Strange times

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Submitted by life-cubed on
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Hi all, I see plenty of new usernames here! A shame to see some of the members I first started with leave, but positive to see they have improved so much!

I'm PMO free for 105 days now.
I MO'd to sensation only 8 days ago, with some cravings since but fairly manageble.

I feel really flat, unsociable, awkward, and fed up. I'm struggling to formulate sentences and feel like I am presenting myself as a bumbling fool.

I met up with a female friend at her friend's place last night too, and she wanted to go to bed, and I wasn't sure where it was heading. I had said I probably wouldn't stay the whole evening as I felt a bit run down and drained.

I just wanted to go home and sleep so I left. Thing is I don't particularly want to have sex with her (Looks and just a lack of wanting to get physically intimate with her), and am quite happy to just be friends. I felt really awkward and anxious as I didn't feel very manly!

A couple of days before that I had a really vivid dream about being with a stunning girl that made me really happy.

I'm just a bit confused by what's going on in and out of my head, and venting really. Smile

Comments

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I did wonder about that receptor. By this point in the original re-boot I was feeling intense cravings for bonding/cuddling, but I don't feel much of anything at the moment!

Hopefully it's just a temporary blip. Smile

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Possibly. I get on her with her, but I don't feel any passion at all, and wonder if she would get the wrong idea if I asked. I don't want to lead her on or make her feel bad. Smile

Remember

that your male energy is nourishment for her...and vice versa. Sooner or later you're going to have to clarify the connection, so why not say, "Since we don't have the ideal chemistry for a relationship, what about this idea?" (That's a nice way of saying where you are...by assuming she knows it too.) Calling All Skin-Hungry Cuddle Sluts (If you don't like the title, I can find you a similar article with a different title.)

Hi LifeCubed

You don't have to have sex with her - it's not "un-manly". I think it shows signs of real confidence, you're doing what you want, not what's expected. That's cool, strong and pretty manly in my book.
I'd just tell her you'd like to be friends. Cuddle buddies seem a good idea as long as both parties know what's going on. Though in past times not for me as I know where it would have led, in fact I wouldn't have entertained the idea, things are different now.
Be careful of the M and what it could lead to.

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Thanks a lot Marnia and IMI!

I feel much better today. Yes, I do need to see what her perspective is. It could be I'm reading far too much into this, I tend to over-think things!

IMI I really appreciate your fellow male validation. Smile

I suppose I should say something about PMO!

No relapses since the original post, but very intense, short duration cravings that sneak up on me. I had one a work while up a ladder on a building site. WTF?!

I saw another female friend tonight and had the old cuddling desire back, so as she'd had a crap day I gave her a hug. Smile

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Well things got awkward last night.

After an awful couple of days at work that were really playing on my mind, we went out for her birthday and I got very drunk, felt very anxious/stressed and had no libido at all, for her or anyone else.

Unfortunately I think I have given her the wrong idea, I am totally happy to be friends, but the thought of getting into bed with her just doesn't remotely excite me. I think this is why I was anxious, the thought of getting dragged back to her place and having to drunkenly explain.

I felt pretty much the same as I ever did before 'no PMO', no confidence to talk to girls, scared of having a limp dick if I did pick a girl up.

When a female friend of hers arrived I was left at the bar for a couple minutes, and feeling so drunk, dizzy, anxious that I bailed, left my drink, jumped in a taxi and went home. I had a barrage of pleading/abusive text messages, but realised in the state I was in there was no way I could resolve the situation, so texted for a bit, then put my phone down and fell asleep.

I saw her this morning and she apologised, and I did for leaving without a word - that was wrong.
I just said my head isn't in a good way and I was far too drunk.

I am hanging by a thread to my no PMO record, as right now I just want to go on a massive porn binge for all the good that abstaining has done...if this is life on the 'other side' I don't think I want to stay. Maybe I just wasn't cut out for sex and relationships!

I've tried everything, just going for things regardless of how much my mind is saying not to, etc, I just can't seem to meet anyone I feel compatible with.

