Im a Spanish female, now 54, My partner is 45...from a different culture and nationality.(perhaps this has its own influence too)
Forgive my spelling please.
I have been with my partner for ten years which is a record if we take into account the circumstances...perhaps credit my anxious/insecure way of attaching to the persistence...he is very avoidant and yes, he used to watch porn and masturbate.
At the beginning he was very passionate with me but love and affection were snubbed out. then afterm e insisting in going to some seminar affection and sharing emotions came into the picture and he started rejecting me sexually saying he wasn't attracted to me any more, maybe he was gay...in the midst of all this there was always memories of an old ex and first girlfriend and very strange communication patterns that i do not find strange any more as i became acquainted with Attachment Theory and through one of the books on this theory with Cupid's Poisoned Arrow, Marnia and Will's book.
For some miraculous reason we have kept in contact and we meet at weekends as we have dogs and cats that we both care for.During our encounters there are some hugs, holding hands,but anything more intimate has been rebuffed. He keeps in touch with some exes online and he has a 'friend' of the oppssite sex that according to him 'is nothing going on'...just the emotional betrayal feels big to me. In the middle of all about a year ago he got involved with a woman...( a very unhealthy looking woman..)but he soon broke it up as he said he 'was torn' between the two of us. In our relationship there has been much talk, about patterns, child abuse, porn addiction, orientation...and much drama as i became increasingly insecure with his rejections and changes that i now start to suspect had to do with his 'solo' practices and possible porn. I also used to masturbate but much less often and was lots more interested in touch as i have tried tantra in a safe enviromnt(no orgasm)and it was so energizing i always wanted to create more of the bonding connection that of the 'mating' type.
Recently i managed to convince him to read 'Avoidant' a book about his attachment type that he immediately said he could relate to and your book fell in my hands...than i talked to him about it...but with sex out the equation i dont know if we can ever repair nor reunite or completely recycle this relationship....Sorry for going on. The type of intimacy you describe is what i always have wanted in my life...i feel tearful as im writing..perhaps I'm skin hungry...perhaps it is much deeper than skin but i do not know what path to take wether to let it all collapse, try to invite him to become acquainted with this or anything else...any advise??/