Question about HOCD and gay porn

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Submitted by Volvo on
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Hi, I'm a straight(I hope) male that has had HOCD for about 5 months, I have diagnosed myself with HOCD because I can relate totally with what people writes on forums like "Stuckinadoorway" and "Neuroticplanet" about this disorder. And I have also developed other themes on this "pure o ocd" thing + that I have some compulsory stuff that I've done since I was a kid, so I am sure that I have HOCD.

Although there is this one thing that disturbs me like hell (if I may say so), it's like this:
I have always been on the forums i mentioned above and searching for reassurance and often it made me feel good for a while until I found a new spike somewhere, it was always that way. But one day I told myself that I was going to do a real check to see if I had HOCD or if I was really turning gay so I tried imagining myself in a gay situation, just in my mind. And what do you think happened, I achieved an erection. This scared the .... out of me and I was in panic mode.

I told my parents about that and they just told me that a man can get an erection to all sorts of things that doesn't really mean anything. I got calmer and felt better for a while.
Until I a few hours or days later decided to do the real "test". I decided to check out gay porn with the thought in my mind that: "If i would get an erection I'm gay" and "if I'm just grossed out and no arousal" I'm still straight.

And I think you already can guess what happened, I got erected really fast by looking at it and I got so scared that I didn't know what to do.
Let's leave it there, I'm not feeling too good talking about it.

So my question to you is: could this be caused by the phenomena you described in the article "Can You Trust Your Johnson" from "yourbrainonporn"?

Because I have watched a lot of porn through the years, I started when I was like 11 maybe and are now 16 (if that matters?) And I watched it in periods where it was like once a day to sometimes twice or even three times a day. I moved on to wierder stuff like BDSM and ugh I hate this one: "Granny" sex. These things made me aroused because it felt so wierd and wrong and forbidden.

So now I'm wondering could the erection to gay porn have been due to my years of porn use and escalation to wierd stuff? I really hope that that is the case. The thing that is making me doubt is that I had developed HOCD before watching gay porn and it wasn't a direct escalation due to my porn addiction. So what I'm saying is that my HOCD was not gay porn induced, I had it before.

What do you guys think, did I only get the erection because it was disturbing to me and then released a lot of dopamine?

Please tell me it is like that, I'm really scared.

I tried watching it again on a later occasion and then I thought that I maybe only got the previous arousal because of fear so I tried being calm while watching it. And then I didn't get an erection, that felt good but then I got a bit anxious and then a groinal response and then an erection again.
So the erection/arousal didn't really come until I started to fear.

So what do you think about this? Is it due to porn addiction and "escalation"?
I really hope it hasn't anything to do with my sexuality? I just want to be straight as I've always been.

You'll have to excuse if my english could have been better, I'm not a native speaker.

And do you think a reboot can make this go away so I can be my old heterosexual self again?

Many times people can react

Many times people can react sexually to different things. Here is the thing, I have a small bout of hocd myself which I am beginning therapy for. My situation is not exactly like yours but I have been scared a few times, especially by a dream I had. Asking for reassurance will help you for about a short time, then these shitty questions will come back in your head. Time for a good OCD therapist, so you can move into your college years healthy. Porn certainly will certainly play with your head, so best to work stop looking, find a therapist, and move forward with your life. Tell your parents about your feelings and the re occurring thought patterns. Also read the article by dr Penzel, on yourbrainonporn. It will tell you the exact treatment process and story. Just quitting porn will not totally help, but is very important none the less.

I think you're answering your own question

Your brain is hungry for shocking material because it's so numb to normal pleasure that it needs an extra hit of exciting. anxiety-producing neurochemicals to "get you going."

This has nothing to do with your sexual orientation. But there's no reason to continue on this track. Your brain will never be satisfied until you return it to normal sensitivity.

Meanwhile, read this...and stop analyzing and testing. Even though you don't realize it, the buzz of fear from the "testing" is what your brain is seeking to produce erections. It's wise to stop linking your erections to fear...or you'll be using fear as your personal "viagra" for the rest of your life. Wink

Have a look here: http://yourbrainonporn.com/ask-us-iam-attracted-to-gay-transsexual

Thank you Marnia,

I really appreciate your help, but do you think that I can get the same bad reactions when testing mentally? I mean like just bringing up pictures and thoughts in my head. Could that also bring erections or is it only the porn which has that power?

if you are open to it

this can be an amazing journey to learn not to believe *any* of your thoughts.

