Starting out with Karezza

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Submitted by SpaceWarrior on
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Hi everyone,

The background is that, back in early May I was found out! I was away in Minsk working, and during that week my partner (let's call her 'S') was spring cleaning the office (we live on the South Coast of England) and found, in an old laptop bag, my list(s) of prostitutes that I have visited over the last 8 years. In other words, my internet porn masturbation habit had gone to another level about 8 years ago, and I started visiting prostitutes. I never had sex with these ladies, but I did watch them strip and came over their breasts and faces (sometimes when I could manage it, no every time). I have done this about a dozen times over the intervening years, the last time was in March 2012. I never, ever, associated these acts with S.

This caused a massive explosion of emotions on both sides, and a catastrophic loss of trust. The tension was incredible. S had been living with this knowledge nearly all the week I was away, and felt she could not confide in anyone whilst I was away. She also had the serenity and grace to not ‘spoil my trip’! This beautiful woman is so amazing. I cannot describe how much I love her. I could not live in this world known she is in it and we not together. She did not throw me out, nor leave herself, which was also incredible.

I begged and pleaded. We thought I must be a sex addict. I have constantly masturbated since the age of 14 and have always assumed I had a high sex drive. Sex with S was always wonderful. I have always tried to be a good, sensitive lover to her. I cannot make her come with my penis alone, and this has always bugged me. I have been jealous of her previous lovers, and have harboured fantasies that she would want a better lover, bigger, harder than me. Yet this has all been in my mind, and often driven my masturbation fantasies. It was a video of several large (black) men coming over a woman, not dissimilar to S (slim, serene, graceful, beautiful) that I think got me to visit other women to perhaps re-enact this.

I wrote love letters and poems every day for weeks. They are actually quite beautiful, and I have surprised myself. The agony and despair and fear of loss brought it out from my normal ordered and scientifically trained mind. S loved the letters, and they helped a lot in the first few days and weeks. I worked away for 2 or 3 days at a time to create space for S and, of course, have been banished to a spare room ever since ‘D’ day (D = Discovery, or Deceit).

I cried all the time, I have been terribly needy. We did start to hug again (incredibly!) and hold hands some times during daily dog walks. No kissing on the lips has been allowed. Once I inadvertently hurt S by holding her face in my hands when she tried to twist away! I am so stupid!

Have I expressed how much I love S? I can’t explain. Sometimes I cannot bear to hold the image of her on my retinas without crushing pains of overwhelming love in my heart and guts.

Very early on, we visited ‘Relate’. They were slow in getting us a regular weekly slot for counselling, so I sought a psycho-sexual counsellor near London. He has helped me enormously over the past couple of months, and I have learnt to understand (perhaps) where my issues have come from in my childhood (another story for another day).

S discovered Karezza, during internet research for my addictions. We both loved the idea, and started it straight away in a non physical form. Doing things for each other – the ironing, preparing breakfast etc. I bought roses all the time! We have always done this sort of thing, but now it had a name.

OK, first instalment over. More when I can. It does get much happier!

Thank you for letting us

share your healing journey.

The more stories I hear, the more compassion I have for all of us. This is a tough planet for relationships...especially with an unruly limbic system with its own agenda camped out between our ears. Wink

I think that one day you may both look back and be glad this drama occurred because you are closer than ever...and more deeply satisfied.

Next installment

So, next instalment...

The first few weeks were a roller coaster of emotions. Unbelievable stress. S being magnificent to even entertain the possibility of a future together, but that is what we clung on to. Every Monday I returned from my weekly counselling I tried to explain to S what had passed in the sessions. This inevitably led to very upsetting stuff and S getting hurt. ) By the way, we have been together since 1998 – both divorced). In the mornings, S was often remote and hurt after a night of little sleep. I was my normal clingy self, worried that S might leave me at any time.

One major thing is I am the breadwinner. S has been employed as my Company Secretary for many years, and feels insecure and dependant on the money that I earn as a software and computer guru. S needs security in her own income. I am doing my utmost to make sure S has an independent future. This conflicts with my desire to keep S here, and not go off and, for example, go back to teaching English as a Foreign Language as she did after qualifying as an Anthropologist from UCL in London. When S taught this before in Italy she had Italian lovers – all of which I am jealous of – insecure PRICK!

So, a few weeks ago, I returned from counsellingr. I had a dream in which my jealousies came to the fore. I was a huge revelation, and made me understand some of the factors that made me do the things I did. I cried in the morning and when I explained the dream to my counsellor the next week, his pen nearly caught fire! Gold-dust he explained.

I’m not explaining this very well!

So the roller coaster has evened out. Life is more bearable. S likes me better when I don’t grab her. You see, one hug from her is worth a trillion from me – this I have learned – finally. Karezza now rules the day. I revel in the mornings, cycling early, S running with the two Labradors. I have lost a stone with the stress! I feel remarkably better about myself getting slimmer and fitter again. I Karezza breakfast – prepare tea and chairs in the sun. I love doing the little things that matter.

More soon...

I find this practice

brings to the fore whatever is blocking our way to deeper, more satisfying intimacy. That can create some tough inner work at the beginning, but it's worth it. Just keep going with the bonding and I bet it will all sort out. It's happening already.

Bringing up to date

The fairly stable state of affairs lasted for a few weeks, with much less ups and downs. Lots of talk of the future which was good, although my insecurity was still quite profound.

The change came just over a week ago.

