Using Karezza to open my wife up again

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Submitted by Louie on
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connection between coupleThree years ago my marriage was in a bad place. We were like strangers living under the same roof. We have come a long way since then, but I know that there are still some obstacles in our marriage that prevent us from having the full energetic exchange that a relationship needs in order to thrive.

On the surface, my wife always said that she loved me as much as she ever did, and that there was no trust issue. However, her body was saying something else. For the past few years, when we are having sex, my wife has always been very open and relaxed right up to the point where I am ready to go inside of her. Then she seems to tense up. She tenses up so much that sometimes I simply cannot get in. Sometimes I can manage to catch her by surprise and slip in quite easily. Thus, I know that it is not just tight muscles (which is her explanation). I know that it is a matter of trust. There is a line in the sand that she is reluctant to cross. She is reluctant to open up and let me inside. I think that this goes way beyond the obvious physical connection of penis and vagina. The physical is just a metaphor for what is happening on deeper levels.

In the past I have tried to engage this issue on the purely physical level with little or no success. Lubricants do not really help and it does not seem to matter how much foreplay we engage in. It is not a matter of her not being aroused enough. It is a matter of trust and willingness to fully open herself to receive.

I was inspired by the book to try an experiment and it seems to be working beautifully. I tend to wake up before my wife does. I lie quitely in bed until I sense that she is awake. Then I roll over to her side of the bed and cuddle up with her. This is something that I have been doing for quite some time. She always complained that when I do this, I make it impossible for her to fall back to sleep. In hindsight, I can see that I was somewhat needy about this cuddling in the past. I was desperate to feel close to her and was trying to draw energy from her to reassure myself that she loved me. Nobody enjoys feeling like another person is clinging to them for fearful reasons. Thus, I can see whay she was not enthusiastic about those cuddle sessions.

Now things are different. I cuddle up to her and I relax as much as possible. I then consciously open myself and will my masculine energy to flow to her. I can actually feel warmth flowing from me to her. I can also feel her relax and soften in response to it. After a while I feel something coming back. I feel myself relax in response to what she is sending back to me. This is an ecstatic exchange of energy.

I have been doing this experiment for a few weeks and it has been getting stronger and easier. The energy flows feel more powerful and get established more easily. This morning was especially powerful. I felt several large waves of energy flow over us and both of our bodies shuddered when it happened. At one point we had a back and forth thing going that was totally intoxicating. It got so strong that my wife sounded like she was going to have an orgasm from it. Her breath got into that rapid, shallow pattern that she always has when an orgasm is coming on. I was curious to know if she could actually get an orgasm from just cuddling, but then I decided to back away from that. I consciously ramped down the energy that I was sending her and her breathing immediately went back to its normal pattern. Neither of us said anything during this whole time. I eventually rolled away, got out of bed and started getting ready for work.

A while later my wife came down. She looked like she had been thinking hard about something. She said "I like this morning cuddling thing that we have started doing." I told her that I agreed. It is a nice way to start the day. She said "We go to bed at different times, so it is nice that we have this time to ..." Her thought kind of trailed off at that point. I said "connect?" She said "Yeah, I guess that is the right word." Then the kids came down and we got busy with other things.

I think what is happening here is that my wife's internal resistance to deep love is dissolving. Since I started this experiment I have noticed that she is much more openly affectionnate throughout the day. When she hugs me, it is not a quick squeeze and release. She nestles right in and stays there for 20-30 seconds. She will often give me little kisses for no reason. I am sure that if I asked her why she is doing that she would not know. There is nothing that she can point to logically that would explain why she wants more intimate contact with me. I am not "doing" anything that would explain it.

What I think is happening is that the energetic cords between us are becoming much bigger and energy is flowing through them much more powerfully than ever before. When I cuddle her the energy flows in huge waves like nothing we have ever experienced before.

We have not had intercourse for a while (for various reasons). I have decided that I am in no rush to bring that back in. I think that this cuddling exercise is really opening things up in our relationship. There is major reconstruction going on in our energetic connections. I want that exercise to complete what it is doing first before I try to take things to to the sexual level again. When sex does come back in, I have a feeling that it will be a whole different level of experience than it was before. It is my expectation that the huge leaps forward that we have made at the energetic and emotional level will result in a much more relaxed and flowing physical experience of sex as well.

the power of cuddling

I love the experiment that you are doing and the results seem to speak for themselves.

My wife doesn't have that closed part, but she does have a lot of defensiveness associated with her breasts and to some extent her genitals.