I suggest you check out The Work of Byron Katieand do a worksheet or two. Also you can check out this excellent podcast with John Greven

You learn you are really more like a movie screen with thoughts playing like movies on it, and the thoughts don't affect who you really are and are not to be believed in any event. And you learn that you aren't your penis either. He has his life and you have yours. It may sound strange but that is my experience exactly. And if you have homosexual thoughts, that isn't you anyway, it's just thoughts. Thoughts aren't real and they aren't in your control. When you learn this, you can think any thought you want and you have a sense of amusement and detachment about all of it.

See, you have here what can be the most wonderful gift to give yourself right now.

 

Spiked

Now I am spiking and searching for something that can prove my heterosexuality. I hate this HOCD, why did I have to be punished with this?

The spike started when I saw another forum post on here that I now regret that I read.

Why me?

It happens automatically

as your brain becomes more sensitive to normal pleasure...so it doesn't "need" the extra kick from scaring you out of your skin!

The trouble with OCD is that it gets worse before it gets better. Really, most addicts have a nasty withdrawal of some kind, but for you guys it is toughest of all. Something about that urge to "test" just drives you nuts.

Still, the less you think about, analyse or activate those intrusive thoughts, the better. Did you read this? http://yourbrainonporn.com/schwartz-technique-for-rewiring-compulsions It seems to work, but it takes enormous self-discipline. Because you really cannot afford to indulge those worries at all.

When they come up, just let them pass...and resolutely turn your attention to something you've already prepared yourself to think of. Maybe get up and do some exercises, or memorize something you want to learn. Doesn't matter what. But resist the temptation to try to think your way out of OCD. If you don't resist, it always wins.

 

*big hug*

Thank you Marnia

Your answers are always awesome.

I should really try that Schwartz Technique out but the thing is that lots of people say that it is a good method, but some says that the approach is bad because you are running away from the thoughts.

But I still think that I should try it out and not check :)

Who said that?

There are two totally separate approaches. Schwartz's is one. It's based on brain science, as he's a research doctor.

The other is called "exposure." It's great for getting over a fear of spiders. Smile But when it comes to sexual stimuli, it might not be so smart, because "exposure" leads to "arousal." So you are giving your brain a signal that something is "rewarding" at the same time you're exposing yourself to it (on the theory that that will make you lose interest in it). This is confusing for your brain because it evolved to wire up "rewarding" things as tightly as possible.

 

Aha :)

But I wonder if we take as an example that someone would be aroused when doing exposure work, will he/she be able to not react aroused/sexually at all after his/her brain has returned to normal sensitivity and the hocd is gone?

Maybe this is a stupid question or I don't know really?

Not sure we're communicating well here

I think exposure therapy is misplaced when it comes to arousing sexual stimuli - of any kind. Period.

Your brain evolved to go after normal sexual stimuli...so if you give it a break, the "needle" should swing back to those normal stimuli...perhaps after a flatline.

Hope this helps.

It's a tough one

A recent study from Iran showed that OCD was the most common disorder among Internet addicts. Somehow Internet porn is so stimulating that it messes with the reward mechanism of the brain...and that part of the brain is implicated both in appetites and OCD.

Anyway, just keep turning your attention to your life and refuse to analyze the OCD. It's meaningless and it always tells lies according to the guys who recover.

Question to Marnia

Marnia, if you read this can you please help me? How am I going to proceed to stop linking fear with the "arousal". I would be greatful if I could get an advice or two?

Extra question

I can remember a few times in my life when I have been in a store or something with my big brother and I have thought of him as my protector or something and sometimes thought like. "Now the girls of my age will see that my brother is really good looking and then they will think that I also will grow up to be good looking and they will want me".

Is this normal or am I some kind of incestous gay freak? (I mean that incest is freaky and not being gay. No offense to gay people.)

thoughts come out of nowhere

you may want to think about "who" is thinking these thoughts. It isn't "you". I know that's weird. But thoughts appear. We don't create them. They just appear. And they stay awhile. And they leave. Like clouds. There is no "you" thinking those thoughts. If there was, who would be thinking the thoughts for "him"?

Really think on this one. Really.

You are completely innocent. You haven't done anything wrong. You can't possibly have thoughts that are bad. Thoughts are just thoughts. And they come out of nowhere.

I've had thoughts of having sex with rocks, with grannies, with all sorts of things, male and female. So what? They aren't me. These thoughts come, they go, and that's it, nothing to it at all.