On Practicality

Submitted by freedom on
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From time to time and maybe I’ve posted about it before, the topic of the lifestyle luxury of all we’re doing here has come up. Hotspring had a good post that I wanted to link to. It’s gone as it appears the user she replied to deleted his account and all his threads. Hope he’s still lurking. Building a lifestyle that supports balance is rather challenging in today’s world. Maybe I’m missing some aspect of this because of the added time it takes to maintain balance without a partner. Partner seeking is inherently destabilizing. There are only 168 hours in a week. If substantial time is going to healthy living (food, relationships, sex, sleep, fitness, mindfulness, learning/growth, play, etc.), that leaves less time for everything else. Throw in commutes, kids, busy work at work, technology slavery, etc. and it seems that, for many, balance could be rather hard to obtain. Even among younger people without kids, I’m finding that few have time for the interaction we all need. While I have the time at the moment, that’s worthless if I can’t find others with time. In some world, those with time might be the most desired. Maybe people back away because they know they don’t have that time.

How are others handling the practical side of making and keeping time for everything?

Are you talking about the

Are you talking about the argument for better time management to look for potential partners freedom? No person will ever create time for something they are not motivated to do. I agree that in today's society we are busier than ever before and looking for partners could be very time and resource consuming as well as destabilizing. Every relationship I've ever been in I have never sought them out, it just happened. They were either met at school, work or through an acquaintance. I also agree that one has to spend time with healthy living even if it comes naturally and hopefully one finds someone to share that with.

I do think it all boils down to motivation though, some people are motivated to make more time while others are not.

For the most part, we can't

For the most part, we can't pick partners. We can pick who we are receptive too and how we choose to put ourselves out there in the first place. That's perhaps the fool's game in online dating because it suggests that we do the picking rather than the choosing from who's interested. It's rather unnatural.

With many more isolated in their solo technobubble, it's become hard to meet anyone. I'm the type of person where I need to know someone for a while in various contexts before I can be reasonably interested. I don't immediately act on attraction. Sometimes women will do the initiating because I'm not sure about them yet. That usually fails because whatever stay back vibe I was getting gets validated as we get to know each other. When the initiating is more mutual, I find the women do too little to reciprocate and the relationships fizzle. Maybe everyone else is running at a different pace and expecting more faster.

It's not only time management to find partners. I'm finding others don't have time to develop relationships that could at least be interesting for a while. Even just friendships where there is obviously some mutual connection suffer. This is a long standing issue because I've tended to invest more into relationships than I get out. I don't mind that as long as I feel I'm getting something out. Lately, I've got many black holes. It's hard to get any recharge from these relationships.

I'm tired of looking. Yet, not looking seems like it didn't work for years either. Being home too much is part of the problem and yet when I was in social settings like school, I didn't get anywhere either. It must be something about me.

I'm sure you've heard this

I'm sure you've heard this before, but outside of spending time at home, what other things do you do? Do you live in a city, town, village etc that has a lot of things you can go do to just be around people? For me, I decided that I have to be single until I have this thing managed, the women I usually meet/date want to have sex and if I'm not able to help them out then the relationship will suffer. What other black holes do you have? I don't mean to pry, if it's too personal then you don't have to say.

I live in suburbia near a

I live in suburbia near a city. I do lots of random things. I've got time because I'm not doing anything routine at the moment. I'm still not out that much. Some of that is intentionally as part of my socializing diet. All the doing didn't seem to be healthy or beneficial. It's seeking and not satisfying. I'd rather use my energy for other things I want to do. For a while, I went to yoga classes nearly daily. That was healthy, though not fulfilling socially. It gets expensive and takes over one's life. Again, the practicality issues come up. A hour plus of yoga a day is good, but how does one functionally make that happen. No working people seemed to go as often.

I've got plenty black holes outside of dating/friendships. Issues with family, aspects of my living situation that I will change at some point hopefully soon, finding some way to get satisfaction out of career, some health stuff taking some energy, etc. Maybe I'm projecting on others from the rest of my life.

I've tried to build female friendships, even some where sex isn't at issue because she's seriously involved, engaged, etc. That seems a dismal failure. Maybe I should give up and go back to more male friendships as I've had most of my life. Although, outside of school acquaintance type friendships, most of my connections have evaporated, even with men. I'm out of sight, out of mind because I don't use social networking. And with everyone busy, connections deteriorate. Yet, somehow people find me when they have some need.

