Two Weeks

Submitted by WhiteRabbit on
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It's been two weeks this time around. I feel like every attempt that I make is a little more concrete, a little more determined; though I do also realise how easy it is to lose focus for just a few days or more, or less!, and suddenly you're back to day one. 

For these 14 days, 10 have been spent on holiday. On this trip, which I had been looking rather forward to beforehand, I had no access to any computer; and only minimal and intermittent access to the internet and a TV. And, of the later two, I hardly used either. This environment-imposed abstinence was actually very rejuvenating and relaxing. Also, it opened my eyes to the fact that the internet and computers are not necessities in my life, no matter how ubiquitous they have become; and that I can survive, or even happily live, without them.

So these past few days, I've been focused on trying to cut out as much internet, computer, etc. from my life that I can. It is harder said than done. The problem is that although I may cease or decrease one activity, the internet will continue to find other ways of reaching me (or me reaching it); much like a weed that manages to escape through cracks in the pavement. For example, I remove a computer of mine, and I then end up spending more time on my iPad. Substitutes, not solutions. So I am beginning to realise that it is a task that requires consistent effort and application to achieve. 

It does have its drawbacks, along with the obvious positives: like anything, really. I have less chance to be tempted by porn; but then I don't have an opportunity to as frequently visit sites like this one, which do give me strength and focus, though reading blog entries, rebooting accounts, etc. It is a change that will do me good in the long run, I hope! 

I must admit that I'm no 'newbie' to this rebooting thing: I've been making my attempts with this site as a guide since late August last year, and started to blog around November (though, it seems, since then I've felt more determined and serious about my progress - probably...). But I'm also starting to have a shift in opinion about this rebooting thing: that it's going to take more than just a successful reboot to become really happy about my life. I've mainly taken the view that once one has a successful reboot, and gets rid of porn, everything else - social skills, etc - will just fall into place. However, now I'm beginning to see that a bit of action, risk-taking, courage-building stuff is needed to push me along a little... 

From the rebooting accounts I've had the pleasure to read, it seems that this is an essential step - though I'm keen to believe that the reboot and abstinence will give me the drive to take those steps. 

I bring this up because my currently poor social life is one of the key reasons, or pulls, for my desire to eliminate porn. Lately, I've really felt the consequences of addiction (and the lows that rebooting brings) - inability to connect with others, anxiety, (even more worryingly) little desire to connect with others. And then I get bursts where I feel really lonely, and have a strong desire to connect. It's really frustrating.

That's all I have to really write about these past two weeks. I'm going to aim to do a weekly entry, to just ensure that I keep myself focused on keeping away from porn. All the best to all my fellow rebooters :)

Comments

Smart move

staying off the computer as much as possible...even if it means more seldom check ins here.

Yes, recovery is kind of circular. You do have to row the boat a bit yourself, or at least it speeds the process. But you should actually start to enjoy the activities that seem like such chores at the beginning. So each little step ultimately pays dividends. Like my mixed metaphors? Smile

thanks Marnia, it is a shame

thanks Marnia, it is a shame that I get less time to visit here. I'm going to try and make an entry once a week - which should be frequent enough to allow me to focus (or refocus, if I'm going off track) on my reboot.

On the chores bit - that's the real difficulty. I'm convinced that my whole lack of social confidence is down to one thing: caring too much about what others think. If I was less self-conscious, I'd be less anxious, and would interact with others far more easily. But yeah, that's a difficulty I have to work on - sorry to bore you with my personal issues.

Positive thinking marnia! There's not chores, they're challenges - don't I wish I really believed that.