Submitted by muse_guy on
Printer-friendly version

Not just porn, but obsessed with a certain porn star.
Not one I just found and getting off on for now and move on, been some time now, years that is.
I love masturbating to her, have a fetish for her innie navel, adore her toes, once fetishes but always picky about the types and she sure is perfect to me in those areas, so no others will do. I also I'm addicted to using a vibrator ( yes I am a guy ), love the tingling sensation that I love to experience for my muse, Goddess.
New here and had to get that out, I do know its not healthy mentally or physically.
I also feel she is not porn, just a nude model, no vids, just in a popular men's Mag, P.H., I know its still porn.
To write this is just is just a excuse to seek help and get off on wanting attention to further my need to share I masturbate to my muse, and why not?, well its not respectful and puts me on thin ice, but trying to be honest.
There is some tension from me in what I want to express.
I feel the poster boy for addiction and goddess worship, obsession and just all that can be bad, but I don't feel it.
I do not blame porn, and don't feel guilty after masturbating all day ( there are those days..lol ).
I actually have a life, yep other hobbies, friends, I feel pretty good, to say I'm a happy masturbator, like my muse, as what a muse is, to inspire and she does ( she does not know ), but take care of myself, never know meeting her one day is better odds then winning the lotto. I know we all want, not perfection, but want to be taken away from desires, and get back on track. Its a tricky thing, sometimes a desire is what makes us who we are.
Going back to my bad situation, I pushed a lady away that had a thing for me, and I messed up saying something of my dream girl in the moment of passion, not right and all one me. We stayed friends, and maybe end up together, if not, rather have some honesty.
I don't want to disrespect anyone, and don't care to push others into feeling its good to think a form of addiction can be good, to each their own.
That being said...feel better getting that out...
Love to learn to enjoy masturbation right after ejaculation better.
Love to share more.

Welcome

This isn't really a porn/muse recovery forum anymore. Why not try one of these?

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php

YOURBRAINREBALANCED.COM

NoFap.org

r/Pornfree

REDDIT.NoFap

Everything we've learned from the men recovering is collected here: www.yourbrainonporn.com

I'm not sure porn is really the issue for you. But it might be worth unhooking from pixelated stimulation (and masturbation fantasy based on it) for a few months, just to see if your real life girlfriends look hotter. Often guys report a big shift in their perceptions of real women once they stop getting off to pixels. Guys Who Gave Up Porn: On Sex and Romance | Your Brain On Porn

Good luck. And suggestion: when you get serious about making a change, don't write out all that detail about Miss Hot's charms. It's a way of deepening your association. Just keep turning your attention elsewhere.

Marnia

do you mean you thought of me? If so not sure why? Fetishes perhaps?
I understand it is not a girl, with all respect Marnia you seem to be passing a lot of people to these other sites that's ok but should we still give them a detailed answer perhaps they like it here.

Replies....

Thankful for the time spent to reply to me, and I tried the links given, just same old, and I admit maybe not right for me here, but have to try.
I think I understand what " PMO" means, and fetishes, all the bad it brings.
" that's not a girl...", point well taken.
Be easy for me if it was a porn issue as vague as most make it to be, and maybe so.
I had a pretty good porn collection, and at one time grew when I got on internet in late 90's, was fun to see it all, collect to go back to see..., see what got me on the spur of the moment, and really not good, but had it saved, for a reason, to see if I find it good again, goes on and on.
For whatever reason ( we know why ), I just let it go, trashed it all. The more porn I found the more I hated it.
To say I like feet, navel's as a fetish, just that, a abyss of perversion, does not matter what it looks like, just as long as it is shown...I don't want to be like that!
Call her a Muse,..( muse is inspiration ), respect as good as can be.
At first nothing to go on.
Again, " not a girl...", a single photo does not show what she is about. age a factor, to go on a physical desire alone, best of luck to me, not going to be paradise not to mention other things, really why bother?, she never even was a good porn star, so many new young pretty gals, ongoing, but always not right.
Not porn anymore for me, let that go.
I look at myself, so I don't expect her to be all that, and on her worse day she would scare me into submission to her...she is a mess, then what can I expect from those not her? Maybe a guy thing, we are visual, why you gals get us anyway.
Just more rambling from me.
Its hard for me, some get it, and yet I feel lost.
I sometimes feel those who want to help don't really get it, why would one who has it all together still hang around here?
I know and your better then me for doing so.

I can relate

to porn star addiction. I recognize in myself the strong affinity I have for certain porn stars. There are a handful of stars I have an addiction to; in a way, thoughts of them, images in my mind of how they move, seduce, perform sex acts, etc. speak to some idealized version of sex that took root in my mind over the course of many years. I am addicted to my idea of these women because they, more than porn itself, draw me to the fantasies where that idealized notion of sex takes on a concrete form, albeit in my imagination. I was never interested in random porn with random girls. It was always carefully selected.