Well, at least there is

Well, at least there is opportunity. I lived in a Suburb of LA for nine years, it sucked as far as dating goes because the majority of the people are families already. I also know what you mean by the yoga thing, you have to go in the evening of course when the people/women are off of work. With anything it's like that though. You may just need some down time still from your last relationship, especially if it took a toll on you. As far as your neuroplasticity question I completely believe that brain wiring can be done for good and bad. I mean, that is what brought us here in the first place, negative wiring of our brains. I haven't been on here in awhile, did you get control of your addiction or are you still fighting it?

Oh yes, it can get a lot

Oh yes, it can get a lot better from here.

In a sense, I'm fighting it and maybe always will be. Controlling usually doesn't work well, perhaps even for ourselves. Maybe I need to let something go. Things come and go. I might be free from orgasm for a month, then it might creep in for a while, usually because I need to learn something. I tend to let it come, learn, and move on rather than fighting it only to lose. Porn is for the most part gone (online dating can be almost as bad). Frustration doesn't help. I guess my coping skills still aren't adequate for the magnitude of my mess. There are cracks and they take energy to keep from crumbling.

I did yoga at all times of the day. There were always some people...smallest class was two. Many times, I was the only guy. Evenings can be too crowded and then I can't do other social things. On weekends, evening classes are harder to find. In a more urban setting, there might be more singles. Yoga isn't too social. Things like martial arts involve a lot more interaction. A local place is working on late night yoga parties for the summer. Yoga usually didn't lead to a lot of conversation unless it was about yoga. I mostly spoke to the instructors.

I'm open to new relationships. I figure if some people need to meet 1 in a 100 and I need to meet 1 in 200, that alone makes it much tougher. That's before factoring in many personality variables. Yes, we both only need that one person. It's just tiring to look with little feedback for one's efforts. I like feedback. Ideally, I'd just be out there doing something. Then women will as they always have find me.

Just last night I was out and some woman was interested. I was getting a weird vibe from something about her. I was open to her approaching. I just didn't feel like approaching her and was glad to get into a lengthy conversation with some other people. You women need to dial back the creepy factor. Or maybe it is me when I sense a woman is interested. It might have been her style. She had her hair covering too much of her face. When she got engaged with others and smiled, she seemed less creepy and even adjusted her hair to show more of her face. It could have been that she was distracted from focusing on her man-dar and I could turn down my woman-dar.

Hahaha, that's funny, her

Hahaha, that's funny, her "creepy factor." I felt the same way about yoga, I was almost always the only guy and only had minor conversations with others even though I'm very outgoing. Are you hooked on anything else, internet, video games, drugs or anything? Or on any medication? I know it's not the answer to everything but I really do believe that once someones dopamine is more balanced it will improve a lot of things in that person's life. If you are constantly doing things to deplete it or taking something that does then you have to figure out a way to get it back to balanced.

From your list, the only

From your list, the only possibility is the internet. Food maybe at times. I don't tend to like sweeter, fattier, carbier foods so even that becomes more of a quantity thing than a superstimulant thing. Maybe it's just my brain. Or maybe my brain works better with less balance.

It's odd. People suggest I have no idea when women are noticing me. It's true that if I'm engaged in something else, I might not sense it. However, most of the time I'm as observant as ever. My natural inclination is to deflect her attraction. Maybe it gets creepy when that fails. I've had some pretty intense gaze downs with classmates, never to be spoken about. I just wasn't interested based on what I already knew about her. I'm the willing to be single type even though it can suck.

I am too now. For most of my

I am too now. For most of my adult life I dated an enormous amount, unfortunately not really taking the girls' feelings into consideration. The past few years I've taken a break from dating to balance myself out. At first it sucked but now I'm pretty good with it. Why do you think you deflect the attention and attraction? Some people get lucky and meet the right person (not in a soulmate way, but in a right personality for a relationship way) others it takes longer.

Intuitively not the right

Intuitively not the right women. I don't do this with all women. With some, I'm more relaxed and open about their interest. It's just like possible friends. Some people, I feel connected to. Others, I feel more repulsion. Women who have pursued me around my resistance have not turned out to go anywhere significant. Our present values weren't aligned. They approached from lack of abundance and that was reflected in their personhood. Although I may seem needy from awareness, in actual relating, I'm pretty abundant. She can be in if she wants. My life isn't going to change much in order to get her own board. Maybe women want to feel more needed. I've lived this long alone. I've been all over this planet alone. I mostly share my being with close friends and family. To the extent that my own relationship will be even more open, she has to be receptive to whatever good and bad intensity I bring. I've had a tough time finding women who can handle me. They tend to freak out before they understand me. They tend to be very insecure about giving me feedback and seeing how I can be receptive to their needs. A lot and I suspect this is my age group are net yet able to be respectful of my boundaries and understanding that boundaries are fluid and adjustable once there is respectful togetherness. I'm confident that as my pool gets older, this will get easier. I've got to keep getting my life together and hope the women are not all too hurt from their journey.

