The background is that, back in early May I was found out! I was away in Minsk working, and during that week my partner (let's call her 'S') was spring cleaning the office (we live on the South Coast of England) and found, in an old laptop bag, my list(s) of prostitutes that I have visited over the last 8 years. In other words, my internet porn masturbation habit had gone to another level about 8 years ago, and I started visiting prostitutes. I never had sex with these ladies, but I did watch them strip and came over their breasts and faces (sometimes when I could manage it, no every time). I have done this about a dozen times over the intervening years, the last time was in March 2012. I never, ever, associated these acts with S.
This caused a massive explosion of emotions on both sides, and a catastrophic loss of trust. The tension was incredible. S had been living with this knowledge nearly all the week I was away, and felt she could not confide in anyone whilst I was away. She also had the serenity and grace to not ‘spoil my trip’! This beautiful woman is so amazing. I cannot describe how much I love her. I could not live in this world known she is in it and we not together. She did not throw me out, nor leave herself, which was also incredible.
I begged and pleaded. We thought I must be a sex addict. I have constantly masturbated since the age of 14 and have always assumed I had a high sex drive. Sex with S was always wonderful. I have always tried to be a good, sensitive lover to her. I cannot make her come with my penis alone, and this has always bugged me. I have been jealous of her previous lovers, and have harboured fantasies that she would want a better lover, bigger, harder than me. Yet this has all been in my mind, and often driven my masturbation fantasies. It was a video of several large (black) men coming over a woman, not dissimilar to S (slim, serene, graceful, beautiful) that I think got me to visit other women to perhaps re-enact this.
I wrote love letters and poems every day for weeks. They are actually quite beautiful, and I have surprised myself. The agony and despair and fear of loss brought it out from my normal ordered and scientifically trained mind. S loved the letters, and they helped a lot in the first few days and weeks. I worked away for 2 or 3 days at a time to create space for S and, of course, have been banished to a spare room ever since ‘D’ day (D = Discovery, or Deceit).
I cried all the time, I have been terribly needy. We did start to hug again (incredibly!) and hold hands some times during daily dog walks. No kissing on the lips has been allowed. Once I inadvertently hurt S by holding her face in my hands when she tried to twist away! I am so stupid!
Have I expressed how much I love S? I can’t explain. Sometimes I cannot bear to hold the image of her on my retinas without crushing pains of overwhelming love in my heart and guts.
Very early on, we visited ‘Relate’. They were slow in getting us a regular weekly slot for counselling, so I sought a psycho-sexual counsellor near London. He has helped me enormously over the past couple of months, and I have learnt to understand (perhaps) where my issues have come from in my childhood (another story for another day).
S discovered Karezza, during internet research for my addictions. We both loved the idea, and started it straight away in a non physical form. Doing things for each other – the ironing, preparing breakfast etc. I bought roses all the time! We have always done this sort of thing, but now it had a name.
OK, first instalment over. More when I can. It does get much happier!