Trying karezza but my LTR SO thinks sex is "funny", which doesn't work for me

Submitted by karezza-trial on
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I'm 42M (average libido) and my SO 41F (low libido) of 17 years have suffered from "dead bedroom" off and on throughout our relationship. Sex has always been something she can happily take or leave. She rarely says no if I ask, but by the same token because sex isn't on her radar at all she rarely makes any effort in terms of her appearance or receptivity to or making time in her life for sex, and because I know she doesn't desire it (or me), I've long given up asking (after all it's nice to be wanted). She never wears make-up or jewellery (admittedly something I liked about her when we first got together in our 20s). She never wears anything sexy (although even at 41 she still has a great figure) despite my saying repeatedly that I like it when she makes the effort.

Recently I discovered YourBrainOnPorn.com and the NoFap movement, and although I don't think I have a porn addiction as such, I could see how porn may be distorting my expectations in the bedroom, so I am in the middle of a reboot (about 40 days PMO free). At the same time I discovered karezza, read Cupid's Poison Arrow, got hooked, and thought it might be something my SO and I could try in order to address our issues in the bedroom. She has been really supportive of the idea and we've been having semi-regular karezza sex for a few weeks now, with varying results. The bonding behaviours we've let slide a little but we're both committed to making them part of our relationship. I'm really trying to change what I can about me, and she's at least giving the karezza a go (although she hasn't yet read Cupid).

But the problem I have is that for her sex is just "funny" ... even karezza sex it seems - everything is hilarious. Whereas for me I was hoping karezza would lead to deeper connectedness, so I find her expression of sexual hilarity really off-putting - a barrier to deeper connection. I've told her this and she said that's just the way she is.

When it comes to sex/intimacy/connection we seem to be irreconcilably incompatible which sucks because everything else about our relationship has always been really good.

I have recurring thoughts of ending the relationship and trying my best to find a compatible sexual partner while I still can. Is that selfish? Am I expecting too much? Can "funny" (in a really muppety oddball way) be "sexy" as well? How does that fit in the context of karezza?Maybe I'm just too serious. I'm still willing to stick with karezza for a while longer but part of me realises she's never going to want what I want in the bedroom ... nor does there seem to be a happy compromise on the horizon.

Any advice appreciated as we're really trying to make this work ...

Either she is just enjoying

Either she is just enjoying some natural humor, which does have a place in sex (from my experience); i.e. light-heartedness, in which case you're probably a bit too serious, or she is using laughing as a defense. I don't know which it is; only you can judge that. Probably it's a little of both. Do you share any kind of intimate conversation? Can you speak frankly with each other?

As for the effort to look nice, I've found that Karezza pretty much erases my need for such things. I'm more interested in us getting naked every night and seeing what happens. I found quitting porn completely took away my need for her to "dress the part". That stuff was really just feeding a fantasy for me.

I think it's a bit of both -

I think it's a bit of both - sometimes I do think the laughter is a defence on her part, a reaction to my taking things too seriously and over thinking, but often it's just her natural humour / silliness outside the bedroom, making its way into the bedroom.

We are pretty good at discussing things and being frank with each other (e.g. there's nothing I said in my original post that we haven't discussed together) but I feel she does have a tendency to forget what we've discussed Smile

Point taken about the looking nice thing. I've been increasingly wondering about that stuff, especially as we both get older. I really want to maintain and strengthen our intimacy for the long term, and my hope is that karezza can help us do that even when we're old and wrinkly Smile

I guess I just need to keep at the reboot and maybe my need for her to make more of an effort with her appearance will diminish.

there is a defense thing going on here

something like this. She feels bad that she doesn't like sex as much as you do. She wants to please you. But she knows she isn't. And the laughter is a defense against her feeling really bad about this. It helps her deal.

You say you let the bonding behaviors slide a little. Well maybe too much.

In my experience this is where it all starts and ends. 30 minutes a day of naked cuddling is best, even twice a day. The more the better. And all the rest you can do -- handholding, cuddling while watching TV, etc.

Once this gets really going in place, everything becomes quite magical. Without that, it isn't. And it only takes sliding a little for things to revert to the mean -- become the ordinary and almost lifeless way it has been in the past.

Good for you for pursuing this!

And by the way, she doesn't have to have Karezza sex. You can do it with her and she can do whatever she wants.

Eventually she may go that direction naturally. Pressure doesn't work here.

How can you really "connect"

How can you really "connect" with someone if you're having karezza sex with them and they're doing something else? Maybe I misunderstood what you meant.

Yes, you're right, we need to keep at the bonding behaviours. When I was conscious about doing these in my first couple of weeks, the feeling for both of us was magical.

everybody's level of connection is different

My wife's isn't my level. I know she loves me hugely and totally, and I her. But she doesn't feel it in her body the way I feel it in mine. That's how it is at the moment and has been for a long time. But it doesn't matter. I accept it and am happy with it as it is, truly.

Just a guess

You are expecting a lot from her and I guess she feels pressured. She cannot be serious because if she was all those expectations would stand in front of her as a wall of "not being (good) enough" and "I have to change a lot". Instead she changes the whole field of sex into something less dangerous, demanding...changing something into something funny is a common way of making it "smaller" and harmless (like in "Harry Potter" when the students have to change their own biggest fear into something funny^^).

So maybe you try to accept her the way she is and see if she still finds sex "funny" and if you still want to quit the relationship. Simply say "yes" to her way of being for the next week and see if something changes in your mind. Hope my words weren´t too hard.

Good luck Smile

Our first few weeks applying

Our first few weeks applying the bonding behaviours and trying karezza were magical and I think a large part of that was due to my attitude ... after finding YourBrainOnPorn.com, the NoFap movement and karezza I was on such a high and was much more open to everything and my partner's way of being ... and we just clicked.

