Really don't feel like I know who I am anymore

Submitted by upset1 on
Printer-friendly version

Hi everyone,

I got a long story and its really be the topic to my ocd all of a sudden. I've always had OCD about anything. One thing I would never think about it my sexual orientation. In the past my OCD wished I was gay and put male images in my head that I would shake off, back to females. When I was younger I had one gay experience and I was so young I thought of it as harmless with a friend. Over the years the OCD has tried to convince me and Id fight it. I always liked girls and about age 12 I got in a porn addiction until present day. I'm now 20 turning 21. Recently I been going for help to get my life in order. The last few years it seems my interst in women changed as did my genre to pron into transsexual porn. At one point I would get aroused to the idea of being a women and having sex with other women. I actually had that thought for a while. I acted out on it and dressed in drag and idk how i felt. I think i was just really obsessed with women. Now eventually with the meds and masturbation i assume it caused me ed to women. I do remember going on a chat room and saying im gay and fantizing to the sexy, I didn;t think anything of it til i got the ed. I was very anxious pretending to be gay. After the ad i checked myself with gay porn and i got aroused. I said to myself I'm gay if i get aroused again. I manage to finish up with masturbating. Now Im in a bad place not experiencing any panic attacks only mild ones. I Constantly check on the form about this. I never debated in the past for I was in love a few times and obsessed about the break ups for months. I can't tell the difference if the gay thoughts are mine or the OCD i get aroused by them. I really feel ailienate to who I thought I was. I feel Looking at chicks is fake. I feel looking at guys now I'm checking them out and I never did so in the past. I can possibley imagine all the things I could with a gril but I don;t want tot be gay. is it just my ocd in the past i felt like a blush thing going on but never fell in love with a guy. Atm Idk know anymore I read thinkgs that porn addiction can screw you up and alot of other things. I really want the old me back, this is really scary and I doubt sexuality can change over night. Someone please help me.

Sure sounds like

all the other porn-related HOCD stories I've read.

Can you stop the porn, porn fantasy and acting out for several months? No testing. At all. I think it would be the best way to let your brain go back to neutral. Then your true tastes will be more obvious.

Just be ready, because the OCD often gets worse during withdrawal (because stress neurochemicals and anxiety naturally go up). So get support, and if necessary, meds.

You can browse this page for more information (I'm straight, but attracted to transexual or gay porn. What's up? | Your Brain On Porn), but realize that analysis just feeds OCD. The best thing you can do for yourself after you get your game plan together, is to stop thinking and analyzing all of this for the next few months. Plan to analyze it in 3 months.

This is very challenging, but give it time, and meanwhile, get comfortable with uncertainty. Be okay with whatever decision you will make in 3 months - and don't try to settle the matter in the meantime. Breathe.

Lots of good tools for easing anxiety on this page: ♦Solo Tools



I completely think I'm a failure every time I give up porn and mb I run back to it and its multiple times, usually when I'm aroused. My thoughts are usually my picturing these gay thoughts to test my arousal. I stopped the meds they weren't doing anything. Mb honestly doesn't have any orgaism anymore, but I can feel something going on in my head my guess its the dopamine. Sleeping a a nightmare I usually don't I get these thoughts of my mates in my head constantly. I usually wake up with wood but not to the thoughts I want to have if you catch my drift. I get no panic attacks this concerns me as I search the Internet all day on forms from other people. Found a few that were like mine situation but those were the situations that points to homosexual ism. I had one night were I felt normal but my wishing ocd kicked in and screwed it up. Now I'm completely ready to give up I believe I lost the battle. I don't believe I can even start a reboot, plus am afraid of the out come. I think back an see some evidence against my claim both ways. Most of the evidence that confirms the homosexual things was after ocd episodes of wishing and manipulating. I would mb and thoughts of men usually friends would pop up during orgaism. I'd be so frustrate but never thought about it. Now I can't look at men for to long I feel I'm checking them out. I notice men more than girls and the little things set me off to believe I'm gay. ATM gay is a big topic funny because what I'm going though. Friends with the none stop talk about pussy is sickening me they have no respect for they don't know what it's like to go through this. Idk I feel it's not even hocd but when I go back in time I see how much I loved girls I really did I honestly could say if I were a girl I'd love to be a lesbian. But this arousal to men killing my confidence and making my screwed up. The ocd is so bad when I look at more odd porn like granny porn it'll purposely stick an image in my head of a male. Then it becomes a debate what got my rocks off. I'm pretty messed up normal question that a heterosexual would answer I can't . Situations one can vision are now altered and the more reasurence makes me even more hopeful when I say who am I kidding. I lost hope I really did my doctor what's me in rehab now and waste my time with something that won't help.