Too difficult to not get edgy!

Submitted by Jman on
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Hi Marnia et al,

Just bought the book and love it, and have been reading your articles and blog posts voraciously.

I'm at 25 days without orgasm, the longest time in over 10 years since just before my wife and I were married. My goal is 30 days. This was by choice as I wanted to experiment with how this would affect my mood, focus on my wife in other ways, spiritual development, etc.

My wife O'd about 10 days ago. Then this past weekend we just kind of lost it and spent 9 hours total making love, no orgasm, but lots of edging. It was awesome but left us both exhausted due to sleep deprivation. I felt jumpy and anxious, like having had too much coffee. So we cooled it down for the last couple of days. Then this morning we woke up and started getting heated, just some kissing, and breast touching/kissing. FIRE!!! It's crazy, we can't keep our hands off each other.

I don't like this! I feel extremely aroused and loving toward my wife, but jittery. There is defnitely sexual tension that is causing discomfort. My wife feels the same, as she has recently decided to join me to go to 30 days without O. But this morning she says to me that she wants me badly but we'd better set some boundaries like no hugging in bed, as that just opens the box. I completely agree with her. But I find this really frustrating. What is happening is that we're getting so charged up for each other that it seems the only way to control it is to keep our hands off each other. We can't lie down and kiss or that will lead to more. Can't hug in bed or that will lead to more. Probably can't even snuggle on the sofa as that will lead to more. I love snuggling and being close, but it seems so difficult to just do this without it leading to more. And I'm afraid that my wife will pull away and we will be less affectionate in order to gaurd against the raging fire that always seems to be smoldering. I'd love to engage in more bonding behaviors, but it seems like we can't do that without getting out of hand. Which leads to further feelings of neediness and longing because I'm not getting the affection I crave. And then the feelings of needing affection get blended in with the feelings of sexual desire.

Do you think we're still experiencing some hormonal chaos from the intense edgy behavior from 3-5 days ago? It's confusing as hell. I will admit that last week, before our edgy weekend, I was feeling pretty balanced. In fact, as I look back, week 1 was difficult (intense mood swings and desire), weeks 2 & 3 were much better, and now I feel unbalanced and jumpy.

Help, need some perspective!

These are normal challenges

I kept running into the same problem you describe, which is why I created the Exchanges in the back of Cupid. They sound silly, but they help get around the challenge you face because they "pace" the transition.

Definitely don't avoid doing some bonding behavior before sleeping. Try one without kissing, such as

  1. placing a soothing palm over each others genitals. This may increase arousal at first, but then things calm down leaving a nice glow, or
  2. spooning with as much stillness as you can muster.

Yes, the jittery tension has been reported by others and it does seem to be related by going too close to The Edge for too long and then stopping. It will pass if you don't keep stoking the fires. You might try cold water (or a cold, wet towel) on the genitals if you overheat.

I admire your courage in trying something so unfamiliar. Sounds like you have wonderful "raw materials" to work with (i.e., lots of mutual attraction). Finding a balance will be challenging, but fun too. Smile

Did you look at this page? Tantric Sex For Men


thanks Marnia, I'll see if we can try #1 & 2, perhaps #1 clothed first to see if we can handle that ;). Kissing is a big trigger for us, that's for sure, so maybe we'll try avoiding that and see what happens over the next 5 days. I'd like to reach some equilibrium again before we both O because I'd like to track how we feel afterwards.

If edging really does cause these feelings i would definately caution people against it, or at least to be aware of it and experiment with cause/effect. For me, I feel like it actually raises my anxiety and stress. Sure, it's exciting, but very taxing on the body and central nervous & immune systems and does not feel right.

@ breath - thanks for the encouragement, you're probably right. I am a bit of a perfectionist control freak. I have to remind myself that karezza is not a math equation - it is almost mystical in quality and requires learning and patience and time.

I forgot to mention

that some guys find the transition period makes them feel "needier" (for affection, touch, sexual attention) than ever for a while. It passes, but don't think you're doing something "wrong" if you feel it. Your brain is used to getting its jollies a certain way and shifting gears takes a while. Daily bonding behaviors seem to help a lot...but if kissing is too hot, back off of it a bit.

Ultimately, it's your laboratory, and you have to make the adjustments as you go along.