You could say I had a reboot/karezza honeymoon period and now I'm into the post-novelty hangover ;-P

So I know it can work if I'm mindful of my own attitude.

Thanks strawberry field.

Karezza is funny!

At least my wife and I experienced that. We were trying a lot positions as shown in the Slow Sex book from Diana Richardson. Especially trying to rotate during being connected sometimes creates aching from my (well-trained) wife and laughter from us both. Sometimes the question arises: Should we check in the book?

And then the imagination of a couple of about 50 trying sex positions whilst holding abook in the hand. New laughter!

Trying to make karezza needs some exercises first. So I said: Now this is training, and we can make several attempts, until it works fine. The maybe we do it seriously. Really; talking during this helps. Talking about everything. New things are always strange. Good for laughing about it.

The problem is: We men are so delicate inside. A wife laughing about something during something such important and holy like sex is hurting us deeply... We are somehow addicted to sex (of any kind) - it's so important for us. When a men tries to implement something better of that precious thing and he gets laughter from his women then he feels lost.

But we should take it not too seriously. You should thank god on your knees that your women has agreed to work on that and is not trying to run away from it. Think about to find another approch and giggle around with your woman. And make a rest here and there inside or outside. Relax and don't be discouraged.

And don't forget the rest: Hugging, caressing, hanging around near her, like being newly in love. Praise her for her beauty, hold her breasts, tell her what you like on her. My wife always gigles or blushes or looks down on her when I praise her, but for sure, she likes it.

You are still a beginner and you still have to wean from the porn attitude you learned from watching it. And Karezza needs time ( I try it now about 250 days) and a positive attitude the rest of the day. Women mostly have low libido (only 17% are having orgasms) - down to nil. For many of them sex is not really enjoyable. They have to learn how good sex feels and then they will like it and ask for it. You are not likely to get another woman who can fulfill your demands at once.

The problem and the solution is you. Nobody can make you happy except you. Love yourself, learn to life with yourself, and ask your women to join you. When she sees you are strong and consistent, she will follow you.

Good luck to you both!

Thanks youngoldie.

Thanks youngoldie.

I agree sex can be funny at times and that does work for me when I'm in the mood for it / receptive to it.

I guess I just need to keep working on myself so that I'm more receptive to her, however she chooses to express herself in the moment.

another reason for laughter this way

isn't that it's funny, but that she isn't feeling much. Her mind is wandering.

Focus takes practice. And meanwhile, the whole thing isn't all encompassing and all involving for her the way it is for you.

My wife sometimes makes jokes or whatnot. I love jokes but sometimes it is a different experience altogether for me and not a funny laughing one...I whispered gently to her "feel my penis in you" etc....this helped her focus on her sensation and it really helped her get into it more.

 

Yes now that you say that,

Yes now that you say that, maybe that's what gets to me. If my partner is joking around and talking about other things it feels like she's not really focused on what we're doing together and everything else is more important to her (I realise that's me reading a lot into it).

Thanks, I'll give your suggestion a go.

Disassociation

I wonder if your partner finds sex one of those activities she is more comfortable disassociated from than associated with? That is, she has difficulty fully engaging, and prefers to have a part of her remaining outside, looking in; and when that happens, she could be more of an observer than a participant.

If your partner is doing this, it wouldn't be surprising if she found your mutual antics funny, or even somewhat silly, as, objectively speaking, the manoeuvrings of lovemaking, whether they are deliberately employed or purely instinctive, can seem somewhat ludicrous. If this is what is happening, the more engaged you become (maybe in the hope of enthusing her) the funnier it may seem, and the more she is likely to stay disengaged.

The answer is to ensure, degree by degree, she feels comfortable enough to be fully associated - that is, mentally in her skin, rather than watching herself (and you) as if from afar. I'm sure the naked cuddling would help here; but I think what makes the biggest difference is going slowly enough when having sex for you to recognise the moment any disassociation occurs, and take a step back.

Sex is something men are renowned for being more 'associated' with than almost any other activity, so maybe it's difficult to conceive how someone you're with might not 'be there' as fully as you; but if you slow things down to snail pace, she may find the effort of absenteeism a less attractive option than simply remaining present.

Of course, it may not be this, at all.

My two cents

I think a lot of good things have been said here, I'll add this.

Personally, from my perspective, you are a lucky man to have a woman who is willing to be supportive, (as you say), and join you in trying karezza. Do you have any idea how many deaf ears karezza has fallen on when one partner,(especially the guy) suggests this approach to love making. In my opinion you are recieving a wonder gift from your partner, albiet with some silliness/hilarity, as you say. You're getting a lot more reception than a whole lot of men get. You may want to see if you can "lean in" to what you are getting.

Yes, I do understand that having your partner think the whole thing is funny when you are feeling passionate, loving, and more serious emotions, may not be such a turn on but maybe lightening up and joining in with some laughter of your own, no matter whats is underneath the "funny" approach, may create positive movement. How about in the middle of sex something like..."have you heard the one about the".... just kidding. I'm just saying some playfullness on your part may have an effect on mood between you. Consider trying it her way a bit and see what happens. After all she is willingly having sex with you, and its karezza to boot! You, fully recieving her, as she is, may very well help to move some emotions in her to a new place...and you too.

In the end, I find the continual practice of karezza will move things on it own. Simply by continuing to bond sexually in this way will bring about more connection and intimacy, more of what you want. In my experience, over time karezza seems to move, and bring things to the surface in people in unique ways.

Simply put, just keep doing it, while accepting what is.... WILL change things.