Since we've been doing this Karezza journey we snuggle all the time, every day, usually morning and night. And it started out with me being needy but now it's mutual love and neither of us feels needy that way. That took about 5 or 6 months to get through to this point.

The defensiveness hasn't slowed down or reduced in any way though. She does seem to enjoy our intercourse but she startles if I touch her breasts, even if she is looking when I do it. When her breast is against my body, no response. It's the psychological response to my touching that sets off her startle reflex.

I suspect your wife with penetration is in that same state of mind, a deep defensiveness learned from who knows whom and who knows from when.

I wonder if there is some sort of recipe for helping our partners. Perhaps you are developing such a recipe.


This is a lovely story and the only suggestion I might make is to be careful not to make her self-conscious about anything she does in response to your cuddling~~just let her be herself without commenting on it or drawing attention to it.

When someone is closed off physically they want to open up, but since their sense of self has been defined by the wall they've put up, it can be hard to relinquish that identity. Let it fall away naturally and just enjoy her as she transforms.

Good luck to you both!


Thanks for the replies.

I have made the conscious decision to not discuss any of this with my wife at this time. I want to give her a chance to exprerience it and just naturally come into a trust and appreaciation fo what is happening without any external pressure from me. I have a feeling that she will talk about it when she is ready.

The same kind of thing happened a couple of years ago when she started Tai Chi. I had been doing yoga for a few years and I was always raving about how much better I felt when I was dilligent in my daily stretching. She cannot do traditional yoga due to a problem with her arm, but someone suggested that she do Tai Chi instead. When she first started it was entirely for exercise and strecthing purposes. She did not believe one bit in chi and ridiculed the people in her Tai Chi studio that were really into chi practices. However, she eventually started to feel chi flow and changed her tune entirely. After two years of doing Tai Chi she decided one day to ask me if I can feel energy moving when I do yoga. Since then, she has become much more relaxed about discussing chi and energy flow.

Thus, I am pretty certain that it is only a matter of time before she asks me if I feel anything when we cuddle. That will open the door to talk about this stuff openly. She will come to it due to her own curiosity and a desire to understand what she is experiencing.

Thanks for this thread, Louie

I think you're on to something vitally important. At the end of the day, there's more to this practice than neurochemicals. That's just the closest language we have in today's science. It's valid...but has limitations.

This is a good post for the front page, as others may find this helpful too.

Levels of Reality

I am not sure how something gets on the front page, but you can put it there if you want to.

I think that we exchange energy with other people at multiple levels. The physical level is the one that we all know and love, but it is only one part of the equation. The mental level, the emotional level and the energetic level are all very important too.

When we cuddle, I mentally decide to relax. I then feel relaxed emotions, and feel my phsyical body relax. All of that relaxation means that all of my "channels" are wide open and energy can flow powerfully.

My wife seem to go through something different. She feels my phsyical presence, and my energy flowing to her first. Her energy does not start flowing immediately. She takes a bit of time to warm up as she absorbs the energy coming from me. Eventually she reacahes a point where she lets go at the mental and emotional levels and just relaxes into the flow of the whole thing. That is when her energy opens up and we can get a real back and forth going.

I think one of the dangers of phsyical sex is that people can get too fixated on physical sensations. They stop paying attention to what is happening at the mental, emotional and energetic levels. Energy flows where attention goes. If all of your attention is at the physical level then that is where your energy will be flowing while the other levels are somewhat starved.

I think that karezza works because it does not over stimulate at the phsyical level. Attention is not so fixated on physical sensations and thus it can also move at the other levels and stimulate flow on those levels. The best sex occurs when you feel totally connected to your partner on all levels (mental, emotional, eneregtic and phsyical). Traditional sex is often one or two dimensional. Kaarezza has the potential to be multi-dimensional and that makes it much more satisfying. It is a more complete experience of love making.

Mental Level

I edited that out because it sounded too preachy, and then saw your coment. I will put it back in down here.

I think there are four levels of experience as follows:


Each of the levels affects the quality of experience that can be had at the level below it.

Negative thoughts lead to negative emotions, which lead to negative flows of energy, which can lead to poor health and low energy and all kinds of other negative physical things.

On the flip side. positive thoughts can lead to positive emotions, positive energy fows (actions) and lots of positive physical experiences (high energy, vitality and good health).

Negative self-talk is a virus that infects the mental level and thus effects everything else. I think that society would be much healthier and happier if we focused less on drugs and other phsyical remedies and focused more on promoting healthy and positive ways of perceiving ourselves and empowering ourselves at the mental level.

