Hi, I'm a 25 years old student and a recovering porn addict.
I had been addicted to porn for almost 10 years and masturbated almost daily using it all these years. I realised this was having a seriously negative effect on my life in terms of loss of motivation for my study and, more seriously, my lack of success in socialising with women. Despite this I had not been able to stop until a couple of weeks ago.
I finally succeeded in taking my first step to stop my addiction, and my motivation came by chance. I was helping my father who is a lawyer deal with a client who was seeking help against accusation that he sexually molested a young female staff in his shop. He was a married man in his mid 50's, and he claimed that the girl was lying. At first I genuinely believed him to be innocent, because he didn't look like a sexual predator to me. But then a few days later I heard from my father that he had confessed that he did molest the girl. This revelation shocked me, and my father gave me a small talk on how exposure to porno will make any man a potential sexual predator. I felt very uncomfortable listening to this, but it left a strong impression on my mind about the potential effect of my addiction on me and made me swear off watching porn again from that day. The incident, I felt, created a kind of a mental shield against my addiction.
Over the next few days the positive effects were immediately felt - I could feel that my head was clearer, I was slightly more assertive and confident and I finally decided to go to the gym. Best of all I was less fidgety and nervous around women, because my new 'mental block' against porn has helped flashes of dirty images from coming up in my mind whenever I was around them.
I had been doing good for the 2 weeks, and combined with my choice to stop my video game addiction as well, everything seemed to be going so well. However one night I was working on my computer as I did every night and I felt a slight desire to look at porn. This slight desire occasionally came up on other days too, but my mental shield help me fight it off quite easily, but this time I ended up relenting to my desire and masturbated to it.
At first I thought it was no big deal because I actually relented once on my third day but got back on track right away. I trusted my mental shield to make this just a one-off thing. This was in fact true, It had been 3 days since that day and I had not looked at porn. However, the problem is, I found my mental shield has weakened. My resolution to not go back to my old ways is still there and I am still going to the gym and studying hard. However now I am finding that the images of porn and my old way of seeing women as an object of sexual fantasy has come back, and I am once again nervous and cannot relax in front of women. Maybe my brain is thinking, since I relented once, I will eventually go back to looking at porn, and because of this keeping my porn-desiring part of my brain active. I do not like this, because I don't know if even with me not watching porn, if my brain thinks I am still hooked to porn I will not recover fully. Is this true? Will I be able to go back to the state when had the mental shield against my addiction if I keep not watching porn?