Of course it's a lie. Many lies, in fact. The most obvious lie is that it's not a girl, it's a picture of a girl. We know this. But our brain obviously doesn't. If it did, it wouldn't be interesting; thus easy to avoid.

Another lie: they are telling me they want me. Of course they don't want me - they don't know me, aren't aware I'm looking at them (their picture, actually). They do want something though; they want my attention on their pictures, and ultimately, they want my money.

Another lie: sex is a physical thing only; it's just bodies coming together and getting off. This idealized idea of sex (created in my early teens and which my favorite porn stars trigger in my mind) is all about using a woman's body for my pleasure. What a selfish thing to do! I've discovered (through Karezza with my wife) that this is only one way to approach sex; one that is sooooo much less enjoyable and less satisfying than the other path: the one that is a manifestation of love between two people. After so many years of abusing porn and the resultant mind-twistage, I never thought myself capable of the latter. Thankfully, I was wrong.

Another lie: looking at their pictures and videos will make me feel good. It doesn't - it makes me feel bad, actually. Just like any drug, you only feel "good" when you are using. You feel bad all the rest of the time.

Porn stars are just doing a job, in front of a camera, with a supporting staff coaching them on everything (makeup, poses, how to move, etc) so as to be the most marketable (i.e. highly addictive). These lies they are telling you are told on purpose, to hook you.

So why would you want to continue to be a puppet, allowing this woman ('s picture) to manipulate your thoughts? Make no mistake - you are not using her, she is using you. You are the one being used. It was that realization that made me angry enough to quit porn and porn fantasy. I choose not to use heroin. I've never tried it, so that choice is easy for me. Choosing not to use porn or porn fantasy is much harder, since I have tried it (a lot) and have worn some pretty deep ruts in my brain that make quitting really hard to do once I start using. Of course, the choice is yours; just try to be aware of what the choice is so you can say you made it consciously.

I counter your post about

I counter your post about just a handful of porn stars, to say that you are still just a casual porn fan, not one really fit your desire. I again will debate my goddess is not porn, no movies, so she is good because she has to do so little.
I did try to let her go for sometime, got into a relationship that...glad out of, got back into porn and that just was a abyss of nothing. I swear the more porn I got into the more I found hints here and there of what I like and next thing I know...tons of crap, more and more just to learn I like the little things. I also know most in addiction just change on thing for another.
I never feel upset after a good masturbation to my gal, she inspires me to take of myself. I have to give that to her, being a puppet, used, I go with that, but inspired to clean up my life to know what I like and hold true, no bad feelings, and not putting blame anywhere, not those who have got money from me for a pic of her, not her overall, takes two to tango and in the end its her and I being used don't you think?
I can and what to debate this all day, make a case of it all for good reason, but in the end just goes no where.
I have learned some with the responses I have gotten and re-read my posts that I come to a conclusion.
I chose my path, and happy with it, try to enjoy it.
I do think this kind of desire I have has merit to help others share for help and maybe I can put in perspective for some, maybe not. I will still be a member and chime in at times if okay?
Again, thanks for the replies.

It's not real

And you're not likely to find a real woman to be with who acts like your "goddess". That's because porn is lying to you about how women behave. I found that after giving up porn, I no longer wanted my wife to do certain specific things or move in a certain specific way. I realized those things were just an act designed to elicit a response, and frankly a bit ridiculous.

It's fine to live in fantasy if that's what you want. I never meant to imply that you are doing anything wrong. Just realize that at the end of the day, it's still just you wanking to your imagination. Even if you call it inspiration, muse whatever, it's still in your imagination, created entirely by you...in your mind. And it sounds like you're choosing that over being with real people. So telling yourself that it's good for you, that you're discovering your likes, etc. That's a rationalization. You're only discovering what you like in an imaginary woman; someone you can never actually be with. If that's your goal, then it's fine. But if you want to be with real women, then your goddess fantasy won't help you with that.

Even if you do find a girl who will act exactly like your goddess does, or even if you met her in person and got her to date you...it wouldn't last. Because you aren't appreciating her qualities as a human being; not having a connection with her soul-to-soul. That's what it takes. But don't take my word for it. Have a look at other posts to see how other people relate to these issues. I have learned A LOT from interacting here. It's a wonderful community full of people who are conscious, articulate, non-judgmental and helpful.

Finding your Goddess is possible

Sender,
Good post - the following caught my attention: [quote]And you're not likely to find a real woman to be with who acts like your "goddess". That's because porn is lying to you about how women behave.[/quote]
What my wife and I have discovered the past year is that during lovemaking we feel like we become each others sex god/goddess! It sounds silly talking about it, but at the moment its what we feel and we tell each other such.