By most standards, I've probably not dated that much. I do consider her feelings and can get get into intense relationships, even before it feels like a relationship to me. There was one woman I was seriously interested in, despite many flaws. She was taken. I learned a lot by teasing apart what interested me. Some is irrational and I still don't understand.

When you are dating, how much do you think of the we space? I usually try to understand me, her, and we and then see where there is alignment and where there is not.

"Some is irrational and I

"Some is irrational and I still don't understand."
Most attraction is irrational, you just have to live with it. Also, yes, once your pool of women are older then there will be a change in their behavior. Don't get me wrong, there are always outliers but for the most part you should notice a difference in what they want and in their maturity.
I usually just go with the flow as far as me, her and we. I find not stressing about the relationship dynamics to be the best, most comfortable route. My relationships were usually really good when there wasn't too much over analyzing going on. My personal relationship failures are because I am/was a narcissist who was always looking for the next best thing. I also liked the thrill of the chase WAY too much. Being addicted to jacking off doesn't help either. What age range are the girls you usually meet?

Can we say most is irrational

Can we say most is irrational? There seems a surprising amount of rationality to it. That might just be hindsight analysis. I don't look at attraction as only physical. Though this site has a one take: http://findyourfacemate.appspot.com/

I'm 30. I've yet to date anyone older (not counting months). I do want to try because it could be much more meaningful for me even if it doesn't last. It's tricky to find women who aren't in baby now mode even though they want perhaps two kids and have a good 10 years in which to have them. I also tend not to date those much younger than me. It's worked out that way without much forethought.

I'm also in the flow during a relationship. Afterwards, I can get more heavily into a lessons learned mode.

To me attraction is mostly

To me attraction is mostly about emotion and has little to do with ration, both for men and women. I also usually date younger women but for me the problem was definitely me and not them so there age really doesn't matter in my situation. Not every woman wants babies right now, although a lot do. Way more women than men graduate college and are focusing on there career first, family second. I'm 110% fine with that. I have a few buddies who are stay at home Dads. They say it can take a little getting used to at first but they really like it.
I digress.
It's all about what your open to when it comes to women. Some will want to get married quickly, others not at all, same goes for having kids. I personally feel that in order to give anything to a healthy relationship we have to be "Masters of our own Domain" first.

I agree. I'm not sure emotion

I agree. I'm not sure emotion isn't rational, at least at times. The emotional-intellectual divide might be overplayed.

I could see myself being a stay at home dad, at least some of the time. Less women are open to that possibility.

I'm not a master of my domain. That's probably hurting me the most, both in terms of meeting women and creating something from there. I've stumbled for variety of reasons. I don't fall into the no college demographic. In some of my circles, it seems more a competition as to how many pieces of paper one can hang on the wall from diverse fields.

I'm pretty open. Absent a few musts, I'll go with the flow and see how things play out.

I think rationality and

I think rationality and emotion can coexist of course. If you're not the master of your domain then find a new domain and master that shit! The competition thing amongst friends kind of sucks. I've been through that but now I only associate with people who I can enjoy being with and bring pleasure to my life. The way I look at it, if something is holding you back and you know deep down what it is...then you've got to take care of that before anything else NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS.

I'm so off in some ways, I

I'm so off in some ways, I don't even know if something is holding me back. More is suggested by others than probably exists in reality because I'm tolerant of being seen as whatever by others. Time will tell. It could be a while.

Mastery seem to not be my way. That works well for some.

My friends and I don't compete. The rest of the world is another story.

I haven't a clue about that

I haven't a clue about that character or most other TV characters. I'm down to nearly no TV watching. It's getting tougher to interact with media followers and yet somehow I'm getting better at it despite the challenge. I always liked a challenge. Maybe it's why my life is a bit scrambled.

I mean the deviation between my potential and actual outputs and thus place in life. It's pretty apparent. Some women will cut me some slack for a while. Some won't. It doesn't matter. At times, it bugs me. At times, I'm wondering if it matters at all or if I'm where I need to be even if it makes no sense. I'm happily my weird self.

Oh, now I see what you mean.

Oh, now I see what you mean. I'm a reader myself but I have a few shows that I really like. I'm with you on the deviation between potential and actual output place. I have a high IQ and have been relatively successful at different times in my life but I've always thought "Shit, why can't I be more motivated and productive in life!?" I am hoping that no more masturbation/fantasizing and, for me, alcohol abstinence will rebalance my brain to get my ass in gear, well, enough to where I am content with my productivity.