The mental level is the master control to our own health and happiness. However, we grossly undersestimate its influence and thus do not exert enough conscious control over it. We literally talk ourselves into poor health and poor relationships.

That is my two cents on the keys to happiness :)


We continued our morning cuddle therapy today. It was the best yet in terms of easily and effortlessly creating a strong connection. I mentally plugged myself into her and the energy began to flow. Easy peesy. It felt like we were only cuddling for 10-15 minutes, but when I looked at the clock it had been 45 minutes! I had to get up lest I be late for work.

There was a repeat of yesterday's rapid, shallow breathing. However, I have now changed my mind about what that signfies. It is not a ramp up to orgasm. It is just the signs of tension being released. My wife did this three times, and after each one she settled into a deeper state of relaxation. Perhaps this coincides with a flood of oxytocin in her body.

Just before I left for work my wife got up. She was in a delightful mood. She was upbeat and chipper and very affectionnate with everyone. She was like a ray of sunshine bouncing around the house, lighting up everything that she touched. I got a big hug and several kisses before I went out the door.

This is the same woman who normally starts her day by putting on the heat pad to try and release whatever muscle cramps she has from sleeping, and then walks around like a rain cloud until she has had at least two cups of coffee. She has usually yelled at one of the kids within five minutes of them being awake.

Today they were woken with smiles and hugs and told they were beautiful. I think it will be a good day in the house today.

I have an idea for a radio commercial coming on ...

"Start your day right with a huge dose of oxytocin. Caffeine is yesterday's drug. It just makes you jittery and causes stress headaches. In comparison, oxytocin helps you to relax, revive, and be ready to face the world. You will have more energy, more confidence and more fun! Get your dose of oxytocin today, and let the good times roll."

Love it!

I'll add part of that to the karezza slogans that appear at the top of the page.

This is why the silly "Who needs men?" articles make me so angry. Women really need men. We just need them to be balanced. And they need the same thing from us so we don't bite people's heads off.Diablo

But husbands need to be happy for us to be happy as well!

Some yang every day

Some yang every day keeps the doctor away! lol~

You are giving her part of yourself that will help balance her and that is wonderful.

It's funny about the cramps, but not surprising to me at all. I'm afraid karezza is causing me to never enter menopause, ha! I'm 52 and just had all my hormone levels checked and the doctor said I have the hormone levels of someone with no sign of menopause on the horizon. My periods are regular and I have stopped having cramps (had them terribly when I was a younger woman). It's all good! I'm going to do a blog post about body changes that have happened as soon as I get some's all so interesting.

We believe karezza has

We believe karezza has affected Annabelle's periods and menopause in a very positive way. Her periods were never very intense but after we started practicing karezza they kind of petered out and she began menopause unusually early. As far as menopause itself, it was really a non-event with nothing more than some hot flashes, no mood swings and overall, fairly short lived. Quite nice really

funny you mention this

@louis: today my wife was *very* stressed out. We connected for a bit. I think she seems better. I wouldn't say relaxed, but better. This stuff works...glad to hear about your experiences, I am really enjoying all your posts here.

@Rachel that's extraordinary...really extraordinary. Maybe this is on point or not but I'll share it wife is a bit older but she hit menopause a few years ago, pretty she gets a hot flash when we cuddle or connect. Pretty much always happens, not sure why.


Today our cuddling morphed into something more sexual. I had been spooning my wife with my hand under her shirt, cupping one of her breasts. She eventually rolled onto her back and I allowed my hands to slowly move around her upper torso. I was not caressing her so much as I was moving my hand to a place, letting it sit there for a while, and then moving it to another place. This was nice and relaxed and we both enjoyed. Each time that I moved my hands I sent love to whatever part I was touching.

I was not sexually aroused in the sense that I did not have an erection, but I was curious to see what the energy would do if we went more overtly sexual. I pulled her shirt up to expose one of her breasts and I began to suckle it. I am not sure what happened to her energy at that point because I got lost in the static of my own energy. My arousal level ramped WAY up all of a sudden. My heart rate went up and I felt myself become tense. I told myself to relax and be comfortable, but I was only so successful in that. I now had a firm erection. After a couple of minutes I decided that I was getting too wound up, so I stopped and pulled her shirt back down. Then we got up for the day.

I am not sure if she noticed how quickly my energy changed or not. She was just as up-beat and cheerful today as she was yesterday. She was teasing me about something at the table and reached out to tussle my hair. Maybe she felt the surge, maybe she did not. I decided not to ask.

