Words of encouragement, from my doctor

Submitted by Terminus on
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So today I had a checkup appointment with one of my doctors. During my visit we talked about a bunch of different aspects of my health to get an overall picture of health for me, and sex came up. I was a little hesitant to at first, but decided I would talk about my pornography addiction and my related ED issues I've had.

I have some other medical issues that could lead to ED problems, however I really think that it's due to porn addiction and being overweight. I explained this to my doctor. We talked about reuniting.info and yourbrainonporn.com and the science of the neurochemistry involved and how it emulates other types of addiction, and my reboot process that I'm going through, how long it's expected to take, all that and it was extremely encouraging because:

SHE AGREED. She said that everything I had to say made perfect sense, and that she was glad to know that there are places out there that are talking about the issue, and there's a place for us to all come and learn and grow together.

I really wanted to mention this because it seems a lot of doctors are dismissive or ignorant when it comes to the things that Gary and Marnia talk about, and I wanted to let everyone know that I've found someone who agrees! So for anyone who might still be skeptical at this point (I know I'm not) I hope this helps you! I also hope this helps everyone involved here feel even better about what we're doing in addressing our issues.

Am I the only one bothered by

Am I the only one bothered by the negative framing of men's journey? We don't really know if men have gone into demise or if we're evolving as might be ideal and not yet understood. I don't see what the negative view adds to the situation. If anything, it seems a last ditch attempt to keep men where they were. Although this has nothing to do with the validity of data, given the potential for data manipulation and willful blindness, it makes me question the underlying notions. Us guys have enough trouble with self-talk and have to guard the words that enter our space.

If his tenet is arousal addiction, demise still seems to be a needlessly negative word.

It matters, more than it can

It matters, more than it can seem. I was thinking about posting something and mentioning this in passing so it's not a random rant. I'm not going to tar and feather him or throw his ideas out of with bathwater. That said, men need to speak up enough that people adjust their language, thinking, and so on. It's even plausible that porn usage, especially early on, is a symptom of this larger war between who men are and who men are "supposed" to be. I may be the only man who comments. I'm not the only man thinking this way.

If it was 1960, or even today, and we wrote about the demise of mothers instead of female empowerment, would that be ok (by today's standards?)?

His concern for men doesn't exempt him from criticism. The days of the infallible god/guru are hopefully gone.

What he talks about broadly as arousal addiction is a problem for both sexes. He's got his agenda, whatever it might be.

My position is awkward because I'm usually against the notion of politically correct language. I don't want to censor this language. Rather, I want to be mindful of it and not quiet about the potential downside to society. A lot of PC language is somewhat factual and is then extended to a larger group than the facts support. This seem to be non-factual because we don't know if men are in demise. Everyone might be in a rise or fall depending on the metrics selected.

I wonder what Zimbardo would have to say about this.

I have to agree with freedom.

I have to agree with freedom. These days it's really popular to make men look small compared to women. The intelligence squared debate tittled "are men finished?" is a very good example of this.

Looking at the summary of his TED-talk, I don't disagree with his points though.

Schools aren’t adapted to the learning style of boys.
Society has a negative view on men.
Boys living without their father (and there are many of them) have a hard time finding male role models, especially in school.
We lack a visione of what positive masculinity could be in a postmodern world. And when there’s no vision – you may as well play computer games and watch porn.

But we need to be cautious with the usage of our words as freedom says. The women on the view who were laughing with a man who's penis got cut off? The dumbifacation of men in our society. Not to mention that most tv-shows don't really show a very positive image of men. The cliche of the bumbling, clumsy husband who's lucky enough to have such a caring, intelligent and patient wife, they all come to mind.

All these things really influence public opinion. I don't mind that the widespread use of pornography and it's possibly problematic consequences will be adressed. But where have we forgotten the perspective that benefits both genders? This is a mistake that a lot of feminists make as well. They make it seem as if only women receive discrimination and encounter sexism in this society. Nothing could be further from the truth. In the same way that women are also influenced by the widespread use of pornography. Not to mention the abundance of sex toys and romance novels. Both really arn't contributing to solving this issue.

I'm gonna read the book, but these titles are really dangerous. There's another book on this topic as well "were have all the good men gone?". The content of it is basically that men don't longer feel a need to marry, get a stable job etc. Yet if you browse the internet, you'll be amazed at how many people interpretet this title in a totally different manner. The same potential danger lies in the choosing of Zimbardo's title.

We shouldn't treat it lightly, that's for sure.

The talk about no fathers is

The talk about no fathers is perhaps not good either. Many fathers are not around because they died (often from working in male-dominated death professions) or they were cast off by a mix of their partners and the family court system. Under-fathering seems no more to blame than over-mothering. Is under-fathering just a way for women to not take responsibility for their 50% (or more depending on the demographics)? Is it an excuse for men to justify expressing who they are instead of who they are supposed to be? None of this is clearly understood. It is clear that the culture in which we raise children will affect their behavior as adults.

Has anyone considered how hurtful this might be to girls and women without fathers or who also had less fathering and more mothering? I've done work with children who have lost fathers. Boy or girl, they have issues that would be different with a father around.

The lack of male role models is important. However, could it be that boys don't want the male role models that exist? Perhaps males are evolving and there is a division between men. Or perhaps the pressures upon men have hit a point where some evolutionary response has been triggered. Or perhaps the increased masculinity of women has triggered this response and the titles might then be where have the good women gone and the demise of women.

Is it inherently bad if men no longer feel the need for marriage and stability? Maybe, maybe not. I question that premise based on every man I know.