I returned from a counselling session last Monday (August 13th). Had a long chat with S about the possibility of her joining in with the sessions so that we would be a couple having therapy.

S told me that her block was that she could not ever imagine how we would ever have sex again. How could we start? It seemed pointless and sullied now. She did not want to go back to that again. This of course, worried me. We had talked about how we might resume intimacy (at some point when S was ready) using Karezza cuddling and stroking (probably with night clothes at first etc). We have a holiday booked for late September and there was a sort of ‘understanding’ that we might use this as a relaxing way to start, especially as we would be in the same room overnight again for the first time since D-day. However it would be her decision entirely.

Then came an amazing event. After the usual extended goodnight hug, I retired to my room as I had a very early start the next day (a trip away for 3 days). As I lay in my bed, S came up too and I heard her getting ready for bed – I love that. The doors are kept open for an air-flow in the summer and this has helped me over the weeks as I at least feel that I’m breathing the same air as S during the night! Then I saw her in the soft light in the landing. She was naked (Oh so beautiful!), and came over to me, and kissed me on the lips! The softness was amazing. It lasted about 10 seconds. I went to reach for her but she slipped softly away. It was the most wonderful moment of my life (up to that point!).

I spent the night in a blissful state. I can’t believe I slept. I left early and quietly and drove to my destination. The next 3 days where a whirl. I thought, perhaps I had dreamt it. I made love to S over emails and Skype.

I returned (last Thursday evening), to chaos as S was entertaining her niece and nephew from Poland. I joined in the ‘fun’, and it was late evening before we were alone again. Lovely hugs and a relax by the telly with S in my arms. Nothing too unusual, but definitely ‘better than normal’. I didn’t dare breathe in case I broke the spell.

The next morning – Oh my cup overflowed! S came naked to my bed and climbed in. We cuddled and stroked and kissed. It was beautiful beyond words. The difference is that S knows there is no agenda, no goals, no pressure for me to be erect (in fact I was only sporting a ‘semi’ most of the time!). I have no performance pressure. We are learning to live every moment in the now, and it works.

We have repeated this every night and morning that we have been together since (I am at this moment away, and have been since yesterday morning). I am officially the happiest man in the world. The funny thing is that I know it will be a long while before S lets me inside her again, but I want that to be a long time! I want it to be a long time, I want to just love and care and caress her.

The icing on the cake is that Marnia’s book arrived just the other day. S is devouring it and loving every paragraph. I am delighting in a Kindle version of “Tantric Orgasm for Women” which is amazing.

I can’t wait to return home this evening! (although I am learning to enjoy the soft agony of being apart too).

*big smile*

Bonding behaviors are amazing, eh? Such a potent way to calm the defensiveness of the primitive parts of the brain. More powerful...and cheaper...than therapy, too. I'm not saying that therapy can't do a lot of great things, by the way. Just that it can't match frequent bonding behaviors for giving couples back that sense of comforting intimacy at a "gut" level. You're wise to work with all the help you can get.

She sounds like a very loving woman. Lucky you.

You're both right to learn the magic of "non-goal-orientedness" thoroughly. Once snuggling becomes as delicious as sex itself, then you realize a sense of abundance and playful joy that is virtually effortless - and pretty much always on tap, even if intercourse isn't an option for whatever reason.

My suggestion is that when you add intercourse to the mix, you want to be sure to keep some "just snuggle" nights in there too. That way it's easier not to fall for the limbic system's insistence that the goal is always "intercourse." It's job is "fertilization," so it's normal that it tends to zoom right past the joys (and deep healing) of relaxed intimacy.

Yet the latter can be vital to keeping you both feeling relaxed and deeply bonded - rather than goal-driven and slightly dissatisfied.

Anyway, sounds like you know all this already. I'm really happy for you both.


I believe that Marnia is right. From personal experience having been in personal psychotherapy for over two years, done several bouts of couples counselling, along with sundry other healing modalities. While its all good stuff, the power of bonding is truly amazing, not only for the relationship but for the individuals as well. As much healing as you could ever want.

So long as both of you know the reason for it and trust the power of it, we found that its easy to stay on track with daily bonding. Whatever happens flows in the right direction, and its very hard to stay mad at each other.

You've got all the right books. Now its just time and practice.

Thanks so much

for your comments and support.

Last night was wonderful, re-bonding after 2 days apart. Candle-lit baths, back scrubs, then a massive full body massage (from me) from head to toe and then cuddles in bed before S left me for her own bed.

S came to my bed this morning but was a little upset this morning. She couldn't put her finger on it. We talked and this helped. There has been so much hurt recently. We have decided to not bond in bed tonight as we have an evening out with friends, and we just want to have fun! This also takes pressure off my expectations.

Thanks again

These ripples are not unusual

First, you may have overheated each other a bit.  Second, her nervous system may be sending up warning signals due to all the past drama.

My thought is to keep the bonding behaviors a bit less intense...but daily when possible. They don't have to be long and "naked" to work. Smile There's a whole list of them here (The Lazy Way to Stay in Love) Many can be done fully clothed.

They are your "secret weapon" for calming her brain's amygdala...which makes bonding with you more appealing.  Try not to confuse bonding behaviors with classic foreplay. They have two different functions. For now, you want to focus on bonding behaviors.

Enjoy your evening.


Thanks Marnia

Thanks Marnia

Yes, S has decided we're going a bit too fast, so we are just focussing on bonding behaviors for a while, and not so much naked canoodling.