My wife and I have gone

My wife and I have gone through this exact "problem". It is easy when you start on this path to go nuts and have intense, long sessions of edging and rev up that dopamine all you can. But it's still detrimental because you are still using all of the habitual tensions you brought to this situation in the first place. And you get that over-caffenated feeling, which can turn into all sorts of other problems.

You have to replace that dopamine-obsessed attitude with oxytocin, and that is about learning to relax. Once you start putting your emphasis on relaxing, you will discover many layers of tension that you were gleefully glossing over in your edging sessions. If you can stay together in a spirit of love and relaxation, you can both work through those tensions. The more you can work through them, the more intense your feelings of bliss will be, making your dopamine-centric lovemaking seem pale in comparison.

But it sure is difficult to let go of the excitement... don't worry too much about it, there is a place for it. The trick is, can you use that energy to crank up the oxytocin?


I think most all of us that have gone down this path, experiencing some version of this. I call it the rewiring process. I believe our energy circuits are used to only so much charge running through them and on top of that we keep discharging the energy when it builds up.

Then karezza enters the mix and the discharging stops or is reduced to infrequency. I compare it to having 10amp wiring and running 20amps through it. My experience is that the body readjusts to the increase current and then the buzzing, jittery energy settles out. You begin to handle it with a lot more ease. We noticed in the first year or so that we would have some adjustment to handle increased energy and then it would even out. Once we got used to that then it would up again and we'd adjust to that level. Kind of like going from 10 amps, to 20 amps, to 30amps and so on. It has leveled out for the most part for us but even now we can reach new places. Its kind of never ending, quite frankly.

Moral of the story....the body naturally adjusts given a little time.

Enjoy the party. Nice to be teenagers again, huh?


Lol, sleep deprived again this morning...geez! Wink

@ Marnia, that makes sense - feeling needier. I'll watch for that. I think I need to start journaling my feelings and tracking them in relation to orgasm, edging, and bonding activities.

@ tornfromabook - yes, that "over-caffeinated" feeling is exactly it. I'm not used to it. You mentioned it causes "all kinds of problems." What do you mean by that (other than the obvious unpleasant jitters)?

I guess what we're struggling with is how to relax. Over the last couple of months we've been through a lot and have re-fallen in love, so the engines are running hot and we just want to ride it. The idea of slowing down and relaxing is counter-intuitive. We want full speed ahead!

@ Darryl - yes, it is super fun, especially since it's not just me being charged up by myself - we're both this way and directing our energy toward each other. That in itself is exciting and fulfilling. I like your amperage analogy. It's encouraging to hear from others who have been at it for years. Knowing it is a lifelong journey rather than a "program" helps take some of the pressure off to "make it work." After all, if Karezza is non-goal-oriented sex/bonding, then being overly goal/results driven with Karezza kind of misses the point and will probably result in frustration and disillusionment.

Thanks all for your thoughts and encouragement.

I just mean that your body

I just mean that your body isn't meant to be so overheated. Just like drinking too much coffee, you can get headaches, racing thoughts, manic feelings, etc. Also the energy will get stuck in your lower body and you can get backaches, etc. One time I had a crazy rash on my legs that I am certain had to do with too much hot sexual energy. It was not fun.

You want to cool it down, let it circulate, let it rise.

getting better

It's been a few days since we've done anything other than a few hugs etc. and I really notice a difference. After a couple of days I settled right back down and feel pretty level. However I'm feeling a bit starved for affection. The key will be to find levels of affection/bonding that don't cause us to get swept over the falls. I can see how not getting enough affection results in a feeling of "starving", and when you're starving you binge. Enter unhealthy sexual habits/addictions.

To use an example from food, if you're trying to maintain a healthy weight, skipping meals is a bad idea. Makes it much more likely you will overeat when you do eat, or cave in to binging on empty calories. Health practioners suggest eating 6 smaller meals per day, thereby keeping your blood sugar level, your metabolism constantly firing, and reduces your cravings.

Another example I think of is in horticulture - some growers periodically blast their plants with nutrients, and only receive water the other times. The best growers use constant feed drip irrigation - a small tube delivers minute amounts of water and nutrients constantly, which results in a healthier, more robust plant (it has not undergone several starve-feed-starve cycles).

I think it may be helpful to think of sex and affection this way too - constant feed of low-to mid intensity level affection & bonding activities, vs days of nothing and then a wham-bam-thankyou-ma'am to "keep you going" until the next encounter. We know it seems to do little to "keep us going."