It's been a while since I've posted here but I've been having an issue and wanted to see what you guys think. I have been practicing karezza for 6 years and it has been an incredibly healing experience. You can read my past posts for more info. For the last few months, however, I have been having occasional premature ejaculation that is followed by an extremely poisonous emotional state which typically lasts a day or two.
My wife and I have sex more or less daily, usually without my orgasm. Sometimes I will O when I feel that the time is ripe, and it doesn't seem to cause any problem as long as it happens in the context of a good lovemaking session. I generally have excellent control of my sexual energy from years of karezza, qi gong, etc. But once or twice a month, I will have a completely unexpected ejaculation as soon as I enter her; then, once the dopamine wears off, a toxic emotional state floods my entire body. The energy is that of hate, rage, emptiness, insecurity and desperation. I have trained my mind not to identify with it, so I don't actually "believe" what I feel, although it takes every shred of consciousness not to give into it and start throwing things or verbally attacking my wife.
Why does this happen? I think it has to do with the fact that I was addicted to PMO for so long growing up and didn't have any healthy sex until my mid-20's. Orgasm is deeply wired to a sense of futility, impotence, shame, etc. But I have healed so much, and most of the time don't feel affected by any negative emotions during sex. But when these PEs happen, I turn into Mr. Hyde. It is like torture, like being in hell, it is impossible to feel any positive emotion and I just have to keep my mouth shut and wait it out and put all of my energy into not lashing out. I feel so frustrated because I have come so far in my journey, yet these negative emotions are so deep in my programming, I feel like I'll never be free of them. Does anyone else experience anything like this? I can't understand why I'm having PE, it's like a very deep selfishness that is there underneath all of my healthy sexuality. I don't know how to get over it.