Hi everyone. Its very good to be a part of this forum. I am hesitant to share some of what i have been into in my life but I think its important if I ever want to have a healthy relationship.
I think the first time I started to feel something sexual towards women was in 1st to 2nd grade perhaps and this was too a very tall girl who was my age. For some reason I was sexually attracted to her because she was larger and perhaps stronger then I was. Other girls I were into afterwards often looked very strong, had muscular arms or were perhaps large. I've been into strong looking girls ever since and started to look at photos of women who had strong muscular arms in junior high school. I started masturbating perhaps when i was 15 to the same thing. Luckily I didn't get into porn so much because usually a photo of a strong woman in clothing showing her arms was enough to get me going. Theres something about a strong looking woman that appeals to me and often larger means better. Of course beauty and breast size seem to affect me too as well as a womans shape. She has to still look like a woman i think.
Luckily I don't masturbate more often then once every 2 weeks these days. I just feel happier when I don't masturbate. But if I ever want to have a healthy relationship I want to understand this attraction. It seems to me attraction is more then just a body thing. I've avoided relationships for the most part. I don't want to end up in a relationship with a girl I like only to find I'm attracted to girls that are stronger then she is. What is going on with me and this obsession? I wonder why I have it and if theres anything I can learn spiritually from it. I haven't had sex with women that resemble what I have masturbated too so I don't know what that is like. The women I have had sex with were far smaller then me and I think I only did it because I wanted to feel better about myself. Anything I can learn about this would be very helpful. Thank You.