have good support form my immediate family,so im not completely alone...but as i said i don't leave the house often,so theres that.and self esteem,i can't even feel comfortable enough around women to flirt with them,or ask them out...let alone go on a date.so a lot of confidence building is needed,it's going to be hard.people have overcome things MUCH worse than mine and lead happy and productive lives with wives/GF's etc,so theres no reason why i can't as well.i often found myself thinking "i can't change,i can't be 'normal'...again people have been in much worse situations than mine and overcome it.

thanks again.

Everyone is different

You can see one guy's withdrawal mood chart on this page (scroll down): http://yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-accounts Recovery isn't linear. That is, even after you start having good days, you can still have some bad days.

On top of that, most guys who started young, and have ED due to porn use, go through a "flatline" where their libido disappears before it bounces back to normal. It's almost as if the brain has to "wipe the slate clean" as far as sexual associations go, and start over.  There's lots of good information about that on YBOP under ED & Porn. Also watch Gary's slide shows in the righthand column.

Just know that the belief that you're different and you can't heal is just one of many rationalizations your brain will come up with for keeping you stuck in your addiction. Wink Don't fall for it. Withdrawal is very tough, but it does end. Warn your family that you may act like a zombie for a while, or have any of many other symptoms (see WITHDRAWAL ). Get their support. Spend time around them. Stay off your computer as much as possible, because Internet porn addiction is an Internet addiction more than it's a sex addiction.

Come up with ideas for leaving the house. Go walk around the mall and practice making eye contact and smiling. Sit in a coffee house and do the same. Check out these options: ♦Tools to Connect

Learn to regulate your mood without using your addiction. Exercise and meditation are proven methods, and there are others too: ♦Solo Tools

You can do this. It may not even take as long as you think. It's roughest at first, so be prepared. You're right that people have been in worse situations than yours and recovered. There are many recover stories at the link in the top line. Just scroll down past the graphs.

How are you going to block porn on your computer? Ideas here: COMPUTER.PAGE Time to take command!

 

 

8 Days

Thanks for the links.

My erections are never as strong/hard as they used to be,my libido is completely flatlined.
im on day 8,iv'e had a few times where i become slightly aroused and barely get half an erection.and to be honest....iv'e had like 3 minor urges to use porn and masturbate...which is quite surprising...usually my libido is through the roof 24/7....always has been.probably because i REALLY realised i had a problem and decided to do something about it.....im actually very impressed with my self control at the moment.

iv'e deleted all the porn on my iMac over 500GB :/ and have deleted all the bookmarked porn sites and forums i used.to be honest i feel 'cleaner' and refreshed...good feeling.tonight i started getting lonely (one of the urges came tonight),can really see the pattern now,how i use it to escape my problems etc.

also (this is embarrassing) my penis looks 'healthier'....the skin tone and generally looks better.
i was reading this article on damage to the soft tissue in the penis due to excessive masturbation,scary stuff.

so will the ED cease after my brain re-wires and heals...as well as my penile tissue?.....i couldn't tell you the last time i woke up hard in the morning....maybe semi a few times that's about it.

sure it all heals

and your erections will be fine. Morning erections, all of it, will even out and be fine. And if you end up trying Karezza you can find a whole new world where none of this really matters to you anymore, truly, in the sense that it is no longer a concern. Freedom lies in this direction :)

 

Thanks for your reply

well I'm on day 9 now.....very strange feeling really.

i really think my 'issues' IE: depression & anxiety have all stemmed from my masturbation and porn addiction,the only underlying thing i can really see at the moment is my low self esteem/confidence,which is what ultimately lead me to become addicted.and iv'e had this problem since i reached puberty,around 11 - 12 years of age.although now at 27..i REALLY took a look at myself and what i thought was "what the F*** am i doing!" so i really think it's a mixture between withdrawals (im not having any urges really though? nothing strong really) and me just totally and completely saying to myself iv'e had enough of this 'life' iv'e been living,which is basically a hermit's life,with no hope...stuck in a depression.one thing i struggle with the most is the thought of "im weird,im not normal,and i never will be,therefor i will never have another GF,never get married....im destined to be alone" <--- that's a very daunting thought at 27....scary,it's a very dark place.
im not horny...at all really.

lately iv'e been way more positive,since i started therapy and making this decision to change.i can and will (and 100% deserve) a normal life,the wife the kids the 9 - 5 boring job with a few pets....thats what i consider normal anyway....i know it's a long way away,because i do have a lot more than just the porn addiction to sort out,i have to build up my self confidence...another daunting thought.

so atm my symptoms are:

no libido
agitated at times,other times im just...blank really.
my penis kind of feels cold....which i read on YBOP is a 'normal' thing.

one thing i haven't been able to find info on is....how long should i 'wait' before i masturbate/ejaculate? iv'e seen some guys go up to 80 days or more,other 30....is it just when you feel...'ready' ? or when your getting full erections in the morning and normal erections during the day? thank you so much for all the support and info this forum offers...such a relief i found this place.

boring job?

Sorry to veer off topic a bit but... If you work 40 hours a week, that's about 1/3 of your awake hours. Doesn't it make sense to try to do work that you actually enjoy?

getting worried....

wow so my libido is completely gone,no erections for 9 days,when i think about women...nothing,it's completely dead....my penis feels useless.the thought of a super model in front of me right now...does nothing for me.i read that this is normal,and i shouldn't 'test' to see if i can get an erection,im sure i could if i forced myself to...but that's not what i want...i want to get 100% hard naturally....how long am i looking at? is there a possibility this could be permanent? HELP.i feel so un-manly.

Yep, it's normal

I remember when the first men here went through that "flatline." I was panicked on their behalf...wondering if they had made their situation worse. But so far all have improved and most have returned to full erectile health. Phew! It can take weeks, though, so enjoy the "vacation" from your libido for now. Don't fret.

I'm glad you have support. This can be tough to get through on your own. Here are two more good forums if you need to reassure yourself:

REDDIT.NoFap

YOURBRAINREBALANCED.COM

The anxiety is normal, too, during withdrawal. There are lots of good techniques for coping with it here: http://yourbrainonporn.com/solo-tools Try a few and see what works for you.

I'm proud of you for tackling this. It takes a lot of courage.

*big hug*