I was hooked on porn for 35 years and experienced orgasms while looking at and fantasizing about many thousands of model perfect women. It certainly effected the way I perceived the beauty of my wife, since it is natural to compare. Since discovering the concept of Karezza, I found that I lost most of my interest in porn. (I say most because a part of me is still curious about it, but not enough to actually pursue it). Now when I'm making love with my wife I find myself fascinated by every square inch of her 43 year old, mother of 3 body! The so-called imperfections become character marks, and every blemish and wrinkle is a delight, and this sincere acceptance of her body just feeds into the wonderful energy in which we are enveloped.

Not allowing frequent orgasm to sabotage my fascination with her has allowed my brain to redefine what a perfect body is. My definition of perfect is those things that are unique to her, including all her so-called "flaws". Those things are the good stuff! Here's a quote from the movie Good Will Hunting:

[quote]“Sean: My wife used to fart when she was nervous. She had all sorts of wonderful little idiosyncrasies. She used to fart in her sleep. I thought I’d share that with you. One night it was so loud it woke the dog up. She woke up and went ‘ah was that you?’ And I didn’t have the heart to tell her. Oh!
Will: She woke herself up?
Sean: Ah...! But Will, she’s been dead for 2 years, and that's the shit I remember: wonderful stuff you know? Little things like that. Those are the things I miss the most. The little idiosyncrasies that only I know about: that's what made her my wife. Oh she had the goods on me too, she knew all my little peccadilloes. People call these things imperfections, but there not. Ah, that's the good stuff.[/quote]The fact that your lover doesn't fit the Hollywood stereotyped formula for what beauty is irrelevant when you are in Love.

So true

If life is a "perception game," then keeping your perception clear and loving is the key to lasting happiness. And that's why it's so important not to exhaust your sexual energy (deplete your key receptors).

Saw that movie....

Goodwill Hunting, and that little part of you described, and it does make a point. I remember another. " 10 " with Bo Derek, hot gal in my youth, but with age I got past the nudity and comedy of it, got the meaning. Perfect gal in image, go after her, track her down and she does give you time of day, she is far from the so called " 10 " one like me thinks, so far from even understanding, she cant even begin to, or care what you think you liked of her.
I had a co-worker, company broke up and we hooked up, long story short, I did things she liked and in it all I said " this is what I would do to my dream girl " and I swear at the time if you were there you would have heard what I did..."errr, scratch, squeak " of a needle of a record go astray ( hope you get the image ), messed up a good thing. She has moved on, but very close friends still. She knows who I like and she has someone now and I support her. better person then me, but she tries to understand me. She has been though a divorce, dated, hooked up now. I wanted to share a fail on my part, but then again its another perspective I guess.
Nobody perfect, and my Goddess has a lazy eye, take away makeup, offset nose, among other things, list goes on. Be easier if just porn was the issue for me, I could deal with that.
It helps to just express.

Marnia wrote:

[quote=Marnia]Your real-life partner or Miss Belly Button?[/quote]
To be honest, I will choose Miss Belly Button, as well as miss pretty feet, list goes on. Looks can go so far and yet the mind lives forever, point well taken. I she is just a little of what I think she is, good for me.

Wabi-Sabi - the Japanese art of imperfection

This thread reminds me of this style in Japanese art - it goes back a long way.

Here is one description, which is nice:
http://nobleharbor.com/tea/chado/WhatIsWabi-Sabi.htm

It's a little long, but skim down through to see some of the lovely details.

Here's Wikipedia:

"Wabi-sabi (侘寂?) represents a comprehensive Japanese world view or aesthetic centered on the acceptance of transience and imperfection. The aesthetic is sometimes described as one of beauty that is "imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete".[1] It is a concept derived from the Buddhist teaching of the three marks of existence (三法印 sanbōin?), specifically impermanence (無常 mujō?), the other two being suffering (苦 ku?) and emptiness or absence of self-nature (空 kū?).

"Characteristics of the wabi-sabi aesthetic include asymmetry, asperity (roughness or irregularity), simplicity, economy, austerity, modesty, intimacy and appreciation of the ingenuous integrity of natural objects and processes."

If you google this in "images" you'll really get it.

Ya, Ya....

I do not understand the question " Your real-life partner or Miss Belly Button? "
This " Wabi-Sabi " crap. I swear its like you all are just messing with me and makes me think that my so called Muse would not only be half what I think but also pester me with silly questions and facts like this, my response be, we got off, I did, shut up and let me watch the game, you make no sense! Always another, and no need to post here.
Wabi-Sabi , maybe I miss the point, but is it about finding beauty in imperfection? I don't care, never did about her being perfect, to my fault I did, but about being that to me, and acting the romantic, ya right.
Somebody asked me once, I finally got a picture of her toes, and her navel, why want more?, you seen it, nothing will change, been there done that, enjoy what else is out there. Good question. Never going to be, but what is for any of us? I don't know, maybe just understanding if enough.