Taoist energy books always say that aroused sexual energy is much more difficult to keep under control than unaroused sexual energy. This was a very worthwhile experiment because it showed me just how fast I can get aroused. My first instinct was to think "maybe I should not do things like this if it gets me too ramped up." However, I then rememberd that cuddling used to have the same effect on me, and it is now a wonderfully relaxed activity. That was resolved through lots of relaxed cuddling. Perhaps the same thing will happen with more overt sexual contact. For a while it will be over-stimulating, then I will relax and enjoy it without so much sexual tension. It is all about training the mind to know what the appropriate response is in any given situation.

Onward and upward.

Next time,

let her feel your erection indirectly...or directly if she'd like to hold your penis. We ladies often respond to that signal without even thinking. I know you don't want to pressure her to have sex, but erections can be fun for both parties even with affectionate touch or just skin-to-skin contact if it's too soon for sex.

I am not sure how that would go

My wife is very insecure in her sexuality. In that sense her ideas about herself often get in the way of fully enjoying the power of sex. She is just not entirely comfortable with sex as a concept.

However, If she is very aroused then everything changes. All of a sudden it is anything goes! If I put her hand on my penis she will happily stroke it or whatever and get very excited about doing that. Her arousal has a way of snowballing. It is slow to get going, but picks up steam as it goes. Beyond a certain point she gets totally lost in the flow and there is no self-consciousness whatsoever.

Prior to that point, there is a chance that whatever I have asked her to do will cause her to shut down. It is a bit of a crap shoot sometimes knowing which will happen.

My personal theory is that my wife hates being in situations where she does not feel that she has control. She feels that she does not have much control over her own sexual energy and thus, she is reluctant to give herself over to it.

Part of what I am doing with my cuddle therapy (and other things) is gradually rasing the bar for what she is comfortable with in terms of day to day sexual energy. I am trying to make it less of a jolt for her to shift from her normal mode into a mode of sexual flow. I am trying to be very compassionate about that and let her do it at her own pace. I know from past experience that trying to pressure her will just press those same control buttons. She is VERY good at enforcing her personal boundaries :)

I have been accused in the past (on other sex forums) of being too easy on her, and not asserting my own needs enough. However, this approach feels right to me. I think I can accomplish what I want to accomplish much easier with a patient and positive approach.

Point taken

On some level, I know that women get aroused when they feel a man getting aroused in response to them. It is a feedback loop.

I can recall one love making session where I sensed that my wife was not getting in the mood. She was too distant. I took her hand and put it on my erect penis. After that, her attention was drawn very sharply into the present moment and she got aroused quite quickly.

I guess too many awkward moments have made me self-conscious about my own state of arousal. Something to work on.


Dianne Richardson says that we use excitement to punch through our stored sexual wounding, and thats why excitement is so attractive to us. We dont have to get too intimate with the wound itself or the pain associated with it, if we punch through it quickly enough and get into the very aroused state. The nof course mix in a womens monthly rhythm and youd be forgiven for not knowing how she will receive you at any given time.

So id be inclined to assume that there is a moderately serious wound in your wifes case. Especially if theres still issues there after two years of working on this. Shes in good hands by the sounds of it, you sound patient and lovely.

Von urbans book was interesting in this respect as he was an open minded psychologist and had a chance to study many couples and their wounds.

Marnia believes i think that bonding, just about on its own, will cure such wounds, but from my experience, getting the mind on board is also useful. Has she done any psychotherapy etc?

Von Urban

was a psychiatrist...just for the record.

What I think is that bonding behaviors facilitate whatever work needs to be done...whether expert help or self-insight gets the job done. A relaxed nervous system can examine tough stuff more objectively and than tense, defensive one.


Have you pondered the idea that the qi energy connection might be behind the power of bonding or that the two are somehow connected? as well as brain oxytocin levels? That healing qi emanates from our bodys and especially the palms of our hands might explain the benefits we get from bonding?

I notice that your great posts are getting scattered all around the forum, and are hard to find again. Maybe writing in your blog area would be better?

All the best with your mrs. Sounds good!


I think that Chi has everything to do with it :) My experiments are aimed at greatly expanding the chi flow between us. In the past it has been a mere trickle, and that left us both feeling a sense of lack in the relationship. Now it is getting stronger and stronger.

Thanks for the suggestion about the blog. I think that I will start one. It may be useful to others to see a sense of linear progression.