You gotta remember bud

This is a process. It's not a quick fix, like you're going to flip the switch on your life and all of a sudden everything is better. Keep the faith. Put in the time and everything will be better. One thing that has helped me a lot is working out six days a week, and doing meditation at least once a day. Check out the "Solo Tools" section on YBOP.

And don't get too down about last night. Everybody's been there, and your emotion is probably just a reflection of you hangover and too much alcohol. I get the blues after a late night out.

Thank you

Yes alcohol in quantity really doesn't agree with me if my head isn't working very well.

I haven't felt this melancholy in a long time and it feels like I'm back at the start. I felt amazing in the first weeks of no PMO as I could notice the way I felt more positive, there were tangible benefits, but they seem to have dissolved.

In my heart I know I won't relapse, the urge is nothing more than wanting to give a big F YOU to the world in general at the moment.

A lot of people mention meditation on here, do you use an MP3 file or just lay in silence?

You're not

"back at the start," but you haven't yet found the right avenue. Wait till the hangover fades, and perhaps you'll have a better inspiration than porn. That's always an option.

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Thanks Marnia, you're right of course.

In the end, I didn't PMO. I didn't do much apart from browse the Internet, (Some dating/sex buddy sites too) eat, and read books, but I didn't relapse.

I had a melatonin tab, and slept for 10 hours.

This morning I got up and finally fixed my motorbike. Smile

Please excuse my whining yesterday, I just felt compltely overwhelmed for some reason.

Perfectly all right

That's what a blog is for.

I'm frustrated on your behalf. I wish you were meeting more new women. You're such a great guy, and I just know the right person is there somewhere.

Just curious

about a few things:

"I met up with a female friend at her friend's place last night too, and she wanted to go to bed, and I wasn't sure where it was heading."

Did it seem like she was inviting you to go to bed with her, or were you not sure?

"Thing is I don't particularly want to have sex with her (Looks and just a lack of wanting to get physically intimate with her), and am quite happy to just be friends."

Even if you got in bed with her, you don't _have_ to have sex!

It sounds like there is no sexual attraction, but you are pretty good friends.

Would you enjoy giving her a nice, long, hug? If so, you probably WOULD enjoy sleeping with her, without sex. Here are some ideas about how to handle the situation:

If there is some uncertainly about whether she is really inviting you to sleep with her, you can clarify: "Are you inviting me to spend the night with you?"

And if the answer is yes, you can say "Well, I don't want to have sex, but I _would_ enjoy snuggling up and sleeping with you. Would you like to do that?"

DO NOT give a reason for why you don't want to have sex, unless she asks. If she asks, you can say that you have ED and probably wouldn't be able to get it up. (That should alleviate her concerns that you are rejecting her.)

If she backs out, you are no worse off than if you had just run away without asking. If she accepts on your terms, then great!

After spending a night together, you will probably both have a better idea of whether you want to do it again. You might find the attraction has increased. If you want to sleep with her again, be sure to tell her! (She probably can't read your mind.) Give her a nice, long hug and tell her, "I really enjoyed sleeping with you. Would you like to do it again sometime?" If she says yes, you can suggest a time to get back together. Note that you haven't said anything at all about whether you love her or want to have a relationship with her. You can continue to sleep together, and still date other people if you wish.

If she has difficulty choosing a time to get together again, or it seems like she was just being polite and doesn't want to sleep with you again, you can say "Well, if you'd like me to come over again sometime, just give me a call." That leaves the door open in case she changes her mind. Of course you are free to call her, too.

If you really don't want to spend another night with her, just thank her politely for having you over, and don't make any offers to sleep over again.

And of course if you don't feel like sleeping with her at all, you are under no obligation to do so! But then I don't understand why you sounded so confused in your first post. It sounds like you were second-guessing yourself, about whether you should have gone home with her.

"I felt really awkward and anxious as I didn't feel very manly!"

If you make a commitment to yourself (and your partner) to _not_ have sex, it takes the pressure off, and you can just enjoy some cuddling and getting some rest (which it sounds like you needed). You don't even have to make out, if you don't want to. It's up to you, since you set the terms. And if you do pop a boner, and she gets all excited, you can tell her it probably won't last, especially if you try to put on a condom. You can say, "I just want to enjoy holding you - and I also want to get some sleep!"